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staystrong4long

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hello all. My d is restricting, not sure how much she has lost but she is weak and nearly collapsed, white as anything a week ago. we are in London, and she has been seeing a clinical psychologist at CAMHS , only about 5 sessions so far. Earlier this week we tried to convince her to agree to a psychiatric ssessment and she refused. Last night I messed up and tried to convince her to finish her meal, (she has increased her food this week following a deal made at CAMHS) but I just pushed her too much, I guess, and this morning she was still angry, went to school with no breakfast and told me all deals were off because I cannot be trusted and now she will eat when she feels like it. She has been having a banana and water for breakfast for the last few weeks and I pack her lunch but I am not convinced she eats it. She eats half of my size portion for evening meal and had started to refuse a couple of evening meals which prompted CAMHS to ask to do a psych assessment. How do I convince her to agree? I feel like we are waiting for her to collapse, but CAMHs are saying there is nothing to be done except try hard not to alienate her or it will be more difficult. She is very resistant to communicating at all about anything, but the only hope that she will open up in her sessions.
I feel like we are just completely at her mercy and she is dictating everything as we live in fear of what she will do next. I know this is what eating disorders are about but I read all the posts and it seems that either parents or medical professionals are in control in some way. It feels like my d is completely running this show, and I don't know what to do or what to ask for or what to insist upon or even who to ask.
I'm sorry for the length of the post. I'm pretty desperate.
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #2 
Welcome staystrong4long, though sorry you have a need to be here.  I hope you will find the peer support illuminating and helpful.

Dealing with a loved one who has an ED is terrifying indeed.  Especially when you feel they are running the show, and you KNOW that has to change.  It is such a steep learning curve to read and absorb information about this illness and to find the best evidence-based care available.

I'm not sure if you are working with other ED services through your CAMHS team, but truly you have got to change things up quickly, in order to help your d.

The little she is eating is extremely concerning, and you are right to think that she may be on the verge of collapse.  She should be seeing a physician at least weekly at this point to monitor orthostatic blood pressure (taken standing, sitting & lying down with 2 min interval in between), heart rate, along with weight of course.

As you may have read, many families take a 'life stops until you eat' approach to helping their loved ones consume enough calories for weight gain and recovery.  That means no school until and unless breakfast is eaten, and other forms of leverage, according to age & stage...no phone, use of car, socializing etc until meals/snacks are eaten. 

This you will tailor to your own situation and can tweak with trial and error.  It is important that you & partner (if there is one) are on the same page with the requirement of full nutrition, & how to manage that.  There are lots of threads about how different parents/carers have managed refeeding, and whether there has been a hospitalization for medical stabilization, or a stay at a residential facility to get the recovery process started.

Our family's journey began with my 14 yo d wanting to 'eat more healthfully', which ultimately resulted in a hospitalization for medical stability within 4 months.  It took us a long time to find good evidence-based care and for my h and I to learn the skills and tools required to help our d on the road to recovery.  

Happily, our d has been recovered for some years now and living a full and rewarding life.  Recovery is possible; however, I remember so well the terror I felt at dx, and the challenging time through refeeding.  The support of peers was a huge factor in the success we experienced in helping our d to recover.

Hang in there, ask lots of questions, read through the resources section of the main FEAST site.

Sending warm support,
sk8r31



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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
frazzledmum

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi there, we are in London too, you're lucky as there is access to good care if you are pushy enough. I would strongly recommend  that you encourage your d to have a clinical assessment with the psychiatrist as they can refer her to the relevant eating disorder team. As far as I know (could be wrong here) there is one for the north, south, east and west areas of London, you'll probably need to travel to central London.  My D is the same as yours, if we try to push beyond any deal made in our sessions, she revolts and we are back to square zero, not helpful I know, but we are in the same boat (she was eating only a yogurt and kiwi fruit for breakfast, probably binning lunch and less and less for dinner). If she is determined, strong willed, stubborn and defiant usually (pre anorexia) be careful about magic plate, we did that and she took an overdose, so maybe warn her first... How old is your D?
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #4 
Welcome to the forum, so sorry that you have had to find your way here. 

