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Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #26 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
Hi Ellesmum - I just wondered how you were doing ? X



Hi, thanks for asking, it's kind of you.
Well, it's all up and down really. We have a pep talk every morning where I tell her that recovery is the only option, we are fighting this together and that B***h in her head is not going to win. 
She has been socialising a little which is fantastic although she finds it hard. She is still restricting and pro-help isn't coming quick enough but she has been able to join friends having an ice-cream which is some progress.

I remain exhausted, stressed to my limits and so hot I may actually melt into a puddle. The heatwave is getting to me!

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Ronson

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Reply with quote  #27 
I’m glad she’s socialising and having ice cream with her friends - that is fantastic. It is so hot - we have had a number of more physical moments lately unfortunately and I am finding it hard in this heat x
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #28 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
I’m glad she’s socialising and having ice cream with her friends - that is fantastic. It is so hot - we have had a number of more physical moments lately unfortunately and I am finding it hard in this heat x


I bet you are [frown] so damn hard.
Mine has been pretty rude which I've told her is not on, I say that I am on her team, am team leader in fact but swearing at me and screeching is not something I'll take kindly to. 

SO this first week of the holidays hasn't been too bad, better than I hoped. No plans today yet but she's having a lie in. It's like having a baby again, all I think about is how much she's eaten and how much sleep she gets. 

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Ellesmum
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #29 
I’m glad it’s not been too bad - we only have two weeks left and I am so glad - I had such plans for these holidays when she was discharged - how stupid was I?

It is like having a baby - a very angry baby in our instance. I can almost cope with the screeching and yelling - it’s the throwing things and hitting I hate. But there is nothing else to do as it is clearer every day that we are completely alone x
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #30 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
I’m glad it’s not been too bad - we only have two weeks left and I am so glad - I had such plans for these holidays when she was discharged - how stupid was I?

It is like having a baby - a very angry baby in our instance. I can almost cope with the screeching and yelling - it’s the throwing things and hitting I hate. But there is nothing else to do as it is clearer every day that we are completely alone x


'Completely alone' yes, it is the loneliest thing isn't it? I get that not many people understand, I truly do, I knew so little of ED a year ago, just the stereotype of a 5 stone person seeing a 20 stone person in the mirror, but I had no real need to know I guess (or hadn't clicked clicked that actually there was a problem)

I've not had much support outside family, but then we have isolated ourselves a bit, it's all consuming. The odd text though would mean a lot, just a' hi, how are you?'  



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Ellesmum
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #31 
Yes it would wouldn’t it. D started again with the incessant wailing over a non existent stomach - I’m done already and we’ve not even had breakfast yet.

I am saying hi how are you to you even if no-one else is x
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #32 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronson
Yes it would wouldn’t it. D started again with the incessant wailing over a non existent stomach - I’m done already and we’ve not even had breakfast yet.

I am saying hi how are you to you even if no-one else is x


And, Hi how are you? right back [smile] yes, mine is too tired to do anything today, her thighs are huuuuuge and she has a headache. I've been firm and told her I require extra breakfast as she fell asleep early last night and skipped a snack.

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Ellesmum
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #33 
Ah the thighs - and the thigh gap - if I had a pound for every time I heard the word thigh gap I could afford round the clock medical care for all of us. I have absolutely reached my limit - she is eating breakfast now - ridiculously slowly and moaning as her I pad away to run out of charge. I am now repeatedly phoning CAMHS etc to let them know how bad things are - we need her assessed for medication urgently xx - I really hope your day gets better to - I’ll check in with you and we can maybe both then feel less alone -xx
Hibiscus

