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Torie

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Reply with quote  #51 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tina72
"but I'm aware that a lot of 'normal' snack stuff just isn't in this house and I've forgotten almost what those things were"
great chance when your son comes back: take him to the crocery, he will know what normal snacks are [wink]


That is so funny, and so true!

I think Americans might eat more meat than most others.  My h doesn't consider dinner "dinner" if it doesn't have meat.  (Same with lunch.) xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #52 
ok guys thank u.
haha funny and true Tina, when my other d comes home its the same thing.
Man you guys eat a lot of meat! (but remember my d will only eat fish and sometimes chicken but i do get the idea. [eek] [wink] You must be constantly cooking Tina, hats off to you.
We have a plan/contract where she makes lunches and we consistently attack FF's. A lot of those things you mentioned are still on the list to come, nearly all of them actually. My plan was as we go along and these things get approached (she chooses 1 dinner, 1 dessert and 1 snack item) they get added back into normal food eaten, in a lot of respects I do want to follow this process as that's what we discussed and all agreed on, and she gets her reward of money into a car account - its the reason she agreed in the first place. I'm just impatient to move on from this. Saturday is weigh day and if she hasn't put on weight over 200g (I will tweak that to 500g) then in the contract I get to add 200 more cals and so on, this will come in the form of glass of whole milk after lunch and before bed i think to get the calories in drinks idea going again.
Bit sad last night, d and h both told me separately that they didn't think this would work - d because she doesn't want it to i think and she 'hates it here' etc and h because he doesn't really believe in doing the tough stuff, he will not read anything, will listen if I read things out but then questions the advice given and I can tell doesn't really believe me when i say its the only the only thing that helped get us this far in the first place. His own sister had this when she was about 18 and she sort of recovered on her own, after being at home for only 6 weeks, still gets very skinny at times but I notice that she eats everything, has coke etc, and has 3 fine children and good career, he doesn't realise it's much more ingrained in our d and nowadays there at least 3 weekly magazines on the shelves dedicated solely to healthy eating, instagram etc, it makes it much harder.
Rambling again, I'll keep at it and just pretend I know what I'm doing 

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #53 
"Man you guys eat a lot of meat!"
In our house it is 90 % chicken and turkey and about 10 % pig (that is for swedish köttbullar wie all love).
Meat is a quite easy way to get protein for muscles. We eat only biological raised meat and only twice a week (because it is very expensive). I think this is not much.

"You must be constantly cooking Tina, hats off to you."
No, I am not (I was at the beginning but know are more organised). Once a week I tell my MIL to cook and when I cook I just do double reciepe and freeze half of it. So I am cooking about 3 times a week I think and the rest of the week I just open the freezer. It is all organisation. And a big freezer [wink]

My d didn´t believe it would work for the first 10 months and then she saw that she was feeling better.
My h is interested, but he has still problems to seperate d and ED and sees still a bit this "guilt" thing. I try to convey between both but it does not work all the days. I remember him what we have achieved up to now, but he has problems to see all these baby steps. Yesterday d asked me to buy a cheese cake for the weekend and that made him smile [wink]
It is not necessary that anyone believes you are right, as long as they try to go with you. Maybe it helps him if you just tell him that FBT is the ONLY randommized study proofed therapy that works and as long as no better way is there, he should try to go with you and help you. He will see the achievement later.

"His own sister had this when she was about 18"
So there is your genetic link. A very few patients get it without any help. Maybe she was a strong character, maybe her inner ED voice was not as strong. There are a few patients who recover from cancer without any chemotherapie. But you would not quit chemotherapie if it was chancer just because of that very few exeptions.

You are doing the right thing. Keep on going and try to add fear food so that your meal plan gets wider. If h sees her eating pizza again he will know that you are right.
I coloured my calender in the early days: red for a bad day, yellow for a "normal ED" day and green for a good day. The first weeks we had only red and some yellow days. Then the first green one. You can miss all this little progress steps because of all that stress. And it helps you to see that there is progress and that the weeks are not so bad as you see it.
You are a wonderful mum. You will get that.

