F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Sign up Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #1 
Hi
My s is 14 and an IP for last 2 weeks and likely to be there for months
Does nyone else get abuse when they visit
Sarcasm,anger,abusive comments, and setting you against ex ie ex is now super dad
Is this how it goes?
deenl

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,155
Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Pingu,

I'm really, really sorry for what is happening. Unfortunately, this is very, very common. It gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Just keep calm and keep showing her the love. Don't worry about what she says about your ex. When my son was emotionally disregulated, he always went for the juggler, whatever would hurt most. It is just a reflexion of how much they are hurting, it's not personal.

Hang in there. Here is an article that explains why family based treatment of EDs is so hard but I think it applies to all treatment. We need to tolerate the pain and distress during treatment just like parents of kids with cancer do.

Wishing you strength and courage,

D

__________________
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you x
I’m awaiting back surgery so off work
Got the lol clear to drive on morphine if I feel ok
So travelled to get her wool and a crochet needle
Spent loads making her room nice t IP
For her then to start singing at 7:30 when she gets her phone making me feel she wants me to go
I then hug as about to leave Nd she say my hair smells unclean
Though she wants money for a trip thurs
I have made a 2 hr round trip to see her
And I go sat and sun basically whenever I can and each time I get abuse in some form or the other

scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,154
Reply with quote  #4 

deenl, 

I really like that article! So, so true!!

Pingu, I am sorry it is so hard.It does get harder before it gets better as deenl notes above. When D would say horrible things, like a lot of kids here, it took me a while, but with the help of our FEAST friends, I learned to "reframe". I would pretend that D was speaking a different language so that I did not "understand" her. I would give her a small kind smile and say " I know it is hard". " I understand this may make you feel better", " I will support you" Or when I was feeling particular sensitive, I would just not say a word. I kept saying that " i love you and we will get through this". I remember,once I yelled " I am strong and I love you and I will beat ED". It may not have affected her but gave ME strength in that moment to feed her and lessen that upset that I had. 

I know D does not remember much at all. She actually wrote a note to me when she was really ill and yelled, and would hurt me physically. She wrote that she knew she was hurting the family and that right now she could not stop getting angry. I kept that note, and I cry when I read it. 

So please keep telling her how much you love her, how she is in the right place and that you will help her beat ED no matter what!

XXX

 


__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Kali

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,082
Reply with quote  #5 
Pingu,

Try not to take this too hard. It is very common. Focus on the fact that your daughter is safe. How is her eating going on the unit, and is she starting to gain any weight? Do they offer any sort of family therapy to help you prepare for after she leaves the unit?

We also had a similar situation when our d. went into residential treatment; she was so angry at me that I didn't go visit her for the first two weeks except for the mandatory family sessions. Suddenly her dad was the best parent ever.

Why? A couple of reasons. As she later admitted to me she was angry with herself for being in the situation she was in so she was taking it out on me. Your daughter most likely knows that you love her and that you will forgive her if she behaves badly towards you. And secondly I think it is because of the two parents I was more aware of what was going on and challenging the eating disorder more. So he was the safer and much better parent because he had not been running around after her with a plate of food like I had.

But we played that card in our favor, meaning as long as there was one parent she would speak to I figured we were ok. And later on I took steps to try and repair the relationship and things are ok now. I do remember though how hurt I felt at the time.

I hope things will get better for all of you soon. I hope you and your ex can figure out how to call a truce and work together for your daughter. I'm sure it is not easy.

Warmly,

Kali
 

__________________
Food=Love
Mamaroo

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 789
Reply with quote  #6 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pingu
 ex is now super dad
Is this how it goes?


We had the same, but just the opposite. Even though it was always me insisting she ate, she hated her dad. I stayed with her during IP and my h would drive every day to the hospital, but when he got there. she would ignore him, so we ended up having lunch at the cafeteria (just the 2 of us). At home she would leave the room if he was there. Unfortunately, the abusive behaviour lasts a long time, a couple of months at least. If your d is getting in enough nutrition, you could insists that she starts to stop her behaviour. Pick the most offensive one (for us it was hitting, pulling hair) and start with that. When that one it ticked off, you can add another abusive behaviour. As the weight goes on it will get worse before it gets better, but after a couple of months, the bad behaviour will stop. Our d is now back to her normal, affectionate self.

Take care of yourself and best of luck with your back operation.

