Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content:
F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum
Sign up Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 3 of 37      Prev   1   2   3   4   5   6   Next   »
Vlhatcher

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #51 
Hi not sure where to begin. My daughter was diagnosed with anorexia in April this year. She is thirteen. Having a really terrible time with her. Was really bad and kicked off on Wednesday night. So bad someone called the police. So frightened she is going to hurt herself. We are getting help from the EDS. They have been really good. It’s all family therapy based. The Maudsley approach. I know it’s early days but it’s so hard. It’s like she’s been possessed. She’s gain a little weight. But it’s the food part. Everything has to be weighed and doubled checked. We have a meal plan. But we need to start to introduce different foods which she is putting up a fight. Need to get more calories in her. Her heart rate was so low. She hasn’t had a period for 6 months and had to give all her sport and exercise up as she was so dangerously under weight. Just needed to share with any others mums who understand xxxx
kt_uk

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #52 
Well we need a refuge it’s like dealing with domestic violence for years on end I feel I can’t cope either
There should be therapeutic free holidays for us mums. I’m in bed in tears facing the abrupt end of a 25 year relationship with her dad
My mums dying my d hates me mostly and I have very little self worth left at all
So let’s sing hooray for ED and hope we can all get some sort of break through soon this is more than I ever imagined parenting in my wildest dreams
X
teecee

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 305
Reply with quote  #53 
Weighing and double checking is an ED behaviour. Do you have help from a dietician who can teach you about portion sizes? We never weighed or measured anything...actively avoided it ...even on drinks bottles.
A lot of our kids have similar issues it’s such a vile disease but recovery is possible.
Stick to the meal plan - regular meals. Food is medicine.
Have you seen Eva MUSBY’s resources? They were a life saver for us.
Virtual hugs. Xx
teecee

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 305
Reply with quote  #54 
Kt_uk I do hope you get s break soon. I’m living in a bit of a surreal world st the moment which sounds similar to yours. My previously 24 yr rock solid marriage is having a severe land slide, my dad is receiving cancer treatment after a recent diagnosis and our friend is seriously ill in hospital. At what point is life going to give us all a break I often ask!
But it will.
Hugs. Xx
Hibiscus

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 148
Reply with quote  #55 
Sounds like we r all going through a really rough time at moment. I don’t have any words of wisdom just need to offload my own distress.
So yesterday D refused to play sport ( even though team was down in players) and in a bad parenting moment I said to think about someone else for a change. Got hit a few times for my ‘ words of wisdom’ and they didn’t help( I guess it came out cos I do actually think this) . She cold shouldered me for rest of day. This morning cold again. Caught her stashed piece of bread from breakfast up sleeve of jumper. Major confrontation ensued. She ate it then I checked mouth and made her swallow food held in there. Up and down stairs in and out of rooms swearing etc. she says She hates me more than anorexia and hasn’t forgiven me for what I said yesterday ( as above) as how could I say that to someone who already hates themselves. Major guilt.
I middle of all this Hubby uselessly says leave her be( I didn’t feel that not following up food issue was ok) and then he says ‘ every weekend! ‘ in exasperation as if this is my fault! So am angry with him for ongoing lack Of support cos this is every bloody day and largely left to me so he can be the good guy. ( to be fair he works and I can’t at moment so add the financial stress that lots of us have atm)
Don’t know how to retrieve this. This is D as well as ED hating me now. We used to be so close. I really messed up. I guess I just prepare the next meal. There feels like no end and I know there’s no help.
Hibiscus

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 148
Reply with quote  #56 
OMG D just came and found me ( crying in hiding) and apologised, kisses and cuddles. Agreed we may go for walk later. I apologised too and explained am trying to do right thing but sometimes I just get it wrong. Pounding heart has eased a little.
MamaDo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 66
Reply with quote  #57 
Hooray! A ray of hope and sunshine! We are all human and we are not going to say the exact right thing all of the time, and if ED wasn’t living in our house, we’d still have moody teenagers with huge changing feelings, where it’s sometimes impossible to say the right thing. Congrats, Hibiscus, so happy you had a small moment of empathy from your d!
Mamaroo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 682
Reply with quote  #58 
Hi Hibiscus, that is a real gold star moment! That proofs it's ED doing/ saying all the hating.
KT_uk, I like your idea of a free therapeutic holiday for us, we really need and deserve it!