Tina72

wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #54 
Thanks Tina and Maturemom,

It's nice to hear your husband isn't as 'right there with you' as some are Tina (like mine), but that you still have kept going and have achieved amazing results. It was so inspiring for me to hear that. I have nagged the ears off mine this weekend trying to get him to understand things. And thank you for the doing double meals idea and freezing, I would like to do that too.
I do understand this time that I must just keeping going and not let go at all and that this illness needs to be constantly attacked, with no easy days or 'rests' from challenges, or colluding with the ED which I've done in the past by going along with all the healthy eating stuff. In fact I've eaten so much this weekend I'm about to burst - ice creams, muffins, the usual rice pudding with cream, pork belly etc (I'd stopped eating most meat myself and would prefer not to really but I'm not normalising any of this stuff anymore.)
Thank you Maturemom for sharing, I think you did amazingly well, especially with such a strong genetic component in your family, and it's nice to hear I'm not the only only one who was sucked into this healthy eating journey themselves. Not to say we will suddenly stop having lots of fruit and veggies etc but it will be more of everything in moderation.
There's a really funny Billy Connelly skit about the 'white bread crowd' that puts it all in perspective and makes me laugh.

I have good news, I think. It was weigh in yesterday and my d has put on 2 kgs, is that even possible in 1 week?!! I did do it twice just to check and my own weight was accurate, so ...yay! So proud and happy. She doesn't know it of course, and I'm getting worried because the weight that she thinks she's working towards is only 2.5 more kgs away. I really don't know what I'm going to say when she finds out she is 'over' or how to tell her she should be more. I've got no idea where she should be but i'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and try to work it out. I think I should try for a BMI of 21 if possible but that puts our goal another 5kgs away, 3 more than she's ever been. I'd like to be ready with some research about this when she questions it which I'm sure she will start to do very soon.

She is unhappy and has that 'shut down' demeanour that makes me feel sick and horrible, and that I could not deal with in the past. It makes me so anxious when any of them are unhappy at all, let alone to this degree. It's thanks to this forum only that I know this is NOT the time to back off but the time to put my head down and keep charging forward.
Blessings to all, and any help with the weight talk would be very much appreciated.

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #55 
Hi wheresmywand,
try to eat not too much [wink], you need to be a good role model but I can tell you you will gain some weight just because of all that added stuff. Try to add only to her meals if possible. I gained about 5 kg up to know and have to stop that now because it is going to be unhealthy for me now. Try to get a good mixture for all of you.
2 kg are great!!! But you will not see this every week. At the beginning it is mostly water that is in the body cells again. And be aware that she is not water loading before weighing! Do it surprisingly if possibly and keep on weighing blind.
She will not realize that she is "over" if you keep on doing that and don´t cheer yourself too much [wink]. BMI 21 sounds good. We are heading 20 at the moment and I wish to get 21, too, to have some safety net.
My d is still wearing 90% of the clothes she had with 10 kg less weight, I only hid those 2 size 0 jeans. So as long as you do not have to buy everything new, she will not realize it. She will see the changes of her body, and that is hard enough to not engage in. Try not to talk about that at all. If she complains, say "I know that this is really hard for you at the moment" and then change the subject.
The "shut downs" will definitivly get less. Keep on going and let food and time do his work. We saw first changes about 4 months after WR, so it takes really a lot of time.
Tina72

wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #56 
Thanks for checking in tina, you are really wonderful. I realise I'm getting ahead of myself thinking about a BMI of 21 when we are only just over 19. I will stop that now. She didn't water load that time, only 1 tea and 1 water but she used to do it in the past.
I forgot to say congratulations to you for your daughter ordering a cheesecake, that must have been a lovely feeling.
Bless you


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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #57 
Wheresmywand it is almost impossible to relate to an ED brain about weight when someone is still unwell. This is one of the great problems of dealing with AN. We all hate seeing our kids distressed and of course having to deal with this is always distressing. 

I would suggest having a few standard lines for dealing with your D's anxiety about weight and weight gain, you are after all trying to get her brain to a healthy place along with her body which probably functions OK where she is weight wise. There is also very limited data for getting people to a higher weight with ED. Lots of anecdotal stuff and parents reporting the difference it made but you will be hard pressed to find any research supporting this.

