F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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kas_US
It has been forever since I have been on the forum. My personal life fell apart in 2014 and 2015...as if anorexia wasn't enough. I got really sick in 2014, and then my husband decided he didn't really want to be married to me or have the responsibilities of parenting anymore in 2015. It's been fun.

So, here we are in 2016. My girl is 18 now and doing OK. Not great, but ok. She had a down turn in weight last year during all of the stress of my husband wigging out, but she is stable now. Although I wish her weight were higher, there is nothing I can do at this point. She is extremely resistant to me "pushing" food in any way. And, in all honesty, after everything that has gone on, I just don't have it in me anymore.

So now we have a boyfriend on the scene, and I am wondering how to handle it. He is a really good guy. He is a few years older than her, and they are pretty serious and have handled the relationship very maturely so far. Interestingly, he recovered from aspergers and severe adhd when he was a kid so he gets the whole brain disorder thing. She knows she has to tell him, and, in fact, the friends that introduced them know about her AN and are encouraging (pressuring) her to tell him. She is open to me talking to him about it after she tells him, but I am just wondering how much to tell. I mean, really, on the one hand I feel like I should really tell him what he is walking into, but on the other hand, who in their right mind would walk into AN if they know what it is really like???

Has anyone else out there successfully navigated this phase?
Weight restored/Phase II
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Psycho_Mom
Hi,

We are muddling about in this situation, too. My d has a new but seemingly serious bf, and although she has never told any peer about ed, she told him! I was extremely proud of her because it was difficult for her but she did it. However I have no idea what she said to him nor how much he really knows. Nor if he has a clue how he can help or hinder her, or if he understands the whole need-to-eat-every-four-hours thing.

My d is NOT open to me talking to him, which is OK at this point I guess. But I think if I were to, (and I may push for this in future) I would give him information about the illness in general, but leave anything in particular about my d's experience out of it, leave it for her to tell him that. And then encourage him to ask questions, of d or of me--but not to search out info on the internet as it is completely unreliable! I think in that way it would be most respectful and least threatening to d.

"I mean, really, on the one hand I feel like I should really tell him what he is walking into, but on the other hand, who in their right mind would walk into AN if they know what it is really like?"

No one, of course, and that is why it would be useful for him to know how to help keep her well, or help get her more well. Just saying "I'm hungry, let's get a snack" every three hours or so is very useful, and completely doable for a normal young man, I think! 

On the other hand, stuff like "she used to scream and swear and hit me" I kind of equate with vomiting--it's an involuntary response that no one really needs to know the details of. If you are allergic to crab and accidentally eat some and vomit all over everything, well, your bf needs to know you're allergic to crab, and he may need to know you're really, REALLY allergic to crab, but he doens't need to know what color the vomit is or how fast it spewed.

Lovely comparison, eh?

Did that help at all?

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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Sotired
Ummm,just a quick note re boyfriend-it is impossible to recover from Aspergers.it is something you are born with,just like an arm or a leg.so he still has it,will always do which means his brain functions by logic first,emotions second.unless he has had lots of work done around managing emotions he may also have some emotional dysregulation.that is not to say anything against him at all,just stating a fact of life with autism.my boy is amazing but you manage autism,you don't fix it.
Sotired42
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kas_US
Sotired, i don't want to start a debate about biomedical interventions for autism/aspergers, but there are definitely different schools of thought. Because we have a local doctor that was one of the pioneers in biomedical interventions, I have personally known several kids who have recovered. Unfortunately, not everyone responds to treatments, but many do. While I didn't know this young man when he was young, people who did describe the transformation as amazing. I can assure you, he is quite tender hearted and readily shows emotion, and you would never know he had been dx'd with aspergers.

Psycho mom, your analogy makes the point perfectly! And helps quite a bit. I tend to vomit the history of what we went through when I get started so I appreciate the caution!
Weight restored/Phase II
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Sotired
Umm,my son is also tender hearted and readily shows emotion.he still has asd.he always will.asd is not one size fits all,it is a spectrum disorder.but we do all have different beliefs,particularly those of us who live within the autism community every day.if that is your belief then peace be with you.
Sotired42
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Torie
You know how the uninitiated often think we can cure our AN-kids just by giving them a sandwich? Maybe there's an upside to that here, and the new BF won't be as put-off by learning about the AN as one might think. Here's hoping. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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kas_US
Torie wrote:
You know how the uninitiated often think we can cure our AN-kids just by giving them a sandwich? Maybe there's an upside to that here, and the new BF won't be as put-off by learning about the AN as one might think. Here's hoping. xx

-Torie


That was my only point in mentioning his aspergers in the first place. He describes it as having been "physically painful to be in the same room with more than a couple of people" because of the sensory overstimulation. So, I thought it seemed like he might be uniquely capable of understanding a tiny bit of what she went through. Anyway, I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone.
Weight restored/Phase II
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kas_US
My d just texted me, and said she told the bf about her eating disorder. She said the discussion went great, and she is really happy that she told him. I am super proud of her for being able to open up about it.
Weight restored/Phase II
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