MightyTired
Registered: Nov 19, 2009
Posts: 10
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 09:49 PM | Reply with quote | #1 |
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| I feel so totally ashamed. We have instituted refeeding with a vengeance for three weeks now. So far d has only gained a meagre 400gms in total in that time. I am finding it quite difficult to create meals with the extremely high calorie intake required although I am slathering cream, butter, oil, mayo, protein powder etc. into everything. We also stock the cupboards with every wonderfully delicious treat possible. Subsequently I am indulging myself and while I absolutely refuse to weigh myself, I know I am rapidly gaining weight. Of course I can't express my own personal terror at this to anyone given the battle we are fighting with ED at home. I also don't feel I can limit myself in the presence of d for fear of giving her the wrong message. I have also ceased my evening walk because this was something d and I did together and we have told her that she would not be able to participate in any form of exercise until she was physically restored.
Does anyone else find that dealing with ED raises all sorts of personal demons within themselves? |
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lydia
Moderator
Registered: Aug 04, 2007
Posts: 2,769
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 10:16 PM | Reply with quote | #2 |
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Hey MT,
Your d is making headway, thanks to your loving & determined care.
So take a bow!!!
Now on the taking care of yourself thing. Imagine if your d had a broken leg. Would you have a cast put on your own leg? When we were refeeding our d we had to be mindful of our own health. My h had a triple cardiac bypass several years ago, and he eats a "heart healthy" diet. I have some GI issues, so I need to be thoughtful about my own eating patterns.
We don't have to keep up bite for bite, or eliminate other healthful activities from our lives. Bottom line, it's good to be mindful of your own health and your d will actually be helped by this.
Consider this official permission to put shame back in the bottom dresser drawer...and keep going!
Hugs and hope coming atcha!
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Kathleen
Registered: Oct 23, 2009
Posts: 214
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 10:24 PM | Reply with quote | #3 |
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Yes, this has definitely raised personal demons on my end. I agree with lydia. Eating well and maintaining a balance when it comes to food is key. This will set a fine example for your D.
-Kathleen
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girl14AusNSW
Mentor
Registered: Aug 23, 2009
Posts: 1,708
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 10:52 PM | Reply with quote | #4 |
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Hey tired
I have diabetes and over the past few months concentrating on d I have gained weight too, I used to walk my dog every morning at 6am but then gave up because I had to supervise d B/F and then you get lazy!!!!
Now I am very mindful of my diet and d said the other night "how come your meal is so small" and I just explained to her that I need to get back to my diabetic diet or I will get sick and I don't want to take anymore drugs and she said "oh OK" .Even with no health issues you need to stay healthy and d needs to understand that.
When my d is at school I am having fruit and yogurt for B/F and salads for lunch then at night I can eat what d eats but less of it. It is hard for us too because we have eaten low fat healthy for years the only thing my d has stopped eating all together now is junk food!!! so how do you say "go on darling have some,chips and chocolate"! When I haven't eaten them for years.
As for my beautiful pup we walk everyday as soon as the kids leave for school and then I have my B/F. It can be done! don't feel bad about it just work around it!
You can do it!
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Stubbornmum
Mentor
Registered: June 06, 2008
Posts: 624
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 11:13 PM | Reply with quote | #5 |
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Dear Mighty!! (I know your tired but you are mighty)
I have gone through this and I ate EVERYTHING hoping my d would see me as a role model.
Now I am slowly regaining my genetic set point and health, so I have gained a lot through out this ordeal.
Firstly this ordeal will cause you to question a LOT about image, and ask if the world is as mad as you feel, I have come to relax a LOT about my body and the image and the fact that I am approaching middle age etc etc.
Yes demons will whisper in your ear also, talk to someone so you can deal with all the stress.
The initial stage is intense, and maybe you could find a way to get up early and get your walk in before the house awakes, or you can escape when your partner is home in the evening, or any other time your d is safe.
I gave up the exercise also and now I do regret it but I am now taking walks with my d and we do chat and enjoy it. (My d was a runner so this exercise is a step down for her)
I found it did help my d if we as a family ate the same meals or snacks but she did have the power shakes and Sustagen that I didnt and although we had resistance she did eventually have them also.