The limited research available says that:higher discharge weight at the end of treatment is associated with lower risk of relapse ( but talking BMI's less than 20), it also says that those who have increased food variety and faster gain early in treatment have better outcomes. You may wish to read these articles : https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-016-1019-y  and http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.691.2003&rep=rep1&type=pdf

My suggestion when D starts question is acknowledging that it is hard for her and hard for her to see the reason why she needs to eat better
You are looking after her long term health so that she can live a healthy independent life in the future
It is normal for young adults to continue to gain weight into their 20's so it is expected that she needs to be a higher weight than she was previously 

Try not to go to far off any script you work out in your head and become that broken record over and over. 





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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #58 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmywand
I have good news, I think. It was weigh in yesterday and my d has put on 2 kgs, is that even possible in 1 week?!! I did do it twice just to check and my own weight was accurate, so ...yay! So proud and happy.


WOOHOO!!!  Cheerleader Smiley  Cheerleader Smiley  Cheerleader Smiley  

Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmywand
She doesn't know it of course, and I'm getting worried because the weight that she thinks she's working towards is only 2.5 more kgs away. I really don't know what I'm going to say when she finds out she is 'over' or how to tell her she should be more. I've got no idea where she should be but i'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and try to work it out. I think I should try for a BMI of 21 if possible but that puts our goal another 5kgs away, 3 more than she's ever been. I'd like to be ready with some research about this when she questions it which I'm sure she will start to do very soon.


One thing you could tell her at some point is that it is normal and expected for a person to gain a little weight each year through the young adult years.  Someone here (FoodSupport?) sometimes pastes in a graph showing that.

I had a bit of a dilemma at one point in our journey - I KNEW my d needed more weight and yet I was pretty worried what she might do when that happened.  Since I  was quite good at telling her weight just by looking at how certain clothes fit, I decided to stop weighing for a time.  (I don't recommend that - I'm just telling what happened.)  Anyway, when I was satisfied that her state was good, I gritted my teeth and asked her to step on the scale.  (Blind weighing didn't work for us, so she always saw the number.)  Lo and behold, she was higher than the number she had feared so much.  She asked if she could lose a little ("Sorry, no") and that was that.  A pretty ho hum reaction to a number she had been dead set on avoiding.

Please don't be afraid of what ED's afraid of.

You're doing GREAT!  Keep going.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #59 
Hi,
"I forgot to say congratulations to you for your daughter ordering a cheesecake, that must have been a lovely feeling."
Thanks for that. Yes, it was, and I am proud to tell you that she ate one piece of it each day of the weekend. It was our first cheesecake since 2016.

I am sure you can get there, too. Keep on going.
She will be your happy nice and wonderful girl again.
Just keep going through that tunnel, you can only get through by walking on. At the end there is light, I am sure.

And I can tell the same as Torie did, my d had a "number" in her head that she would NEVER EVER see on the scale again and when she hit it (that was before we started blind weighing) she said just "o.k." and that was it.

Tina72
rhiannehope

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Reply with quote  #60 
Wheresmywand
The best thing for you and your family is to talk to each other my sister has had an ED for nearly 11 years and we’ve found communication is vital. I’ve blamed myself for so many years but it doesn’t help understand any of it just try to be there and support your D. But try not to make all your conversations together about food and talk about other things she enjoys/enjoyed hope this helps
kazi67

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Reply with quote  #61 
Hi wheresmywand
I’m having a sleepless night [frown] so just read through your whole post/replies
I’ve not been on this journey as long as most but thought I’d say what helped with my d in regards to her “vegetarian” eating
So for 6 months (how long my now 19yo d has been sick) but doing well now, did not eat meat/beef we got her back onto chicken and fish but beef was the one she just said she didn’t want and I was happy at least she was eating something
Then she had a weight loss of 2kg and I was gutted, thrown into a depression (only lasted a day) but did spend that day in bed unable to string a sentence together without crying fearing IT was back or relapse
Anyway h cooked a BBQ I simply got up served her plate with a steak on it as well as a sausage plus chips and salad, turned on tv sat down and she ate it
I’m not sure her seeing me so upset made her just eat it or what but there was no talking nothing she just ate it
Maybe it’s just facing up to ED and not arguing about anything I honestly don’t know but just thought I’d share incase this helps
Oh and the following night served the same and it got eaten again
Seriously if you asked me if my d would ever eat a meal of steak 3-4 months ago I would never have though so, so there you go it can be done
Sorry to hear of your illness too [frown]
What an amazing mumma you are!!!
You are doing and incredible job xx
wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #62 
Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies,

Mature mom, how did you get on at the GP, I really hope they said all the right things to back you up - so hard going to any health professional once this illness is in your life, you heart is always in your mouth waiting for them to say something stupid.

