User’s Guide | Rules | Contact a Moderator | Registration or Login Problems? | Eating Disorders Learning Center | F.E.A.S.T.



Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content:
Register Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 5      1   2   3   4   Next   »
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #1 
My D has been in residential since end of Sept. She's been progressing, getting more freedoms as she continues to work through the program. She's been compliant, made friends, and while she misses us, she was doing ok. 

With freedom came opportunities to use ED behaviors which she did. She admitted it to us and felt miserable about it, the center caught on independently, and her therapist suggested going back to the most restricted level for a few days to get more support. She agreed reluctantly, and is now feeling betrayed by her team because they decided to keep her on the strict wing over the weekend without letting her have a say. Ha- giving an eating disorder patient a say in their level of care?? Goodness.

She has promised she will sign out AMA tomorrow. There's a 72 hour hold there, so she'll be free on Monday. She has a few hundred dollars in her checking account - that's all.

She's asked if she can come home if she leaves. We've said no - not until after treatment.
She's asked if she can stay with her aunt, my H's sister, if she leaves early. I've said not likely. 
She's asked me to transfer money so she can get an apartment. I've said no, I can't. 

She is texting me now saying she'll figure it out and call the bank, and she never wants to see us again. That she won't live with ultimatums. Etc. Etc. 

I know we are doing the right thing, but it's really scary. This will be the third or fourth time she's threatened AMA. And honestly, after having some distance from her, I'm ready to let her do it and let the chips fall where they may.   We just can't do it anymore. 

We've been supportive, validating, encouraging. We've really tried to be the opposite of the ED voice. I guess I'm not looking for advice but just sad tonight and feeling hopeless in the fight against this disease.


__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #2 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HateEDwithApassion
She has promised she will sign out AMA tomorrow. There's a 72 hour hold there, so she'll be free on Monday. She has a few hundred dollars in her checking account - that's all.

She's asked if she can come home if she leaves. We've said no - not until after treatment.
She's asked if she can stay with her aunt, my H's sister, if she leaves early. I've said not likely. 
She's asked me to transfer money so she can get an apartment. I've said no, I can't. 


Good for you to hold firm.  As hard as that must be, it gives her the best chance of making the right decision (to stay in treatment). 

I think there's a good chance when she calms down she will see that she needs to stay.  And even if not, there's a good chance she'll decide to embrace treatment when she has time to get acquainted with the alternative (financial independence when she's not ready for that).

Hang in there.  We're with you in spirit.  xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Kali

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 729
Reply with quote  #3 
Hi HateEdwithaPassion,

So sorry your daughter is threatening to leave AMA. Just curious: is she approaching weight restoration? Sometimes that increases anxiety and makes them want to leave. My d. begged to come home when she realized that the weight was really going to go on. I held firm and said she would be welcomed home when she had completed the program. At one point she said she would not continue in step down treatment after leaving residential and I mentioned that to her team and they worked with her very carefully on a step-down plan, which she also completed although she didn't like it very much.

You can let her know that you are not giving her ultimatums and you are sorry that she is experiencing what you are saying as ultimatums but what you are doing is encouraging her to stay in treatment so that someday she CAN be free to have an apartment, stay with her aunt, come home, go to college, travel, have fun times with friends, recover from the eating disorder, etc. And you understand that being in treatment is very hard but you hope that she won't give up on it. It is really the best gift she can give herself even though she may not realize it fully right now.

Can you get in touch with her team and let them know that you and your husband wish her to remain in treatment and ask them what they can do to make that happen? I'm sure they see this all the time.

After a month in residential, my daughter was still very very ill and in no way ready to come home or step down. It can take such a long time. Sorry you are feeling sad, it is very draining on a parent. Try to do something nice for yourself, retail therapy, warm baths, good books, going out with friends or your husband and doing something special, meeting with your own therapist, whatever can help you through this.

warmly,

Kali

__________________
Food=Love
EDAction

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 385
Reply with quote  #4 
HateEDwithaPassion,

My heart goes out to you.  What a terrible position to be in.  But though ED still has some control over your D, it can't be allowed to have control over your decisions.  It's easy for me to say from far away, but it sure looks like you are doing the right thing.  As Tori and Kali said you are giving her the best chance of choosing treatment and of having the life she wants one day.  I am sure it is so much easier said than done.  I hope you are doing alright today.  Thinking of you . . .