ED will pick up the differences in food and portions trying very hard to find wriggle room, but maybe you could let ED know that the food she required to eat is her medicine, that you do not require the same nutrition to fuel your body.
Be prepared for ED to possible fuss and cry but stand firm.
I also posted a recent story that was in the Age here in Melbourne, you are indulging yourself because fats have been proven to remap the brain the same way anti-depressants do, those choc treats (if thats what you like) will help you feel better and be able to be positive, so maybe be kind to yourself when under this stress and wind back later when things settle (and they will)
I have slowly returned to my genetic set weight and I am relaxed about the gain because my body tells my story the same as my wrinkles.
And like when we had our babies our bodies changed, my body changed rebirthing my d after ED and will change again as I move forward into life.
Do not feel ashamed you are a wonderful mum facing a horrendous diagnosis but you will overcome.
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ihavehopeUS
Mentor
Registered: Feb 05, 2009
Posts: 560
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| | Nov 30, 2009 at 11:42 PM | Reply with quote | #6 |
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MT - We are a family of 8. Five of us gained weight during refeeding. Only my 2 youngest (2 and 5) and myself were spared. My DH, 17, 12, and 8 year old along with AN 14 yo d gained weight. My 17 year old is not happy with me. She gained 10 #s during refeeding and then worked on a farm all summer and gained another 10 in pure muscle. She ran cross country this fall and lost 10. I have assured her that she will drop back down to her set point if that's where her body needs to be. But have told her she will NOT diet in order for that to happen. I was sure I was gaining weight during re-feeding due to the way we were eating and some stress eating. The scale was hidden so I never weighed during that time. When I finally did I hadn't gained a pound. I think the stress burned off the extra calories I ate. I'm a little worried about my 8 and 12 year olds. The 12 year old is a little on the chubby side anyway and is headed straight into puberty. Maybe she would have gained this anyway? I don't know. Take care of yourself but please don't feel ashamed for what is happening.
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LauraCollinsUS
Moderator
Registered: July 31, 2007
Posts: 4,036
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| | Dec 01, 2009 at 07:17 AM | Reply with quote | #7 |
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This is a WONDERFUL thing to bring up. Isn't it funny how voicing our secret fears can make us feel better - and then knowing that you are not alone makes us feel ever better!
This is the most natural thing possible and I think almost refeeding families faces it. To put it mildly, an eating disorder in one person can blackmail and pressure the rest of the family to eat in a disordered way. If we take it entirely out of the food arena we can analyze it. What if our kids had an illness that compelled them to feel terribly cold. In response, they wore 20 layers of clothes and could barely move or breathe. Part of the treatment for this clothing disorder would be taking off those constricting layers. Distressed and frightened and angry, our loved one might yell "Well, you're wearing layers, why don't YOU have to undress?" But since all you're wearing is a sweater over a t-shirt, because that's all YOU need, taking off your sweater would make you uncomfortable and losing the t-shirt would make you a nudist.
I know, it's absurd.
Eating more food than what works for you, and in a different proportion of fats/proteins/carbs than what works for you, isn't a matter of preference or body size - it is simply a biological mistake. You can't keep it up for long, because your body will rebel.
Now, all bets are off if the way you had been dressing before the over-clothing diagnosis was mildly or greatly disordered. And try to ignore the fact that all the magazines and morning TV shows are trying to shame you for wearing so few layers.
I overate when my daughter was re-feeding. I lost sense of my own fullness and physical comfort and metabolism. It took a long time to re-adjust and re-learn intuitive eating. I'd gladly do it again if that was the only way to save my daughter, but I'd avoid it if I was going to do it again. Eating normally is not restrictive or being on a constant diet. Eating normally and being active is a wonderful and healthy thing - and not about weight.
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midwestmom
Mentor
Registered: Sept 22, 2009
Posts: 292
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| | Dec 01, 2009 at 12:19 PM | Reply with quote | #8 |
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MightyTired,
I am so glad you had the courage to voice this issue out loud!
My d's illness coincided with my going on my "first real diet." I counted calories. I tried to teach the kids about "healthy eating." I eventually lost the 20 pounds I had gained since moving to a new city. That was when I realized that my daughter had lost 8 pounds, and was eating less and less.