I am very concerned about your daughter. Is she having any medical oversight, with your GP for example? If she is weak and faint she should not be attending school, and she may need urgent hospitalisation. 

Since you are in London I would urge you to print out and take the medical guidelines here to your GP. Without trying to frighten you heart failure and death is a complication of this illness: https://www.kcl.ac.uk/ioppn/depts/pm/research/eatingdisorders/resources/GUIDETOMEDICALRISKASSESSMENT.pdf

It is also worth looking up these guidelines as well, again UK based - Junior Marsipan

ED always wants to run the show, it is the nature of the illness. It is common for ED to bully everyone into doing its bidding, often by blackmail. Because or if you do this then I will do this. You cannot negotiate with a terrorist, nor can you negotiate with ED. Be clear about what you think should happen, then work towards making it happen. If her eating disorder makes her eat less in response to you requiring her to eat more, this is the eating disorders fault not yours. 
I would recommend taking her out of school, insisting on urgent medical assessment if this is not happening. Ideally don't give her a choice. 

Have a read through the Hall of Fame for some tips about getting things started. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hi and welcome!
How old is your d?
Not she is dictating your life, but ED. That is totally normal and will only stop if you get in charge. No breakfast, no school. No lunch, no social things. Life stopps. Our d first saw that ED is making her loose everything when we stopped all social things, sports, school. She was not able to do all this in her state of being underweight. When she saw that she cannot do anything without eating and that she will get a tube if she doesn´t eat herself she was compliant to do magic plate. She must know that eating nothing is NO OPTION.
It is too dangerous if she might collapse somewhere. She may be already too sick to got to school. Make her see a physician and check all of her body state. She may need to go to IP if she doesn´t eat at home. 24 hours without eating is a situation for ER. Be aware that she might stop to drink, too. That is even more dangerous.
Don´t wait for her to collapse. You have to do something quickly. Waiting is wasting time. Some time without school is no drama. My d was out of school for 3 months and it was necessary. It did not do any harm for her.
Ask whatever you need to know, here are a lot of very nice people with a great treasure of wisdom and thousands of really working tipps.
Tina72
staystrong4long

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Reply with quote  #6 
Thankyou for your responses, i read them before my CAMHS appt, particularly the links, foodsupoortAUS, (my husband and I see someone there for weekly support) and it gave me the strength to insist we move forward and not just 'wait and see'. The next step is now that they will consult with the psychiatrist as I have stated that I won't get d to attend an assessment and then hear a psychiatrist say they cannot help if she is not willing, and I am very sure she will not be willing. I have explained that I feel they are not helping but almost enabling her and I think they have heard that. Apparently they will refer her to the Tavistock, probably. Has anyone had any experience with them? I know they are the leaders in adolescent mental health but it does not necessarily mean with eating disorders..... I also found out that although 18 is the age of consent/adulthood, if any young person, particularly after 16, is able to state their wishes logically and sensibly (I forget exactly how it was worded) and seems to make sense, then it can override parental consent. The area of eating disorder is a grey area because there is obviously the issue of physical health. i made it clear that in terms of her recovery, I would find it detrimental to her welfare/recovery to have any professional undermine me in allowing her to make her own choices and therefore would rather find someone/somewhere else than have that happen.
She is 16 tomorrow. I feel so so sad that this will be forever imprinted on her life as a 16th birthday memory.
Events escalated today when we were at CAMHS and my younger d texted me to say she thought that d was not in school. We phoned the school and there was a small misunderstanding, she was there, but it has meant that they now know about some of the issues, which is a huge relief for me. But she was due to go on a trip on Monday and now they will not allow her to go unless CAMHS say she is fine to go. The added condition from me is that she has to agree to eat this weekend or I will not allow her to go. I know that this is not ideal, but I am also aware that it is very true that she will completely disengage if we don't allow her to go on the trip or at least allow her to have a go and see if she will eat enough.
Thankyou all, for taking the time to post responses, it has really helped me strengthen my resolve and fight for d.
Frazzledmum, i am sorry we appear to have much in common. I think you are right about magic plate in terms of d, it will not work. I want to work out how we will refeed her though, because FBT makes sense to me, and i said at CAMHS that I am expecting some professionals to get on the same page as me and support me through supporting her. I have another appt on Tuesday for feedback after today, so I hope that we can just get through the w/e.

EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #7 
Your d needs immediate orthostatic blood pressure test to check if her heart is compromised. What kind of trip is it on Monday? She shouldn't have any exertion (like walking). 

If her medical condition is judged satisfactory, then you could use the trip as leverage for eating--BUT please know that most ED kids need very short-term leverage. Eating Saturday afternoon for a Monday trip just isn't something to expect. Maybe, however, you can talk her through weekend eating in a positive way: "Just imagine yourself with your friends on the bus tour!" I found that my punitive-negative approach ("if you don't eat this, you won't go") was nowhere near as successful as positive-forward-looking support ("Eat this so that I will be able to give my ok to you going!").

ED will make your kid lie, postpone, etc. It's not her fault, truly. She is somewhere inside grateful if you take charge. You won't see it for a long time but it's there. 
Doitagain

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Reply with quote  #8 
Hi - I am in London. D recovered (!?!!!). If I can help you navigate the "system" please just private message me. It's a difficult age. Happy to talk on the phone as someone who has been through private and NHS, CAHMS (hopeless) and adult services, but we got there in the end x
Torie

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Reply with quote  #9 
Quote:
Originally Posted by staystrong4long
She is 16 tomorrow. I feel so so sad that this will be forever imprinted on her life as a 16th birthday memory.


Many / most here have found that their ED-kids don't remember the worst of times, at all.  

Sucks that she is so ill for her 16th birthday, but on the bright side, getting the help she needs is the best gift she will ever get.

Keep swimming.  xx

-Torie

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tina72

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Reply with quote  #10 
16 is not so bad because she has some time to get legally adult and you are still in charge.
And yes, she will forget most of it. Don´t worry about that.
It is good that school is involved now, get them into the boat, they can help a lot. Maybe she has do get out of school or on a lower timetable for some time. Is she eating lunch in school? Is there someone who could supervise that or can you go there for lunch?
Don´t give up the magic plate too soon when you never really tried it. I thought it would not work, too, and my d is nearly 18. But we found a compromise and we have magic plate for lunch and it is working great. To take away the pressure of decision reliefs the patients and she is eating completely relaxed then. The other meals I monitore now and give just advices if it is too low calories. But my d is WR now.
You will not see a weight gain if you don´t get in charge for meals because she won´t make good decisions for that because she is not able to. There is somebody sitting in her head and set a gun against her if she eats anything with more calories than water. You will not be able to refeed her if you let her decide what and how much to eat. If she had cancer you would not let her decide what and how much chemotherapie she needs...
Try to use the day trip as an incentive but stay hard when she doesn´t eat at the weekend. You need to be consequent now. Your words must be written in stone. You must be her rock. ED needs a tough battler...
Tina72
staystrong4long