Keep us updated.  
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #5 
My D didn't sign out on Friday as far as I know. She is still there. But so angry at us and her team. She's in the most restricted unit right now, which she hates because she can't go outside or leave on passes. She'll probably be moved back to level 2 on Monday or Tuesday, but she said she'll never trust her team again.

She refuses to talk or text with us because "she doesn't want a relationship based on ultimatums."  Anytime she doesn't get what she wants, she cuts us out of her life, stops eating etc. It's very manipulative.

She is texting her sister, grandpa and aunts, but not her dad and I. She told us - through her sister -  to stop contacting her and do not make plans to visit her again.

After she told us she wants no relationship with us, she texted her sister and said the family hates her and has abandoned her... that no one is texting her. Huh?  So irrational.

I texted her today that I understood she was feeling hurt and betrayed because the last few days didn't go as planned, but that we are here, love her and miss talking to her. I figured that even if she rejects us, I wanted her to know we are not rejecting her. My husband called her and left a message. She has her phone right now but refused to pick up. When she cuts us out of her life, she really does.

I know this is the right thing, but it's hard. Would you guys still text her each day or give it a break? Has this happened to anyone? What did you do with a child who wanted nothing to do with you?





__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
melstevUK

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,606
Reply with quote  #6 
HateEDwuthApassion,

I have looked through this post again and I am trying to identify what exactly d is talking about when she refers to refusing to live with 'ultimatums'.  Noone has said 'you can't do this unless you do this' - so I would seek to explore that issue with her.  I would say that I know it is hard - but I don't quite understand what you mean when you talk about everyone giving you ultimatums.  And leave her to come back with more details

You have told her that it is hard but that you love her, but I think there are other things you can pick up on.

'she said she'll never trust her team again' - I would make a comment to the effect that, as hard as it is, and although she doesn't see it right now,  her team is keeping her safe. (underneath she will know that this is true but she needs someone to validate this)

Congratulate her on the fact that she was able to tell you that she had turned to ed behaviours again - that is a huge positive.

And I would also tell her that once she is back out of the restrictive setting - she will see her new friends again.

In this way you are - emphasising what she knows but cannot admit (team is keeping her safe); identifying steps in the right direction (calling you and letting you know that she was struggling and therefore showing honesty); focusing on the future (after this minor setback she will be back with friends, and so you show her just how insignificant this small 'hiccup' is, and that you are not shaken by it.)

It is incredibly tough in the face of this perceived rejection - but all the time you need to look at places where you can intervene to keep her moving along, and not letting your own emotions 'flood' the scenario.  I know just how hard this is - but with practice you will find it easier to dampen your own response and figure out the practical ways you can keep pushing her along.

You're doing great.  Hugs.



__________________
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #7 
Great that she didn't sign herself out. I am sure it is heartbreaking to watch and hear. 

When my D was in this place I found it helpful to remember that much of what she was expressing was exactly what her ED was saying to her. That is she can't trust anyone - trust her ED instead, she has been abandoned by everyone she is unlovable - a classic ED plot twist, push them away - they don't care about you. 

Given this I think the best thing is to be persistent but gentle in doing things that counteract the ED, that is still doing the texting, reminding her that you do love her, as Melstev has said, pointing out that her team is keeping her safe. Gently showing her the contradictions to those things that her ED is shouting at her. It takes time, and it will taking time for that ED voice to quiet down again, but it will. 

