F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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rubiegirl8_USA

my dd has been in stage 3 (weight-restored with only mild symptoms still present) for a couple years.  i considered my dd stage 3 when i didn't have to worry when she didn't finish her food, and she was rarely asking for help in plating food.

she has had a job for a little over a year now.  she only works one day a week, occasionally more.  there are days when she cannot get herself out of bed to go, and days when she goes in pajamas (sweat pants and tshirt) and no makeup because that's all she can do.

she home schools because she has so much trouble dealing with other teenagers.  she'll make a group of friends, and then as time goes on she loses all of them, or at least perceives they don't like her anymore.  i think either she has terrible social skills and so her friends drift away, or she is self-sabotaging.

therein is my biggest worry for her.  she has no social life whatsoever.  i'm not even sure she's capable of having real friendships.

after 5 years of therapy, psychiatry, group therapy, and trying all kinds of medications, she is not much better with her depression and anxiety.  maybe even worse in some ways.  she is almost 18, and i worry if she'll continue care after that.  her mental health team are now going to have her tested for personality disorder.

if anyone has any insight around BPD, i'd love to here it.  anything would help.

 

dd 17yr old dx april 2013 at 12yrs old, W/R end of july 2013, phase 3, california
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scaredmom
Hi rubiegirl18_USA,
It sounds like you have done a great job with her weight and moving to stage 3! Great job! 
It is hard when they are socially isolated. We really want them to live a full life.

"after 5 years of therapy, psychiatry, group therapy, and trying all kinds of medications, she is not much better with her depression and anxiety.  maybe even worse in some ways.  she is almost 18, and i worry if she'll continue care after that.  her mental health team are now going to have her tested for personality disorder."

Some symptoms and signs of ED can be very much like BPD I am sure you know that. Usually BPD is not diagnosed until the are "adults", as adolescent behaviours and angst can be similar. So they don't want to give a diagnosis to a person that may stigmatize them for life.  I think that is why they don't diagnose until the are older. There are effective treatments and meds are not usually the mainstay, is what I have learned in my limited readings.
Has anyone discussed DBT for your D ?It is very helpful for BPD. It can be helpful for many other psychological issues too and good for caregivers to learn skills to deal with their kids. 
Here are some links. 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/dialectical-behavior-therapy-in-the-treatment-of-borderline-personality-disorder/ 

https://www.verywellmind.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt-for-bpd-425454

I know others will be here with their perspectives as well.

XXX




When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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scaredmom
Here are some threads that discuss this here on ATDT too:
https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/eating-disorder-an-with-comorbid-bpd-8478414?highlight=bpd&pid=1295413339#gsc.tab=0

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/anyone-know-much-about-borderline-personality-disorder-6746019?highlight=bpd&pid=1281481310#gsc.tab=0

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/dbt-intake-she-doesnt-want-to-do-it-advice-needed-please-8160161?highlight=dbt&pid=1292751544#gsc.tab=0

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/dbt-9887708?highlight=dbt&pid=1305938311#gsc.tab=0
I hope there is something in some of those threads that could help.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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rubiegirl8_USA

thank you for the links.  i will look at them soon.

dbt treatment has been the mainstay where she's being seen.  but my daughter refuses to participate, and she completely shuts down.
she has been this way from the beginning.

her mental health team did explain to me that they do not give diagnoses of bpd until they are adults, but as she's nearing 18 and has had so little improvement over the years, they want to get a better understanding of how her mind works.

dd 17yr old dx april 2013 at 12yrs old, W/R end of july 2013, phase 3, california
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debra18
Maybe you can find a therapist that will help you learn how to respond to her behavior. Also, try to point out different social relationships to her. Sometimes it's helpful to see the behavior in others. So, when watching movies, discuss different relationships between peers and why they did or didn't work out. If she doesn't want to engage in the discussion, have it with another family member.
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deenl
Hi Rubygirl,

I wonder if you have read the book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. A family guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr. 

I really like the saying 'You can't change the wind but you can learn to trim the sail'. Whether your daughter gets diagnosed or has some but not all of the characteristics, this book may help. For one, it is aimed at family members. Secondly, it validates how incredibly difficult it is for loved ones, especially in a health care system that itself is afraid of the diagnosis and which also (subtly) hints at parental blame. Finally, it is very practical, recognising that everyone is doing their best but there are ways of reacting to situations that are more effective and teaching them to families. All in all a hopeful and helpful book.

Wishing you continues strength and courage,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Mamaroo
Hi RubieGirl

I'm happy to hear your daughter is doing better weight and eating wise and sorry to hear she is struggling socially. My d's sister is like that. She has always been anxious and prefer her own company. She doesn't seem able to 'read' social situations and has an inability to see when I get angry at her, just continuing her poor behaviour until I get very upset with her. My sister-in-law had the same issues with her daughter and got a dog for her. After school her daughter would pet the dog and tell her all her troubles. Maybe a pet would help. She could take it to the park and maybe meet other teenagers with dogs? I'm always on the look out for situations where she is forced to interact socially, like ordering food or asking a shop assistant for help. My ed d goes every Friday to the church youth group and she has gained a lot of confidence since then. Maybe you can use the same techniques you used to get her to eat to overcome her social anxieties (exposure to social situations)? 
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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rubiegirl8_USA

debra18, I have been attending group counseling with other parents having similar struggles with their children for three years.  it has helped a lot with learning how to respond to dd.  i just wish my husband would get on board.
i like your suggestion of pointing out different social relationships to her.  i will definitely do that.  thank you.

deenl, that book sounds like exactly what i need!  thank you.

Mamaroo, i have wanted to get a dog for my dd for several years.  i just know it would help her quite a bit.  her therapist and psychiatrist have suggested it to her several times.  the problem is we live in a small condo, no yard; and we have a cat that i think will have a very hard time adjusting to a dog.  maybe in the future.  thank you.

dd 17yr old dx april 2013 at 12yrs old, W/R end of july 2013, phase 3, california
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Mamaroo
Hi Rubiegirl

We got our d a mouse (no hamsters her in Aus), it provided her company and is very easy to care for. She would take him out of his cage and place him on her shoulder to explore or she would build a lego house for him to play in. It was a great distraction.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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