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Sotired

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Reply with quote  #126 
I made an old lady's day apparently when she saw the rabbit,he's only about 4-5weeks old according to the vet(no for anyone new reading this,we did not snatch him from his mum,he turned up in our garden one morning)and so very cute.i guess I'm pleased that others can use us as motivation to keep going with FBT.cant lie it hurts a bit,but I can totally see where you guys are coming from.does anyone else envy the people on here who can get a 504 plan and make other people help them?i do.and I envy people with properly supportive extended families.and I envy normal people with normal lives.asd and anorexia are just getting to me.had to go and get small boy out of the school pool as he wouldn't get out after lesson time.came home and d is refusing to eat the roast chicken dinner.sent her off to pick up small boy.i don't even care that she will use up all her calories walking there and back today.every day is a struggle to get up and put one foot in front of the other.nearly everything annoys me.in many ways I can't handle the fact that this is my life and I have no choice in the matter.and that my parenting is under scrutiny all the time because of an and ASD.some days,most days at the moment if I'm honest,I just want to be left alone by the kids and my h, I don't want to give any more.i feel awful for feeling like this but it doesn't change it.i don't want to be the strong one any more,all that happens is that you are given more to bear.im too over this to even be sorry for posting my self pity.
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Sotired42
louise4nz

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Reply with quote  #127 
Sotired you are so allowed to feel like that. We are back from REDS and oh joy, E is young enough to continue with FBT and in the younger therapy for another year, argh. So here I go again, being the meany, taking the strain, wanting to run away. Gotta love trying to beat AN. I feel worn down by going back, it is demoralising, so I can only imagine how you feel after your huge battle.

We think Meds are a great idea they helped last time but E will not budge. We are to present them to her like we do the food, I am not holding my breath but we will try.

Weight was down again today, plan is to keep E out of the kitchen and food to be given to and her to eat it. Sounds easy, right...lets see how this goes!

JustFlippinEatItnz, I did chuckle at the naivety last year but hey we had been that family too, in hospital fixed up and out, haha! And they put E with I because she had always been so polite and lovely. Yep not that admission she turned into a screaming freak, poor I, she probably wondered what the hell was going on. BUT that hospitalisation made E realise she couldn't be that person and she tried so hard and got well. Unfortunately AN has hunted her down again, hopefully not for long!

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Louise

D 17years with AN since April 2014, FBT discharged June 2015, Relapsed Oct 2015.
Winnipuh

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Reply with quote  #128 
Why has self pity become such a nasty word? You deserve pity. Be kind with urself.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #129 
Hi Louise and winniepuh,
This is exhausting isn't it?fbt is really hard.but if you can get it to work ,so much better than the alternative.i just feel stuck in hellsville.my d is taking great delight in pointing out I can't make her eat.that I can't make her do anything.so now I agree with her to try and deflate the situation.i say no I can't make you but it would be good if you ate such and such...she has me over a barrel and she knows it.i can't even say I won't have ed in the house as there is literally nowhere for her to go but the street.and she is happy to go there rather than me tell her what to do.however I will be making her fill out her cv so she can apply for jobs over the summer.she needs to find out what life is like when you won't be helped but are now expected to sort stuff out.when she is eighteen I may actually encourage her to leave here if she won't be helped.i cannot keep living like this forever, no matter how much I love her.
Thankyou for your kind words,

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Sotired42
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #130 
Just out of interest Louise,how are you supposed to keep your 17 year old out of the kitchen?is she a generally compliant kid?cause otherwise they might as well ask you to paint the moon,it's just as reasonable[smile]I think they keep our kids in the FBT model for as long as they can.feeling like 'the big meany' is par for the course with FBT,but when it works,it's great.having said that,I often wanted to run away during treatment and actually did for a day.went back eventually cause I was cold and had forgotten a jacket.and as I had spent the whole day thinking about an,realised no matter how far I ran there I was.still with the same problems.so I went back.its so much harder once they are 17,you are lucky that your d agreed to this model still.hope that things don't take so long for meals today.i am off to do school baking...
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Sotired42
louise4nz