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #8 
It is so hard when they set up situations in which you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I like Mel's advice.  When my daughter did this (often!!!), I would text that I loved her and was still there when she was ready.  Hopefully her team can do some work with her.  One thing my daughter's team did that was helpful was recognize this sort of behavior as a way of telling them they gave her too much freedom too quickly and they set up expectations for how she could earn her freedom again.  #1 on that list was stop the passive-aggressive communications with other members of the family and address things head on.
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #9 
In our family session call on Thursday, we did express much of what you suggest, Melstev. We validated her hurt over the change her team made, we told her they are only doing it to be sure she has support over the weekend because they want the best for her, we told her we were proud of her honesty and recognizing the behaviors weren't helping her.  Since attending Family Days, I think we've done a much better job of staying calm and encouraging, especially my husband.

Bottom line is she's mad we said she can't come home if she checks out. Anytime we don't give her what she wants, she cuts us out or threatens not to eat while at home.

Unfortunately, we can't communicate any of these things anymore because She won't take our calls and I believe she's blocked me on her phone via text too.  Her sister now, too, which is new. I did send her a book of poetry through Amazon that I could put a note in, and she'll get in on Monday. Reiterated our love, that we are always here to support her, that we believe in her.

Foodsupport - thanks for the insight about what ED voice is saying - that she is parroting what she's hearing. That's interesting. I will keep that in mind. Mjkz - I think you are 100% right - she was getting too much freedom to handle. Thankfully, they are a buttoned down program, and they figured it out themselves and pulled back the freedoms.  

At least she's still there as of today, which is a win. 


__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #10 
Your beloved d seems to have boxed herself into a corner - I wonder how you could create a path for her of that corner without losing face.  Good idea to send her a book through Amazon.  Maybe have the unit ask if there's anything she wants you to bring in from home?  Is there anything at all she would admit she wants? (Hobby supplies, slippers, games, books, etc.?)  Does the unit have any ideas you could try?

Bottom line: I would keep trying.  (Well, of course I don't know what I would actually do, but from the luxury of my distant vantage point, that's what seems right to me.)

ED is furious that you are not willing to allow it to set up shop in your home - that's okay.  We don't want ED to like us.

The most important thing, of course, is that SHE STAYED THERE.  That's a huge victory.

IHEwaP: 1
ED: 0

Keep up the good work!  xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #11 
She's across the country and told us not to visit again, so we can't drop in easily, unfortunately. But I think you are right, Torie, that she's boxed herself into a corner and probably wants to reach out but can't do it without seeming that she's giving up control.

I'm not sure what more to do if we can't communicate at all with her. Maybe the book delivery will open up a dialogue of communication. I don't know.... Thanks for the encouragement.

__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
melstevUK

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,606
Reply with quote  #12 
I think Torie's right and that she has boxed herself into a corner.  I think mjkz's comment makes sense too.

Would it be worth phoning the unit and explain that you are not concerned by the fact that she has blocked you from your own perspective, but that in terms of her own needs it is a self-destructive thing to do, and ask if someone can address it with her?  Cutting off her family hurts herself more than you, it is all linked to ed behaviours and also to a lack of maturity and insight too.  Maybe one of the therapists can help her navigate this particular issue and find a way to get herself back on track.  

The book is a good idea because it will show her that you are still there for her.

A victory that she is still there though!  And an important one.

__________________
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #13 
Quote:
Would it be worth phoning the unit and explain that you are not concerned by the fact that she has blocked you from your own perspective, but that in terms of her own needs it is a self-destructive thing to do, and ask if someone can address it with her?  Cutting off her family hurts herself more than you, it is all linked to ed behaviours and also to a lack of maturity and insight too.  Maybe one of the therapists can help her navigate this particular issue and find a way to get herself back on track. 


This!!!  It is a very common reaction she has and probably one of the most self destructive in terms of her long-term recovery.  I would definitely let her therapist know and plan to address it at your next family session.  You might want to stress too that this kind of reaction is not acceptable for her living at home.  This is exactly what got her where she is now and not addressing it at this point is not in her best interest or your best interest. If she comes home to live, she is going to need your support and cutting you off is just a fast way down.

