F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Sotired Show full post »
Sotired

Hi guys,
im gonna start backwards😁 we are going to be in LA for 10 days and San Francisco for four Torie. I’ve no idea where you’re based and I know America is huge, but if you do happen to live around there I would love to catch up.we head over in mid January. Pm me if you think we can make it work.
to everyone who has followed our story, yes I am at peace with my decisions about my d. I really wrestled with it a long time and without the therapist managing to clear some dead wood regarding how my marriage was suffering and WHY it was suffering I’m not sure we could have made it through.but we have and I am grateful. I’m grateful for a lot of things. I still have my friends and I highly recommend keeping your friends, even if they don’t understand, even when they say things that feel insensitive because they aren’t where you are emotionally.time passes and one day you don’t want to look around and see you pushed everyone away.
im grateful for learning a new hobby with my gardening.it gives me such joy to see what I’ve created.
im grateful to myself for having the courage to step away from my d whose toxic behaviour started to far outweigh her anorexia.i take joy in the life I’m creating for myself.i won’t be participating in her journey anymore melstev, but I hope she finds a better way to get the attention she craves. It’s too dangerous for me to be part of her journey anymore- she’s too believable and I don’t want to travel dark paths again like I have this year and the years previously. My own life is precious to me again, I don’t want to ever feel like it isn’t again.ive had a lot of horrible stuff believed about me by the local hospital and being accused of munchausens by proxy is not something I’d wish on anyone.or being told you want to facilitate your daughters suicide.
so getting to a place of peace again has been hard work and helped with both medication and therapy and knowing that even if no one else needed me to stay alive , the dogs and cats I have absolutely do. Don’t worry, that time is past now, but it was a dreadful time.
im going to live a good life.
ill pop in here from time to time if I feel like I’ve something useful to say 😁


Sotired42
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Torie
Oh rats, Sotired, I am about as far away from the left coast as is possible while still being in the US.   I did live in LA for 7 years, and it is truly a great place to visit (although I did not like living there, as the saying goes).  Too bad; I would love to meet you in person.

I'm glad you will still hang around here at least sometimes; you have so much hard-earned wisdom to share.  It always feels like an old friend has returned when I see your name in the author box.

I hope your trip is everything you are hoping for.  Have a margarita for me, or two.

Love and hugs xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
Sotired wrote:
ill pop in here from time to time if I feel like I’ve something useful to say 😁


I think your experience is very precious here especially for those who do not get out of the trenches as soon as expected and have different cases. As Torie said, it is like seing an old friend again when your name pops up and we all love to have you around here.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Sotired
Just a heads up to any moderators reading that d found my account and has read at least some of it. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done about it tbh.she got put on blast on reddit by someone who researched her history and I don’t know how but they found my account here.she was being outed as a faker .
for me personally I’m pretty gutted as this was an absolute lifeline to me but I was and have always been brutally honest here about our terrible journey.it makes me resentful that I couldn’t even have this.im not sad that she’s learning how this affected everyone but I resent not having the privacy.
anyway, apparently she’s pretty sick, but not in immediate danger according to h.
tori, America was a super interesting experience.the kids loved Disney and middle d found a goth shop she loved in Hollywood.
san Francisco was a weird mix of wonderful and scary, I’ve never seen so many homeless, I’ve never seen such wonderful shops.pier 39 was amazing.i did loads of shopping.
d wants to resume contact but I just can’t.i don’t feel safe - the second I do resume contact I get three days of niceness and then the rest is just endless recriminations about what a terrible mother I am.i can’t put myself through that anymore.
love to you all,
so tired xx
Sotired42
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ValentinaGermania
Sorired, I am sorry to hear that she found that but I think you are right, there is not much we can do against it. I hope that will not keep you from coming back here now and then.
I am pleased to hear you had a good time in America. Sounds like you enjoyed it and you deserved to have a nice holiday so much!
Lots of love and a big hug back!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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greekdude
@Sotired , I had never imagined what would mean praying constantly yet being just a step away from the front porch of hell. But it seems you tasted a little bit what it means to be inside.
Anyway, just curious, recent research talks about deep brain stimuation on specific parts of the brain in cases where the conventional methods didn't yield positive results, have you thought about it?
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Sotired
Greekdude,
I am in NZ and there are limited options here.i have been right in the furnace of he*lwith d, we are part of the unlucky 30% for whom FBT didn’t work.she has tried all the available therapy I could find at the time. She also appears to have munchausens as she makes up stuff and makes herself ill.
if anyone here has experience with deep brain stimulation, please do chime in- as far as I’m aware it’s not offered in NZ but I am a couple of years past knowing what new treatments might be on offer here.

