F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Scarlett81
Clinic yesterday and after 7 weeks of refeeding our s we finally saw a 1kg increase!  I know this is a huge journey, but it was all I needed to keep myself going and battle on.

Mood, anxiety and fear are at their worst so far.  There's not much I can say to calm him.

Hovering at 2200-2400 calories and I don't want to lose momentum.  Feeling scared now though, because the only way I can increase from here (without buying shares in canola oil) is to start tackling some of those fear foods.  What do you think?  Anxiety is constant 18 hours a day with no break.  Do I still go for it?!
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scaredmom
How do you feel about just pushing through?
it is to happen sometime, and maybe that time is now or a bit later.
go with what you are feeling. Yes the anxiety is always there and a given, but to move quickly can lead to quicker improvements.
sending my best
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Scarlett81
Hi scaredmom,

The thing is, I can see AN trying to take control even more.  A mouthful missed  here, a snack there, things that he ate two weeks ago now being refused.  We're down to pretty much the same menu every day and I'm getting angry with AN for being so controlling! Feel like I want to smash up the control.  

But on the other hand, he's just gone to try and jump through the bedroom window (fortunately all locked) to escape one Belvita biscuit... so I don't know... I appreciate your opinion!
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scaredmom
For us the fights were inevitable an extra bite or an extra drink. We did have to fight through and making sure all in the home were safe.
the only way to get to the end is to get through the middle we can’t skip from the beginning to the end. I hope I am not speaking in riddles. I am trying to say that there are no shortcuts. And it is not easy.
it is where we get a crash course in Olympic parent training. 
So harness your feelings of wanting to smash the control and try what you feel is best. Part of pushing through for us is to show us how strong we truly are and that we can do anything to save our kids, even if that means some yucky feelings for a while and harder times for the near future.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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scaredmom
The more he gets wants control it means you are pushing ED’s buttons and you are on the right track.
you will find the enemy so to speak and he comes out of hiding and then you can smash him.
sending strength 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Scarlett81
Scaredmom thank you for the fighting talk!!!
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scaredmom
Remember when we talk about fights 
you can do this more psychologically and  I don’t mean aggressively..
it can be as subtle and so powerful to just sit there or hug them. That is the power! And love combined!!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Foodsupport_AUS
Yay, you are moving forward. It is hard to push back against their increasing urge for restriction, but push back we must. 

Early on we had a very limited menu, and D struggled with anything she thought wasn't steamed and oil free. Proteins and carbs were less of a fear for her. The fact is though that we need to get about 35% of their intake in as fats, partly to reduce the size of the meals, and partly to heal their brains.

My D started her re-feeding with numerous hospital admissions. As she increased through meal plans her meals became bigger - 1 1/2 sandwiches instead of 1 for example and she also had bigger snacks - up to double size. It does amount to a lot of food, especially if it is not calorie dense. Some kids struggle more with the types of foods, some with the quantity, but you are right that increasing a bit more is the way forward . 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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tina72
Scarlett81 wrote:
Hi scaredmom,

The thing is, I can see AN trying to take control even more.  A mouthful missed  here, a snack there, things that he ate two weeks ago now being refused.  We're down to pretty much the same menu every day and I'm getting angry with AN for being so controlling! Feel like I want to smash up the control.  

But on the other hand, he's just gone to try and jump through the bedroom window (fortunately all locked) to escape one Belvita biscuit... so I don't know... I appreciate your opinion!


1 kg!!! 👍 Thats great!

If that is the case, that the restriction gets more and more every day I would go for tackling fear food or your meal plan will be very limited soon.
Other idea is to try first to stay strict with the things he ate 2 weeks ago and get that in. Fear food is something you do not need to tackle now until his meal plan offers you enough to feed him. Go with your gut and great thing that you are able to be angry with ED and not your son. This is the right path. When you can seperate that it will get easier to fight ED.

Make a list what he was eating lets say a months ago and get that in. Make an additional list of all fear food that he restricts now but ate lets say 2 years before ED moved in. And then work that down. We had fear food day every sunday and every sunday we ate one thing from that list until it was worked down. It took us more than a year but we did not dare to rib the band aid off. Looking back I would now do 2 fear food days a week to get there faster.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sk8r31
Great motivational words from scaredmom!  Hang in there Scarlett...it seems you are on a roll, and up to the task!  Sounds as though tackling fear foods would be a good thing to try...however you want to do that.  It can be 'rip the bandaid off' or slowly laddering.  You know your kid best, so try what you think might work.  And remember...feedback, not failure.  You can tweak or change things if it all goes off the rails.

What worked for us...we involved our d by asking her to come up with a 'Top 10' list of fear foods.  This in itself was not easy, as the list was much longer....
Once the list had been put together, we offered one item from the list each day.  We agreed not to serve the most difficult things day after day.  So it was a mix up of one of the hardest things one day, and slightly easier the next.  And we had a contract which stipulated that once all the fear foods were 'struck off' the list, we would provide d with an agreed-upon incentive.  In d's case, it was an iPad, when every item was off the list...and to be 'off the list' meant that the item was served 3 times in a row, and eaten without complaint.  I'd say this took about 10 weeks to complete.  It was well worth it.

There are many ways forward, but I do think you want to start work on fear foods soon.

Sending warm support,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Scarlett81
Tina72, sk8r31,
Thank you both for your advice.  I think my next step now is to write a plan for myself... helps me stick to my own rules and not waver under pressure!!  I think I have realised that the anxiety is huge no matter what I give him, so I may as well give it a try.  I like the idea of certain days for facing fear foods.  S will also like the idea of a good incentive! 

Thanks all, you are all such a huge support, don't know what I'd do without ATDT!

Xxx
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tina72
We did it on Sundays because then hubby was around and we could change at the table if needed (I often needed a break in between) and he was great with making sure the food will go in. On one day he said to her "it might take that long that I get grey hair here but that does not scare me a tiny bit!"
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sk8r31
A written plan is a great idea, helps with focus and resolve!  I initially balked at the idea of an 'incentive' for tackling fear foods, but have to say that it worked beautifully!  And you are so right Scarlett...there is going to be a battle no matter what, so may as well make it worthwhile!

Hang in there,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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tina72
The fixed fear food day was great for my d also because she knew that it will come and we had a meal plan so she knew what the fear food for next sunday will be and could get used to this idea and this decreased anxiety here (in some cases this increases anxiety and they eat better with surprise and not knowing ahead). After a couple of weeks it was her way of telling me what she wanted to eat but AN did not allow. She said for example "I hope you are not going to make me eat fries next sunday" which meant "I would desperately like to eat fries next sunday". And then we ate fries 🙂.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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