One thing my daughter just reminded me of (I'd totally forgotten I did this!!).  I shut off all texting features to her phone and asked family and friends (later when text was available again) not to interact with my daughter as long as she was shutting me out.  It forced her to either use me as support or even better, use the support of the program she is in.  You are paying a heck of a lot of money to have your daughter in treatment and she isn't using the supports there to get through this time in an appropriate way.  My daughter said it forced her to use the staff (she never did before at any program) or me even when she was so angry at me.  The rest of the family and her friends would tell her to use the staff if she texted in a crisis or texted to complain about family things.  She said she never would have changed that self destructive habit had I not done that. [wink]
hopefulmama

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,000
Reply with quote  #14 
HEWP-I can so relate to where you are. My d was 18 and in her second RTC when we experienced the same. She too was across country and had only been there about a week. My parents were going to visit and she was not given a pass to leave at all for their visit. In a family session she went on and on about how much she hated it there, how they weren't fair to her, etc. she also said she would leave. She only had a reloadable debit card with a few hundred dollars. She asked for a plane ticket home and we lovingly, but firmly said no. She asked to move to another facility and again, we lovingly but firmly said no. They did a hold and in the end she stayed. After about 24 hrs she did call back crying and apologizing for how she acted. There were lots of hard days that followed that day. But it was a turning point for all of us. It was the first time my h and I really stood up to ED. I think it showed my d how serious we were. I DO know how hard it is and much your heart is breaking.

Each child is different, but with my d it never helped to reach out too much. I would text her once and re-express your support, but then let it rest for a few days. I DO think it's a great idea to talk to her therapist and let her know she has cut you off. Once my d was in a better place and in recovery, we addressed this pattern of shunning people (parents included) who don't respond the way you want them to. Our wonderful family t worked with my d about "staying in hard conversations." In other words, when she got moved to more restrictive level she can learn to express her frustration, anger, even her disappointment in herself (which if I had to guess is the real emotion here.) She stays in the conversation and expresses herself rather than shutting down and shunning the people she is angry with.

This was especially an issue for my d with her dad. One time she was hurt by something he said (poor guy didn't even know what had happened) and didn't talk to him for 3 weeks!!!! She has learned how to "stay in hard coversations." This had been several years, but a few weeks ago something happened with a lifelong friend (because of ED she doesn't have many) and my d's feelings were hurt and rightfully so. My d talked to the girl and explained why she was hurt. In the end her friend apologized and they picked right back up. My d said to me, that she knew she wasn't going to lose her friend over it and knows the girl loved her, but just wanted her to know her feelings were hurt. I immediately thought how far she had come. Several years ago this issue would have resulted in a broken friendship.

Hang in there! You are doing the right thing!!

__________________
Enjoying my 21 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
Optimistic

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 328
Reply with quote  #15 
Hello HateEd

I'm posting a reply in case our story can help you. I know we've both been at this a long time.

Our story was a little different. Daughter was WR - for a short while she was overweight (for her) got depressed, refused help, dropped out of college, lost some weight. Always stopped the slide before it got too scary. Disengaged with life. Enrolled at community college and then stopped going to class - actually was pretending to go, but she wasn't.

We were desperate to break this pattern. We decided to hire an interventionist to bring her to therapy camp. She flat out refused. She left home and spent a night on the street in a nearby city. She reached out to us. We put her up in a hotel for the better part of a week and we said if she could find a place to live (a room) and a job, we would pay rent for a while.

Well, she found a place (I couldn't believe it because she had been so withdrawn) and a job. She's been working there for four months. Isn't quite managing rent but covering all other expenses. There have been crazy ups and downs but she is moving forward. I'm glad we did it. The best part is she OWNS it.