Thanks FoodSupport, those suggestions and words are awesome, it has to be simple for me at the moment because most of my brain seems to have shut down! I still feel immobilised with nerves, I'm thinking about trying to see my GP to get something to help with that. The link was great thank you.

Yay, thanks Torie. I mustn't get carried away with that though but it lets me know I'm on the right track which I soo needed. Again, a nice simple line to use which will be really handy. I really hope I get the same response from my daughter if/when the same thing happens with her weight. And yours Tina.

Thanks Rhiannehope, welcome, you are right and I do have to keep that in mind to make sure we are communicating well and doing other things and its not all about food. I know I'm a bit guilty of that lately, I guess I'm terrified that once it's running all smoothly I'll lose focus again, so in some ways being hyper vigilant and focused on food is my defence against that. But I don't want to drive my daughter nuts like her mother. [crazy]

Hello Kazi, sorry about your sleepless night, but thank you for using it to catch up with me [smile], those are lovely things you said. I really hope I get the same response as easily as that one day, I know my daughter actually loves meat and when I refed her the first time she used to live on steak and lamb, which was handy since we are sheep and beef farmers. I know she's not ready at this point but a bit further down the track, when her brother and sister are here, I pray to think she would like to go back to normal enough that she can eat meat again, even if its just occasional.

I think it might sound like I'm doing better than I am. I'd love to know if others had success with their kids being in charge of lunch and snacks but supervising them. We are counting calories and arguing about amounts (a bit, not terrible) to make sure they're up to scratch. Of course she'll always prefer it just under. I really don't think this is ideal as she's thinking calories again, but then out in the real world you have to calculate that you're getting enough I suppose. I get to do lunches 3 x a week so make full use of that and as more snack foods are introduced she will have to steadily incorporate those so hoping that will make the steady food choice change we need. The present system means I'm always hovering and the potential for anger and arguments is increased. If I'm going to do this how we are (i.e. by the plan we agreed to) I should maybe just trust the meals she does are the right amount, give or take a very small discrepancy, and if the weight gain isn't adequate THEN i step in and add more. I think it might be the only way our relationship can survive being constantly in the house together, and we are not totally consumed by food in our communications.
I would LIKE to take over completely but one of her own stipulations was that she be allowed to maintain some independence. I'm pretty sure if I suddenly announced, contrary to our contract, that I'm taking over everything, that she would just leave. I can't even imagine the words I'd use for that. 2nd guessing myself too much perhaps? Or not being ballsy enough? It could just be my fear of collusion and taking it too lightly that is making me think I should make it harder.. going around in circles in my mind.
xx

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
kazi67

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Reply with quote  #63 
Hi again
I’m not sure what everyone else does but I’ve never counted a calorie (I could b wrong to do that I just couldn’t b bothered) but realise then you would have an exact idea of how much going in
What I did was always just serve up a “normal” serve of whatever meal it was
My d is older though and now serves herself with close supervision on serving and eating
I guess you have to do what works for you
So long as you are making some progress I think that is all that matters :)
xx
Torie

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Reply with quote  #64 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmywand
I know my daughter actually loves meat and when I refed her the first time she used to live on steak and lamb, which was handy since we are sheep and beef farmers. I know she's not ready at this point but a bit further down the track, when her brother and sister are here, I pray to think she would like to go back to normal enough that she can eat meat again, even if its just occasional


Not ready?  Of course she is ready - it's the jerk ED who isn't ready.  Your d needs you to be stronger than ED and smarter than ED and more persistent than ED so that your d gets to eat this food that she loves again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmywand
 but then out in the real world you have to calculate that you're getting enough I suppose.


Some sufferers never get reliable hunger cues and so need a system of counting if not calories then some other measure to make sure they get enough.  Others never count calories.  So it depends.

Personally, I would try to minimize her calorie counting.  Maybe say something like, "It isn't normal to count out every chip - just take two handfuls."  Or "Let's see if you can serve yourself enough milk without measuring today."  