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Reply with quote  #131 
Sotired,
She hasn't agreed but knows we will do our best to enforce it. She is typically a very polite anorexic, so that helps. She does get tearful but she also knows we will physically move her to the dinner table if needed, quite handy that she is light. Last night she ate well, she has had breakfast but totally refused any lunch , except water. The meds got thrown out the window. the Boyfriend is coming for dinner so hopefully she will eat while he is here. Just another day in paradise. How are you going?

I got out for 2 hours to take the youngest to cricket so That was a nice sunny break.

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Louise

D 17years with AN since April 2014, FBT discharged June 2015, Relapsed Oct 2015.
Elena

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Reply with quote  #132 
So sorry Sotired. I didn't mean for my comment to hurt you. Looking back at it makes me realise it was inconsiderate and inappropriate of me to have made such a comment.  Please just take it as an indication of my exhaustion being back at work and trying to keep things going at home too, and this last week was really hard for me. I think you are amazing doing all you do for your kids while suffering from ill health yourself. You've often helped me not lose the plot many times. Sorry.A
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #133 
Hi again Louise and elena,
Firstly,it's ok elena.i know you didn't mean it the way it sounded,I'm just a bit thin skinned at the moment.i popped a couple of thoughts as to what might help with your ds sore tummy on your thread.we're good hon.[smile]
We went off shopping for small boy whose feet have grown two sizes over winter and so has his body!then off to his school fair,which was very nice.after that Louise,we came home and d refused to eat anything but strawberries as she had had a small slushie when we were there.she eats very small amounts of food at meals,it really stresses me out (as jfei could tell you as I've been texting her much of the day).small amount of ice cream for afternoon tea,small amount of chicken for dinner.i try to encourage more but have to be careful as otherwise it backfires and she eats and drinks nothing.did I mention she has me over a barrel right now?then she mentioned she wants to go away over the holidays to stay with relatives of mine.i don't know how to say to her that no one will want to have her to stay as it would make them then responsible for any care she might require.argh!wish I was a tactful person,they would know how to do this!

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Sotired42
K63

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Reply with quote  #134 
Hi sotired, sorry to hear your d is eating so little it's like living in agony, it would be good if she got some little job if her weight was ok . My d was home all summer got a few hours work in restaurant but the break was good for us just to get a chance to breath . Is your d being weighed weekly and is she still attending theraphy. The agony goes on hope your little boy and other d are well.take care of yourself .
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Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
louise4nz

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Reply with quote  #135 
Hi,

Well tonight has been so back on the merry go round! The one of lets blame Mum by the husband. I did dinner, boyfriend was here so he removed E from the kitchen, open plan house so basically they can hang out in her bedroom. Home made chicken and vege kebabs and salad, green and coleslaw and a baked kumera. E ate the kumera, 2 kebabs, beetroot and the coleslaw, she refused the rest of the salad, so ice berg lettuce, carrot, capsicum, a bit of feta and cucumber. I am having to relearn how to feed her to get her to eat if that makes sense. And I went with she had eaten the calorie heavy food so let it go. Nope Hubby wanted to make her eat the rest and when I didn't back that up I've been told I am buying back into anorexia's demands, this is in front of the boyfriend who hasn't really got to grips with an unwell girlfriend. Then he said well we will have  a lot to talk about on Friday(therapy), so mad I just wanted to shake him, how dare he as he leaves for work at 8.30am every morning and I take E to work with me. I do two meals solo, breakfast and lunch and he is little or no help at dinner...argh! last time it always seemed to be my fault to and this is one of the reasons I resent FBT so much. Also she is a year older, how do you not negoitiate with a 17 year old. Fed up already! And so resentful of him, all day he has just been pick pick pick at me.
Sorry for the rant, tomorrow is a new day.