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Reply with quote  #11 
It is so reassuring to be able to post here and have guidance.... thank you so much, all of you. Please know that I am taking in everything and slowly understanding how much she has manipulated us, even if we are not able to imeedaitely act upon it. My plan is to allow CAMHS to try to organise the psychiatrist/medical input and if that fails then I will get in touch with the GP. We are new there, and I have no idea what any of the Dr's will be like but I am determined to get a team of people to support through refeeding.
The school have allowed her to go on the trip (mon-wed) as long as she is eating this w/e and also agrees to sign a list of conditions that they will email this w/e. I will allow her to go only because I suspect she will eat whilst away, it is apparently quite a bit of walking but she is so eager to not show any of her weaknesses to her peers and teachers that I think she will be exhausted but will eat enough to cope. The alternative is to keep her home and I am sure she will absolutely refuse to eat as a result. It makes me cry to say this but she is so nasty at the moment, there is a very mean and aggressive side to her and even when I said last night to her that it is the ED talking, she told me that she IS the ED and therefore I should stop talking about it as if it is someone else. Everything I now say about the ED is about her and she cannot move past the fact that I have said such awful things about her. My husband and I have been taking turns at being the victim of her wrath for the past few days and we are both completely at rock bottom.
Whilst I had moments of feeling like I would give up yesterday, I have seen her eat half an avocado for breakfast and she has agreed to spend tonight with us, (last night she told me this family is toxic and she would do everything in her power to make sure she spent her birthday out of the house. I cried a lot....for all the things I wanted to shout back at her, but couldn't.)
I think at some stage it might be that we have to take her out of full time education but we are not prepared to fight her at this stage with no support as I am very sure I will lose. I am hoping the school/profssionals that we involve will support us to make deals with her and then it can incentivise her to eat because if she had no school now she will shut down and refuse everything.
EC mom, I realise that everything we are doing is going against what you advise, but at the moment she will not agree to come to the doctor or A&E or CAMHS for tests, and it would end in violence. I am hoping that CAmHS will have a plan so that we can either trick her or bully her into seeing a psychiatrist/medical and then we can go from there.
Torie, it is so reassuring to hear that she might forget all the detail of last night....even though I think I will struggle to. We are worn down. I don't know how parents have kept up with the strength day by day. I really worry that we will break before she comes through...
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #12 
It is really tough dealing with this illness. There is no easy way through it. We all say things we later regret, or do thing we realise we shouldn't have. 

From what you saying she is eating very little, and I am concerned that she is not medically fit to be going anywhere with the school. Even though she may eat while away it may not be fair to the school for them to have responsibility for making sure your D eats enough. If they are concerned what will they do? 

It is normal for her to angry and lash out, and to threaten not to eat if her eating disorder is challenged. The scary part for us parents is that we need to challenge it. Most of us have found naming eating disorder behaviour unhelpful in older children. They often strongly identify with their eating disorder and any criticism may be seen as personal rather than of the ED, and they often really struggle to see themselves as separate for a very long time. My D has been ill for seven years, and only in the last few years has she been able to name the thoughts and ideas of her ED as something separate. If your D needs to go to A&E or CAMHS I think it is important to let her know that it will be happening. It you think it will result in violence, some parents have contacted the police prior to forewarn them of the situation and her degree of mental illness. Others have also called an ambulance to take their child to hospital, others have physically had to put their child in the car. She needs to be aware that it will happen, and often once there is a clear plan from which she knows you will not back down no matter how much she kicks, screams, punches or anything else,  the resistance is less. Unfortunately this can be hard core parenting. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi,
here are my two cents:
Try to get help from CAMHS but be aware that you might be confronted with old fashioned therapists who do more harm than help. If they do not help you to get in charge for her food intake - run. If they try to separate you from your daughter or tell you you are bad parents or there must be something wrong in your family - run.
Try to have a plan B at every time. Isn´t there a FBT specialist in your region? http://www.maudsleyparents.org/findtreatment.html

A 3 day trip with school is surely not a good idea if you think she might collapse. If you need to keep her at home because she didn´t eat this weekend and she then refuses to eat at all that is a case for ER. She has to learn that not eating is no option. She has to learn that social life and school is only to have with eating.
If school is important for her, lets see if it is more important than ED. If she would eat to be able to go to school, thats great. But I think she will try not to eat and go to school. ED must learn that you mean what you say. Inside she wants somebody to stopp ED. She is not able to do this alone.