Valentina, thanks for confirming what I thought. I do have a real concern though that my email address shows up straight away now, you don’t even have to look for it. Is there a way to change that please?it uses my real name so it destroys any anonymity that we try and set up.
Sotired42
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greekdude
Dear @Sotired no email addresses are shown via this site.
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Sotired
Ok, cause when I pulled up my profile it was right there, in a box beside my info .providing it’s just me that sees that, sweet as.
Sotired42
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Foodsupport_AUS
Sotired sorry to hear that your D has found your posts. Greekdude is quite right, you can see your own email address when logged in but not anyone else's. Your choices for now are to just switch your name and your posts will switch names as well. Alternately you delete any posts or threads you would rather not have up. Another alternate is to rejoin under another username. I can understand you troubled you are by all this. It is great that you got to enjoy your trip. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Kali

Hi Sotired,

Perhaps your daughter will understand a bit more about your pain and how you suffered as you tried to help her. You fought a tough battle and did everything in your power to get her help.

Am so glad you had some time off and enjoyed your visit to San Francisco. 

warmly,

Kali

 

Food=Love
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Enn
Sotired, I am sorry d found you out, as they say. But I don't think it is a bad thing. She is an adult and it may help her, I don't know, to know how awful this has been for not just her but for her family. We , well I , went through a lot with my oldest d (non ED) and that has hurt me more than ED. ( I know sounds weird but it is what it is and I suffer more PTSD from  that than ED to be blunt). Only now (5 yrs later) that  non ED recognizes even a bit how hard it was for me and so when I say things to her she seems to understand a bit better. 
I truly get it when you state how unsafe you would feel getting back in contact with her.  I feel the same with non ED d at times. 
Please use some of the suggestions FoodSupport mentions for anonymity. The mods can help with any of that as well. Just let us know.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
Sotired wrote:
Greekdude,
I am in NZ and there are limited options here.i have been right in the furnace of he*lwith d, we are part of the unlucky 30% for whom FBT didn’t work.she has tried all the available therapy I could find at the time. She also appears to have munchausens as she makes up stuff and makes herself ill.
if anyone here has experience with deep brain stimulation, please do chime in- as far as I’m aware it’s not offered in NZ but I am a couple of years past knowing what new treatments might be on offer here.

Valentina, thanks for confirming what I thought. I do have a real concern though that my email address shows up straight away now, you don’t even have to look for it. Is there a way to change that please?it uses my real name so it destroys any anonymity that we try and set up.


We all would understand if you decide to change your name here and delete your posts. But we hope you will come back in that case. 🙂

Have you seen the EMDR posts from teecee here? Her d had unbelievable progress with that. Maybe you already tried that option. I had never heard of it before. I try to convince a long term ED patient that is my friend to try it at the moment.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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melstevUK
SoTired,

I am really glad that your US trip was so enjoyable. As a family you really needed some quality time together. 
I think it must have been horrendous to be accused of Munchausen by Proxy when you were fighting so hard all that time and with such intensity .
I do not blame you for not wanting to see your d. In your shoes, however, I would not give a damn if your d reads all the posts and I certainly would not change my user name for her. You have nothing to hide and maybe reading all your posts would lead her to having some compassion. Personally I would make her wait a month but then meet her for a coffee and nothing more so you can assess how she is and where she is at. 
If her presence is still blaming and toxic you can walk away but maybe there is a tiny bit of light showing which indicates she is starting to change. 
I look at it as being a small miracle that she is still alive. She will have to choose at some point a life of invalidity or a more interesting and useful life. I think you can point her in that direction as the way she needs to go while contributing nothing on any level, particularly not emotionally. You have to think of yourself and enjoy your life while you still have it   She still has many choices on what her future could be. Maybe point they out and leave it at that .
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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Torie
Hi SoTired, thanks for the update.  Glad you enjoyed your trip.  The US is, as you say, many different things, some of them contradictory.

Sorry your d found your posts.  It is kind of like an anonymous journal, I guess, that is no longer anonymous to all.  Sucks, sort of, but as others have said, perhaps there is a silver lining to that.

Note to SoTired's d:  I hope you find your way to a life worth living.  I also hope you have some small sense of how amazing your mum is. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Sotired

