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grumpylostlittleboy
So about 6 weeks ago our psychologist recommended to try something radical: cancel the contract & let your son feed himself. His selective mutism was getting so severe it was expanding to more people. He was well and above weight restored at 77 kilos, so we thought we had a good buffer. Desperate to try anything we consented. First week he lost a kilo. We tried getting some more input in plating, but he resisted vehemently. Returning habits showed the green monster had clearly never ever gotten less. He subsequently lost 6 more kilos. They just flew off. We didn't know how much he was losing as the psychologist was downplaying the loss in favour of the experiment. Somehow he consented to seeing a nutritionist (EDspecialised), and we are slowly regaining the lost weight, but it's messy. Some meals he plates, most meals I prepare . His mood never improved through all this. Mutism stayed. And he's growing.

So this is where we are...it feels like pre phase one. Some control, and it feels we are just waiting until he is medically unstable? The menu plan from the nutritionist is8/10 of what I used to give him. It feels like we are enabling ED. The psychologist is now recommending psychiatric intervention again and to consider meds. FBT will also not work anymore. He's incredibly angry (hence the mutism). At 13 he also stands 1.77 cm, which makes it physically very hard for me to control him.

And of course...He doesn't think there is an issue. His weight is still WR, but approaching the danger zone. His mood is ok. Even sings to himself sometimes. Reckons his relationship with us is fine & that not talking to his sister for over a year is normal. They used to be so close.
How does anyone get out of this messy stage?

My living questions ...

Boys with anorexia seem to exhibit a few other aspects I can't seem to find answers for (developmental anxiety...helping boys become men; individuating while anorexic;ways of destressing (mindfulness for males ; managing control; communication style; ) and there is even less research on their treatment .
I'm also incredibly fearful of exploring anti anxiety drugs. What is people's experience here? Can kids recover without them? what of side effects?

What to do?

We are very lost at the moment. Rollercoaster ride is going downhill at the moment, and I can't find the brake.[frown]


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OneToughMomma
Dear gllb,

Bless you, things seem really tough for you right now. It's really not fair. I'm not sure I have the answers, but I want you to know you've been heard, and offer a few thoughts.

Regarding medication, I imagine not one of us came into this ED journey thinking, 'Medication for kids is cool.  I'd be into that.'  However, I know for a fact that many of us have gotten to a point where we were willing to try anything to help our kids get better.  And many of us did find medication to be helpful.  As parents I feel it is our responsibility to explore all options in this quest for health.  Of course we don't know your s and we're not doctors, but maybe it's something you could look into.

We, especially my h, felt strongly against drugs for our d.  However, she did end up medicated and I think it helped.  Ultimately, as a YA, she has experimented and decided that she needs medication, at least for the next little while.  And that's a bit sad but so much better than her struggling through life right now.

And I'd like to re-frame your analogy.  Rather than a roller coaster (I know that's what it feels like!), think of yourself driving a bus.  Your s, the rest of the family, and  the professionals are on the bus with you.  You are at the wheel and they are behind you.  They are telling you how you should drive and where you should go.  Some of them know what they are talking about and some have no idea.  But it's your bus.  Sit down with your co-pilot, your most trusted person, and decide where you want to go and how you can best get there.  Then kick everyone who is not helping off your damn bus.

I seem to remember you are in Australia like me.  It wasn't easy (or cheap), but we were able to choose our team.  We fired about half of the existing team, and it was hard--our GP had seen our kids grow up.  We recruited new members and very clearly told them their job.  And to their credit, they played by our rules.  And that's when d started her true recovery.

You say FBT won't work anymore, and I do believe you.  FBT isn't for everyone, and you know your s best.  However, don't eliminate all FBT's because the manualised version won't work for s.  I mean, it's possible for a good therapist to adapt and suit the needs of a client.  Our FBT had to make adjustments for our d because she posed him a few unique challenges.   We had a private meeting first without d, to see if we would be a good fit.

Remember to take care of yourself, because the bus goes nowhere if you can't drive.  And you d, because she's along for the ride whether she likes it or not. 

Sending a really big cyber hug.

xoOTM



 
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Psycho_Mom
Hi,

So sorry for this terrible-ness you and all your family are enduring.

We have a saying here: feedback not failure.