I know what you feel about her being nasty and mean and agressive. That is horrible. But that is not your d. And it helps nothing to discuss that with her. That is ED talking and she is not able to separate herself from ED now. You have to stand this. It is getting better with refeeding. My d didn´t say thanks or something nice to us for months. The ED has crushed her center of compassion in her brain. But that will also come back. Now with WR my d is saing thanks for everything. [wink]

You have to be her rock. If that means you are the victim at the moment, so what. It is not your d you are fighting. It is ED. And you will need a lot of power to resist ED. You must be on the same page with your husband and stand together as a rock. You are her mirror. If you lose control or hope, she will lose hope.

Please don´t give up hope. EDs are a damn and severe illness but they are treateble. And you do not need to go far or have expensive medicine, it is all in your fridge. It is that simple: food is the only medicine. If she eats enough, she will come back. There is no other way to get ED out of the house.

Can you get a family member or a friend to help you? Can you discharge from work for some time? It will be difficult to keep her in school and to have 5-6 supervised meals and snacks every day. She will need to eat a lot and regularly to get the weight back. It is much more difficult to gain weight than to lose it.

Don´t give up. You can do this. We all did it. It is hard. It takes a lot of time. But you are her only hope. If you don´t help her, nobody would.
Read Eva Musbys book, you will find a guideline through nearly every situation you will get into the next weeks. Read every book you can get about FBT. It works.
My d was 3 months in a timewaisting IP in Germany with no progress. We started FBT completely on our own with just the support of this forum. We found a FBT trainer to help us. Now she is back in school (she missed nearly nothing), has done her driving licence, has a boyfriend and plans for the time after school is finished next year. She still has some fear food but she is able to eat meals completely on her own. She is mentally back again and 95% our old d. There is still a way to go but I didn´t think this will be possible 6 months ago. I am now convinced that a full recovery is possible.
Send you a hug from Germany. Try to do something nice with your husband. You will need a lot of power. You can be the rock for each other.
Tina72


tina72

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Reply with quote  #14 
Just some thought to add:
Waiting for therapists to help is something which waisted a lot of time for many of us. It is great when you get some help but don´t wait.

Start refeeding asap. You will have to do it on your own anyway. No therapist will help you 24/7. So there is no time to wait. You have to find that way to make her eat. Even if she gets into IP first, they will discharge her at one day x and you have to do it at home. Try something that she can deal with (maybe a yoghurt) and put extra cream or canola oil in it. Make sure she doesn´t see it [wink]. Put it on the table and demand that she eats it. Tell her that you are now in charge for her meals until she is healthy enough to do this again. This is your condition to stay in school. If that works, go on with the next meal. Try to get 3 meals and 3 snacks into 24 h. Try to get as much into her as you can. Put butter, cream and oil in everything. She will need a lot of that.
If she refuses, go to ER. If she is violent, call 911 or the police. This is a life threatening situation.
Tina72
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #15 
Hi there,
It may help you to separate your D from the illness. The illness has control of her and she did not choose it and cannot stop it. Her brain is  "broken" and she cannot understand or think straight until she is fully re-fed and well into recovery. Here are some videos.
http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/parent-to-parent-what-we-wish-we-had-known-videos-9306701?pid=1300202120#gsc.tab=0

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
melstevUK

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Reply with quote  #16 
Staystrong4long,

Welcome to the forum.   I am so sorry for what is happening but I am glad you have found us because this is the best place on the internet for getting the information and support you need.  At the moment you and your h will clearly be in a state of shock at what has happened to your d and unfortunately nearly every parent or carer realises there is an eating disorder going on only when it is really very established.

While your d is living with so little nutritional intake, every single day her brain is becoming more compromised, not just her physical state.  Try and ignore all her verbal attacks and not let them hurt you.  This is very much the illness speaking and it is if she has been taken over by a demon.

