F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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salmy
I feel like I keep asking the same questions.... a few weeks ago I asked about having D begin preparing for her Drivers' License or getting a job. It has become obvious to us that neither of these things can happen for her right now. She can hardly pick up her things and take care of her clothes, much less anything that requires more responsibility. The thing is, I can't tell if this inability is due to ED brain or if it is just the way this particular child has *always* been. D(16) is a 12 or 13 year old living in a 16 year olds (not yet developed) body. She has never been able to take care of her things, or take directions, or follow directions... how do I tell which it is and do I continue to insist (ok, nag) if it is ED brain? I am wearing myself with all of the nagging over a hundred million things these days!
Also, I'm not sure what to make of what is happening with her grades. Prior to ED she was an honor roll student, who was an amazing procrastinator. Now, she seems to care very little about school and is failing a few classes. Her teaching team reports that she is not focusing and is sitting with kids that are distracting. I'm wondering if sitting with the distracting group serves to distract her from the still very present ED and food thoughts? I don't know where to set the bar for her academically right now. Should we just consider it a lost year and prepare for summer school? I can't get a good read on what is happening with her so I know how to fix it. It is so complicated because of this very sad thing: Our daughter, even after having list a quarter of her body weight, did not LOOK sick. That is the most damning thing... because without looking sick it was hard to change our expectations. We never pulled her from school (though she did come to work with me 2 days for refusing to eat her breakfast in early February). She did change math classes because it was so clear that with ED brain she could not learn geometry. But even with the remedial geometry class she is not learning the concepts and is unwilling to ask for help. I am frustrated but don't even if know if I should be.... and maybe I need a clearer view of what is happening for her at school. She reports being distracted 6-8 times by ED/food thoughts during each class and that she just really doesn't care. ðŸ˜«
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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Enn

salmy,
Many have needed to take their kids out of school until their brains could function better. The healing of the brain takes time.
A couple of options:

1: keep her in school and see how it goes. Maybe speaking to the teacher would help
2: Getting a tutor?
3: Let it go for now or take her out for awhile

Just some suggestions. There is no right answer. You know your situation best and what may be appropriate.

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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PurpleRain
My D never missed school, it was a very small, very relaxed private middle school, and then the school closed and we decided to homeschool her, we got her a tutor and it has been a blessing. she is relearning everything she half-learned during refeeding so much quicker, she really is doing two years in one and will be ready (fingers crossed) to go back to school (HS) in the fall. She just couldn't concentrate during refeeding (she didn't failed any subjects but she didn't really learned much last year)
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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Scaredmom2019
That's a tough one. We really focused on health first. I knew that fighting ED was going to take a lot of physical and mental energy. That is goal number one. Without health; school doesn't even matter. 

We pulled out to part time. She went a couple hours in the morning and did "easy" classes.for one semester. We are now in 2nd semester and she is doing morning classes at school and two online classes at home. I HAD to have her home for lunches. There was no way she was going to eat at school in 20 minutes or even an hour!

Taking time off feels so disruptive and scary -i know. But not getting ahold of ED is far more scarier. And if shes going to get poor grades you might be doing her a favor by taking her out until she can do well.
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Torie
salmy wrote:
The thing is, I can't tell if this inability is due to ED brain or if it is just the way this particular child has *always* been. D(16) is a 12 or 13 year old living in a 16 year olds (not yet developed) body. She has never been able to take care of her things, or take directions, or follow directions... how do I tell which it is and do I continue to insist (ok, nag) if it is ED brain? I am wearing myself with all of the nagging over a hundred million things these days!

Whatever the cause, it sounds like she needs more support.  Most find that it is like having a toddler again - perhaps it will help to think of it that way.  What would you say and do when she was very young and you wanted her to do x,y,z?

One thing that helped me a lot was when someone here told me that however hard this was for me, it was much, MUCH harder for my d.  So true.  And she had the attention span of a gnat.

Do her teachers have any suggestions? xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
salmy wrote:
It has become obvious to us that neither of these things can happen for her right now. She can hardly pick up her things and take care of her clothes, much less anything that requires more responsibility. The thing is, I can't tell if this inability is due to ED brain or if it is just the way this particular child has *always* been. D(16) is a 12 or 13 year old living in a 16 year olds (not yet developed) body.


Many ED patients are highly intelligent or even gifted and emotionally and socially a lot of years younger in their hearts than on paper. Mine is 20 now but when you see her and watch how she acts in many ways you would think she is 13-15. Please read Carrie Arnolds "Decoding Anorexia" to understand the character of these children.

salmy wrote:
Also, I'm not sure what to make of what is happening with her grades. Prior to ED she was an honor roll student, who was an amazing procrastinator. Now, she seems to care very little about school and is failing a few classes. Her teaching team reports that she is not focusing and is sitting with kids that are distracting. I'm wondering if sitting with the distracting group serves to distract her from the still very present ED and food thoughts? I don't know where to set the bar for her academically right now.


My d is gifted and has a really high IQ but when she was sick with AN in the dark days she could not concentrate on anything. She could not speak normal, she made sentences with not more than 3 or 4 words (and she is speaking very eloquent with a big dictionary normally), she could not read a page in a book and understand what is written there and she could not follow the lessons in school. Her brain was too bad in that state.
After refeeding that all came back slowly and 1 year after WR she finished school with her class and with best grades.
It might be time to take your d off school for some weeks and to concentrate on refeeding and let her go back when her brain is better. Is she already on 504?

This all will solve by time and with more food and a brain that works normal again. Try to give her that time and wait.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
 Mine is 20 now but when you see her and watch how she acts in many ways you would think she is 13-15. 

My d, too, has always been young for her age.  And then during the ED years, they don't seem to grow emotionally.  xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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