To all of you, stand strong, hang in there. One of the forum members' signature is "tough times don't last, though people do". I repeat that often to myself.

Sending all you brave people lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

__________________
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #59 
Hi hibiscus

I don’t actually think you said such a bad thing - there is a huge degree of selfishness in this illness and whilst it is an illness I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to point out that it is important to think of others. I have said this many times.

I am glad though that she apologised and you had a special moment together.

I managed to get out for the afternoon yesterday which was really needed. H also wanting an easy life made a mistake over pudding. D has however gone to a sleepover and that seems to have been a success.

One day at a time x


Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #60 
Hi ellesmum - how are you today ? Xx
Ellesmum

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 276
Reply with quote  #61 
Hi Ronson,
I was just coming on to ask the same. We had a good sleep but she got up angry. She's calm now she's had breakfast.
Raining here so we plan a day of films and pampering. Let's hope it goes to plan.

How's your day looking so far? Sleep ok?

__________________
Ellesmum
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #62 
Glad she’s calm now - my d at sleepover so collecting her shortly - meant to be at an outdoor ropes this afternoon but may be cancelled due to weather. I am so full of anxiety today. Hope your day of films and pampering goes well xx

Can I ask a question - do you confront the lying ? So d text to say she had 2 waffles at friends house - friends mum text - just one waffle - do I say anything ?
kkhrd

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 74
Reply with quote  #63 
Ronson, I think that I would say something about the waffle, you cannot have E.D. thinking that it won. It’s so sad that this disease makes us fearful of our own children, of how they will respond to confrontation. My own anxiety has been at its worst when things are good for a time and I catch D doing something so un D like. Like spitting food in napkins, or blotting butter off of waffles when I turn my back, but we have to let E.D. know that it isn’t getting away with anything, because that will just strengthen it.

All out war over here the last couple of days. D refused her morning shake and subsequently any food all day on Friday and we had to leave the beach and admit her the the ER on Friday night. We nearly signed papers for IP that evening but yesterday was her 16 th birthday so while it may not have been the best decision, after some food and ensure, we took her home where she ate blueberry pancakes at the all nite diner at 11pm. I wish to say the next morning was better, but while she didn’t refuse her shake, she did have a tantrum over not being allowed to return to the beach on her birthday. She completely trashed her room and ran out of the house. When she returned we were all dressed and ready to go back to the hospital. Only then was she completely compliant promising the world!!. We did consequently have one of the best days on record following all the mayhem, but what a roller coaster ride for sure!! She ate everything put in front of her, and we went out to lunch and dinner which we haven’t been able to do as a family in 5 months. The negotiating hasn’t completely ceased but she knows that we are serious. I just pray that this change lasts. I never know with E.D. if I am reaching my daughter.

If it feels like all the crazy has gotten crazier over the past few days, I will mention that mercury is in retrograde, which I know might make me sound kooky, but we are all effected by the planets, and this is one of the most turbulent times for emotional distress! Not to mention strange mishaps involving weather, traffic and electronical failures etc.

Keep your heads up and I will try to do the same! xoxo
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #64 
Whilst I don’t know what mercury being retrograde means I do know that there has been crazy in the air last few days so I think that’s something to do with it.

I suppose I just don’t want another confrontation and I also not sure I want her knowing all the mums reporting back - she’s 13 - I’m worried that this might push her to associating more with those with mums who are not so interested in their kids and wouldn’t even be around to report back - a whole different anxiety.

We had our worst ever day on thurs - nurses tomorrow not sure whether to wait and mention the lying then - I hope your best eating continues xx. And happy birthday to your d - I hope that she can celebrate in some small way xx
kkhrd

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 74
Reply with quote  #65 
Oh yes Ronson I do see the dilemma there, not wanting her to know that you have eyes watching, but that may just help her to remember that she cannot get anything past you and make it easier to eat when she isn’t in your presence.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, it has been a difficult birthday because of all the hype surrounding sweet 16. Her party was cancelled and then her beach weekend was also cancelled, but she was saddened by it and said to me that she felt awful that she keeps ruining things for herself. I think the self reflection and the apology are good signs and show her that E.D. does nothing good for her, only ruins things. We promised a big birthday party when she is well enough to enjoy it. Hopefully 17 will be the best reason to celebrate!
Hibiscus