What must happen right now, immediately, is to get her on to a three meal three snack structure.  I would not hesitate to tell d that you are aware that she is extremely ill, and that you will not stand by and watch her get worse and worse.  Explain to her that she needs to learn to eat at home with you, because otherwise she will be eating in hospital.  I would also tell her that the more weight she loses the sicker she will get, and that this illness has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness so you will not tolerate her refusing to see doctors or specialists any longer, and you are going to ensure that she is going to start eating and returning to wellness.  You have to show your d that you are bigger and stronger than her anorexia nervosa and that you mean business.  Do what it takes, call the police or an ambulance if she gets violent but ensure that you get results.

I agree with EC_Mom that she needs medical monitoring.  Her intake has been so low and probably for much longer than you realise, so if you do nothing else, get her to the GP to get her heart and blood pressure checked.  I would not agree to any school trips away from home at this stage.  I don't believe that anything will motivate your d to eat as she should right now and she will just use the situation to avoid eating, and there will be no staff understanding or realising the seriousness of the situation to challenge her properly if she does not eat enough.  They will think she will be fine if she has a yoghurt because they won't realise how long she has been restricting.  I may be wrong but they don't just have your d to think about, she is one of many.

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to start reversing what is happening now - she will very quickly go downhill and could need hospitalisation before you know it.  This level of restriction leads to severe weight loss quickly.  As she is already under CAMHS, I would phone and express my concern that she needs to see someone as quickly as possible and if they are referring her to the Tavistock you want an appointment immediately.  Emphasise how little she is eating.

It is no longer a question of trying to keep her engaged - you have to create a situation where you take back control of her health, scary as this may seem.  But if you and your h can stay on the same page and work together as a team, you will have a much better chance of creating a new routine.


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Torie

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Reply with quote  #17 
Quote:
Originally Posted by melstevUK
\I would not agree to any school trips away from home at this stage.  I don't believe that anything will motivate your d to eat as she should right now and she will just use the situation to avoid eating, and there will be no staff understanding or realising the seriousness of the situation to challenge her properly if she does not eat enough.  They will think she will be fine if she has a yoghurt because they won't realise how long she has been restricting.  I may be wrong but they don't just have your d to think about, she is one of many.


So true.  And not only will they think she will be fine if she eats a yogurt, they will also think your d actually ate the yogurt even if she secretly dumped it out. This vile illness is incredibly perverse.

I wish I could disagree with those saying this trip sounds dangerous, but I can't.  Your d will need to regain every kilo she loses, and regaining the weight just gets harder as her weight drops.  So sorry.

Hang in there. xx

-Torie

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EDAction

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Reply with quote  #18 
Dear staystrong4long,

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  My heart goes out to you. 

Our D was diagnosed with anorexia about 2.5 years ago, at 14, and is doing very well now.  

First . . . as others have said, your D must have regular medical monitoring.  There is a list of serious medical complications that can arise.  The problem is that she's too big and strong as a teen.  If she was a belligerent toddler you would just strap her into the carseat and take her to the doctor whether she wanted to go or not.  I did not have to deal with this issue, but many on the forum have.  And hopefully once you pull out all the stops (threats of LSUY go to the doctor, bribes, ambulance, police) to get her to the doctor the first time, it will be easier the next time as she will know you mean business.

Second, you are making progress.  I know you are working on assembling a team of professional support.  And you are educating yourself.  (Have you read Locke & LaGrange's "How to Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder"?  It's a great place to start.  The list of serious potential medical complications is in this book too.)

And you are starting to deal with ED at home.  I know you are doing this without professional support yet and that has to be daunting.  When we started refeeding we had a psychologist who specializes in ED to talk to for our own support.  It was very helpful to have a knowledgeable professional to check in with, to support us, give us advice and encourage us.  In the beginning we needed her to have the plan for us.  As we "got our legs" we took more control.  Maybe while you are getting the doctors sorted out you can seek support for you and your H from Eva Musby (forum member, author, etc. - see her website) or Laura Collins (forum member, author, etc - see website "Circum Mensam") or someone similar.  Both offer personal consultations over the phone/Skype.  