So, what have you learned from this experience? Number one, I'd think is that your psychologist is a dangerous uninformed irresponsible idiot and/or much worse...I could go on and on with a lot of language that would get this post deleted..... An experiment is certainly not necessarily a bad thing at all. (Although this experiment? Hmmmm let's see what happens when someone with active anorexia gets to serve all their own meals an rapidly lose weight? duh......) But it needs to be controlled in a reasonable manner. To notice an immediate kilo loss, and NOT TO INFORM THE PARENTS?????? And then further, to continue the experiment???????? to the detriment of the patient??>????

That, to me, is the sign of an absolutely irresponsible practitioner whom I wouldn't trust with my goldfish.

I'd fire that a-hole and I am not effing kidding.

(Wow, I'm mad! Sorry.)

Now you, on the other hand, sound like you know what to do and have done it before. Your child needs more food. And you, since you are doing the feeding, are the most reasonable person to plan the menus and you need to know the weight. It of course doens't make any sense at all to feed a growing young man less than he was previously eating. 

Sigh. I'm sorry I don't remember the specifics of all you've gone through. What is preventing you from purchasing a high-quality scale, firing everyone who has shown to be unhelpful, and feeding your son what you know he needs?

Why are you fearful of exploring anti-anxiety drugs? Is it because you don't trust the idiot psychologist? If so, would it be possible to either find someone who will KEEP THE PARENTS INFORMED OF LIFE-THREATENING COMPLICATIONS TO THEIR CHILD (any professional who doesn't understand lost weight as a life-threatening complication for someone with an ed, shouldn't be practicing. And that is my irate non-professional mom-opinion for the day.)  If you want to stay with this practitioner, perhaps you could have the psychologist only be in charge of medications, and say "thank you all the same but we will handle the meals." (In which case you probably don't want to fire him or her or call him an a-hole....but you could still think it.....)

If your son is still wr (questionable, since you say you feel like pre-phase 1) and yet exhibiting such extreme anger and other extreme symptoms, anti-anxiety medications could offer much-needed help to get his brain the balance it needs to function more normally. IT is true that it sometimes takes some time to figure out the right medication and dosage. Any RESPONSIBLE prescriber (I have doubts about yours) would start out on a very low dosage and work up slowly, and you would be asked to watch carefully for changes in behavior or mood or other side effects most commonly noted with the particular med. Many SSRI's have been around for years and extensively studied. (My d has taken fluoxetine for two years now, since wr, with no side effects whatsoever, except temporary depression at dosage changes.)

It seems like a way better experiment than trying out free-fall.

Apologies for my grumpiness! Take what helps here and leave the rest.

best wishes,





D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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EDAction
re: Anxiety

I attended a seminar at the Center for Balanced Living earlier this year.  One of the lead doctors stated that anxiety "explodes" as an ED sufferer reaches WR and explained the neurobiological basis.  I don't remember the details of the explanation, but I know it is in CBL's FED manual for families.  I looked back at my notes.  The doctor also said that it can take an average of 6 months to 1.5 years for that anxiety to go down.  He said that the best information doctors have now is that 70% of patients will see it reduced to pre-morbid levels.  20% will experience a reduction in the anxiety but not to pre-morbid levels.  For 10% the anxiety will never go down.  (And one can have anxiety that pre-existed the ED also.)  Again, I don't remember the details of the studies this information is based on, but I assume it is also in CBL's FED manual.


DD diagnosed with anorexia at 14; FBT at home with the help of psychologist and medical dr; 3+ years later and doing well (knock on wood)
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Torie
I was thinking pretty much what PsychoMom said. Especially the part about having help that's worse than no help at all. Yikes, what a dolt.

Also, hard to see how your s is still wr after losing so much weight. You're the one who knows him best of course, but from my vantage point it sounds like classic underweight ED symptoms.

Not sure why you say FBT won't work anymore. Maybe if you can find professional help that actually HELPS and supports you instead of undermining you, FBT would work again. 

Your s is lucky to have you. Hang in there. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Kali
Hi Grumpylittlelostboy

If your son was asked to feed himself and is losing weight then it is not yet appropriate for him to be doing that. We have been going a little back and forth on that since my d. is a YA. If she tries to eat a little on her own and loses weight then I step in and increase meal support. The end goal is for them to be able to eat independently however it does not help them to lose weight so support needs to be added again. 