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Reply with quote  #34 
Thought I would join in the how r things going today conversation. My D ( toddler) missed sport training today as wouldn’t drink a cup of water!! My fault apparently. Eye roll 🙄 . And it’s definitely the thighs!
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #35 
I hate the thighs(I also hate my thighs but prob not a good idea to go there 😂) That’s not good missed sports training. My day has actually got better. My doctor phoned back after my slight breakdown yesterday and has offered his willingness to support me if I need signed off. He also said he couldn’t understand why I feel I need more support for d when we get support and I calmly said the problem is we do get support but not the practical support that would help - i pointed out that some sort of respite would help - he listened and acknowledged my point. I calmly recognised the lack of resources but pointed out if they keep expecting parents to manage at home then there will be crises with the current mental health issues. D is eating lunch - reasonably quickly and whilst I know there is more of the day left I’m just enjoying the calm xx
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #36 
Yes, we have to learn to detach a little and enjoy the calm for however long it lasts. It's a skill I reckon to be able to live in the moment. It's time for a snack now, I wish I could stick her in a highchair and feed her like a baby - with tellytubbies on to distract [biggrin] 

It is getting hotter and hotter, I'm going to try to get an ice-cream into her after her snack. A film tonight and I'll put out a picnic dinner and hope she'll mindlessly eat (some chance!) 

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Ellesmum
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #37 
We just went for a lovely walk where d didn’t speak to me at all 🙄 fun - she did however examine her stomach 50 million times. It seems so strange to me that for someone so self conscious she does all these behaviours which just causes everyone to stare x enjoy your film and picnic later - I wonder if d will ever naturally eat again x
MamaDo

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Reply with quote  #38 
Also checking in - you guys are on a different timeline than I am, so how’s the day been?

I am still waiting for ED d to wake up. We had an ok day yesterday, with little fighting (but also less food intake). Ronson, you are so strong to be able to withstand the constant refusal. I was exhausted after fighting for 2 days that I didn’t push as hard yesterday, and while she ate, it wasn’t enough. Today will be better.

It is completely illogical how they think everyone is looking at them, making them nervous, and no one actually is until the paranoid behaviour calls attention to them. She sees groups of girls talking to each other in the store, and assumes they are talking about her, and her thighs.

We had our orientation to the ED program this week, and the takeaway that my ED d had was that she didn’t need help, didn’t belong there, because she had the biggest thighs in the room - which was full of girls with eating disorders. (and was both not true, and not relevant to her needing help).

Just when I thought (like an idiot) that maybe we could see the light on this thing.

Keep up the good work, friends!

You are amazing, and the reason I can do this, and not go completely off the rails, is that while we are doing it by ourselves, your stories remind me that we are not alone. I am so very grateful to have these forums.

Xoxo


debra18

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Reply with quote  #39 
Ronson, take it one day at a time and look at the progress you made. Don't think about how far you have to go.
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #40 
Mama Do 

Thankyou for your kind words - I don't feel strong - I do get angry and feel that I do and say the wrong thing all the time.  I have used emotional blackmail more than I should as well. But I need her to know she needs to eat.  I can't stand the violence though and the way she hates me. 

So today started off with the crying but other than that has been basically ignoring me and persistent body checking.  She has done nothing - I think she is depressed today. 

It feels never ending and really hasn't been that long - but our journey started over a year ago and now it just feels worse and worse. 


I hope your ED program works well - there is nothing like that here -we are on our own (although supported)  I think that would help my d; something in between like that - not hospitalisation but a program. 

Their thoughts are so illogical and whilst I can accept it is the illness the level of self obsession does grate on me. 

Hope your day goes well. 

Debra18 - I wish - it feels as if no progress has been made at all. 


Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #41 
Hi, how are you all today?
She's still asleep and last night was pretty good, we enjoyed the film and she ate flavoured popcorn, yoghurt, nooodles but then came 11pm and so did the tears and ranting. I made her eat 2 bowls of cereal and she fell asleep.

I remember when bed was something to look forward to, now I get so nervous as it's the time she kicks off.

