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kangamum

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Reply with quote  #1 
New here, and thank you for the wonderful advice and support you give. Had our weekly weigh-in today and d lost 300gms, after gaining 3 kgs last week. I realise it seems unbelievable that she could put on so much weight in 1 week, an despite all the evidence in personal testimony on this forum do not believe she is cheating. I know right? Am I kidding myself? Simply cannot believe after all the months of struggle that I am so naive and easily fooled that she is purging in secret or adding weight to her clothes.

She has consistently gained week for 2 weeks, then lost weight the next. Sometimes she loses 1 kg, then gains it back but we are edging up the scale nonetheless. We are up almost 9 kgs since December, but her thinking is still so disordered, her moods erratic and she has body dysmorphia as well. She has begun to open up about her feelings in a small way, and overall things not going as badly as they could be. Which is small comfort.

H is pretty ineffectual, means well, talks the talk but forgets meals and doesn't seem to really believe what is happening. He has never remembered a meal is due in 6 months, not once. So I have accepted it is all on me, and that's how it is.

But losing weight this week, after all the cooking and shopping and planning and worrying and supervising is really getting me down. I don't always make d finish her meal, so feel it is my fault she has gone backwards. I take so much comfort and courage from all the ED warriors on this forum, but worry this will never be over. D really needs to gain another 5kgs I believe before she is approaching her correct weight and I simply cannot believe this is happening to our wonderful family. Thanks for the opportunity to vent!
teecee

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Reply with quote  #2 
Vent away kangamum! We all need a release especially when you feel your h is not on the same page. This illness splits families or at least tries to so early on its important that supporters come together. If h is struggling you did the right thing coming here as you will get fantastic support.

9kg since Dec is great. Keep doing what you are doing by increasing the fats in her meals. The fact that she is talking more in a small way is proof that you are doing the right thing.
This is no one’s fault. She is not going backwards. I haven’t heard of any sufferer having a straightforward recovery. There are always blips. No one is a perfect patient.

What a wonderful caring mum you are. Believe in what you are doing. She WILL get better if you continue. Calm, consistent, confidence with an abundance of compassion...not only for her but for yourself and your h.

Virtual hugs to you. Xxx
kangamum

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thanks Teecee for your words of support, so wonderful for me today. Adjusting to our new reality is made easier through the caring of fellow travelers on this dreadful road we find ourselves on. I will take a lot of comfort from what you have said x
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #4 
This is hard work. You are fighting a hero battle and doing really well. We all want it over faster and easier, but it will happen, she will get there. That 9kg is golden, you are over half way there. 

Try not to assign blame when things are not going well. It is normal to try and avoid conflict, however try to use that feed back about not finishing meals for example to power you on and tweak those areas that need changing. Sending some cyber hugs. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hang in there!  Truly this is a marathon & not a sprint...and you have made wonderful progress since December.

I was someone too who had a partner who wasn't able to supervise meals well, especially in the early days.  What worked for us was for me to shoulder all the meal prep & supervision & for h to pick up the slack everywhere else...and distract d after meals.  We had to play to our strengths, and h was simply not great at managing d's distress & the actual nuts and bolts of getting meals and snacks on the table & having them get eaten...

That said, if you are finding the meal prep & supervision overwhelming, try to figure out how you can get a break.  Are there other family members/trusted friends who could prepare some meals for the freezer, or anyone appropriate who could help occasionally with supervision?  Or can take on any other responsibilities you have at present so you can have a bit less stress?

Sending warm support,
sk8r31

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
tina72

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hi kangmum,
a very warm welcome from Germany and great that you are here although nobody wants to be member of this forum.
Please don´t apologize for venting, this is the right place here. No one else can understand what is going around in your head.
We have been (or still are) in your shoes.
You have really done a great job with regaining 9 kg since December. We needed more than 6 months for that.
The ups and downs with weight each week are normal. That does not mean that she must purge or exercise or hide weight in her clothes - it is possible that she does and you should exclude that, but it is also very possible that her metabolism needs in one week much more than in the other. We had everything from 2 kg weight gain to no gain at all to 1 kg loss with the same calorie intake.

"But losing weight this week, after all the cooking and shopping and planning and worrying and supervising is really getting me down. I don't always make d finish her meal, so feel it is my fault she has gone backwards. I take so much comfort and courage from all the ED warriors on this forum, but worry this will never be over. D really needs to gain another 5kgs I believe before she is approaching her correct weight and I simply cannot believe this is happening to our wonderful family."

Keep on going. You are doing the right thing and it is not your fault when she lost some weight this week. 300 g is not that much, it could be possible that she went to the toilet before weighing and it was only water in her bubble. Think about where you can add something for the next week and try to exclude that she is purging/exercising/hiding weight (we always weigh in underwear).
Try to get her finish her meals because it might be ED behaviour to leave a certain rest. If she is finishing most plates but only sometimes not, that is no problem. But if she always leaves a rest I would tackle that.