I know we are in different places but I wanted to share this with you. I really fight MY fear and I think it helps. Thinking of all of you.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #16 
Hey HateEd, how is it going?  Any breakthroughs yet?
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #17 
Hi,

Thank you for asking. D is still there - she did not sign out. Yay. She has been moved back to level 2, so she does have privileges back and got to leave on a pass today for a while, according to my dad who she is speaking with. She had a good day apparently. She is still refusing to communicate with her dad or I. I sent her the book of poetry - no response. I've texted her a short note each day. No response. I think I'm blocked on her phone now, so she's probably not getting them. I guess when she said she wants no relationship with us, she was not kidding. 

We have a family session next Monday by phone, if she even agrees. I did tell her therapist about her shutting down anytime we have a conflict and have to say no to her eating disorder. I brought up my desire to have a behavioral contract if she comes home.  I'm going to send some samples that others have shared on this forum.

So, she's still safe. She's still in treatment. She's still not willing to talk with us. I'm incredibly sad about that, but I have to accept it and just see what tomorrow brings. Thanks for checking in. 



__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #18 
I'm glad to hear she is still safe. I would talk to her therapist for a session next Monday even if she doesn't agree and I'm so glad to hear you are thinking about a contract.  That was going to be my next suggestion. 

You have a great attitude and I'm so sorry your daughter doesn't realize what valuable supports she has in you and her dad.  I hope that changes before she leaves.

I was disappointed in the place we are speaking about in that they allowed my daughter to play these games and never adequately addressed it.  I had to block her phone (cut off her phone and I guarantee she will call you to see if you paid the bill or not!!).  Already your experience there has been so much more positive than ours so hopefully they have plugged that loophole in their program.
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #19 
Thanks, mjkz for the suggestion to keep the family session no matter what. I hadn't thought of that - good idea. I hope my D participates, but we'll see.

I am curious what specifically you mean wasn't adequately addressed in your D's case - the passive aggressive response and shutting out loved ones? I'm not sure how this current response is being addressed with her since she's not talking with us. [frown]

I guess time will tell. This is the longest time we haven't spoken and also the longest time she's held a grudge. This from a child who was so easy to raise and really quite compliant and loving. I hate what this illness does to our kids. 




__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #20 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HateEDwithApassion
I guess time will tell. This is the longest time we haven't spoken and also the longest time she's held a grudge. This from a child who was so easy to raise and really quite compliant and loving. I hate what this illness does to our kids. 


It makes me so sad to read this.  But I remember others going through really rough patches in their relationship with ED kid and coming out the other side, so I'm confident you will, too.

Thinking of you. xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #21 
Quote:
I am curious what specifically you mean wasn't adequately addressed in your D's case - the passive aggressive response and shutting out loved ones? I'm not sure how this current response is being addressed with her since she's not talking with us. [frown]


Exactly.  I limited my daughter's phone because they let her completely shut me out (knowing she would have to come home to live with me-I was her guardian at the time).  When I talked to the staff about how this was a common problem and kept her sick, the response was well this is her choice!!!  No, this is her maladaptive coping strategy and it is keeping her sick.  It was like talking to a brick wall.
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #22 
Interesting mjkz. Thanks for sharing that. It sounds like our situation is exactly the same in terms of coping mechanism. And she's supposed to come home and live with us too. Zero communication for over a week.

I believe this shows her disordered thinking/black-white thinking is very strong. Emailed her therapist about it - hope it's handled in our family sessions in a way that's stronger than what you experienced.

She contacted other relatives and asked them to communicate to us she's moving to PHP and needs money for the apartment. 
Both relatives told her she has to call us herself. She got mad and has cut them off now too - and one of them is her younger sister who does not deserve this.

Does she really believe we don't want to help her? Is she even getting better if her thoughts are so extreme about us?  Is this manipulation instead? I'm baffled by this extreme reaction.


__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #23 
Quote:
She contacted other relatives and asked them to communicate to us she's moving to PHP and needs money for the apartment. 
Both relatives told her she has to call us herself. She got mad and has cut them off now too - and one of them is her younger sister who does not deserve this.