I think counting calories really does feed ED, but I realize that you have to do what you have to do, and no one is able to establish an ideal situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmywand
The present system means I'm always hovering and the potential for anger and arguments is increased. If I'm going to do this how we are (i.e. by the plan we agreed to) I should maybe just trust the meals she does are the right amount, give or take a very small discrepancy, and if the weight gain isn't adequate THEN i step in and add more. I think it might be the only way our relationship can survive being constantly in the house together, and we are not totally consumed by food in our communications.


I would urge you not to give ED one smidgen of trust.  It is always harder to regain control you have given up than to keep it in the first place.  If she is sufficiently put off by all the arguments and anger, she can let you be in charge of all the lunches.  Otherwise, well, she is stuck with you.  

To my way of thinking, the problem is not that you are hovering and arguing - the problem is that she (read: ED) has too much control.  And if ED is going to be left in control, well, sorry, but you will need to be right there to rein in the sucker.

Ugh, sorry, I know none of this is what you wanted to hear.  

I wonder if your son could be recruited to land a couple of punches on ED.  I don't like to encourage sibs to walk into the fray, but I think there can be a small role for adult sibs.  (Not sure how old your non-ED d is.)  For example, he could request steak for dinner and after dinner go to ___.  And then sit beside her and keep up a good patter of conversation until she has finished.  It can be tricky to involve them unless you're sure they won't say the same kinds of unfortunate things we hear from our "professionals."

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #65 
Hi wheresmywand,
at the beginning of refeeding I counted everything and it made me crazy...[wink]
As my d has a brilliant memory, she knows all the calories in her head and cannot forget them. So she is definitivly still counting.
We do it that way today:
I plate lunch and I just plate a normal amount without counting but adding as much as I can in that portion.
She is doing the rest of the meals and snacks with supervision and the simple rule that no meal or snack is below 300 calories. To achieve that she must count a bit because she still has no feeling what a normal portion is and would serve herself less than that.
We ask her to serve us to make her learn again what a normal serving is. She pures our milk or juice, she plates us. I hope that her brain will learn again what amount would be normal to eat that way.
I try to give her some rules she can use when she leaves our house in a few years. I hope that she will not need them any more, but the most important thing is for me that she can care for herself and knows which rules she must follow. For that it is great that AN people are so rule-bounded. I experienced that if I stay firm with a new rule for 2 or 3 weeks it is added to normal behaviour.

Because of a very bad start with IP here I never took over 100% and that worked for us. Listen to your gut. As long as you see progress and she is gaining and the AN behaviour gets less, keep on going. If not, change something. My d knows that if she isn´t working with me I will take over. She wants to have the freedom to choose something so she is compliant. Every family is different, so see what works for you.
Tina72
wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #66 
Hi everyone, thanks for replies as usual, its amazing how much I have come to rely on you. I'm so grateful for all your wisdom and support and I'd honestly be lost without it, I'm sure I must be the neediest person on here! 

Tina that is almost exactly how we do it too and I'm sooo heartened to read that you do the same because I know that you are making progress and having success. I've always felt a failure because I never took full control of lunches and snacks (mainly due to the dietician and therapist we had first setting the tone, but also because I allowed negotiation. Never mind that now.) I plate dinner and dessert, and the rules are 600 cal for lunch and 300 for each 2 snacks. Maybe lunch is a bit high? Never mind I'm not going to lower it. I can see it working, today she suddenly looks more rounded and lovely, I feel that she has noticed too and I'm waiting for the flak, she was complaining of a really sore tummy at dinner which is usually a way to try and get out of eating. I try not to pay too much attention to it but gave her a lovely head and neck massage while we watched our series. 

I suppose I'd better not just keep going on this thread but if its ok 2 more quick questions: She is enrolling in the correspondence school and one of the subjects she's chosen is Home Economics. Eek. i looked it up and its all about researching health problems facing the world today, proper nutrition planning etc etc - i can just see what license this will give her to study obesity and 'healthy' food and I'm really sure that this is not a good subject to choose. I think its an ED subject. I'm afraid to challenge since she has reluctantly agreed (well she has complied anyway after we told her) to home school. Might be a job for H? - please wish us luck or suggest some good lines because this is going to cause a huge amount of argument.

Also another quick problem [eek]. In short, my Mum has booked her timeshare for a week in early March in a resort town which is in the South Island (so we need to book flights). It's her first year without Dad and she's very lonely - plus the 1st anniversary of my Dad's passing, and had no one to go with so i said some time ago that I'd go. So now that my daughter is t home, I will have to take her too and possibly older daughter if she is able to come for company for ED d. I cant get out of it but dreading how disruptive it might be - its much harder to keep on track and have control of meals than when we are at home. I might be worried about nothing and I guess there could be some opportunities there but ... she's just not far enough along to eat holiday type food and I'm scared her intake will suffer because we cant be so focused, but also scared the control I have managed to claw back will be loosened, and ALSO a bit worried because my Mum is undiplomatic and is in the 'don't really get it and blame my daughter' brigade. I think you're going to say don't go but it will be terrible for my Mum if I don't. Anyway, sorry so many questions and moans.

Thank you all again. X

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #67 
You are doing really well, and have made great progress in the last few weeks. 

With your D's subject choices, what was she going to do before the plan for home school? If she has never shown interest in Home Economics it sounds very ED like to be considering it now. Does it fit with her long term goals, if not you can easily argue strongly on that front alone. It is definitely a subject that can cause issues with respect to "eating healthy". I would also consider pushing her to change on the basis that she may find the content matter distressing and increasing her ED thoughts, you don't want her to have increased anxiety around food. 

As for the time share, it is a tough one. I can see why you feel that you have to go. Time share is often able to be self catering so hopefully food wise that can work. I think it may be time to be firm with your mother, you want to come and support her. You know how hard it is with your Dad gone, but you also have a lot on your plate and if you are going to come you will be bringing D and sister and you absolutely need your mum not to make any comments about weight, food, fullness, diets etc. If she can't promise, you can't come. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Kali

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Reply with quote  #68 
wheresmywand,

Just wanted to say that it is a GREAT solution to have her homeschool for the year! (despite the home economics) If the HomeEc is about researching health problems facing the world today, you could ask her to not research anything food related. There are plenty of topics she can choose which are interesting and in the public health realm.

Kali





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Reply with quote  #69 
Hi,
please stop excusing [crazy] you are not the neediest person here I believe and if so, so what??? We all needed that support and do it still now and we are glad if we can help you. If you are a few months more within you will see that is is nice and gives you a good feeling to support others who are then new to this.
And please fell free to add to this thread, it is easier for us to be able to scroll back and re-read what you have posted before.

No, lunch is not too high, the more you can get in is the best.
Try to make her drink a healthy looking smoothie for supper [wink]. She surely will need some fruits and vegetables for vitamins, does she? You can add up to 20% canola oil and after leaving the blender she will not taste it. Just to add something else so you are sure she has enough through the day.

Home Economics: as Foodsupport said, it seems to be a bit "Health class" and a bit ED subject. What are her other options? Can you (or hubby) push her gently to another subject, saying this will give you more options for a job in future (another language for example or some IT-subject)? Or can you contact the school and tell them the problem so they could change the subject and say something like HE is layed out?

The Mum-Problem: We have that, too, and MIL is living with us in the same house. I understand that you don´t want to cancel it and I see two options.
First: Is there a possibilty that you can cook or order some special food for your d in the kitchen? I know a mum who had to do some holidays with AN to comfort the other kids and she had a talk with the cook in the hotel on the first day and gave him their meal plan and he cooked exactly that for her d. Ask if that is possible. Another possiblity is that you cook food at home, freeze it and carry it with you and just warm it there?
Don´t change mealtimes and do all meals and snacks as at home. Try to follow all your rules and just change the rooms.
Second: Talk to your mum seriously. She does not need to understand it. But she must know, that you will only come if she can control herself. And that you will leave if she isn´t compliant. No talk about food, size, figure ... with your d around. Try to tell her that she should think about it as it were cancer. She would not talk about meds and chemotherapie in front of your d, would she?
We have reduced the family meals because my MIL could not stop that. We are now having one family meal a week and she knows that we get up and leave if she says "the wrong things". She does better now and only sometimes doesn´t think about something she says. But my d is better now and can stand that talk now. At the beginning we couldn`t be with MIL because of that.
It is interesting, my FIL did not do that at all. He just got it from the first minute. Seems to depend on character.
Someone here (I think it might have been toothfairy) posted a short information for friends and family what to say and what not. Maybe you can find that and give it to her so she has something to re-read every day 😉
Tina72
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Reply with quote  #70 
Home Ec, eh?  I think I would try pretty hard to convince her to pick something (almost anything) else - photography, art, music, whatever.  But also I would contact the school and ask for a detailed syllabus.  I think my kids' home ec classes actually cooked a lot of things like cookies so perhaps it isn't so bad?