This will end. You are already in that tunnel and when you walk ahead you get to the light at the end. It takes time, yes, and it is exhausting. But with WR it will get better. My d was WR in Summer last year and we saw a big step forward in October around 4 months after WR and now again nearly one year after WR. The brain recovery takes time. All the false connection must be deleted and renewed. Our brain needs to do something a lot of times to re-learn a wrong behaviour.
If hubby is not helpful, do it alone. In some ways it is easier this way. We splitted up, too. I did refeeding and he was the person to distract and to be near with. Try to ask him to do something like that with her so you can care for yourself a bit. This marathon takes a lot of power.

Don´t lose hope. My d is 18 now and had her last day in school today. She is eating nearly everything again without problems. We still plate lunch but she does all the rest. She is the same lovely and happy girl again that we knew before ED. We are fighting as a team now and she is compliant to get help. Our relationship is even better than before. Our life is not the same as before ED (and will never be), but if it would stay this way and could cope with that. It is a different life, but not worser.

Tina72
kangamum

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thanks all for your words of support. I guess I am still struggling with accepting where our family finds it self in battling ED.
I can't believe some of the things h says to d, he forgets about the ED and says really foolish things. I then glare at him across the table, as d says, "sometimes the words stop but there is still a conversation going on"! Do I just ignore all that or try to "train" him in how to be a better carer? I resent having to do this, as it adds to my list of duties, but is it better in the long run for us all if he gets up to speed?

I can't banish him from the table in case he says something inappropriate. And possibly my reaction of glaring at him makes things as bad as what he said. I feel like I have to always be on guard, checking what I do and say to d to make our ED fight as effective as possible. We are both seeing a therapist seperately as we want to make sure we come out the other side intact. I have lost respect for him as I feel to a certain extent he has run away, rather than stand and fight by my side. He doesn't even remember to do the things he said he would, like ask d to come for short walk after dinner every night (she has never had the over-exercising part of ED, quite the opposite). I have to remind him. We have talked about this numerous times and he always is so sorry, but just seems frozen by it all. His own mother had a mental illness and we feel this is what is scaring him. Then I feel like an awful person Cause I'm not cutting him enough slack about that.

Really complicated stuff.

I take so much heart from your support, really I do and will battle on.
teecee

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Reply with quote  #8 
Hey kangamum

Your thread was me three months ago with my h. I came out of the diagnosis and said to the clinician that I didn’t have strength to fight ED when I felt I was also fighting my h and the fact that I felt he was being more of a hinderance. She said to me that we needed more than ever to come together as the illness will split and isolate everyone the sufferer cares about so that it can thrive.
I sat down with my h and told him honestly how I felt and that if he wanted his D to get better we had to join forces. We agreed that no matter how angry/upset/blamemaking had gone on before, that we must now be united.
Since then we found we have completely different strengths. He is practical and likes ‘pottering’ to relieve stress so he keeps the housework ticking along. When D is having a really low mood or the ED monster appears he fights it calmly with ques from me a to what to say/do practically. I do the food/feeding with him in the background in the event it gets tough. I do the reading up and liasing with school/professionals and pass info to him as he cannot absorb text on the subject.
Can you try to have an honest conversation with your h and work out where both your strengths lay? It will create a better environment for you all as a family.
Much, much love and strength to you and of course virtual hugs. It really does get better.
XXx
teecee

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Reply with quote  #9 
Remember COMPASSION above anything else...especially for you and your H. He is just as lost as you but you can come together as warriors for your D. You will be stronger for it. Xxx
debra18

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Reply with quote  #10 
Is it possible to accept that your husband might not be capable of helping and get support in a different way? Maybe there is a friend that can take your daughter for a walk?
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #11 

hi kangamum,
You are doing well. 9kg since Dec and continuing to go up is perfect. This is the direction you want. Now the 300 gm loss is nothing. The weight gain is not linear, unfortunately, so I know it is hard on you as you are really fighting ED. When you look at her does she look better and filling out? If so that is great, but as you know please be aware of "ED" tricks ie hiding weight etc. 
It is a harsh new reality for you and your family. It was for most of us. It is now just different and you will get back to a different and good normal. It just takes time.I would urge you to make her eat the last bite. I know it is hard and it will help her beat the beast. The more she knows you will help her especially the last bite. It has been said here that "ED lives in the last bite" to eat the last bite, it helps to defeat ED.

My H really had issues in the beginning. He does avoid. I think he was overwhelmed and did not have the words or behaviours to get help himself. To acknowledge how sick our D was at the time, would be too much to handle. He kept thinking that no matter what, she would not get better. He would say, "well that is her choice" It drove me mad.  Now i know that that was his fear talking. The fear paralysed him. So I had to remind him over and over again that feeding was her best way out of ED. He NOW gets it. He has helped in many ways at the beginning and he let me run the show. He did what i told him to do. He distracted her with ping pong, video games and netflix videos. It felt  although, at the time it was not enough for me, to be honest. When D yelled at the meals and threw things, it was always directed at me. So H would take over when she would act out and sit with her calmly, and I would lock myself in my room. I Had to lock the door as she would come and try to hurt me. It was awful. He could be more calm and she did not yell at him. Then she would eat.  