Your son is only 13.
A typical non ed 13 year old would be able to:
portion their own food and pour their drinks (at meals which parents are providing)
take snacks independently
eat lunch at school.
take a simple breakfast in the morning (cereal, toast, instant oatmeal, etc)

They would not be doing more than that. What did the therapist mean when he said you son could feed himself? Prepare meals? Portion his own food at mealtimes?
Why not tighten up your meal support and then when things have gotten better see if he can start taking some snacks himself under supervision? Or let him portion his food himself and pour his own drinks under your guidance? Reinstate the contract.

Sorry it is hard right now. Ditch the menu plan from the nutritionist and go back to what you were feeding him before.

Kali
Food=Love
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grumpylostlittleboy
Thank you so much for the responses. Love the bus analogy. The image immediately reframed my mood. Brilliant. My feelings toward the psychologist are funnily enough not based in anger, just disappointment. Her work has been pivotal in keeping my son on track the last 15 months. None of us realised how embedded the ED still was. The plan was also to keep weekly appointments and monitor closely. What I found, however, is that once we released control, we all realised were never going to get it back. In retrospect (ha!) we should have still kept aspects of the contract. It just goes to show how frighteningly little is still known about the illness. Our psychologist is actually amazing. She was just very wrong in this component & ED escaped. It was her idea to split the therapy between her and a new nutritionist. That way she now targets the anxiety, and the menu plan is just that, a plan. No contract, thus allowing my s some sense of input, individualism, independence. We will find out in 2 days if the slightly reduced menu is still helping. Fingers crossed.

With respect to FBT not fully working, this relates to the control by parents creating an incredible amount of anger in my s. I must admit, this week is looking much more like FBT, and miraculouslyhe has accepted it. Perhaps because its school holidays?As a result I'm plating up a bit more now (he was doing pretty much everything that first week...plating, pouring, deciding menu etc), but allowing for choice when I sense he can handle it. It's a bit like a dance. Just never sure when the music is going to change so I can adjust my steps. From what I have read here & research it sounds like that's what transition is supposed to look like when the reigns are handed back?

Regarding the anxiety medication....is this something that can indeed be trialled? Or once you are on them you have to slowly wean off? What off the impact many years down the track? Tremors? How does it affect the brain when it's medication developed not necessarily specifically for anorexia, but, say, schizophrenia?
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HateEDwithApassion
Hi,
It's still unbelievable to me, after being on this site for three years, that we have such idiot, uninformed, dangerous psychologists out in the ED world. Jeesh. Speaking as a parent who was with one of the best known ED docs in my area for two years - who did get my D WR but little else - I would second Psycho Mom and look for a new doctor. It's shocking how many bad ED specialists there are. I know it sucks to change doctors, but experimenting with a child's life and ED progress? Clearly the experiment failed when your son lost a single KG, so the doctor should have been talked about that and halted it immediately, in my opinion.

As for meds, my D is also on meds and my H was very against them in the beginning. Neither of us still loves the idea, but they did help with refeeding anxiety and school anxiety and suicidal thoughts and depression. I don't honestly know why my D struggles with those things more than another child, but I do know that if the meds help her manage them and allow her to gain her health and engage in therapy, then they have been worth it. It may be something to reconsider seeing how much your child is struggling. Nothing about this disease is easy. I'm so sorry... vent away... 



19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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deenl
HI Grumpylittlelostboy,

My son is also 13 (only for today, his birthday is tomorrow!) and I do wonder why the psychiatrist even thought to hand control of the food over to him. My son is not yet weigh restored but I know in my own mind I do not plan to allow him control until he has been well (state and weight) for at least a year and then we will do it slowly, step by step. Hell, I still feed his 15 year old brother most meals, although he grabs some snacks himself and serves himself breakfast and lunch with us at the table. If a 15 y.o. who eats like a horse and grows like a weed is still under the observation and guidance of a parent then I KNOW my ED 13/14 y.o. who nearly died will not be controlling what he eats for years to come. Better safe than sorry.

FBT never worked for my son and the 'professionals' were stumped. He is very different from the 'typical'RAN sufferer, if there is such a thing. So we had to cobble together some sort of workable arrangement ourselves. I think you just have to think what has worked and about the characteristics, both helpful and unhelpful, of your son and go for some trial and error.

I posted on this before and got replies from so many people who have gone the atypical treatment route. You may find some ideas there. http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/the-super-resistors-when-lsuye-and-magic-plate-cause-total-shut-down-8122350?highlight=super+resistors&trail=25#gsc.tab=0

Keep going, you'll figure something out.

Warm wishes,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Tali97
What anxiety medication is being suggested? They all can be trialled. Different kids find different things work for then. 
SSRI's take a couple of weeks to work and then the dose can be adjusted until the dose is effective for the patient. When my son first trialled these at age 12, I was not happy to have him on them as there was lots of stories going around about kids on them. People telling me not to put him on them. With hind site I should not have listen to them it just cause unnecessary anxiety.

My son has been on a different anxiety med for a year and I will say that without it be would not eat. He would never tell you it is helping, but he did tell his brother that it frees the mind. 
You are his parent and nobody should be giving your son medication without fully explaining the risks and the benefits. They should be able to tell you why they think that they will help your son. 
The doc who prescribed my sons meds discussed the risks and those side effects that he had personally seen. What tests he would do to look for the more serious side effects. What things he wished the parents to keep an eye out for when the child started taking the drug. 
18 year old boy (Gluten Free/Dairy Free 2005)
 IP - March/April 2014.  ARFID.
 2015 - Gastroparisis
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Boysmum
My son is also 13 and has been taking Prozac since Easter, as 3-4 months post weight restoration his anxiety was still terribly high. First we tried melatonin since he found it difficult to sleep. This helped the sleep but did not reduce the anxiety. So we knew it was not lack of sleep related. Then myself and my husband had a session with the psychiatrist without my son where we discussed going on the medication and were able to freely discuss all of our concerns. He then started on a trial of 1.25ml (he takes the liquid form as not so good at swallowing tablets). After 6 weeks we reviewed and it was obvious that it was helping but not yet at a fully therapeutic dose. He's been taking 2.5mls since July and it's been a game changer. Of course we can't say what would have happened without it, but the following has happened with it:
- no longer gets anxious at bedtime
- has begun to take food when hungry without asking
- sees friends and plans social outings with them
- opened up further in therapy (as per feedback from play therapist). Now dealing with the school anxiety with her.
- is managing school reasonably well (still room for improvement here)
- goes to school in the morning without needing me to take him to the door. Goes with a friend. Huge!!
- can choose between 2 snack items without considering their calorie values

Still working on:
- free eating - still needs prompts and meal and snack schedule to be adhered to. Too tempting to avoid food when stressed otherwise
- first response to stress is to refuse food - working on this in therapy
- gets very worried about school and doing well enough.

If needed we will increase his dose - I think it's 10mg now. He is happy to take them and says he feels an effect,

Hth xx
13 yr old son diagnosed April 2015 with Anorexia.
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grumpylostlittleboy
The medication in question is either quetiapine(?) Or Olanzapine. The former was recommended by a psychiatrist we saw last year. He questioned our life story (with some very Freudian influences & criticism of attachment parenting) after which in the last 10 minutes he concluded we needed Quetiapine , quickly discussed its merits & wanted to write a script. We were not convinced, did not trust him & opted to wait it out. Instead, I reduced my hours at work, tried to make my son's schedule much less hectic (e.g. mental health days from school whenever there was the slightest stress, or whenever there was nothing happening that day at school.); looked at food options that could mitigate anxiety; continual dialogue with school to ease his schedule. (Eg no food technology; no cultural days with cooking competitions...no whole day excursions where food intake was not properly supervised).He actually was going really well, except of the mutism with us, which started to break our family apart. (Thank you ED!) We even managed to go overseas to see my parents, where he decided to extend the mutismto them. They may never hear his voice again.

This new psychiatrist which comes recommended favours olanzapine. He still has to assess my s, but chances are he will conclude it's needed, so we have to be prepared this time to at least take the script and consider a trial.

The anxiety naturally escalated with the recent drop in weight. Dear s now sets his alarm for 3 or 4 am for days he is anxious about school. It wakes us up...He sleeps through it!! The irony.

The alarm has stopped now it's school holidays. And yes, I tried removing the iPad, but not without a meltdown, which we now avoid by turning off internet to specific devices in early evening, thereby forcing a quiet time before bed.

On the plus side, he eats his 6 meals of which 3 independently; he attends school & excells (although occasionally assignments give anxiety as he is a high achiever); participates and talks to friends & teachers; socialises with people outside our family; plays tennis as a hobby & has stopped the extra training for months now. Swimming squad was cancelled last year as there was no way I'd let him back into swim training &he hasn't asked to have it back. .

Everything seemed to be pointing to improvement.

I should say that when he lost the first kilo, the experiment was immediately pulled to a halt. Unfortunately the damage had been done & in a one hour session it is impossible to reframe a workable plan addressing all the issues. That takes weeks. Hence the inclusion of a nutritionist. We have now also done blood works,.And will do a health assessment today.
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Torie
I'm going to apologize in advance for my directness / bluntness in responding. I know we have many lurkers who need, among other things, help evaluating the suitability of the "professional team" they are working with, and the advice you're receiving is ... er ... worth discussing. 

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
In retrospect (ha!) we should have still kept aspects of the contract. It just goes to show how frighteningly little is still known about the illness.


Well, no, I disagree quite strongly with that. I think what it shows is how little THIS PARTICULAR PROVIDER KNOWS about this illness. I cannot imagine - underscore - cannot imagine - Kartini Clinic, ERC, any of the other highly recommended professionals making this blunder.

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
Our psychologist is actually amazing.


Fine. That's really nice for some of her patients, I bet. But it sounds like she is trouble with a capital T for ED sufferers - she really has no clue.

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
She was just very wrong in this component & ED escaped.


That's like entrusting your cancer-patient child to a provider who treats in such a way that the cancer is made WORSE and saying, but hey, she helped his acne; it's just the cancer part she got wrong.

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
It was her idea to split the therapy between her and a new nutritionist. That way she now targets the anxiety, and the menu plan is just that, a plan. No contract, thus allowing my s some sense of input, individualism, independence.


Your son has anorexia, right? That means he needs THE OPPOSITE of "input, individualism, independence" regarding food / meal choices. Your son CANNOT think rationally about food right now. His brain isn't working right, at the moment because it has been hijacked by this vile illness. He needs someone else (read: you, the psych, the rest of the team) to make all food-related decisions for the time being because he. just. can't. That's sort of a definition of anorexia.

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
With respect to FBT not fully working, this relates to the control by parents creating an incredible amount of anger in my s.


Oh geez. No. Repeat, no. Whoever told you this is operating on information that is outdated by at least a couple of decades. For the sake of anyone reading this who may hear similar ideas from their "professionals," I want to be clear that this idea is not just outdated - it is also dangerously wrong. Although it may LOOK LIKE the parents taking control creates "an incredible amount of anger," the problem is not - repeat, not - the issue of parents being too controlling. Right now, ANOREXIA IS IN CONTROL OF HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT EATING. Heaven forbid that AN is also allowed to control his ACTIONS about eating. Your son's brain isn't working right - he isn't in control of his nutrition - he can't be, because he has a brain-based illness that prevents rational thought on that topic. Allowing anorexia to remain in control of his nutrition is ... the gentlest word I can think of for this is "inhumane."

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
I must admit, this week is looking much more like FBT, and miraculously he has accepted it.


Oh thank heavens. It sounds like FBT is EXACTLY what your son needs. And exactly what YOU need. When his AN-addled brain makes him lash out against full nutrition, you need professionals who SUPPORT your requirement for full nutrition, not ones that side with the vile illness that prevents him from eating what he needs.

grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
As a result I'm plating up a bit more now (he was doing pretty much everything that first week...plating, pouring, deciding menu etc), but allowing for choice when I sense he can handle it. It's a bit like a dance. Just never sure when the music is going to change so I can adjust my steps. From what I have read here & research it sounds like that's what transition is supposed to look like when the reigns are handed back?


Well, sort of. But the reins are not supposed to be handed back until the patient is closer to being in his right mind about eating.

I urge you to find a professional team that is up to date with anorexia research and treatment. CHOP in Philly, ERC in Denver, Kartini in Oregon, UCSD in CA, there are others around the country. But obviously, there are still far too many providers who dispense far too much damage alongside the help they offer.

Again, I apologize for my bluntness. One way this forum saves lives is by helping people find helpful help and recognize dangerous "help." I'm speaking from experience here - I was among the many who initially found "help" that was worse than no help at all. I will be forever indebted to the good folks here who helped me find my way to competent, effective professionals.

Best of luck. Please keep us posted. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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grumpylostlittleboy
Hi Torie, Don't apologise for being blunt. It's what is needed in this space. I have come to terms with the error & am mitigating a path back to FBT. I guess my philosophy is that mistakes are made & now we have to take action. I will certainly not make a similar error again!!

Btw we are based in Australia, so not much choice...

Also, tests came back today.Clean bill of health. Hmmmm.
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deenl
Hi grumpylittlelostboy,

In my experience the mutism is not a huge problem and psychiatrists tend to make more of it than it really is. (Obviously I don't know your boy so I could be totally off base)

When our s was at his sickest his voice was so incredibly quiet with everyone that we almost never understood what he was saying. As his weight improved so did his voice, slowly but surely. Now he talks and laughs with everyone ... except me. For many months the most I got was um in answer to a direct question. But even that is improving and a week or two ago I got a few words and the other day a whole sentence of just conversation!

My own theory based only on what I observe in my situation is that obviously at his sickest it was 100% malnutrition of the brain causing the lack of communication. Now I think it is a combination of a brain not yet rehabilitated but getting there and a sideways release of emotions at how sucky it is to have this illness. I am the safe person he can vent at (via the silent treatment). There is also an element of emotional anorexia in that he rejects my warmth and comfort.

So, more importantly, how do we handle it here. Maybe you can take a few ideas to try out at home. Colleen's daughter also rejected her and her old posts on here have a lot of very useful information and I basically took my ideas from her.

I remain totally normal. If I would have made a remark or told a interesting titbit about my day, the news, a joke, something I saw/heard before, then I force myself to make it still in a normal tone of voice, ignoring the fact that he is not talking to me. I go to his room where he is hiding out and say if I am heading out, if something happened etc. I can be a bit goofy so I still do that and last week got a glimmer of a smile before ED shut it down. So I know my real son (also goofy) hears me.

I remain conscious of the fact that if I stop talking to him then I am colluding with the ED, mutism, teen moodiness, whatever. I ACT NORMAL and at long last it is beginning to pay dividends and he is starting to react back.

I ask him to be polite to other people but there are no consequences if he can't (I do think it is can't, not won't) But again if I lower my EXPECTATIONS, I am colluding with the behaviour and not fighting against it.

Anything I do is short and sweet so even if he gets flashes of anger, I'm gone off to another room, talking to the other kids, whatever. That way it never becomes a power struggle.

Warm wishes,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Torie
grumpylostlittleboy wrote:
Btw we are based in Australia, so not much choice...


Oh, right. I forgot. I have to wonder if no help at all would be better than the "help" you currently have. The best thing that ever happened with my d's psych was when she agreed to NOT participate in the food / eating part of therapy. Maybe something to consider with your s? Maybe tell your s you are working with experts online and his psych will just be working on the other issues from now on (mutism, etc.)?

Just a thought. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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grumpylostlittleboy
Hi deenl, our sons sound very similar. Emotional anorexia still rules in our house, particularly against me, and, like you, I found Colleens advice very inspiring. I'm finding the physical pushes, shoulder bumping, kicks in our case a bit confronting some days, but I try to remind myself that young boys tend to show their affection at times by pushing & shoving!! Lately I can touch him without him recoiling (I persisted with daily hand on shoulder)..and the shoulder bumps are getting softer. .that's an immense progress. It used to be that he recoiled when I would touch him lightly in the morning to get im towake up.

The most touching thing is that his voice has broken!!!! I hear it maybe once a week when he speaks to friends. Honey to my ears, but it does often make me cry for conversations lost...
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grumpylostlittleboy
Torie wrote:


Oh, right. I forgot. I have to wonder if no help at all would be better than the "help" you currently have. The best thing that ever happened with my d's psych was when she agreed to NOT participate in the food / eating part of therapy. Maybe something to consider with your s? Maybe tell your s you are working with experts online and his psych will just be working on the other issues from now on (mutism, etc.)?

Just a thought. xx

-Torie


That's exactly where we are at. The psychologist recommended a two pronged pathway. This phase needs quite a lot more focus on unpacking the anxiety separately from discussing menu planning... it was the suggestion of the psychologist to chose this route...so far it's going ok...meeting with nutritionist tomorrow...hate ED!!!!!!!!!!!
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grumpylostlittleboy
Deenl...I forgot to say....".van harte gefeliciteerd" with the birthday of your son! I hope it's a beautiful day...
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