And the trip?  Honestly, that's scary.  Personally, the only way I would have signed up for a trip at the stage you are is with the understanding that if any part of any meal is missed, we will need to head back home.

Any chance your son or non-ED d could go in your place?  Or do you have a sib who could go? 

Your mum needs to understand that you are saving your d's life.  

I think I remember saying something to you a long time ago when you were fairly new to FEAST, and I still feel the same way now.  Your are like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, and you already have your wand - you only lack the confidence to use it.  

You can do this.  You ARE doing this.  Don't let anything stand in your way. xx

-Torie

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Torie

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Reply with quote  #71 
P.S. As Tina said, we are pleased for the opportunity to try to help.  Thank you for being here.  xx

-Torie

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wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #72 
Hi again and Help!

Ive been meaning to do an update post for awhile now - things going just ok, weight going on pretty quickly, up 4.9 kgs from start of this thread (BMI 20.5 now from 19), but no decrease in ED behaviour or FF, in fact things are getting harder.

She is discarding our contract as something I wrote so therefore is meaningless, denial is worse - I think the denial is the thing I find hardest to cope with. It means everything else you are trying to do can just be deemed unnecessary and totally undermined.

Anyway just now I am making pizza for lunch and using brought pizza/pasta sauce - she has been allowed to make her own for some time but not anymore, she doesn't like the fact that the sauce has sugar in it and is refusing to eat it (has had it a couple of times before with a bit of grumbling... just says its not ED she just doesn't like it it's disgusting etc etc). She has stormed off out into the rain ... back now stomping around after I said it was just an ED thing. So .. what do I do? I don't want to back down but I cannot see her eating this and then ED has won. Torie, you are soo right about my lack of confidence, I sometimes wonder if I have the tools needed for this job. My kids walk all over me, it wasn't always the case but somewhere along the way I lost my confidence with parenting and I will have to find some sort of help to work through that ... but in the meantime arrgghhh. I need to win this battle.
So very sick of this, what a life [bawl]

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #73 
Great job on the weight increase! Can you think of yourself as a brick wall, as an unmovable rock, with the pizza, and really every meal and snack? ED is testing you, and you are a strong loving mom and are stronger than ED. You can also fake feeling stronger than ED if you need to.

Underneath it, your d is hoping and wishing that someone would rescue her from this hell. She won't show it, but if you knew she were held hostage but you could help, how would you reassuringly and firmly guide her to do what she needed to do to save herself?


wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #74 
Thanks EC Mom. Yes I mostly can I guess, she ate her pizza but refused the scones I made for afternoon tea. Still had a high calorie snack though. I've followed it up with sweetened canned fruit in dessert tonight - should be fun!

I always reminded myself that she really wanted me to make her eat these things but now, lately, I just don't feel so sure. I feel like her problem is now almost more like orthorexia where food has to be healthy and pure - its just another form of anorexia I guess. And she has been at a healthy weight for over a year now, not WR fully, that didn't last long enough but BMI over 19 anyway, which has got her to this state of thinking she is fine, is not feeling like hell anymore etc. 

Thanks for your reply - I will withstand this and will never give up. 

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17 yr old daughter dx RAN Jan 16, but starting restricting some months before that. Let go too early and now back home gaining weight again, slowly challenging fear foods and entrenched 'healthy, pure' eating habits and behaviours.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #75 
WMW sorry things are still so tricky. You are doing an amazing job of getting her to a better weight. Her fear of "unhealthy" foods is definitely unhealthy and of course one of the problems with current society is that the "obesity epidemic" gives the "clean eating" life style legitimacy. Of course to everyone else she looks fine, but you know how she is behaving and eating at home. Definitely not healthy for an independent young adult. Hang in there. Any chances of finding a supportive therapist to discuss things with? I think you saw an FBT therapist early on, is it worth seeing him/her yourself to get a feeling for how it would work as a team. Remember D does not initially have to be willing to see a therapist, but a good therapist will get an unwilling person on board.
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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