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 148
Reply with quote  #66 
Thanks for your kind words .Mamado, Mamaroo and Ronson
Ronson, hope you enjoyed your night off while D at sleepover, although it does make for wondering/ worrying times but best sometimes to try to let it go.
I understand the worry about letting your daughter know that the Mum reported back, I personally would let it go for the reason you described. It wasn’t your meal.
Hey kkhrd hang in there. Isn’t it strange how when we get serious about hospital, suddenly they start to comply. How lovely that you got to go out for meals despite the bedroom trashing. So when do these planets change... we r all exhausted!!
Off to bed hope you all have a reasonable day
🤗
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #67 
Aw what a shame - sweet 16 not such a big thing here but I know it’s a big deal with you guys - but hopefully the 17 will be the one to celebrate healthily - and I think it’s a really good sign she can recognise that it’s the E.D. ruining it - my d isn’t yet at the stage she realises she has E.D. so unfortunately it’s us she blames for all the ruining. Xx
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #68 
A quick night time check in - so today was good - d came back from sleepover and ate lunch - went to an activity in afternoon and I had arranged for her to go in car with another friend so if anxiety kicked off she would still go. She enjoyed it - came back - ate tea far too slowly, pudding and supper ok. Arranged to meet friends tomorrow. Then at bedtime it all started - the I hate you, you make me fat, you disgust me, can’t you see my stomach, then refused to go to bed, so I take her phone and she hitting me, kicking me, telling me she would rather be in care. It’s so hurtful - how can a good day end so bad - does she hate me? Will our relationship ever be ok? And this just gives the nurses more cause to think that it’s all my fault. X
Hibiscus

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 148
Reply with quote  #69 
Hi Ronson, sorry that your good day ended so poorly. No she doesn’t hate you. That is ED. I don’t know why it comes at bedtime, maybe cos she is tired and her resistance to ED is lower then? You are doing a great job and you know are doing all the right things and trying to give her good days and quality times. Inside your daughter knows you love her and wants and needs you to help her. She just can’t say it cos ED won’t let her. Hope you are having a good sleep and tomorrow is better.
Sending cuddles 🤗 🤗
MamaDo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 66
Reply with quote  #70 
Ronson - you know this isn’t your fault, those of us that are here also know, and I’m sorry the nurses are making you feel as though you are causing this; what kind of archaic science are they basing their model of “support” on?!?!?

As all the recent, demonstrated science and Maudsley approaches show, parents are not the cause, but the biggest part of the solution. You know this, and we know this, and these nurses need to practice support for methods proven by science.

Sorry for the rant, the distribution of misinformation makes me crazy...

It must be so difficult to have to support your child, to fight ED, and have to fight the judgment of people who are supposed to be supporting you. I am, as always, in awe of your strength and courage.

Xoxo
Ellesmum

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 276
Reply with quote  #71 
Hi, how are you all today?

Bit low here, she's tearful and I'm struggling not to be.  Not a bad sleep overall but I'm worried about her, money, life in general. Everything I ever had, wanted and worked for is just slipping through my fingers. I'm being robbed by this awful illness and at the moment it feels a lot bigger than me.  I'm not getting any younger, I simply don't have time to rebuild everything. This really was not the plan.

A low day, tomorrow will be better.



__________________
Ellesmum
Ronson

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 534
Reply with quote  #72 
Hi - sorry to hear that you are having a low day - the worry is all consuming - my h has just been giving me a lecture on not letting it consume me, but we are mums so we can’t. I find the tears hard - does she let you comfort her ? I just get yelled at it is all my fault. My d away out today - nurse came this morning and she had maintained weight but no gain - however as she is pretty much wr I expect this is normal. We have more appts tomorrow and dreading it. I am exhausted.

Remember how strong you are and how far you have come. Will u get back to work when she goes back to school ? How is she feeling about new school? X
tina72

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,864
Reply with quote  #73 
Hi Ellesmum, Ronson,

it is soooo exhausting and we do need so much power for this marathon.
Try to do something nice for yourself every day. A bath, a massage, a glas of wine with hubby, a coffee with a friend, a short talk on the phone with your mum...Buy yourself some flowers if nobody else does. Try to read a book. Just 10 minutes a day will help you to reload your batteries.

