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Francie

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Reply with quote  #126 
Interestingly, two recovered ED sufferers I met in Al Anon were the ones who were most straight with me regarding my d's struggle with recovery. They were the ones who told me 'your daughter has to want to get better before she can get better', and 'she's not ready to get better' and that I could do little to help her until she is ready to get help. My d is now 20. This would not be the case if she was younger. When she was younger my h and I were in a much better position to influence her toward recovery but we wasted some of that opportunity due to an inability to get on the same page, and fear (mine) and denial (his).
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Francie

AUSSIEedfamily

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Reply with quote  #127 

Alanon was a saviour for my mother and Alateen and Alanon helped me a huge amount. My father was never able to become free from alcohol and died just before his 80th birthday with the death certificate noting as a result of long term effects of alcohol. Unfortunately, so many experiencing alcohol difficulties do not arrive at a moment of realisation of they need to make a step along a different path. Dad went to AA several times and stayed away from alcohol for periods of time especially when he lost his licence because of DUI then he stayed dry for quite a while.

What Alanon did for my mother was to find ways of dealing with dad that enabled her to stay married to & live with the man she was madly in love with despite his at times horrendus and bad behaviour. Away from the booze dad was a most loving, inteligent and inventive man.

I would agree that there are parts of Alanon and Alateen that dont fit whats needed for eating disorders. The big part for me was the stuff on how to do separation from the illness so that when dads horrendus/bad behaviour arrived when he was drunk I saw the illness and not my dad and I learnt how control my responses and actions when dad was doing drunk stuff. That ability really helped me when our D relapsed it let me keep a clear head when crap was going down.

Alanon or Alateen wont help you to get your loved one into treatment but there are parts of Alanon & Alateen that will let you deal with the crap times, while at the same time allow you to keep loving and supporting your loved one and your other relationships. What they have will help you to fend off, deflect, and ignore all the verbal abuse/vitriol and other abuse that happens.


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mjkz

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Reply with quote  #128 
Francie, I came to that same conclusion.  I was going to support my daughter when she was ready but I was not going to save her from the consequences of her choices.  I had forced her into treatment for years and years and I was not able to keep her well.  It was only after she found out what the world was really like (i.e. when mom and dad weren't there to buy her out of whatever trouble she got in or bail her out when she made bad choices), she realized she needed to change and that was enough for me.  I don't know that she would ever have been really ready to get well but she was at least willing to try to do things differently. 

A friend from Al-Anon also told me that the best place can't save a person who isn't ready and the worst place can save a person who is ready.  I know that held true in our case.
wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #129 
Hi HEDWAP, 
I'm dying to know how you are getting on and if there are any bright spots for you.
Sending warm support and hope those cases of wine you bought are helping.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #130 

Can I first say that you are all the best?! Thank you for continuing to ask and care about our story even though I've been MIA on this site. I feel terrible - so many people give and give their care to me, and then I check out when I can't think about ED anymore. I'm back - thank you for your grace!

The bright spot is that my D is back in residential (what? how is that a bright spot?!) paying for half the deductible herself, paid for her plane ticket there, doing everything they ask of her, and with strong contingencies in place from her local team that she can only return to their care if she follows the residential protocol and all of it completely through to the end.

It's different this time - she asked to go and offered to pay. Feels she needed that level of care. First day she struggled to eat all of her meals there. Second day, she told my H that she was there to learn to eat again and so she might as well start eating. Ate everything. We were both quite amazed at her self-motivation, which was completely absent the first time. Her original team there took her back - she wanted to go back to them saying they helped her. We couldn't believe she said that after how she talked about them the first time, but she went back, apologized to them for wasting the opportunity the first time, and is now engaged. Going to all group things - trying, even when certain things don't seem helpful, to do everything and make the most of this.

She's admitted she's so tired of the ED but that it's roots run very deep and she's scared. She has a lot of self-hatred that she's felt since before the ED. That made me sad to hear. This was after two months of complete noncompliance, loneliness and depression here at home. We had to step back and just detach, knowing her team was on it, and no matter what leverage we used, she couldn't be moved. 

