F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Mumoffantasticboy

It’s been a while since I’ve posted but (crossing fingers and toes as I type this) we have moved forward by some degree.  Lockdown was a challenge but we’ve made up the loss now and back up to 98%w2h.  Keeping up with the delayed puberty growth so far....but feeding like crazy to do so.  Anorectic thoughts still there but our son is fighting them and eating pretty much everything we give him.  Went away on holiday and he managed to eat out pretty much every night, from a menu he hadn’t seen before and he was able to make good choices.  He expresses interest in food again and now and talks about the things he loves to eat.  We aren’t there yet but we are in a much better place.
Which brings me to my question.  We have a fab therapist who ‘e-met’ with our family today.  It’s unusual for us all to meet but there were some problems with our eldest, non-ED son that needed to be discussed and resolved.
As part of the therapy, our AN son, 15, was talking about how he feels he has jumped from being 13 ( when anorexia started) to being nearly 16.  That he found that hard but was determined to claim back his life.  The therapist asked him what life would be like at 25.  The positives are that he said he thought he’d have his own place, 2-3 hours max away from us and that he thought he might be in a relationship ( but didn’t want one yet) but when asked about anorexia, he said he thought it would still be there and that it wouldn’t ever go away.  He seemed resigned to it.   

Is that unusual, to not be able to imagine a life without anorexia at this stage?  I suspect it shows that he’s still fighting hard and can’t imagine ever not fighting but I’m scared he still wants anorexia as part of him?  Anyone with any insight?

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greekdude
hello @Mumoffantasticboy , I can connect to you because our S also had/has this problem and he is also 15 now. He has said recently that he just stopped having those thoughts only to have him chatting with one of my nephews about how bad hydrocarbonates are. I was like WHAT??? The nephew is supposed to be a graduate nutritionist and know our story inside out, so I freaked out when I heard those words coming out from his mouth. Silliness at its best. Still S fought over this. He aligned with his cousin against bad hydrocarbonates. So apparently the thoughts are there. The experts here say that those thougts go away after WR. What's your S stats now? weight , BMI.
Needless to say, I wish all the best for your S, and congrats for the great work you have done to save him.
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Enn

I feel every person with ED is different. Remember too that your son is very young and the brain will still develop up until  25 + years old. Right now that is his only frame of mind and he may not YET be able to think outside the ED box. He is eating well and he did great on holidays. THAT IS FANTASTIC!!The biggest thing I feel right now for your son is that he is learning to eat properly to keep himself healthy and if he needs help with ED thoughts over time as he keeps eating well, then that will be done. 

I think he has so much time to ‘change his mind’ I also wish to acknowledge how far you have come. Looking back at the beginning did you feel he would be doing so well  and liking certain foods and talking about his likes? That is how I see his brain changing again over time and with continued nutrition. 

WELL DONE! 🙌 

 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Mumoffantasticboy
Thank you, both.  So kind of you to be so encouraging.  We are two years into our journey and looking back, even a year, I can see quite how far he’s come.  I suspect recovery is never fast enough for any of us, but we just need to keep on going.  Feeding through puberty is definitely challenging.  He needs more and more food but is compliant on portions, after a quick quibble, and is needing less and less reassurance.  Thank you all - onto the next meal! X
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PurpleRain
I hear you! My D is 14, almost 15, 1year WR ,(back to her growth curve +cushion) and is doing great food wise, eating extras freely, expressing hunger sometimes. However, she still has some body image issues, not sure it qualifies as body dismorphya or "just" normal teen dissatisfaction. I thought she would be further along regarding this, and I tend to futurize and get so sad thinking she would feel like that forever, and then she surprises me telling me: mom can I buy some swimsuits on line (yey!!). It's up and down, 2 steps forward, one back, and a marathon, not a sprint. We will get there!
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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KLB
I had a similar conversation with my son (now 17). He said he will never find eating an enjoyable activity or enjoy food like other people do. I found it really saddened me to hear him talk like that. I still hope that will change with further recovery and development. Perhaps your son means he will always be aware of the importance of eating enough and maintaining weight for himself rather than wanting ED in his life?
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melstevUK
KLB, did your son eat well and enjoy food as a child? If so, he will return to that when he is recovered. My d was always a picky eater and never showed interest in food or eating ever.  She ate because she had to and had a few things she liked but she would rather have been involved in some activity rather than eat. 
Post recovery she now really enjoys food and eating, likes eating out and cooking as well. I don't know why she ate so poorly as a child. I think it may have been a response to trauma, when I look back. But certainly the miracle of her recovery has led to full enjoyment of eating. If this can happen to her I believe it can happen to any child. 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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