__________________
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #7 
Sorry I put a son it’s my daughter apologies
So today they has ward round and she’s put on 0.5 kg small yay I know
But what she has said that has infuriated me is that she can’t cioe with her autistic brother.
My god she doesn’t do much with him at all and he is pilot and I think very easy considering how level of diaabiito
Even the speech therapist who cane said what a chilled relaxing home we had

That’s the point this illness is making feel that I have no privacy and every move I make is under scrutiny.
I asked about updates ???

So cue staff who do not know her and feels like are reading from a sheet

I am but I feel my family is under attaxh
Mamaroo

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 789
Reply with quote  #8 
Great news about the 0.5kg! I'm doing my happy dance now [biggrin]
__________________
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
tina72

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,373
Reply with quote  #9 
I think what she said about her brother was only AN said that to hurt you. Try to not engage in that talk. I am very sure she will love her brother when her brain is recovered!

Yeah for the 0,5 kg! That is a start! Keep fighting!
Tina72

"Sorry I put a son it’s my daughter apologies"
You can easily change such things if you like to by using the "edit" button. It is possible a couple of hours and days but not unlimited. Elder posts you cannot "edit".

__________________
d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,602
Reply with quote  #10 
Pingu remember too that you don't have to accept the abuse.  You are free to get up and walk out whereas she is not.  She relies on you for things and while it may not seem like she wants visitors, I can tell you if you weren't there she would miss you.

I set very strict boundaries with my daughter about what I was willing to accept.  If I was going to take the time to drive wherever she was and bring her things, I was not willing to be abused for it.  For the first few times I saw her, I walked out feeling like I had just had a bomb go off under me.  I was seriously reeling at what was coming out of her mouth.  Then I realized what I allowed would continue so I sat her down and told her what I was willing to accept and what would happen if she became abusive.  I came and she would get two warnings before I would leave if she was being abusive.  After the first warning if she continued, I'd leave the ward for 10 minutes or so and grab a bathroom break or a coffee, etc.  I'd go back after 10-15 minutes and we'd try again.  If she became abusive again or continued conversations I said we weren't having, I'd get up and leave for that day.  I'd tell her as I was leaving when I would be back and we'd try again.  The first time I had to do it, she was instantly abusive the minute I came back so I said goodbye and left.

The next time I saw her, she was much more cautious and I got a request for an "extra" visit with money she needed.  I told her no, that I had told her when I was coming and we would talk about the money when I got there.  All it ever took after that was the first warning and she knew I meant business.  Unlike some, my daughter does remember what she said to me and now she says she could hear herself saying it and couldn't stop until there was a reason.   Her reason to stop was she wanted me to visit.  She is truly embarrassed about it and it's not something we talk about much now but I have found that setting boundaries on how much I was willing to tolerate really saved my sanity and helped her learn to reign in the emotional outbursts.  If you ever spend time on the ward, you realized that the mental health workers and nurses don't put up with verbal or physical abuse.  There are very clear and quick consequences for it so why should you have too?
scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,154
Reply with quote  #11 
mjkz,
I just want to say that, whenever you post, I learn so much. I wish I had your parenting skills... would have really been helpful with my older BPD D year ago when we did not know. You are always so clear with a great message that is grounded in good loving sense.
I always hope you will "pop by" with your wise , wise words and life experience with ED. 
I am sending you best wishes.
XXX

__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Kali

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,082
Reply with quote  #12 

Love this quote mjkz and we can all learn something from it. This can extend to other areas of the illness, such as setting firm boundaries for food intake and weight maintenance. Pingu the way I handled it was to take a little "break" from my d. for a couple of weeks when she first went inpatient, and it seemed to help. Then when I started visiting we usually played a game together which helped to normalize things and meant we could focus on something else besides what the eating disorder had done to our relationship, and eventually when she had permission to leave the unit and go for walks a few months down the road, we were able to have more constructive conversations. It was a gradual experience of things getting better that also coincided with weight restoration. You will most likely experience that your daughter becomes more reasonable when the weight starts to go on. 

Quote:
I have found that setting boundaries on how much I was willing to tolerate really saved my sanity and helped her learn to reign in the emotional outbursts.

