F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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14 y old d, weight restored + five pounds. Very upset that we are requiring that she continue with high cal program. Opened up that she has been purging x 4, still eating but more resistance than one month ago. More negociating and really angry. So hard to deal with her anger. Hard to tell her she needs to finish everything on plate in empathetic way. Hard to validate feelilngs when feeling are mean and angry.  When I do she tells me I'm just parroting what therapist tells me to say. " sounds stupid and if I really understood I wouldn't make her finish". Says she would do fine if she could just eat on her own. "The Program" is what's causing the problem". Uch, I'm so tired and depleted, anxious and depressed.  She is so much better than she was five months ago but it's still hard. I wanted recovery to be more linear and discouraged that it's not. Commited though to continued weight gain, overshooting because so many of you supported that. 
That sounds so normal for this stage of the journey. Someone else here reminded her d that "it is an eating disorder, not a rudeness disorder". If she is medically stable and able to eat regularly, then it might be a good time to tell her that she needs to check her behaviour and that rudeness is not acceptable. When my d said that the doctors are stupid etc, I just ignored her, didn't even answer back. After a while she just stopped talking about it. I think they like to blame other people for making them eat, so that it takes the pressure of them. 

Take some time every day looking after yourself. This is an exhasuting journey. Go for a 10 minute walk, relaxing bath or just watch funny cat videos everyday, anything which would take your mind off ED. Do you take any medication for anxiety? I found that over the counter meds did the trick for me, just something which took the edge off. I also started drinking coffee during ED (it gives me courage to carry on) - I can't believe I survived without it all those years :-)
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
Hang in there Yael826_! While the anger is awful to have to experience, the fact that it is happening is positive.

It's exhausting being so terrified all the time. Your d needs you to be strong when she is not and to not hesitate when she is uncertain. 

My d and I found that writing notes to one another is more effective when things get stressful. She will leave me little notes in which she will tell me what the problem is - the supplement drinks, or the volume of food or whatever. I then write a note back telling her how proud I am of her for making an effort. When we have a face off at the dinner table it just ends in cyclical arguments or causes her anger to flair up. 

Mamaroo is right that funny cat videos (or whatever makes you laugh) is important for your own relief. 
D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
So important to take whatever slivers of time you can manage daily for self-care, as Barberton & Mamaroo have mentioned.  And disengaging as much as possible from the 'ED talk'.  There is just no arguing with your d right now; she simply can't manage the distress without blowing off some steam.  But that doesn't mean you need to just sit there....I also walked away without engaging when d got into the 'blame game'.  And it was helpful to write emails and texts sometimes, when the emotions ran really high.  My d could take the time to calm herself, and would usually respond to the texts or emails in a more civil manner.

Hang in there!  This is tough stuff, but will hopefully abate soon.  Sending hugs.❤ 
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou