F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

RachelM Show full post »
RachelM
Thank you for your replies. 

An update from last night - I said she could only do an hour of exercise a day so either walk to and from school with her friends, or go to dance class.  She was not happy - she wailed and yelled and swore, threatened to kill herself and kill me, told me I was a psychopath and controlled every part of her life (very convincing - very expert manipulator) and thumped her head over and over with her fist.   When I got a glimmer that she knew it was because we care (kind words fuel her fire so you have to be very careful), I started pottering about the kitchen/lounge and she simmered down.  She straightened the table that she'd kicked and picked up all the things that had fallen off it.

This morning, she refused to sit and eat breakfast but she did eat breakfast and she did get in the car for a lift. 

The hour may well be too much...

I will read the super resistors thread.  I've removed her scissors and mirror.  I've started on Tabitha Farrar and will carry on watching those.  

Thank you again - I am very grateful for your time, experience and hindsight.
Quote
ValentinaGermania
RachelM wrote:

An update from last night - I said she could only do an hour of exercise a day so either walk to and from school with her friends, or go to dance class.  She was not happy - she wailed and yelled and swore, threatened to kill herself and kill me, told me I was a psychopath and controlled every part of her life (very convincing - very expert manipulator) and thumped her head over and over with her fist.   When I got a glimmer that she knew it was because we care (kind words fuel her fire so you have to be very careful), I started pottering about the kitchen/lounge and she simmered down.  She straightened the table that she'd kicked and picked up all the things that had fallen off it.


Great reaction from you! ED: 0 RachelM: 1

RachelM wrote:
This morning, she refused to sit and eat breakfast but she did eat breakfast and she did get in the car for a lift. 


Be strict with that and reduce exercise more if necessary. It is normal that they go through the roof first but also normal that they accept these new rules often sooner than you would expect it.
You can win that fight! Keep going!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
mjkz
Even an hour is too much.  I will say my daughter later thanked me for stopping her exercise because she couldn't stop herself. It might feel like a punishment but truly it is a blessing.
Quote
Barberton
Well done! You can do this.
D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
Quote
teecee
Mjkz ...agreed. My D thanked us too for keeping her safe when she couldn’t do it herself. 
Quote
teecee
But I have to say that was after the standoffs and well in to her brain starting to heal. ED can be very convincing when it screams but things tend to scream when they are dying...you must be hitting it where it hurts when you are putting your foot down. Keep moving forward it’s so worth it xx
Quote
Enn
RachelM,
It takes time to get your groove with ED. We could not stop all the standing in one go. It took a few months. We did not have as much exercise compulsion as some here. For us, we tackled the standing bit by bit. And in one week we had made some progress but it took about three full months before she sat just because people sit. 
So with your d any less exercise is a win, and any more food is a win. It is not just baby steps, there is you getting your confidence and plan of attack going and then there is the actions of those plans and then there is your d's reaction then your reaction to that and so on.  These things take time. 
I liken it to teaching/learning anything new in life, your teacher is now ED, and you need to learn it slowly and build your knowledge, test it, perfect it and learn more at a higher level. You will get your PhD in ED soon enough and it is worth all the strife. 
Sending my best,
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
RachelM
Thank you again for your replies.

We've had a not too bad couple of days although I had a bit of an emotional meltdown, I think because I needed to and had the opportunity.  My d went to say at a friend's house Friday and most of yesterday.  I phoned her mum to explain what was going on.  She was super.  She wrote down instructions - remove scales, give dinner already plated, don't encourage her to eat just let me know what was eaten, snack times and breakfast times etc.  I wish I had opened up to her months ago.

Also, for those in the UK on waiting list for CAMHS treatment.  I have managed to get a surgery in the neighbouring county to agree to register my d although we are outside of their practice boundaries.  The CAMHS eating disorder clinic in this county does not have a waiting list but said we had to be registered with a GP in their county.  Every surgery I phoned initially said no however NHS guidelines (https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/gps/patient-choice-of-gp-practices/) say it is possible.  I said this and I explained our situation.  Three of the four agreed to ask the partners and one wonderful surgery on Friday evening with people who don't know us have said yes, they'll register my d.  They did say this was highly exceptional. 

The idea was suggested by a private dietitian specializing in eating disorders who I consulted about my d's abnormal blood results -  http://www.alexiadempsey.co.uk (I hope it's OK to put a link).  We discussed the results via Skype the day after I contacted her, as no one from CAMHS eating disorder service was available to go through the results and the GP didn't know enough to explain them.  The GP made a referral to a general dietitian and said if we didn't hear anything in 3 weeks, get back to them (eye roll).      

I also removed her full length mirror on Friday while she was in school.  It was broken anyway so I put it in a friend's skip.  She was begging to have it back.  It was just her and I and the conversation kept going round in circles so I said I'd have to discuss with her dad.  This worked well in ending the conversation! 

The safe guarding lead at school has asked me to meet with the head, herself, head of year and head of student support.  Hopefully this is because they are starting to see how seriously I am taking this and equally how seriously they should be taking this. 

I hope this 'track' of our journey is helping those who read this.  It is helping me to write it and I very much appreciate your replies. 



Quote
teecee
Wow...you have made such great gains this weekend. Be sure to practice self care so that she can see what that looks like and model that herself 😊💕
Quote
Enn

I am pleased that your d's friend's mother was so supportive. What a gift! Yes you did need time to release all the emotions, it can be so much to bear. I hope you feel better today.

How great that you got another medical clinic to take her! You can tell them from me that they are just amazing and that they are helping you to save her! 
I think the meeting at the school is a good idea. Yes I agree they may be starting to see how serious this is. 
I too found it helpful to write things down and get other's view points. It is therapeutic!

And yes you are helping others for sure by posting your story!😊

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
ValentinaGermania
The friends mum seems to know a lot about ED!!! Use that! You can learn from her and you can send your d to eat there with her friend and could get some free time for yourself.

About the mirror, we just delayed the discussion about getting it back to other days (we will talk about it when dad is at home, will we look for one when we go to the furniture store, we must check where we get a cheap one and so on) and after a few days she did not ask any more for it.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Hendrixt
Well done Rachel for battling your way through the system. So hard to do when you’re also trying to deal with a starving child with raging ED. Don’t forget the school are legally obliged to provide reasonable healthcare which includes supervised eating. Our school talked about getting ‘volunteer’ members of staff to supervise eating, implying that they were relying on goodwill until I requested a healthcare plan. We now have a signed document setting out clearly what the school are required to do at mealtimes and there is no longer any talk of volunteers.
Quote

        

WTadmin