F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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yellowcaty
Hi
I know many of you know our story and how we are still struggling. I have been reluctant to post this morning as I don’t want others to be disheartened, but I am in need of support.

Last night on leave my D tried to drink nail varnish remover. Luckily she only managed a small amount that she spat it out and then came to find me. I am hoping it was a cry for help rather than a suicide attempt. She has had suicidal thoughts before, but never acted upon them. She did buy the remover on the way home last night, so there may have been some planning, but I might be reading too much in to that.

I had a seizure on Tuesday which could have been a trigger. Part of her anxiety is around blaming herself for things that happen to others. She also had school today which she gets anxious about as she is repeating Y12 and therefore isn’t with her friends. Coupled with all this is the stress about potentially moving to another unit.

We took her back to the unit at 3 this morning and we have had regular updates from them. They are carrying out lots of tests today to make sure that she had no physical side effects.

I really need some hope at the moment. Xxx
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yellowcaty
Hi Oct18

I’m not sure which causes the biggest anxiety. She often won’t talk to the nurses in IP either, although recently she has been getting better at this.

She is potentially moving units because although she is WR she still has lots of anxiety. There are lots of issues that need to be addressed and her unit don’t feel like they have enough time. They want to make sure that she had long term consistent therapy and don’t want to cause her more harm by beginning to work through things and she then needs to change therapist. She has already been there for 6 months and turns 18 in March. They are trying to move her to an adult unit that take from 17 that is only about 15 mins from home. If she is an inpatient there she then has access to the outpatient services. This will mean that she has the same therapist. Unfortunately we live in a different county by about 4 houses so she won’t qualify if they don’t do this. The unit she is in at the moment are very good and are trying their best to get her the support she needs.

Xx
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Kali
Dear Yellowcaty,

I found the suicidality to be the most distressing symptom of the disorder. Hopefully her unit is going to help her with this and it is just a cry for help. It is great that she came and found you and told you. 

Moving forward, can you, if possible, accompany her home from the unit to make sure she does not purchase anything on the way, and hide all sharps, pills, cleaning materials, etc—anything which can be harmful if ingested at home—in a locked place while she is visiting? It is depressing and horrifying to have to do that, but can help keep her safe. My d. also had the urge to harm herself and did so when she was newly weight restored and I think that was a very low point for me.

Please take care of your own health. The stress of it all can exacerbate any health problems you already have. Is there some way you can lessen your own stress—yoga, meditation, or medication, having someone clean your house, or doing something kind for yourself?

warmly,

Kali
 
Food=Love
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yellowcaty
Thanks Kali

It is strange how the thoughts have come when she is WR.
Unfortunately I was there when she bought it. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. From now on I will definitely checking and hiding everything.
I have just spoken with her and she seems more settled now. The only reason she gave was that it is all too much. It is so heartbreaking to see that her life has changed so much in the last year. I still hate seeing happy girls walking around. I know that is so awful, but I always think why did it have to be my D. Of course I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but sometimes I can’t help those feelings.
Sending lots of love to all out there
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Nicstar4
Yellowcaty, I hope you are ok too. It must have been such a distressing thing for you to experience, and scary. There is so much going on, possibly changing units, being in a different school cohort to name but two. Is anyone talking through the changes? I hope you are able to get support from the unit too.
Take care x
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yellowcaty
Thanks Nicstar4
It was very distressing. I think I just went into overdrive and then thought about it afterwards. The unit are very supportive for my D and us as a family, which is good. The last month or so has been so unsettling for her. Various decisions have been made and then changed. A week on Wednesday is her CPA and then the final decision will be made.
I have to keep going for her. It has been such a battle and I rarely get time for myself. With work and 3 other children it is hard. I have two really good friends (one a colleague) who keep me going through the bad times. Without them I’m not sure what I would do.
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Kali
Yellowcaty,

Glad she is feeling a little more settled now. Hang in there. The last time I'm aware of self harm or suicidal urges in my d. was a full 7 months after WR. And there may have been more that I am just not aware of. Her google searches included things like: "How to kill yourself by drinking bleach". Truly terrifying and a wave of shock ran through me when i read that one.