I have to applaud your family members for refusing to play this game of passive aggressive communication!!  Her younger sister doesn't deserve to be put in the middle of her struggle with you and her dad so in some ways I'm relieved she has cut her off.  That's a lot of pressure for her younger sister who doesn't deserve to get caught up in her sister's pathology right now.

One way or another she will have to communicate with you. I would hold fast until she actually calls you herself and asks for what she needs.  My daughter didn't call me until I cut off her phone and then all of sudden she couldn't call fast enough.  I hope they do address this with her. I'm sorry she is still pulling this with you because you and her dad are her best supporters for long term recovery.

My guess is the next person who will call to try to get the money from you is her therapist (exactly what happened to me).  I refused until my daughter called to ask herself.  That is what I mean by how much they didn't address this communication style.  I was appalled that a therapist would call and ask me for something like that knowing my daughter wasn't speaking to me.  They have a huge hole in their program when it comes to addressing this kind of stuff.  I hope they treat you as a family better than we were treated.
HateEDwithApassion

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 400
Reply with quote  #24 
mjkz,

First of all, thank you! For continuing to share your experiences and be a support. I'm so grateful. This is a scary and lonely place to be right now. 

I'm sure the therapist will call vs. my daughter. Here's my thought - if we say we won't fund the apartment unless she calls herself, she will use that as an easy excuse to 72 out of partial. We wouldn't let her come back if she did that, but I believe her thinking is so destructive and messed up right now, she would make horrific choices. She is looking for reasons to quit - reasons to believe we have abandoned her, and I don't want to give her any.

I would rather she stay in therapy there, even if not perfect, than give her a reason to bail totally. It would give us time to tackle this in family sessions and create a contract that she would have to agree to before coming home.  

I don't know - this may not be the right approach, but I never know for sure. We told her she can't come home until she's discharged from therapy the right way - so I want her remaining in that therapy. Her family therapist was gone so we were bounced around - all were good but not consistent - and she's now back and they are meeting today. We talk as a family on Monday.

Would you transfer most of her money out of her account preemptively so she can't leave easily? She has a sizable amount from working that would allow her to live on her own for a while. It's her money, so I feel conflicted about it, but it would also make it easier for her to make extreme choices.

__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
tina72

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 409
Reply with quote  #25 
Hi,
we are in the same situation about age and I can tell you, we emptied some of our ds accounts because we must keep her in contact. It is hard and people without Ed in the house will not understand that, but if she had another severe brain illness you won´t let her throw her money out of the window, won´t you? I think she will be glad that you saved it for her when she is better. Put it on an extra account so she can see it is still there and you didn´t take it for yourself.
Try to get some agression aout of that whole communiaction. Can you write her an "oldfashioned" letter? Tell her that you love her and that you would support her to realize all her dreams, but that you won´t support ED to let her die of starvation. If she wants to have an appartement and her life back, you will sign a contract to support her with that if she let you help her with ED. Try to work with reward instead of punishment.
I think cutting up her phone is a really good idea. She doesn´t want to talk to you? So why should you pay for that phone?
Shit, this is so hard. Nobody deserves to stand what we have to. I send you a big hug. Stay consequent. You are fighting ED and not your d.
Tina72
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

F.E.A.S.T. Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders
is a 501(c)3 charitable organization committed to maintaining the Around the Dinner Table forum as a FREE service for any caregiver of a loved-one with an eating disorder.

P.O. Box 1281 | Warrenton, VA 20188 USA

US +1 855-50-FEAST | Canada +1 647-247-1339 | Australia +61 731886675 | UK +443308280031 

This forum is sponsored by F.E.A.S.T., an organization of parents serving parents and caregivers of patients of all ages with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. Information and advice given on this forum does not necessarily represent the policy or opinion of F.E.A.S.T. or its volunteers and is meant to support, not replace, professional consultation.

F.E.A.S.T. is registered as a nonprofit organization under section 501(c)(3) of the United States Internal Revenue Code.

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Community Rules | Forum Rules | F.E.A.S.T. Principles | YMadmin | WTadmin
Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content: