F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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NELLY_UK
Hi, long time no post. My d has had bulimia now coming up to 9 years. The meds continue. Since turning 18, all ‘help’ which has been dire in the past has become voluntary. All communication is secret - patient confidentiality. 
The GP was helpful last November when there were two suicide attempts and we did speak. 
Here we are. D has applied for a £8000 loan to have a breast enlargement. She has lied on her medical forms, the company have not written to the GP despite their procedures online saying they do. I have linked her iPad to her phone( she doesn’t know) I see her emails and messages. She drinks excessively at weekends and stays out. She takes drugs now at weekends ( as far as I know only weekends). We booked a weeks holiday to try to bring our family together for the first time in years and years. It’s a cottage with a hot tub in a forest in Cornwall. My son who has quite severe anxiety as a result of the ed is looking forward to rebuilding his relationship with his sister. 
I have discovered she has now booked her surgery for the day we leave. She thinks she will walk out and hop on a train home half an hour after the procedure. She has no care for making sensible decisions she just wants the perfect shape. She will of course hate it after as she will think she is fat no doubt. 
I am suffering panic attacks, anxiety, sleepless nights and have had enough but fear stops me making her leave home. There is nowhere in the south she can afford to rent. She will end up on the streets. I am trying to protect my son and my d and I just cannot do it on my own / with my hubby. He is very poorly with depression. He works a lot and goes to the gym to hide from it all. There is no way out. 
I don’t know what to do first! I want to stop the surgery first but am unable to. She is 20, she works, patient confidentiality blah blah. They don’t operate on anyone with an eating disorder but on paper she hasn’t seen anyone about it so it is invisible. 
Sorry I am so needy. If you can see a way through this please point me in the right direction.
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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NELLY_UK
I forgot to say, she did ask for help with the MH in November, but the appointment was in April so by then she was not bothered with it all as ‘no one really cares’. She went to the appointment reluctantly. I saw a letter inviting her to another ‘initial assessment’ which was quite far from here and D does not go outside of our town and a very small radius without severe panic and anxiety. 
So, the initial initial assessment was possibly not completed and She has nothing. In addition, she has seen the link between getting help for ed stopping her getting the boob job. Another reason to keep the ed hidden. 
I have to go scream with frustration. 
CAMHs really did a number on her when they stopped helping aged 15. 
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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tina72
Hi Nelly,
I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation.
I understand that you are not allowed to get any information in your system but maybe you can give some information to them. It will not be forbidden to send them a mail that your d has an ED and that you are concerned about the boop surgery. Here aesthetical doctors must be very careful with mental health patients and are not allowed to do anything before there is no o.k. from the psychologists. I do not know what it is there.
It is really a misery that Cahms let you down in such an early state. This should have not come so far.
What would happen if you ask her directly about it and say that you know it?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Hi Nelly, I am so sorry that things continue to be so dire with the resulting fall out affecting the whole family. 

I agree with you that your ability to get your D into treatment/ stop the boob job is very limited. At the same time it is of course beholden on those undertaking this kid of treatment to be aware of the risks and problems that may go with her plans. I agree with Tina that letting them know that you are concerned and that she has an eating disorder is appropriate. In particular any anaesthetic may be influence by problems with her electrolytes related to purging. You can' t make them change anything but at the same time once you have made them aware they are obligated to follow through. It may be worth also mentioning to D that since she is still purging that for her safety she needs to mention these things to those that are treating her. 

As for asking her to leave home, that is always such a tricky question. You can certainly use the argument that participating in treatment is a requirement for continued free rent. I know though that you would worry about her more if she left, and you have no confidence that she would not just get up and leave if the going gets tough. 

Thinking of you. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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melstevUK
Hi Nelly,.

I am, sorry that the hell continues.  My first question would be:  does d really need a boob job?  Do you think that she is particularly small-chested?

My own d paid for breast implants when still anorexic and underweight and it was the best thing that she could have done because her self-confidence increased overnight.  She was quite upfront about the eating disorder with the private clinic, knew she was still underweight but felt overall that it would enable her to accept putting on weight more easily, which it did.  I had small breasts in my teens and twenties and absolutely hated it and she was even less endowed than I was, so I supported the step if I thought it would help her self-confidence.  

Does d know that you know about the operation?  Has she admitted it because of the planned family holiday?  Can you discuss the issue with her in a reasonable way and suggest that she is open with the clinic she is using about the bulimia, because they will certainly want to know about it because of the risk that any anaesthetic carries.

Try and encourage her to approach this in a mature manner, maybe see if she can get the surgery postponed so that you can have that family holiday.  

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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NELLY_UK
I emailed the clinic and the gp as soon as I knew about surgery due to my anxieties about the risks. The clinic assured me they don’t do surgery if there is evidence of an ed. She has lied on the medical consent form. She has refused to give permission for contact with the GP. The rules are that she has not been seen for her ed in two years. I suspect she falls into that category due to the failed initial assessment. 
The GP says they don’t allow surgery. But still the date and time is booked. The loan is paid to them. The repayments set up. In spite of her current debts. In spite of me telling them. 
I have done everything to stop this and the lies are just despairing. 
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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NELLY_UK
Sorry as usual I was interrupted. 
I have spoken to her. She knows I know. I asked her to tell them everything but she has never been honest regarding her ed. Not even to herself. 
When she ate, she had reasonable sized boobs. For a while whilst in IP. It didn’t last though. 
I guess since the local carers support group disbanded I am feeling more lost than ever. 
Drink drugs ed surgery lies - it’s just all too much at the moment. 
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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tina72
NELLY_UK wrote:

When she ate, she had reasonable sized boobs. For a while whilst in IP. It didn’t last though.


Boops are made of fat and only develop when there is enough fat left. It is the last thing the body produces as it is not necessary to have them. So she would probably get boops for free if she could eat enough fats, that is the sad thing about it...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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NELLY_UK
I am overwhelmed with sadness every minute of every day. 
I went to work today- thank goodness for some sanity. 
Yes more fat = more boobs- I am proof of that- lol! 
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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melstevUK
Hi Nelly,

So you emailed the clinic with your concerns and they are just ignoring them?  Have they not questioned your d about the ed?  Just because she hasn't been seen for two years doesn't mean she is ed free, surely they see that.
She is clearly being treated as an adult and they are ignoring the evidence.  Such a heartbreak.

Will she agree to postpone the date at least, so she can go on family holiday?
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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Mamaroo
Hi Nelly, you have been so brave and strong all these years, helping your d wherever you can and it is a pity that the system has let down you and your d. I don't have any wise words, just hoping that your family getaway will go well and that you all get your batteries recharged.

Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Francie
Hi Nelly, I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in. You did your very best by letting the doctors know about your d's ED, and by talking with your daughter about your concerns. Sometimes, though, even when we think we are being very logical in how we talk to our loved ones, we just can't get through to them once they make up their minds about something. It would be logical that if your d ate more, her breasts would fill in.

Will your d have blood work done prior to  the surgery? Maybe that will give the team a clue as to her overall health (although I know that bloods don't always tell the full story). If she is set on having the surgery, is it possible for you to accompany her that day? I don't know why I think that would be helpful but maybe you could talk to someone on the day of if your d decides to go through with it.

Hang in there. Maybe you can have further, calm discussions with your daughter prior to this surgery.

Francie

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NELLY_UK
So I contacted the private hospital again and the GP. The hospital have told her she is extremely high risk if she still has any ed tendencies. They warned her. They told her if she fitted under anaesthetic they could only do so much to try to save her. I hope they know she has lied on her forms or suspect as much and are playing it safe. 
I hope. 
She has now decided maybe it is really too risky and perhaps it is not the best idea. She may change her mind but she doesn’t have long before the surgery. 
I offered to pay for it once she is FULLY recovered and safe for surgery- so 2 years recovered. 
I doubt that will tempt her but it’s out there, on offer. 
So a glimmer of hope that she won’t have the terrifying surgery. 
Some honest communication for once! Rare, and it could possibly turn out to be more lies. For now, it’s enough to allow me to sleep again. 
I am so so tired with this roller coaster of madness that cuts across everything. 
NELLY D 20 bulimic since age 12, diagnosed in 2011. 20 months useless CAMHs,7 months great IP, home March 14..... more useless CAMHs.now an adult & no MH services are involved. I reached the end of my tether, tied a knot in it and am hanging on. ED/Bulimia treatmentis in the dark ages in West Sussex.
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melstevUK
Nelly,

That is a HUGE victory - and the fact that you have offered to pay when she is recovered will be a big incentive.  

You just need to reassure her that delaying the procedure is the adult thing to do.  I hope this will be a turning point for you both.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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tina72
To say it is only delayed and not stopped at all and that you will pay for it when she is recovered was great.
I hope she will get on that train.
Keep us updated.
And yes, it is a rollercoaster...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ooKoo
Hi Nelly,  

Sorry that your D is still so entrenched.  Breast enlargement is something my D has mentioned too, so I suspect it will crop up for us as well.  My D no longer restricts her food, but her breasts have never grown back properly - too much starvation when she was 15 - right when she should have been growing.  I am so glad that the clinic have taken some notice of your contact with them. And I was pleased to see that you were able to have a constructive conversation.   

Did you all manage to get away for a break?  If so, how did it go?

Thinking of you.

Kx


UK - South East

19 yo D

Dx AN Feb 2015 (Aged 15). Pre-existing low self-esteen and high anxiety. 

2015: 3 x medical hospital admissions. 1 month in IP which she self discharged from [eek].
2016: 3 x hospital admissions. 
2017: CAMHS CBT. WR, dropped out of 2 different colleges and started an apprenticeship.  Started having grand mal seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy in Nov 2017. Sacked from job because of this.  Tribunal ensued.
2018 - doing a Psychology degree through Open University and working in retail to pay her way in life. Relapses with eating disorder in June 18 and Nov 18 😢. 

On particularly rough days when I am sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. [Author Unknown]
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