Please look up posts "fathers" there are a few. Unfortunately, there are not many fathers here, compared to the mothers. I really wish more would post with their perspectives. We need their voices here just as much as ours. 
Maybe he needs to be looking at these posts on this site. There are many resources here for him if he chooses. 
Keep asking questions many of us have been in the same place as you. 


XXX

food+more food+ time+love=healing--->recovery

teecee

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Reply with quote  #12 
I definitely agree we need more fathers voices. I really wish I could engage my h in looking at posts and commenting. I had to convince him to come along to counselling sessions and it was as though he felt better telling people he was there to support me as he didn’t need it. He most certainly did need it and he gets so much out of it. His input is invaluable. Incidentally he is the only male at the parent support group...such a shame. ED affects all members of a family.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #13 

I wanted to add
Recently H told me that I did a great job with D and that she looks "radiant" - She does and I DID THAT! I took that praise as I do deserve that and so do ALL of us.
Kangamum, you deserve the praise. Look what you are doing, you are saving her life!

XXX

teecee

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Reply with quote  #14 
scaredmom “Look what you are doing, you are saving her life!”

Absoflippinlutely!! Here, here...👏
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #15 
oh teecee, that brought me to sudden tears.
big hug
XXX
teecee

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Reply with quote  #16 
Oh I’m so sorry. I got a bit carried away with my support. I know what you mean...when you look at it like that, we are all fighting to save our kids in a society that doesn’t really accept the seriousness of our situations.
Virtual hugs back. Keep swimming! (That always makes me smile when Torie says it - just reminds me of Finding Nemo!!)
Xxxx
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #17 
no don't be sorry, it is a lovely kind thing to say- it is a bond we share. It just moved me (in a good way) as we really are saving lives and we are so connected emotionally if not geographically.
Thank you 

teecee

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Reply with quote  #18 
You’re welcome 😊
I just want kangamum to not be ‘so demoralised’ as she’s doing a fantastic job.
Take care xxx
kangamum

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Reply with quote  #19 
I am standing outside change rooms fighting back tears reading you wonderful women’s words. D is trying on clothes as part of her 16 birthday present and she is so happy, dancing to ABBA playing in the shop and her body looks closer to ‘average’ than it has for a long time. This ED trip is like a F/$&@ing roller coaster! From so low to high in one day. Thanks so much for being there for me, and us xxx
Kali

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Reply with quote  #20 
Dear Kangamum,

This illness makes us really savor the moments of joy when they start to appear after the long hard battle and I hope this is only the beginning of many more to come. You have done and are doing an amazing job helping her.

warmly,

Kali



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Food=Love
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #21 
Hi Kangamum,

I'm happy to hear your shopping trip went so well! You are so right that the ED trip is like a rollercoaster. Only we can understand how great seemingly ordinary moments can be for us.

I agree with the others here re fathers. They have different strengths and it does take some time to sort it all out. I did the nitty gritty refeeding work, while my h distracted d (as well as he could at that stage since my d would walk out of the room when he came in) and also spent extra time with our other daughter. He would also remind me if ED is slipping through as he could see the forest when I was just looking at the trees. Today they are very close again.

Wishing you all the best and sending plenty of hugs!!!!

__________________
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
teecee

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Reply with quote  #22 
Fantastic news re shopping! We haven’t managed to have a successful one yet so I need tips from you 😁
Keep up the good work!
Virtual hugs. Xxx
kangamum

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Reply with quote  #23 
After shopping took d to psychiatrist for first time, who thinks she has PTSD and that is driving low mood, which caused her to self-harm through food restriction, which led to her ED. As I said it's complicated. D had a good friend when she was 14, who she thought was a special friend, who sexually abused her. Unrelated to this, he killed himself at the age of 16, about a year after all this happened. She has been through a lot and we could not protect her from the cruelty the world can inflict on young women. Heartbreaking. Psych has proscribed an anti-depressant, which d is happy about. She is hoping it will make her all good again.

H and I are numb, but also hoping for a positive change for her.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #24 
Hi,
so sorry to hear all that, that is really hard stuff.
Be aware that anti-depressants might not help with underweight people, so focus on weight gain, too.
I hope it will help her, at least maybe as a placebo.
Tina72
teecee

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Reply with quote  #25 
It is complicated as a lot of our kids have complicated back stories. Thankfully she has good people around her to help her through it. This illness does make you feel numb but as has been mentioned...celebrating the little successes keeps us going, moving forwards.
Keep feeding her as Tina72 says - it’s so important. Antidepressants may only help her feel neutral the food will naturally repair the brain function she needs to get well.
Xxxx
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