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Ellesmum
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #42 
Hi - we had tears at 11 too - must be the witching hour. She was upset because she thought I was angry at her and slammed door - I didn’t (it was the wind) - then she couldn’t fit into an old pair of shorts she wore last summer - she was a year younger then - I don’t know what to say. She is swimming just now and waiting on her coming out - hoping the mood ok - I am out later - can’t decide whether to risk having a drink in case it all kicks off and I need to come home. We did have a good talk last night about how I know she doesn’t like her behaviours and we need to try and stop that. Hopefully your day goes well. Two bowls of cereal last night is a real result. Take care - will check on later x
Warrior1

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Reply with quote  #43 
Hi Ronson,

Eva Musby mentions in her book something about removing old clothes that they have grown out or will soon grow out of as an item of too small clothing can trigger anxiety. I have done this since my D got upset over a small pair of PJ’s lurking in the back of the drawer. As my D is nearly 10 we got rid of a lot of her age 9 clothes and went shopping for some new things where I emphasised that this is what she needs as she is still growing etc etc. They are all a little to big but there has been no anxiety around clothing although she would favour the baggier stuff anyway. I hope by the time these clothes are getting to small her mindset will have changed and her brain healed so clothing will no longer be a problem. Xxx
Ronson

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Reply with quote  #44 
Thanks - I hadn’t realised they were still lurking about - her dad brought them down as pjs - she hadn’t seen them in a year - she is in a slightly better state this morning - it was good to see her socialising at her swimming and I am hopeful that her anxieties will start to decrease x
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #45 
Yes, clothes are known to disappear around here 😉. When I bought new clothes for my d, I would go to the store the next day and buy the size up. I would remove the label of the clothing and when I see the item geting too small I would exchange it with the larger size one during washing. It's called Magic laundry. Now she is able to shop without worrying about sizes.
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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
MamaDo

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Reply with quote  #46 
Hi all,

Just checking in, to see how you are holding up. 11pm does seem to be a weird time for us too; she gets really wired or snuggly and attachment oriented. And I am a bad mom, because by that time, I just want some sleep.

Time to go have breakfast. Good luck everyone with the rest of your day!

Xoxo
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #47 
We've been shopping and had a MacDonalad's lunch, she had a few chicken nuggets and an ice-cream then we bought some chocolate Brioche for breakfasts. I managed to hurt myself walking (don't ask!) and needed painkillers and was told 'stop going on about that and focus on me' it's such a selfish disease isn't it? No empathy for anyone else, she won't even look after her pets. So I have to suck up my own feelings and crack on looking after her, again it's like when you have flu when they're babies - you just have to keep on keeping on. 

I'm afraid I need more painkillers and strong drink to get through the evening! Not ideal I suppose.

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Ellesmum
Vlhatcher

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Reply with quote  #48 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellesmum
I just can't do this today, I'm ill, exhausted, shaking and so, so low.

We have had progress and it's been a positive few days but today, no. The mood here is horrendous, she's screeching at me, I can't say anything right, every glance, every word is take the wrong way. This child who I have loved and supported on this lonely journey thinks I hate her because she's worthless and my rational mind knows this is the ED, I know it but today I am at breaking point. 

I needed to get this off my chest with people who understand. It will pass and I'll come back fighting but today I have no fight in me.

The irony that I can't eat for worry - jeez.

teecee

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Reply with quote  #49 
It is so, so important to do self care. Is there any way you can take a bath alone and have some ‘me time’....or anything similar??
You are right this will pass. Remember you’re doing so fantastically well amazing mum. You’re flipping saving lives here. It’s ok to feel like this but IT WILL PASS.
A couple of positives quotes for you as we all love positivity don’t we :)

“Every storm runs out of rain, where you are at the moment is a season, not a life sentence”

“Meet today’s problems with today’s strength. Don’t start tackling tomorrow’s problems until tomorrow...you don’t have tomorrow’s strength yet”

Many big virtual hugs to you. Keep fighting for her. Xxxx
Ellesmum

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Reply with quote  #50 
Bed now and all is calm fingers crossed.
I'll update in the morning and say 'hi, how are you?' It's a question I know a lot of us don't hear too often in real life and it's important 🌹

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Ellesmum
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