I know that feeling well about being jealous of other happy healthy young girls. I do hope things will get better for her. Bringing it to the surface and working on it with her team and her letting you know it is a problem is a very important step.

warmly,
Kali


 


Food=Love
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Nicstar4
Oh that is so hard. I am juggling 3 other kids too, luckily eldest has gone to uni. And work, some days I just can’t concentrate, but other days welcome relief! Hang in there. I don’t really know how you are juggling it all, and with the drama of being in a different country by 4 houses is bureaucratic b******t. Plus the drama of suddenly moving to adult services! However, it is good to hear the team are trying to find the best solution.
Are you getting good healthcare and did they get to the bottom of the seizure?
Take care
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yellowcaty
Hi Nickstar4
I suffer from epilepsy. I had my first seizure 2 and a half years ago and soon after that is when looking back the first ED signs were there. This may have been a coincidence but it does fit with her idea that she is responsible for things happening to others. I haven’t had a seizure for 12 months and I was just about to get my driving licence back. Not having one doesn’t help as I can’t get around easily. I keep thinking that we will get a break soon, but I also know there are people worse off on here.

It is hard juggling the others isn’t it. I don’t know what I should tell my others about last night. They obviously know that we took her back.

Thanks for the support
Xx
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Nicstar4
How old are they? What do you feel they could handle? Do they support each other?
Ultimately, they know something was difficult. Maybe you should ask what they think was difficult, and go from there.
I like to think of me and my kids as a unit and where appropriate we share with the others so we can support and look out for each other. I am the one responsible and they can or not as they feel they can manage, chip in and help. I oversee if they are taking on too much or sometimes need to step up, even practical things like empty bins etc.
Had to tell 12 yr old s to stop and give a little thought to sisters upset about no sport decision, her love, as he was being obnoxious!! He reeled behaviour back and mood eased until the next drama...
Tell them what you think is right, a lot is age depending and what you are used to sharing as a family.
Good luck x
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yellowcaty
They are 10, 14 and 16. My D is 17 so the oldest. I think my 16 year old D would rather know, but I’m not sure about the boys. It is hard to tell how they are processing it all. If we don’t tell them then visiting tomorrow will be tricky and they may pick up on things. It is so hard making sure they all get time and support and not let everything revolve around my D.
Xx
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Nicstar4
Maybe tell them that she had a hard night is all they need to know right now. It is traumatic enough for an adult. I also go to the other end sometimes, where I want it protect them from the hard stuff. Often we have a duh moment when they tell me they knew, or something obvious happened and I thought it was not obvious etc! I think they need to know it was difficult thought so they can confirm the tension that may have picked up.
Hope the day eases up, my night is late, let us know the updates, good luck x
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Torie
I'm so sorry.  And glad she is in a safe place now.

It seems that the time around weight restoration can be the hardest for them.  I think their brains create extra receptors (for seratonins?) since malnutrition creates a shortage of neurotransmitters.  And then when they are again able to synthesize seratonins properly, their brain is effectively flooded with them.  I know that doesn't make today any easier, but hopefully it gives some hope for tomorrow.

Also sorry about the seizure / drivers license.  Good grief, as though you didn't have enough already.

Please remember that we're with you in spirit. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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sk8r31
Sending you a big cyber-hug, and all best wishes for strength as you navigate this challenging time.  So good that your d alerted you to what had happened.

It's so much easier said than done, but taking a few moments for yourself each day is so important.  Recharging your batteries for a few minutes daily is essential to being able to manage for the long haul.  I'm so glad that you have work colleagues who can help with your mood, and provide some distraction at times.

Please forgive the repetition if it has already been suggested, but Eva Musby has some lovely meditations for carers, and the Calm app is a great one for providing a bit of ease during a difficult time.

