F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Am really struggling at this point in weight restoration. Just to update...D had all time low at 35kg and managed to get it up to 46.7 but then lost 1.5kg last week. Think I took my eye off the ball and was fooled by ED thinking she was getting better. Today was weigh in day. Gained 0.3kg. Sooooo resistant to any more weight gain but says she wants to get better. After weigh in today I decided to stand firm and tell ED that she needed more weight as her therapist wants and I want. She went off the deep end. Became so violent like I have never seen before. I told her that was unacceptable but it took a while to stop. Think I got called very name under the sun then the begging began. Begging me to tell her she was ok and nothing was wrong with her. In the end rightly or wrongly I had to tell her to calm her down though. She knew I was lying. Once she calmed down she came downstairs and ate all of her meal and ice cream. I know I can keep feeding her but dealing with this anxiety and denial is so so hard and I don't know what to do. Says she is not going back to FBT ever again but will save that battle till next week. Ay advice much appreciated. Just feeling so alone right now.
Are you possibly nearing w/r, perhaps 10lb(4 or 5kg) to go? There is a belief that this last few kilos are the hardest (we never made it to full w/r). Remain firm, but calm and compassionate. Empathise about how hard it must be, but stay resolute in getting the rest of the weight on and keeping it on. I think the aggressiveness and violence, and even the pleading and begging are very difficult to deal with in our children, and indicate that the ed is fighting for its life, that it is being challenged. Keep going if you can.
If she says she won't go to the FBT session then say she can't go to school. Might her anxiety be heightened because she is finding school difficult?
I'll email you separately about local support for you.

HillBilly (formerly registered June 2012 under another name)
Hi Rosalind - So sorry for all the difficulty. I hate Ed.

It seems that there is no way to know what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes a horrible day is followed by a return to "normal" the next. (Or not.) 

I suggest you pretend the scene never happened, and hopefully she'll go back to where she was. I would also pretend she never made the comment about not going to FBT. Just act like you expect her to go, same as always.

Sending positive thoughts your way. Hang in there.



"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
"Once she calmed down she came downstairs and ate all of her meal and ice cream. "

This is actually AWESOME. This is something you can hang onto. In the midst of a terrible terrible rage, now you know that when she comes off of it, she will eat.

And let me tell you, if she continues to eat and gain, these rages will become ever so slightly farther apart. And ever so slightly less bad. And the calm after wards will come just a little sooner.

I totally promise. Keep feeding.

Also. If the worst anxiety comes before the meal, then eprhaps you can figure out how to lessen that. For my d, I found that any discussion before a meal was just completely counterproductive. Ed's only goal in discussion before a meal is to avoid the meal. Just say, "I'm glad to talk about that after you eat," and say it 25 billion times. This cuts down on the anxious buildup to a meal.

Also, as you've learned, there's really no point in talking about d's treatment plan (ie weight gain goal) with her at this point. Talking about it is just counterproductive to her being able to do it. Don't lie or omit, but be calm and vague ("you'll need to gain weight until you feel better," is a good one, I think) and certainly don't bring it up or expect buy-in at this point. For her, just conquering one meal at a time is all she has to do. For her to try to look down the road and see a number of pounds gained is just adding unnecessary anxiety.

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.