I know I am not supposed to blame myself for this. I know now that there were other stresses at work in her life that contributed to ED. I also know that I have learned some valuable life lessons through all of this, and that one of them is to love your body in whatever form it happens to be!
During re-feeding, I have gained back about 5-10 pounds. My husband has gained 10 pounds or so. I also started running, so some of the weight is now muscle, and I can eat a little more. The exercise has helped tremendously with the stress, and with feeling better about my body. I am not as thin as I was, but I am much stronger physically and emotionally.
I do try and eat smaller portions when d is not home - more protein and some fats to keep me fuller between meals and unlimited veggies. I do not eat my breakfast with my d (but I don't skip meals either), as I am the short order cook and lunch maker. This makes it easier to keep up at dinner. My "grown-up" dessert is often a glass of red wine with dark chocolate (therapy for my brain!)
You are not alone! You may also want to check out this article of the good effects of gaining weight in middle to later age:
http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/2007/04/news-women-can-use.html
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Stubbornmum
Mentor
Registered: June 06, 2008
Posts: 624
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| | Dec 01, 2009 at 11:22 PM | Reply with quote | #9 |
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Midwestmom, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! 
My father who had a very large BMI, recently survived an infection after surgery that astounded the medicos, he has recuperated and gained strength because he was a large man before his illness. Well that just backs up my theory perfectly.
I love this forum it really picks me up when I struggle 
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pennysgirlUSA
Mentor
Registered: Nov 06, 2008
Posts: 1,783
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| | Dec 02, 2009 at 01:00 AM | Reply with quote | #10 |
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Me too, Me too!
Even though I am a regular runner for over 12 years, refeeding my D was more important than my routine. I pretty much stopped my routine for a good couple months and then a couple more followed before I regained the fitness level I worked for so long to acheive. For me, the running was about 'me'. It was my social life, my way to vent frustration, and my way to set a goal for myself and achieve it. It had stopped being a way to burn calories many years ago. But that means I also forgot that I wasn't burning extra calories and since I started wearing only stretchy workout pants (ironic!) when I put my jeans on... I was so - uncomfortable! I had no clue that I gained any weight!  I would just take them off again and put on more stretchy pants. I could not pressure myself to go on a 'diet' though. I don't believe in them and I just returned to my previous routine (slowly) and over time I believe I am back where I was, fitness wise and probably weight wise. I still refuse to weigh myself for the sake of knowing that number. My thought is that I feel good about myself right now. If that number is higher than I think, will that make me feel less good about myself? If that number is lower, will that make me try to maintain something in an unnatural way. I don't want to be locked in to a number, but I do want to feel good about myself. For me that means being able to walk up a flight of stairs or meet my friends for a morning run without wheezing. It also means that I feel comfortable in my (new) jeans (I decided the old ones always were too tight anyway!) 
Good luck to all parents on remembering to take care of your own needs. It is understandable that in the first couple weeks or months of refeeding we drop everything, but at some point we have to come back to square one and remember to keep ourselves mentally and physically healthy so that we CAN be there to care for our family!
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MightyTired
Registered: Nov 19, 2009
Posts: 10
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| | Dec 02, 2009 at 05:59 PM | Reply with quote | #11 |
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| Thank you all and especially to Laura for founding this wonderful forum. You are quite right about sharing and feeling less alone in this battle. This forum has been the best source of information and inspiration I have found. I am extremely grateful. |
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cjbSuffolkUK
Mentor
Registered: July 16, 2009
Posts: 1,900
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| | Dec 07, 2009 at 03:11 PM | Reply with quote | #12 |
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Hey there girl
About the walk - my d and I used to do the dog walk every afternoon. My solution - you can come on the work if you have an extra biscuit - it seemed to work - I am a great believer in bribery!
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girl14AusNSW
Mentor
Registered: Aug 23, 2009
Posts: 1,708
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| | Dec 07, 2009 at 03:41 PM | Reply with quote | #13 |
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Great idea cjb, I take dog cookies with me for the dog because she gets lazy sometimes and sits and needs a rest!!! so I bribe her, maybe it would work with my d!!lol I am a big believer in bribery!
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