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mfab12
Hi

I was wondering if anyone had some advice - or help to confirm my thinking. I am currently awaiting for my D's CAMHs worker to return my call but no idea when that will be.

My 17 D has been doing really well. She started to become unwell just Mar 17, although didn't get diagnosed until Sept 17 and started a very difficult FBT with no need for hospital admission. She regained weight (with the help from the advice on this forum) within a couple of months and we have had a few dips and in and out of support services but managed to be near or at full WR. Self image wasn't the driving force, but always active and a friendship/relationship issue triggered intense exercise/food restriction. FBT was horrendous but effective. She is very sporty and with college got back onto the balance of just team sport and training for that.
we have always said not back to running or HIT workouts or boxing - which she 'needed!' to do when unwell.

However, lockdown has taken away all of that and she started doing 'PE' lesson with Joe Wicks online with her friends - basically a child friendly HIT workout for 20minutes - every day. Her friends stopped on day 3 - she didn't and I tried the gentle 'have the odd day off' - but she didn't. today my husband asked if she wanted to go for a cycle instead and the whole world came down! it was very irrational outburst like the early days of the FBT. Obviously this is an issue, she is saying it sets her up for the day etc...Food is pretty structured and she manages to keep the structure/content quite independently. She doesn't like to talk about it and apart from being weighed doesn't engage with CAMHS, she said she would be willing to do something online.

Question, do I say 'no more Joe Wicks at all?' do I say 'do a yoga session instead? or 'only do a couple of times a week'.

Also if anyone knows of any good sites for recovery I can signpost her to, that would be helpful.

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long post, it helps to know there are people who know the pain it feels as you see another dip to this hideously long road we are all on or been through...thanks x
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Foodsupport_AUS
Sorry that your D seems to be struggling right now. There are a number of red flags that you mention, her persistence with a high intensity workout when all others have dropped off and her anger/ anxiety when any change to the routine is even suggested. Her reliance on structured eating suggests she may also be just eating to "stay stable" rather than truly eating with freedom from ED thoughts.

You don't mention how often she is being weighed, but I have a suspicion there may have been some loss, and she may also not be continuing to gain as much as she should over her teenage years.

I am not sure you should offer any alternate exercise, but rather insist that she sit with the anxiety of not exercising. Not doing your high intensity workout every day is normal 
As for recovery sites there are few around if she is very engaged with her care. She can read Tabatha Farrar's site designed for adults only. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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mfab12
Thank you for your reply.

She is getting weighed monthly - last week. She is maintaining her weight which is about 105% W2H, so that's a good sign. I will check out that site you have suggested.

I know she isn't truly free but so difficult if she wont engage with professionals. I know she talks to me more than anyone (when she lets me) and so I feel like I need to do as much as I can, but I am not an expert. I am also the one who gets the angry outburst when I say something she doesn't want to hear..
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teecee

I was going to suggest Tabitha Farrah too. I love the way she puts things across in a no nonsense way (it does make me smile). 

I agree with Foodsupport about her still internally ‘measuring’ input (food) with output and compensating behaviours. She may not even recognise it herself...mine didn’t initially. No normal person is in the right frame of mind to do that schedule of exercise everyday...if she’s honest to herself she will be doing exercise even when she’s tired or not up for it. We got tears when my D got an injury from overtraining. You could try talking to her about concerns re overtraining and that she may not be able to do any exercise at all if she is incapacitated. It’s difficult as we struggled with exercise compulsion and compensating behaviours. I get my D to reassess every few weeks that she’s not spiralling out of control and upping in little increments. My hubby watches and checks her behaviours around exercise as he knows what is too much - he won’t allow her to go beyond.

we chose not to do away with exercise completely as she had done performance sports since 6 and it was a way of life that she enjoyed before ED. Others have been successful in stopping altogether. It depends...did your D do this much before ED or not? If not then it may not be her normal. 

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Enn
I will reply a bit later but thought as Foodsupport and teecee have mentioned this good resource, I would give the link.
https://tabithafarrar.com/
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Enn

I would agree ED is quite active currently. I note form your previous posts your d was exercising everyday. Were you ever able to get her to stop exercising even for a few days at a time?




I am not sure you should offer any alternate exercise, but rather insist that she sit with the anxiety of not exercising. Not doing your high intensity workout every day is normal. 

👆

I would not allow her to exercise. Why? Although it can be motivation to eat more,
for me to see my d recover being able to just eat and not exercise would be normal, and that is what I would strive for. 

We found when d was standing all the time we had to have time limits on sitting. And we increased those times limits so d could get used to sitting and for distress tolerance . She learned over time that nothing bad would happen if she sat. 

I know your situation is different. Just sharing our experience. 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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mfab12

Thank you for all your replies. 

In the early days we stopped everything - it was awful but we did it. My D was very sporty before and we had then managed to have some balance, no running, no intense exercise, only team sport, which involved McDonald’s on the way home. 


think losing that due to lockdown and then finding the PE lesson started the ‘must do’ and then can sit for 7 hrs doing school work. 


I tried talking to her and she wasn’t able to talk so I text her to say she’ll not be doing that anymore and not replacing it. We have had the silent treatment and told us she is she is going to see a friend tomorrow. Which is much better reaction to what I expected and she carried on eating everything without any fuss. I obviously know I’m going to need to keep on it, monitoring etc and I’m sure more battles ahead. I’ve passed on the recommended website. The older she gets the more the concern of the influence I’ll be able to have. 


thanks everyone for listening. much appreciated

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teecee

During refeeding we stopped too and then introduced twice weekly 15 min exercise (drastic reduction from 16 hrs tennis training a week and more). She does nothing near that now and prefers to coach rather than compete. 

It’s great that you can still communicate....text messages were invaluable for us. Keep the dialogue going. I worried about my D turning 18 but I needn’t have .... our communication has improved and we now have a really open and honest relationship. We respect her views and she ours. 


It’s a bit like ‘whack a mole’....ED tries to introduce something, you head it off at the pass...it finds something else. You just have to keep whacking it until it dies. It will though...just keep challenging it. Yes there will be cross words but she will be able to overcome it herself in due course if you are able to pick up and point out to her those things that just don’t feel right. Well done for picking up on this latest behaviour. It’s so exhausting isn’t it but you will get that normal life you strive for if you keep doing that 

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mfab12

Thank you, you don’t know how much I needed that Email of hope tonight. I feel so much pressure to get it right and so scared of the future. 

hopefully tomorrow will better than today. 

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teecee

It’s so super important to view things as ‘feedback and not failure’ - no one can get it right....we do something....it works and great but if it doesn’t we readjust. 

I saved myself when I truly accepted I couldn’t ‘fix’ my child as that was out of my control. Whet I could do though was encourage, support and model self care so she knew what that looked like. When I started to relax more she followed the que!! Try it....it could work for you too. 

Yes tomorrow is always another day. Worrying about tomorrow zaps today’s strength....let tomorrow happen and try to deal with it if it happens. Goodnight and take care. X

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Enn

Mfab12,
You know ED recovery and treatment is never linear and there is no magic formula. It really is perseverance and watching for behaviours and using our blood hound sense to sniff ED out.
When there are changes in routine and stress many kids revert to more ED behaviours. Like you mentioned above with the covid shutdowns your d may have reverted a bit. This is just a blip and you know what you need to do. She is so lucky to have you right there with her so that you can help her right her ship and move forward. 

What you are going through is normal and you’ve got this. You really do. 

Sending a hug 🤗 and cup of ☕️.

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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MKR
Hi @mfab12,

We had very very similar issues here during lockdown, with social media trying to dictate an exercise regime for our daughter, who has been WR but mind still largely preoccupied with ED.

I had to do something about the daily morning workouts in the park, so I demanded: either she does them 3x a week or not at all. I just had to slow the sessions down before they got out of hand (because it is so much harder once they've taken hold). Some families lock away all shoes, to show ED they mean business.

As for the exercise in the house, we kept interrupting it when it went on outside agreed time.

ED knows you are after it, and that you mean business. Keep going!
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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mfab12

Thank you for all the responses. My D did decline for a couple of weeks and my hope rapidly went with it, but we have had that turning point, also we've found a you tuber (I think recommended here) and my D has been watching the videos and even started being able to discuss this, (although she still doesn't engage well with camhs) her mood lifted dramatically and we are all winning the battle again.. And hope restored... This forum is invaluable to me and my D (not that she knows anything about it) 


Thank you... Here we go again... Have a good Sunday x

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Foodsupport_AUS
It is great to hear that she is doing so much better. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Enn

@mfab12
Thanks for the positive update. 

i hope you have a great day as well!

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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PurpleRain
So glad your D is doing better! Lockdown is HARD!
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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