It is what it is.i went to the kiwi farms and reddit websites.theyve gone right through my time here.i guess they’re right, I should’ve been more aware but I was brand new to the internet then.i was just trying to find support, not thinking anyone outside of atdt would give a damn about what was going on in my world.
welp, you live and learn. But with rare exceptions they were very kind about what d put everyone through. I’d change my details but by now they’ve written out most of what I shared here so that ship has sailed.
im doing well though. D tried to reconnect with me as I wrote here and I thought about it and decided against it- and low and behold she too ‘changed her mind’ and decided she didn’t even want contact with me anyway🙄.
h went and visited her and then I had to spend time after explaining why she had called him and what she had wanted( his back up in self discharging against medical advice). I reminded him that every single thing he does as a parent will be scrutinised by her caregivers and so he needs to always make sure he does the right thing- even if it makes her hate him.
middle d and her boyfriend visited tonight, it was lovely to see them. She raided our fridge lol, it’s weird that that makes me happy and only you guys would get why.small boy is doing ok, the doctor is happy as we’ve kept his weight up even with the Ritalin.
im pretty immersed in the world of dogs- I have three puppy fosters at the moment and it’s chaos - my poor garden- but it’s a happy chaos.two are adopted and I have one left- his prospective adopter fell through but I think he’ll be ok and we’ll get him a new home.my own dogs and cats give me so much joy- and that’s where my life is now- I have absolute moments of joy again.its such a gift.
so for those of us who face an uncertain future with our kids- there is hope FOR US.
if we have done all we can we have to start finding ourselves again. I’ve got dog fun days, dog charity events to attend.im loving my gym classes.im loving the fact I can reduce my anti depressants, I hope to come off them , at least for a while.
you guys have been there for me in my darkest days and I always have appreciated it.youve given me so much support.i hope I’ve done ok by you like you have me.
to the reddit chick who knows me irl...I hope things are going well for you.

Sotired42
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Enn
Sotired42,
Unless some has been in your shoes and lived with what you have, or what anyone has, no one can know the truth or the "right answer". Your truth is yours and is valid and important. 
I am so glad you are enjoying your animals. They are my joys too. If I was near you, I would have loved to see the fosters as I am thinking of getting a dog myself (we have cats). ED d says I promised her one last yr... well I did. 😊 So I need to figure that one out.

Sending a big hug!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
Sotired wrote:
middle d and her boyfriend visited tonight, it was lovely to see them. She raided our fridge lol, it’s weird that that makes me happy and only you guys would get why.small boy is doing ok, the doctor is happy as we’ve kept his weight up even with the Ritalin.


So glad to hear that. It is so great to see them doing normal things and hey, rained the fridge!!! Great! I am also pleased to hear that small boy is doing so well. A bit of normality so deserved...

Sotired wrote:
im pretty immersed in the world of dogs- I have three puppy fosters at the moment and it’s chaos - my poor garden- but it’s a happy chaos.two are adopted and I have one left- his prospective adopter fell through but I think he’ll be ok and we’ll get him a new home.my own dogs and cats give me so much joy- and that’s where my life is now- I have absolute moments of joy again.its such a gift.
so for those of us who face an uncertain future with our kids- there is hope FOR US.
if we have done all we can we have to start finding ourselves again. I’ve got dog fun days, dog charity events to attend.im loving my gym classes.im loving the fact I can reduce my anti depressants, I hope to come off them , at least for a while.
you guys have been there for me in my darkest days and I always have appreciated it.youve given me so much support.i hope I’ve done ok by you like you have me.
to the reddit chick who knows me irl...I hope things are going well for you.


These puppys sound so funny, I am sad that I cannot see what they are doing with your garden! My Hubby here would probably die by a heart attack I suppose...
It is great that there are things that give you fun and distraction. Back to life!


Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Nice of you to foster the pups.  It's about time for me to get a new dog, too.  Thanks for the update - glad things are going well enough. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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melstevUK
I am just glad that you are doing well and have moments of joy now SoTired. Because you really deserve them. Animals bring such a huge amount of pleasure, I cannot ever imagine not having a dog or a cat in my life.  We also understand the pleasure of seeing a fridge bring raided! 
Big hugs. You have been through so much. And have come out the other side. Well done for holding it all together. 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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Sotired

Thanks everyone.two out of three of the pups went off to their new homes yesterday..so guess who ended up with the remaining pup in her bed lol. 

it’s been a hard journey.a journey that my h and d want to continue, but I don’t.ive done my best by all my kids and I’m still working through small boys stuff, but I’m content finally that I did everything I could do for d during her anorexia,bulimia, mythical gastroparesis and with the resources available in NZ I tried everything to get her help. I didn’t always get it right, but that’s ok too.im ok with just being a normal,flawed human.
maybe anyone reading this who feels like they failed- and we all know I’ve struggled with that a lot here- can find some peace in what I’ve written. That it’s ok to do your best- and then let go.the therapy we did to save our marriage was very helpful for that, to see I wasn’t to blame for feeling the way I did. That I had given everything I could and now I want some time for me.even if it cost me, I’ve decided that I’m going to live my best life...which as I was scooping poop for twenty minutes yesterday I had to wonder how I figured this was my best life lol.
theres probably some residual guilt floating in me somewhere, but I’m catholic so guilts part of the deal😁.
its nice to feel like my life is worth living again.

Sotired42
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deenl
Glad to hear that you have some peace in your life. Had to laugh at your thoughts while cleaning poop 😁 and glad that you have been able to deal with the difficulties the whole situation caused in your marriage.

Wishing you all the best 

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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