Thinking of you with much warmth & support,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Ronson
I’m so sorry to hear this - thinking of you x
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scaredmom
Oh yellowcaty, 
I am so sorry all this has happened. I am so sorry you had a seizure and hope you are resting. I know that exhaustion (lack of sleep, stress) can decrease the seizure threshold and can bring on seizures too, so I hope you are taking time for self care even if it for one hour every few days. ED is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure. 
I am glad that the unit has been good to all of you. 
You don't need anymore of this, you need a break and hope that is coming very soon.
All the best,
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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yellowcaty
Thank all for your kind words and support.

I phoned the unit and they said that she has been quite settled but very sleepy today. She has managed to speak to a couple of the staff. Her key nurse was surprised as she had seemed really positive on Thursday afternoon. I just think that she got overwhelmed in the night. I know myself that things always feel worse in the middle of the night.

When I spoke to my D she was very upset and said that she just wants to come home. I tried to tell her that after last night that is not possible. She really struggles with talking and said there is no point as nothing changes.

I’m going to try some of the meditations later. I definitely think I need to learn how to relax. I’m even considering seeing if the doctor can give me something to help me cope.

Xx
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deenl
Hi yellowcatty,

I'm so sorry for the trauma and for your own health issues.

My eldest son at 14 heard his 12 y/o brother burst out that he wanted to die and how he was going to do it. Seeing the shock on his face is something I don't think I will ever forget; they are very close. BUT he has absolutely no trauma surrounding it. I think some of this is because of his own quite laid back character but also because I talked to him about it and confidently said that me and his dad were on it. We had this. (Fake it until you make it!) And he and littlest brother, then 8 trusted that we would find a way even though we were all in a state with the upset and stress. I kept repeating that this was a very difficult period (giving the impression of it coming to an end) and all that we were feeling was hellish but normal.

I needed medication to help with anxiety. Wondered why I hadn't done it earlier!

Wishing you continued strength and courage and sending you a big hug,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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mjkz
I'm so glad she is safe.  Three-three and a half years ago, my daughter overdosed on Tylenol-twice.  She nearly died both times and I was getting ready to donate the smaller lobe of my liver to her to keep her alive until her own regenerated enough to keep her alive.  She was being jerked around by a therapist who really fell flat on her face.  The therapist knew my daughter was suicidal and did nothing-went on a month long vacation and told no one she was suicidal.  The second OD was with that therapist's Tylenol when she went to see my daughter in the hospital to tell her she wouldn't be treating her anymore (really, you think??!).  I did not think she would survive.  She begged me to let her die and keeping her alive took a full around the clock surveillance team and even then it was iffy.

Now she is out there living life and is glad she failed.  She got hooked up with a therapist who was much better equipped to deal with her issues and who treated her like the adult she is.  She went from wanting to die all the time to slowly seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  She knew I wasn't going to give up on her and this new therapist really made all the difference.  It wasn't a sudden transformation but slowly but surely my daughter recovered.  I even got to keep my liver-how we have no clue because her second OD was when she was already in liver failure.  It was the worst time of my life and I never thought I'd see a day when she was as happy and healthy as she is.

As long as there is life, there is always hope.  There are times we have to carry that hope for our loved ones until he/she can feel it again but there is always hope.  You will get through this and several years down the line, you'll be the one writing this email to another parent in the same situation.

Make sure you've got support too.  I have a really good friend from here who talked me down on a daily, sometimes twice or three time daily basis during that time.  When I couldn't see hope, she was there for me.  I wouldn't have survived without her and the support of my own friends too.
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OneToughMomma
Dear yellowcaty,

I'm so sorry: this is just an awful illness.  Does it help to know that we've been there, too?

My d, too, hit a bump in the road when I had an ovarian cyst burst.  She's the one who found me in the bathroom in the middle of the night.  She went downhill after that.  Later on she was suicidal, though we never got as close as your d.  She doesn't remember being suicidal or hoarding medications.  I take some comfort in knowing that.

And medication helped me, too.  I realised it was time when I was weeping through my morning routine.

Things have gotten better.  D's just finished her thesis for her degree.  I know your d can get better, too.  

Sending a big cyber hug and wishing we could share your drink of choice.

xoOTM


D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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yellowcaty
Thank you all for sharing your stories. At the time you think that you are the only one in the world going through it. It is as though everything around you stops.

mjkz. - your story is so heartbreaking but it does give me hope. I can not imagine what you must have gone through. I know we would all give anything to have our children well, but to be faced with the need to give her part of your liver must have been truly terrifying. I am so glad that she is doing well now.

Deenl- when I told my 16 D last night you could see the horror on her face. She obviously could not comprehend why she would even try to do something like that. We did have a chat after and I think it has made her realise what her sister is going through.

OneToughMomma- it definitely is good to know the stories of others. I wish that none of us have to go through this, but at least people here understand. Most other people seem to think it is something they will/ should get over. It is not their fault as they just don’t understand and unfortunately still hold old fashioned views about AN. I definitely do need to start looking after myself. Not only is it causing my D more stress but also I’m not able to be as strong as I need to be.

I have two friends I can really trust. One knows very little about AN but has learnt along with me. She shows me real compassion and said yesterday that when I get through this I will be able to do anything. My other most dearest friend I met on here. We have never seen each other face to face, but she has been my saviour. She has been by my side every step of the way and her wisdom and support have dragged me through this. She knows who she is and I know we will be life long friends. For anyone out there who is feeling lost and alone, please reach out for support, it is amazing what you get back. My mission is to one day be able to help others on this forum and give something back.

Yellowcaty
Xx

P.S my favourite drink is wine or pink gin!
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yellowcaty
I’ve just done my first meditation. It felt a bit weird but Eva’s voice is so calming. I’m trying to chill out and have decided to go to the doctors to see if they can prescribe anything to help. I’ve also decided to have the next week off work. I think I am going to need an energy charge to get through the next few weeks.

To add to the stress the car has now decided to start making a very strange noise. I think it is protesting to the round trips to the unit, sometimes 4 times in a week. 😟

Can anyone recommend any meditation/ calming apps?

Xxx
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scaredmom

Hi yellowcaty, 
It does take a while to "learn" how to meditate, or maybe it "unlearning" what we normally would feel. It takes practice as any new skill, I would think. I think going to the doctor is a good idea as well as taking time off. You really need a break from the stress, at the moment.
So sorry about the car.They are a necessity, but such a bother when they act up.
I found this link: 
https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/10-calming-apps-destress-clear-mind/

I have yet to try meditation but had tried Eva's as recommended here last year while in the throes of re-feeding. It was really good, and so you have reminded me to try again.  Thanks!
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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yellowcaty
Thanks both
I have downloaded the calm app and will try it for the free 7 days. It does seem to have good reviews, but want to try it before I pay out.

I have also bought the ones from Eva, they were only £2.99 so good value.

Hopefully I will get into it. I have really been trying to avoid tablets, but I just need something extra at the moment. Even wine isn’t helping!

Hope you are having a good weekend
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Nicstar4
Hope that the week off helps yellowcaty. I have yet to take off a week, trying to save my annual leave until Xmas. I have taken a day here and there and slept a lot of the day. And woke from the naps tired to the core of my body. It reminds me to slow down where I can in other areas and that I need to stop where I can. I am trying to get back to the gym, but really don’t have enough time, which means I don’t feel as bodily able as I was.
It is maddening about the car, the hassle of even trying to do those things in is so much more exhausting! I hope it is a small glitch.
The meditation takes practice and even just ‘watching’ your breathing for a few minutes can help. Also, those colouring books are quite good. You might need to start with raising arms up and down in time with your breath helpful as a meditation practice, or staring at a candle flame. When We are so busy, these types of meditation are a bit easier to do, than just stopping to sit. I teach yoga, but of course am better suggesting possible things to do than actually do them myself. Everything has slipped with managing this disease!
Do go to the dr, I think together you will be able to assess what helps, and what you need right now. Meds do not have to be forever if you do not need them forever. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself well!
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