All the tears are so hard to stand. We have not deserved this. Nobody has. But parents with a child sick by cancer have not deserved this, too. We need to stand it. Life has those hills. But you are on your way up the hill and you will get to the top and I can promise you the way down the hill will be better (although it is long).
Try to keep swimming. You need to go through that damn tunnel to see the light, but it is there and you can reach it.

Tina72

__________________
d off to University now 22 months after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 5,360
Reply with quote  #74 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
Can I ask a question - do you confront the lying ? So d text to say she had 2 waffles at friends house - friends mum text - just one waffle - do I say anything ?


The main thing, I think, is to keep in mind that ED is a dirty, rotten liar, and you can't trust anything that comes out of your d's mouth as pertains to food, eating, calories, etc.   It's a symptom of this vile illness.  I tried not to ask my d any questions about any of these kinds of things since I couldn't trust the answer, anyway (unless the answer was that she hadn't eaten anything at all).  

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
She enjoyed it - came back - ate tea far too slowly, pudding and supper ok. Arranged to meet friends tomorrow. Then at bedtime it all started - the I hate you, you make me fat, you disgust me, can’t you see my stomach, then refused to go to bed, so I take her phone and she hitting me, kicking me, telling me she would rather be in care. It’s so hurtful - how can a good day end so bad - does she hate me?


WHen my kids were little, I always noticed that when they had a really fun day, their behavior deteriorated afterwards.  No clue why.  Maybe that is partly what is happening here.  And also, ED seems to get stronger as the day progresses so that evening / night is the worst.

She doesn't hate you.  It's ED who hates you, which is actually a good thing.  

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
iHateED

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 654
Reply with quote  #75 
A group welcome from me to all of you in the trenches on this thread (Ellesmum, vlhatcher, kt_uk, Hibiscus, MamaDo, Ronson, kkhrd, and teecee).  Hang in there because it will get better with time and food.  Your child doesn't hate any of you even though it feels that way from how they talk now.  My D used to say the most awful, hurtful, nasty things to me and I hated it.  I thought we would never get back to our loving relationship -- but we did and it's better than ever now.  I think she knows deep down that I saved her life and she can trust me with anything.

My two cents on the waffle dilemma -- I found that I really couldn't make other people be in charge of making sure my D ate what was given.  Not friends or siblings - they just needed to be there for support after the meal was eaten.   While I encouraged my D to still make plans with friends, I would meet her somewhere with food at meal time.  If she was a few towns away, I would pack a meal and she would come out to my car to eat it, just like we did for over a year in high school.   If she didn't want to tell the friends that she was with why I was picking her up, she would just say she had a dentist appointment and that she would be back in an hour!  In the beginning, even with me watching like a hawk, she still managed to hide a lot of food (in her clothes, bookbag, under the car seat, you name it, I found hidden food!).  

It took us 2 full years to beat the ED monster from my d's head but my D is now three years in solid recovery!  Don't back down from ED.  Hang in there all of you {{hugs}}
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

GREETINGS, F.E.A.S.T. Community! As of July 1, 2018 you can access this forum directly without logging in at the main site. If this is your first login since that date please reset your password by using the "lost password" option. We apologize for the inconvenience. We are preparing a new website and services for the parent community to be rolled out soon! If you have questions or concerns, or trouble resetting your password, please contact us at Admin@FEAST-ed.org

F.E.A.S.T. Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders
is a 501(c)3 charitable organization committed to maintaining the Around the Dinner Table forum as a FREE service for any caregiver of a loved-one with an eating disorder.

P.O. Box 1281 | Warrenton, VA 20188 USA

US +1 855-50-FEAST | Canada +1 647-247-1339 | Australia +61 731886675 | UK +443308280031 

This forum is sponsored by F.E.A.S.T., an organization of parents serving parents and caregivers of patients of all ages with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. Information and advice given on this forum does not necessarily represent the policy or opinion of F.E.A.S.T. or its volunteers and is meant to support, not replace, professional consultation.

F.E.A.S.T. is registered as a nonprofit organization under section 501(c)(3) of the United States Internal Revenue Code.

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Community Rules | | F.E.A.S.T. Principles | YMadmin | WTadmin
Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content: