F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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sowego Show full post »
I do not remember: who is paying for her life at the moment? Does she have a job?
She is convinced that all is o.k. and that she can do it herself. That is the problem with AN. Anosognosia.
Can you set her a time limit? 3 days to proof she can eat herself and proof she is aware of the situation and if not come back to eat with you?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding- only here do people truly get this illness.
Mamaroo, I'm interested in the bribing idea and delighted it worked so well for you. You have done an amazing job with your D. Today D was complaining about the pressure she feels from us, by us withholding college fees due to her illness. She says its not helping and she doesn't want to feel she is recovering just to get her fees refunded by us. Ugh! I do get where she is coming from in one way. I did remind her that we all want the same thing, a healthy and happy life. 
If she was willing to eat with us/do meal support, I would certainly be fine with refunding her fees in weekly instalments, but would she hate that even more??
I've been afraid to suggest it.
Tina, we pay for most things except college fees, and we give D  a small weekly allowance.She earns a small bit extra some weeks. 
In many ways we have let her have her chance at recovering and eating by herself- she has been in complete charge for the past 6 months and she has gotten nowhere! I've been listening to the same assurances from her for months. I know others have worked from a nudging type of angle- so maybe I need to just work on getting her to eat one meal with the family, or meet me in a cafe once a week for lunch or something. She never eats with anyone else and doesn't like to see us eating, so there are so many very strong behaviours at work here. Maybe a chipping away at those might be a way in.

 Oct 18, I hope inpatient has been a help to you all. You are very wise to keep on with the cooking and serving meals- keep a tight rein on that!! I let go of the reins far too soon a year and a half ago, when D returned to college after a year off. At that point she was eating all meals and snacks supervised and she just insisted on suddenly dropping the support on return to college. I should have really held my ground then. Within a few months she was on the downward slide and here we are.........
Well I guess that is one of the very frustrating aspects of dealing with my D- she will never ask for support, she didn't seem to put up a fight against the slide backwards and just kept saying she was dealing with it  and back off. 
I think now she is afraid of this up-down cycle, and seems ambivalent about recovery in any real sense. 

Hi Sowego,

It is such a frustrating journey, isn't it?  

When your d says ''I can do this myself, it needs to come from me, I know what I have to do, you have to trust the process, I am very motivated, I've learnt so much from my experiences '  - I would say that you believe her when she tells you this, and that you can believe that she is trying to get well.  However the reality is that she simply cannot calculate how much she needs to eat to put on weight, and even if she wants to put on weight,  - she simply cannot do it because she has lost all concept of quantities.  Tell her you know that it is not her fault but all part of the illness - and that you would at least like her to see a dietitian.  Give her a carrot that if she goes and sees a dietitian you may consider supporting her with college fees again.

Is she still attending college and paying her own way?  Or is she at home doing nothing?  It is not very clear.  How is she spending her days? 

I would also tell her that she does have your love - but that it has to be tough love for her sake, because of her illness.  If she chooses to see it in any other way, you cannot help that.  Her illness is distorting the situation and that is noone's fault.  But without her accepting support - and say that you think a dietitian could be the way forward - then you can only carry on with her floundering around and making no progress.  

Keep reminding yourselves that at twenty one she is still young and the value of thinness still has a great hold at this stage.  Just keep pushing forward in any way you can, nagging and doing whatever you can to make changes.  One tiny step to break the deadlock will make you feel better.  These long periods of stalemate are very wearing but never give up hope.
Hugs xx

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
I do not know wether they have a limit in age but what about the one week family program at UCSD to get started again?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi, I have not been here in a long time because I'm on the FB page more since it's quick. Great to see many names on here I recognize and who have helped me a lot in the past.

I'm following this post because we are in the EXACT same spot with a college-aged daughter. I also feel the exact same way that you do. My H and I both. My D has a team and is in IOP and is home doing community college, but the ED beast roars even as we took away going away to college, phone, car etc. Several suicide attempts and three RTC stays in last 16 months as we push back against it time and time again, and she's back in a relapse now after returning from RTC again a month ago. You are not alone and I'm sorry.

My H and I have a trip or two out of town planned, I'm attending a class at my church related to Celebrate Recovery and boundaries, and we are beginning to let go and live our lives regardless because we've tried everything else , so we are detaching some. There's guilt in that and also relief.  It's confusing. So I truly understand your feelings! Thanks for the stories of hope, even if they take a long time. 


19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.