F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Desperatedad
Our cahms team has cancelled everything therapy, weighing etc for 3 months . They all working from home. Any one else experiencing this? I fear it will place even greater pressure on hospitals and police not to mention sending parents and children anxiety through the roof. Sensible precaution or irresponsible?
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CED123
Can you complain to the CCG? I don't know how but it has been recommended to me.
Currently no light; only tunnel 🙁
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Enn
It is a difficult time for sure. Is there a way to skype or do virtual visits with your team? They should offer some support I would hope?
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Desperatedad
Thanks Enn I think they are trying to set up calls/ Skype but say won’t do any therapy by this and not yet worked out how to weigh. Think they may suggest parents do at home but that won’t work for us at all. It is difficult all around and an added complication we parents could do without. But deal with it we must. Look after yourselves out there everyone. 
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CED123
CED123 wrote:
Can you complain to the CCG? I don't know how but it has been recommended to me.
Sorry - my reply wasn't very helpful but what was front of mind.  I understand everything is under pressure and we dont want people risking themselves but I am just aghast at the situation you are now in, and many others I assume.
Currently no light; only tunnel 🙁
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Desperatedad
Hi thanks I don’t think they will be too worried as they seem to  place their priorities elsewhere. I guess it will vary by postcode lottery. 
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Foodsupport_AUS
The added stress of this is amazing. Thinking how my D was 10 years ago I would be beside myself with worry.

How have things been going in general for you? Are you managing all meals? Has she been gaining weight up till now? How can we help you to deal with this as most of the world enters some kind of lock down. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Desperatedad
Thank you Foodsupport. Recently discharged from long inpatient and part of deal for discharge was needed lots of community support. Cut down on meals significantly and stopped her meds so a nightmare. If we push she just won’t eat at all. So we are stuck back in the pre admission trap of eat inadequately or not at all. Was hoping Camhs would read her the riot act so to speak and inject some reality for her but that opportunity now lost. She doesn’t take our concerns about consequences and where she  will end up again seriously. Camhs will intervene if becomes an emergency but we don’t want to get that far again! 
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Desperatedad
Hi Ronson she won’t do that for us very black and white cahms is weighing ! Hope the blind weighing goes ok for you though cheers
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Enn

Hmm would she agree if CAHM says that a person or place that YOU choose has to weight her?
My d allowed the medical team make the decisions about most things. So when I wanted something I told the team first and then they  told d as if it was their idea. She would then comply with less fuss.

I am just throwing out what we did. Not sure how that would work for you. 

These are times for creative ideas. I will keep thinking about this. 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Desperatedad
Thanks Enn helpful thanks could try that cheers
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LauraCollins_US

This crisis is hitting all caregiving families particularly hard. It's a terrible blow to lose access to clinics and to be left at home without a clear plan. But wow: that's where we are. What we would have done under other circumstances is no longer an option, and we have to pivot: our kids need us to do what the clinicians and hospitals would have done, because public health is at stake.

F.E.A.S.T. is committed to helping families through these challenges together by sharing resources and strategies. Please feel free to use our forums and our livechat/email/phone appointment access to experienced parents through the FEAST website. We can't fix things, but we can support you in fixing them. Letting ED take charge is not an option!

Laura (Collins) Lyster-Mensh
F.E.A.S.T. Executive Director
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Desperatedad
Thanks Laura
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Desperatedad
Thanks Ronson
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PhysMum_UK
It's a nightmare isn't it? Could you ask CAHMS for a set of their scales (they usually have several)? We were given a set when my D left IP with strict instructions on how to weigh her (and they told us in front of her) and that really helped.
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Desperatedad
Hi PhysMum thanks ... computer says no! Taking each day as comes not been weighed since discharge and will push for a review by phone next week to try work out a plan . Stay safe . Cheers
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LaraB
Plan here is cahms review by phone and at present they are offering 5 minute weighs at service. Perhaps worth suggesting that if they are still trying to work out how to do weighs. Might need to be in a different venue with different person. 
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Desperatedad
Thanks LaraB
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melstevUK
Desparatedad,

I can't believe how unhelpful the service have been. Even if they do not want to offer therapy, your d just needs someone speaking her and kindly and firmly instructing her what needs to be done. 
From what you are saying there had been no attempt to put FBT I. Place do they you as patent or parents are in charge of her meal plan, which was very unhelpful. 
I know that sinking feeling when you see them eating less. It is awful. So the first step is to try and stop the weight loss. Is she eating regularly as she would have been in hospital, i.e  three meals and three snacks? 
How old is your d and who else is at home with you? Had she any interest in anything and how is she responding to being kept inside? 
It might help to sit down and tell her what the meal plan is going to consist of. Insist that she has to learn to eat outside of hospital and tell her that you will not stand back and let this illness ruin her life any more. That even if there is no support at present she had you and that is all you need.  Tell her that you know it will be difficult to eat and put on weight but that you have faith in her that she can do it. 
Try this stance, even if inside you are quaking.  It might help just to show a confident front and s clear statement about what is going to happen from now on. 


Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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Desperatedad
Thanks MelstevUK

she cut down to just 3 main meals but very small and exactly the same each day . No where near intake in hospital. She insists on going out all the time and there is no doubt she is loosing weight quickly. We have lost the battle to try just refuse to go out as the consequences are violent. Her mood is very low. We have young sibling at home so just can’t allow her to run riot at home as gets very upset. Our usual help outlets of granny and granny are in isolation. Am speaking to cahms next week but D won’t pay any attention to us at hone and we are past the point of a sensible conversation. She is 16 had AN for 4 years and had had numerous inpatient admissions each time discharged just goes downhill. Sorry I am being so very negative but having been round the block a few times we where confident would be different this time . Has taken herself off meds and that has made things worse. 
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MKR
...she cut down to just 3 main meals but very small and exactly the same each day. No where near intake in hospital. She insists on going out all the time and there is no doubt she is loosing weight quickly. We have lost the battle to try just refuse to go out as the consequences are violent. Her mood is very low. We have young sibling at home so just can’t allow her to run riot at home as gets very upset... She is 16 had AN for 4 years and had had numerous inpatient admissions each time discharged just goes downhill. Sorry I am being so very negative but having been round the block a few times we were confident would be different this time. Has taken herself off meds and that has made things worse. 


Sounds like time for Hero Parenting. A challenging but necessary stage in FBT, to get you over the hill. You have been at it for a long time and you can now show the ED that you, too mean business.

This means that you, rather than the therapists, will deal with and weather through the distress and get to the other side of the tunnel.

@ValentinaGermania would suggest locking doors or even removing the shoes so the ED child cannot just leave unless they eat. We here dismantled the bike.

Siblings:
Your other children should eat separately and during the ED-child's meals, stay in their rooms with headphones on. This is for their safety. I made the initial mistake of having us all at the table and the sibling got physically injured just by being there, not to mention all the cortisone that mixed into their food.

Try not to get upset and say things calmly, "Just eat this". Serve on a plastic plate and have spare portions handy in case, like our D's, food is chucked across the room.  Distract with a video or a game, to divert attention from food.

Do all the checks for hiding food suggested in Eva Musby's book. Keep going until ED sees that this time it has no choice left.

Please ask for more tips as you move on!

All the best,
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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melstevUK
Hi again Desperatedad,

Many families here have called the police when there is violence.  It may be worth speaking to your local police, explaining the situation and asking if you can call on them to help deal with your d when she refuses to eat or if you are stopping her from going out.  
She shouldn't actually be going out socialising right now so this is an ideal time to bring them in.  I can feel how worn out you are by this and it is not surprising.  Transitions from hospital are notoriously bad, mainly because the hospital hands the meal plan over to the patient instead of to the parents.  

Try telling her that she cannot go out in the present circumstances, she will have to speak to her friends on her mobile and stand firm on that and call the police.  I am sure if you explain the situation you will find them very sympathetic.  And tell her at the same time that her meal plan will need to be increased.  

I can totally understand. You are not being negative.  You simply cannot see a way to turn this around and get her eating.  It can take one small change to make a difference to the dynamic and maybe getting the police in is one way of doing that.  

Also, if you don't feel you can talk or get her to listen, then write out a meal plan for the week - seven days with six boxes for three meals and three snacks, completed - and present her with it.  Tell her that is going to start from tomorrow and she needs to get used to the idea.  Of course she will scream and shout or tear it up but you need her to get used to the idea.  Keep doing this every day until you get some change - tell her she can add one snack to start with.  Stay calm, and keep telling her that the changes are going to happen.

You don't need variety right now - so the snacks can be the same every day, e.g. glass of milk and a digestive biscuit or a cereal bar.  But just getting one added will be a start.  You get one concession from ed and you can get the lot.  That is why it is important to fight for that one small change initially.  
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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Foodsupport_AUS
I really feel for you and can hear how stuck this all feels. Her rage at you when you challenge her ED is effective at getting you to back off, which allows her ED to keep on using this method. As has been suggested finding some other method to challenge this is the best way forward. Incorporating police or other services may be appropriate - talking to them first, then in a moment of calmness letting D know that you have spoken to them and if her rage accelerates when her ED is next challenged this is a step you are prepared to take. 
Staying calm and weathering the ED storm can be really difficult, but there is no doubt that the less effective it is at getting you to back off the less it is likely to be used against you. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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MKR
By all means warn the police and the emergency teams if you intend on calling them for help.

That way they will be better prepared to deal with the ED child. Even if they just turn up at the door it sends a strong message.

In my case, D managed to sweet-talk both the police and the ambulance crew, in turn. Both emerged from the conversations with her commending her on "healthy" low-carb eating and more exercise. They were impressed by her studying hard (part of the perfectionist trait) and told me to ease off and not control her meals as much. I showed them the doctor's referral letter to ED specialist but it didn't mean much to either emergency crew, they just shrugged sympathetically.

I guess if they had had enough warning, they'd know what they'd be up against.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Desperatedad
Thanks all. Cheers
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