I've been going online to Al-Anon groups and will attend my first meeting on Monday, which I'm nervous and excited about. I'm also going to post here with a question for all of you - I've submitted an idea to a mental health blog for families and my suggestion was accepted! I'm going to write about the challenge of staying compassionate - and tips to do so - when your child doesn't want to - or can't - help themselves get well and stop their behaviors. In other words, how do we love well while staying well ourselves? Mental health issues have become a passion for me, and there's far too little out there to help us. So watch for my question posted and please share your thoughts if you choose! 😉 All names will be anonymous but I would love to include overall themes or comments in my article.

How are you all doing? I'm so grateful for your patience with me as I drop off the planet. I'm hoping now that my D is away for a bit to become more active here again and serve others, too. 

 


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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #131 

mjkz - 
I absolutely love that last comment - about the best and worst places. I am a writer and just interviewed a recovered drug addict and alcoholic who received treatment and has been sober for 9 years. My last question to him was - what would you say to someone still in addiction about recovery. He just said - "there's nothing I can say that will move someone to consider recovery. They will only listen when they are ready. It's your choice. I had to come to a place where I either chose recovery or didn't, but it had to be my decision.

He also talked about how treatment isn't fun. It's not meant to be, but when you really want recovery, you do it even when it's not fun. Even when you don't want to. Because it's about the long game. That recovery is doing things that are scary. That is part of recovery. Otherwise their addictions/behaviors keep them from living life.

I wish the 12-step plan was more accessible for eating disorder patients after they get to a stable weight. There seems to be so much good there. But like you said and he said - you have to want it for yourself. 


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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
eternalhope

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Reply with quote  #132 
Dear HEDWAP, thank you for the update! It’s an amazing testament to so many wise words spoken above. I know how you feel about feeling guilty for not posting when so many people are so giving of their time and advice. I feel the same way too when I go MIA. That said, I check this forum daily looking for updates on how people are doing and for more ideas and understanding (and compassion) for this hobbile disease. Thank you to everyone for
all of your posts and to the wonderful moderators. Your work is so important. Your idea for your blog is great. It is hard to be compassionate when your house is getting trashed and you see your precious child with so much potential making bad choices that will only make them sicker or prevent recovery. Lord knows I keep reading up on things I can do because it’s so hard. So happy to hear she’s engaged now. What a wonderful sign. I’m assuming she’s back at ERC in Denver, and I’m glad they were willing to work with her again.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #133 
I’m so glad to hear that d is invested in her own recovery.and that you have taken time to find resources to help you.thats more important than most people acknowledge.i hope that things continue to improve for you both🦋🌻
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Kali

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Reply with quote  #134 
Hi HateedwithaPassion,

Quote:
The bright spot is that my D is back in residential (what? how is that a bright spot?!) paying for half the deductible herself, paid for her plane ticket there, doing everything they ask of her, and with strong contingencies in place from her local team that she can only return to their care if she follows the residential protocol and all of it completely through to the end.


This is excellent news! I hope that she will make progress now that she seems to have stopped fighting the people who want to help her and is starting to have more insight into her situation.

Kali

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mjkz

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Reply with quote  #135 
HateED, that is absolutely wonderful news!!!!!  I was really hoping no news was good news from you and that has held true.

I hope this time is different.  Sometimes it takes things like getting kicked out and going back with a different attitude.  Also I've found my daughter often puts more effort and energy into things that she has to contribute too especially financially.  She hates to "waste" things and so paying for something she doesn't use or use well is just abhorrent to her.  Also it makes her an active part of the team.  She has more at stake now than before.  So glad to sign on and read this.

P.S. You can use 12 steps to keep them going strong when they come back.  My daughter did not only food addicts in recovery anonymous but also emotions anonymous.  Glad to hear you are trying Al-Anon.  If you try a group and don't like it, go to another group.  I can't suggest this loud enough.  Each group is different and individual.  Find a group you click with and find helpful and make that your home group.
Francie

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Reply with quote  #136 
Hi HateED,

 'We had to step back and just detach, knowing her team was on it, and no matter what leverage we used, she couldn't be moved.' 

Your voice is so strong in your post. I am very happy for you and your D. This is such good news. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Best of luck at your first Al Anon meeting. It will be fine. If the first one you walk into isn't a hit, try another one until you get one that works for you.

All best. XO


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Francie

wheresmywand

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Reply with quote  #137 
Hi Hate ED
Awesome news, a bright spot indeed!
Well done to everyone, this could be the one that does it - and it will nice to have your home to yourself without the drama as well.
Love the blog idea and will post something on that thread later

Best Wishes x
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