F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Muminhope
Long story but try to be short which happened this morning. I believe AN D is close to her WR. However she started to doubt I added something in her food recently. Her state seems worse during recent two weeks. Usually I prepare breakfast 30 minutes earlier every morning before everyone gets up. Last week she sneaked and questioned me why I poured her milk in a glass firstly than others and she found I added some water in my milk. Then I decided to prepare breakfast 40 minutes earlier this week. Today she sneaked downstairs and found her congee looks whiter than others. She said she saw I added some “powder “in her congee. I told her no powder. She looked for “powder” everywhere in the kitchen but didn’t. She’s extremely upset to me and blamed me so “dirty” for what I have been doing for her. She said if no “powder” as what I said my H and I need to finish this “whiter congee”. I told her I am willing to share this congee among three of us but she insisted only both my H and I not hers. A Good thing is that she still finished all her breakfast except this congee. I washed away it. She insisted me to tell everyone the truth what the “powder” is. I didn’t respond her. What do you think of it? What should I do? I know I am so clumsy on this point. I believe she needs more intake otherwise we will be stuck on this stage and her mood can’t be better. Thank you so much for your comments in advance!
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Enn

This is a very common situation. There is nothing you can say or do to calm her down. All you can say is that you know best and that you are giving her what she needs.
If you are adding extras and she sees you then I would not lie, just say over and over that you know best.
This happened here many times. I used to put her plate at her brother’s place on the table and would make it look less. It was exact same as her brother’s. She would want to switch and that was still fine. She did this with her dad’s portion too.
May I inquire as to why you may have put water in your milk? 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Muminhope
@Enn Thank you so much for your feedbacks. The first question, what should I answer hers because she wants to know that “powder” is. I am sure she would be hysterical if she knows I added benecarie. She had ever searched this product by herself when she had doubt to me. Second question, we drink similar whole milk and recently I feel very full to drink whole milk everyday so that I can’t eat my lunch. 
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Enn

Letting your d know that every person’s body has their own needs, is an important lesson for her to learn. I personally would drink water in front of d. D would get upset but learned that her body needed to grow and heal and mine did not. She did not take it lightly but it was part of her mental/emotional growth.
I did add stuff to d’s food and did not tell her. Some have told their child that they added again with the information that ‘ this is what you need’. Others have not confessed their o adding , like me, just to say’ oh that tastes bad, I will make  a new one’ or the milk is fine. Not sure what you are taking about. ‘

Those types of statements got me out of a few sticky situations.

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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deenl
Hi muminhope,

I added extra nutition to my son's food too. 

I often cooked at times when he was not hanging around downstairs, I found it easier to ensure the food had the needed nutrition . Because he only ate 'safe' foods, the family often ate different things to him. That made it easy to adjust the nutrition in his portion and not ours. I also had two containers of milk, one was the brand of milk he liked and one for the rest of the family. His one had a little NutriPowder to add various vitamins etc as he refused to take a multivitamin.

I wonder what would happen if you got up at your normal time and made everyone the same breakfast for a few days. A few days won't make that much of a difference and might allow everything to calm down. In the few quieter days you might think about how you want to add extra nutrition in a way that is easier, maybe having something in a dummy container, portions in the freezer, cooking at different times, leaving some food prepared the night before, etc. 

Although ED does drive our kids to extremes! We had a cool room (like a walk in fridge) in the outhouses and I kept the preprepared food there. One night I got up to pee and saw a light bobbing around there. Frightened, I woke my husband and we snuck out for a look. It was our son skimming the fat off some chicken stock I had made! In the middle of the night!

On occassion, my son would end up with a standard dinner and one of the brothers with the enhanced version. I didn't react at all so that it didn't arouse his suspicion. My thinking was that one mishap hear and there was not going to make much of a difference.

Once in a while, he would notice a difference in taste when I had added too much of something. Then I would taste it, say 'Hmm, seems ok to me but to be on the safe side I'll get you a new meal' (I always had something extra in the freezer, ready to heat up)

Anyway, these are some of the thoughts that flitted throught my mind. The main thing is to celebrate that she is eating and to keep working through this wobble until it passes.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Perhaps now is the time to make it clear that she has different needs? Make food distinctly different but let her know that she is getting what she needs and you are getting what you need. It is likely that this may increase her anxiety, however her anxiety is already high and focused on avoiding those "extra" calories as her ED sees it. By making clear that there are different foods it can make it easier to add extra calories for her. 

When my D was at her sickest she really did need me to eat the same as her. I helped to ease her anxiety enough that she could eat at home (we had numerous hospitalisations). I therefore at all foods prepared the same in all ways, meals and snacks. Yes it did lead to some gain for me too, but ultimately that settled down as she was able to recognise those different needs. 

These are two different ways of managing things. I think trying to pretend they are not different when they are is difficult. Remember her anxiety is sky high. Her ED may be telling her all sorts of things, and she will focus on those differences.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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MKR
May I add that your daughter should not be telling you and your husband what to do! I know she is very stressed and overreacts but can you say calmly to her "We are the parents. You are going to be OK." Hearing this every time, she will remember it, just like babies remember and accept.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Torie
Muminhope wrote:
The first question, what should I answer hers because she wants to know that “powder” is.
 s
Many here have adopted the mantra, "I don't discuss ingredients."  And then change the subject. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Barberton

Muminhope,

It all sounds very normal. The closer they get to WR, the stronger the eating disorder voice can be. Calm reassurance is your best approach. You are the parent. You know what is best.

Would it help to say to your d, "I can see that you are really worried about what's in the congee" and then wait for her to respond? It's not getting defensive about what is or is not in the congee, but letting her know that you recognise that she's upset. That's all. She is frightened and just needs someone to acknowledge that fear and then help her move forward. 

Good luck. You can do this.

D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
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Muminhope
Thank you so much for all of your advice. This is so supportive and encouraging to me.We had a conversation last Saturday about that “powder” which I added. D insisted me to tell her what that was. She searched my purchase record at Amazon and found it. I did not discuss with her about that. I just told her I love her and I know the best what she needs. I know she’s still suspicious to me and doesn’t believe in me. I don’t mind as long as anything can help her recover better. The clinics made an appointment with D on May 19th. Before I have her weight I am thinking to plan current meals and decide if she needs more food after the appointment.
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deenl
Well done.

I know that I had to calmly and firmly tell my son that it was unhelpful to discuss food and I wouldn't do it which is exactly what you did too. I really did find it the best way to calm the situation and over time he stopped needing to know. 

Hang in there,

D

P.S. I hope you have changed your passwords! And please be aware that the forum is a public forum. Anyone, member or not, can read the posts. If your daughter is computer savvy and searching in your digital history she may find your posts. I worked and still work hard to prevent my son even knowing about the forum and have my phone and laptop protected by passwords so he cannot look at them. You can also delete your history as a precautionary step and I use a separate email address for FEAST communications.
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Muminhope
@deenl Thanks for your kind reminder. I have changed all of my password for all devices and searching record. I have admit that kids are smarter than us in digital world.
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