F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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So I've changed my attitude. My d aaidto me last week that my constant pestering to re take year 10 was making things hard. She said "I have no faith in myself so you saying that too is really hard"
I had a light bulb moment. 
I really think I'm making things worse by panicking all the time. 
So I'm now relaxing and if she misses a snack not great but move on. 
She's really good at my house so we rarely have issues and as long as I make her a good evening meal I know she's got the calories. 

After discussion. With her and camhs we've agreed on honesty as I think sneaking stuff into food can be counter productive. Short term gain. 
My daughter said the constant worry of sneaking bits in just raises her anxiety levels. I want her to trust me and come to me for reassurance so being honest is important. 

I've also stopped being heavy handed... Nothing worse when your already upset and anxious than someone saying "eat eat"

So what's happened with the new aplroach:
She's gained a little weight. 0.9% but we've had no arguments and a lovely peaceful week where she has spoken openly to me.
We have got her a tutor and I'm gonna be a study buddy and set her work and help her with her courses. 

She did mocks recently and got c grades and a b. Not bad for 6 months out of school. 

What I've learned is my d is going to have anorexia for a long time and I want to work with her, encouraging her and having a life too.

I can't fix everything and that's OK. 
As long as she doesn't nose dive weight wise I'm OK with that. 

You probably all think I'm nuts but for now it's working and that's all I can hope for 
You are not nuts, Pingu, we all need to find out what is working in OUR family and if that is the way to make her gain and start brain recovery and show ED the front door that is totally o.k. Please keep us updated as this might work in other families too!
Do you already have ideas how to increase meals and snacks when more food is needed? Is she compliant with gaining weight?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I think it's wise for each parent and family to find the best way forward.  And it involves 'feedback not failure'.  So I support you working as you see fit to help your d  towards health and recovery.  
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
It sounds like you have found out what is working for you. That is fabulous, and great that you have made steps forward in the last few weeks. Seeing weight gain alongside some calmness makes it seem like things are heading in the right direction. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.

I sense a very positive shift. We all find our ways, through the trial and tribulations of this illness. 

I am pleased that you have found a way that is less stressful for you both!


When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Hi Pingu,

This sounds wise...one of the things we did was to try reintegrate our d. into her life after leaving treatment...with the hope that creating a life worth living would become more important than the eating disorder. All while keeping an eye on her weight and what she was eating and making sure it was enough, which is what you are doing. Although the discussion with the therapist and her about "sneaking" calories should tip you off that the ED is still very much present and trying to negotiate for you to not put high calorie ingredients into her meals. 

What I've learned is my d is going to have anorexia for a long time and I want to work with her, encouraging her and having a life too.


What I've learned changing my approach and talking to her is that she has a genuine terror of food. As she says if I were scared of heights I could choose to avoid them whereas she has to face her worst fear multiple times a day. I realised that when I was being really firm and saying eat eat it that what I was doing was Increasi g the stress and anxiety. What I did on Friday when she was I tears was just to gently remind her she has to keep her weight up to stay in school. She managed the meal with some cuddles and reassurance. 

I've also realised not to spring things on her. She's really anxious so I try and give advanced warning of thi gs that we will do so she can get used to the idea. She's generally fine then. 
Well done. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. I struggle sometimes to be gentle enough. You have inspired me to do better with this today. Thanks
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
Wonderful parenting Pingu. This is exactly the sort of responsive support that family led treatment should lead to - finding techniques that work best with the particular combo of kid and parent. We, too, ended up using a calmer and softer approach with our son.

Wishing you continued success,

2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.

You are doing amazingly well!

You have found a way to help her and that is what this is all about! Wonderful! Very positive! 
We had to give my d advanced warnings too, to help her get used to an idea, like a new fear food. Over and over again, I see here, there are so many different ways and it is our job as parents to figure out OUR unique way forward! 
Great job!

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
I’m so pleased for you Pingu 😊
you and your daughter deserve a stress free life. Sounds like you are making huge strides forward !
Glad you've found some calm and progress pingu. 
Currently no light; only tunnel 🙁