Pingu, I too felt like we were being evaluated as a family when we first started out (with a couple of non evidence based providers) and found it uncomfortable. I'm sure my d. was asked questions about us and it felt to me like an invasion of privacy. But by the time she went into residential she had a team who did not place blame or waste our time with that sort of thing. Instead we discussed strategies for her homecoming and how to manage the illness moving forward. If you have family therapy sessions while she is there you can perhaps try moving the discussion to those sorts of more constructive topics instead of dwelling on anything which feels judgmental or intrusive.

warmly,

Kali


__________________
Food=Love
scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,154
Reply with quote  #13 
Pingu,
How are you?
XXX

__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #14 
Hi scareom
I’m ok just a hit done.
She’s still in hospital and whilst she is gaining weight slowly her headspace is still very much ED . She’s also very depressed so they may review her dosage
I’m just tired I’m having back surgery 29th October and so that means 7 weeks to recover after. That’s gonna make visiting awkward. Also my husband whist target practice with his air gun on Sunday had a pellet ricochet and hit him in the eye so he’s been off work all week
God can this whole drama get any worse
It’s just another drama to deal with

I have first fbt on Friday so I will just take it as it comes

Hope you all are ok xx
krae

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 202
Reply with quote  #15 
Oh Pingu my heart goes out to you. Hope you surgery goes well will be thinking of you. Hope H's eye gets better soon. Sending hugs xx
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #16 
Pingu, been wondering how you have been doing. How is your back feeling.
Big yay for weight gain.

Good luck with first fbt session. Hope eye gets better soon.
X
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 5,513
Reply with quote  #17 
Oh dang, Pingu, I'm so very sorry for all the difficulty.  It should not be possible for life to throw so much at one family.  I hope you are able to find some helpful friends, neighbors, relatives, etc. to shoulder some of this immense burden.  Hopefully they will be able to understand - at least - that you will need lots of help after your surgery.

Thinking of you. xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #18 
Thanks everyone
We’ve just heard from the unit that she’s been very upset because she had to eat some baking she did in group therapy.she was under the impression she wouldn’t have snack yet so got very upset and refused. She also was inappropriate during baking talking about the fat content in front of the other girls upsetting them.
Oh this is gonna be a long trek
Also her mood is so low they are upping her fluoxetine to 40mg.
I am begging to consider there maybe other things as well as ED going on; especially with my family history of MH
Does anyone else suspect other mh conditions potentially?
tina72

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,373
Reply with quote  #19 
"We’ve just heard from the unit that she’s been very upset because she had to eat some baking she did in group therapy.she was under the impression she wouldn’t have snack yet so got very upset and refused. She also was inappropriate during baking talking about the fat content in front of the other girls upsetting them."

Pingu, I really think for her state her behaviour is quite normal for AN. My d would also have freaked out about that baking and eating that cake afterwards in IP.
I do not think it is a great idea at all to let them do some baking at that time.We put a lot of energy to keep them out of the kitchen...;(

I think it was about 6 months after WR and nearly 1 year after start of refeeding that my d was able to bake something AND eat it afterwards. So this is something for phase 2. So do not lose much energy about thinking what it could be in addition. If there are issues left after WR and brain recovery it is enough time left to work on that.

I am also sorry about what happened, I hope you will get some more calmer days soon.

Tina72

__________________
d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
deenl

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,155
Reply with quote  #20 
Pingu, this sounds like an entirely normal reaction to an ED challenge. Please remember that no place will do everything exactly as we would like. The ED will need to be challenged again and again and again. And it is unfortunately very distressing for all. But the only way out is through.

There are many serious mental illnesses in our gene pool. My son had a difficult presentation of the eating disorder and he was very emotionally dis regulated with suicidality, self harm and depression but all resolved with improved nutrition. Of course, each case is different but I did want to let you know that co-morbids are not inevitable.

Warm wishes

D

__________________
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,154
Reply with quote  #21 
Pingu, 
I am sorry things seem to spinning at this time. I am quite impressed that you are getting surgery so soon. Here in Canada, wait times for orthopedic surgery can be years!!! 
Your D's reactions are ED, and yes I understand there are concerns re: MH with the family HX, but until she gets the weight on and more on, it may be hard to figure that out. 
I hope that things go better and your H is ok too. 
It takes time and when this stress is all around us, it does seem an eternity.

XXX

__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #22 
hi scaredmom

I’m very lucky in the sense that the bank I work for has private health insureance as. Benefit so that’s the reason I’m getting my surgery so quickly. I had a disc op in 2012 and recognised the pain-who ever forgets - so was into the so called quickly
Roll on those lovely pre op stockings
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

WTadmin