Parenting a daughter with ED required a different kind of parenting.  Our D became belligerent, deceptive, constantly confrontational, threatening and manipulative. We could not trust her any longer and she did not trust us.  It broke our hearts.  I was prone to getting lost in the sadness of the situation and had to keep forcing myself to find my fighting spirit.  Reading the stories of other parents on the forum helped.  One piece of advice that helped me was to envision myself as a brick wall when confronting ED.  I am immovable and will not let ED win this battle for my D.  I will not react to the barbs and taunts from ED.  (The goal was to stay strong in the moment.  I could cry later for release.)  

I thought we might break too.  But we didn't.  I remember the despair and misery and the days when we had little hope.  We had some of the worst days of our married life.  But it DID get better.  There IS hope.  

Sending you a cyber-hug from across the pond . . .








EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #19 
StayStrong, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and it is all so awful and terrifying. There is a harsh learning curve here and your reading these posts is a HUGE push up that curve. Congratulations on finding the forum.

Your d is being held hostage by a cruel voice in her head, it's not really her. As has been said, it is crucial to separate her from the illness (in your own head). Whatever horrible things she has said to you, it is saying much worse things to her. One thing I learned here is not to be afraid of what ED says, nor of what ED is afraid of. ED will say the most unspeakable things if it will get you to stop feeding her. It will do whatever it takes to not let her eat, including making her lie and throw away food secretly and make false promises.

None of it is your d's fault, she is not manipulating you, it is manipulating (coercing!) her. I read this sort of thing on here when we first started refeeding but couldn't believe it. As she got better, it turned out it was all true. One of the sayings on here is "If you're getting flak it's because you are over the target". So don't be afraid of stirring up ED's rage per se, you will do that anyway if you require your d to eat.

You need to not put her in the position of letting ED decide what she does. If you monitor and require every bite, then ED will slooooowly give up. Not without a big fight. If she gets violent, call the police. Better yet, YOU contact the police and let them know what is going on so that if you call, you know what happens.

When I told my d I had been in touch with the mental health liaison of our city police and explained what was going on, she was shocked. And she stopped the violence when I went to pick up the phone to call the police, because she knew I meant it. And secretly--I found out later--she was grateful that I had put in place a way to not allow ED to be so violent.

The trip is dangerous for your d. She could have a heart attack and die--sorry to be so blunt, but you do not know how compromised she is. You need to show ED that you mean business. We cancelled a school trip abroad at exactly the point you are at now when my d was sick. She raged and ended up in the hospital. It was a turning point--an awful one, but now she is FINE and has travelled a lot and is doing normal teen things. You can do this.
hertsmum

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Reply with quote  #20 
StayStrong - just to add to the superb advice and support above - my daughter had her 16th birthday (a year ago) in IP and I'm pretty sure she remembers very little of it. She also used to go mad when I suggested her behaviour was the ED and not her.

We tried so hard at home to refeed her but had absolutely no success and we reluctantly let her be admitted into a hospital for eating disorders in north London (covered by NHS). I hope you won't need need this but I would urge you not to discount it as an option, as it was a total lifesaver and I would recommend it to anyone in our situation. She was there for 3 months on a very structured programme and since discharge she has eaten every meal put in front of her (she learnt in hospital it was non-negotiable).

I've gained so much valuable advice from the site, and a mantra that has really helped me beyond words are the 3Cs: compassion, calmness, consistency.

Best of luck xx
Torie

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Reply with quote  #21 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertsmum
I've gained so much valuable advice from the site, and a mantra that has really helped me beyond words are the 3Cs: compassion, calmness, consistency.


And a 4th C is courage.  It's hero's work.  xx

-Torie

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