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Louise

D 17years with AN since April 2014, FBT discharged June 2015, Relapsed Oct 2015.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #136 
Hi k63 and Louise,
She will start at reds for one on one therapy this coming week.then doc checkup,also at reds.hopefully she does this consistently,but who knows k63,she hasn't kept a single promise yet.
Why do husbands do that Louise,it just sucks.i guess in some ways he's right,in FBT it's all meant to be eaten,but in real world terms she ate all the calorie stuff and that's what matters,which makes you right.and it's easy to be the perfect parent when you aren't the one dealing with an all the time.my husband has taken to telling my d not to engage with me whenever I point out she needs to be eating this or that to keep her body going.like its my fault and I'm the nag who should just be ignored.drives me nuts.so I hide in my room a lot or go out a lot when it's just her and I,that way I can't be blamed cause I'm not there.
Keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day,I sense a plant shop coming on...at least my garden doesn't tell me I suck!

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Sotired42
floating

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Reply with quote  #137 
Sotired gardening is so therapeutic........ love it as we can just escape somewhere else for a moment.......... 

My heart goes out to you as I know what hellville is and it is a frightening place to be as we continue to cling onto the only thing we have left HOPE.
But I honestly believe whilst we are both going to be taking the scenic route in our daughter recovery we will get there,,,,,,,,, we really will, just hope we get there with our sanity intact!!!! ED are nasty monsters and professional should wake up and see the huge inpact this illness has on the family/carers

I am thinking of you and praying that positive stepping stones occur soon for your D and family

hugs xxx

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Sotired

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Reply with quote  #138 
I never thought I would be a gardener-and I refuse to grow anything practical!nope,just flowers and shrubs in my garden[smile]like you butterfly I am struggling with the physical effects on myself as well.i have gained weight through stress eating,now that my d is home again I wake up drenched in sweat most nights so am not sleeping well,average about 6 hours a night.my endometriosis is worse because of the weight gain,so the pain makes it hard to be motivated to do a lot.the constant fear that this will be the day she stops eating entirely lingers.the knowledge that though she is at home I can enforce nothing makes me feel powerless.she is 17 and so can't go to fostercare.she takes great delight in throwing me off balance constantly.so here I am,living on eggshells,unable to fix things,unable to make her leave because there are no resources for her to access til she is 18.every day is a struggle to get up,sometimes I just lie in bed thinking that it wouldn't really matter if today I stayed there.but every day I make myself do it anyway.it is taking all my effort of will to do what needs to be done with small boy.my middle dyslexic girl is not getting much done for her but fortunately after her boarding school is both more independent and able to carve herself out some time with me.normally I can make myself see the bright side of anything,I have trained myself to do that,but at the moment,not so much.
I hope things start getting better for us both soon butterfly,you can always email me,if you need or just want to [smile]

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Sotired42
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #139 
My D is keeping our gardens beautiful - since she's been on home detention for the past couple of weeks for not eating what we give her - it's her only outlet apart from exam study - which is pointless since she is eating sweet f.a. today and the exam is tomorrow so a very slim chance she'll be going. 

Louise4, I had a thing that she had to eat everything I served her - since the bits she'll skip are the high-kj parts, and also to make it that the ED part of her brain can't sneak in and start making her think about food choices and get her strung out. It didn't work though, so I'm not a good model to follow. The 17-year-old-ness of it may play a part, too, in making it hard to win that battle.
I have another 'thing', that the parent who has to actually implement it all has a lot more say in how it happens, since they're the one at the coal face/firing line/plate. Definitely if you and H can agree, and even if you don't, then agree to disagree and plan which deal you will follow and both be consistent about it. 
I love how I'm so full of advice that I haven't been very good at implementing!

Sotired - I like how you're thinking, self-preservation-wise. In the end, that's all that's left some days. We need to pick our battles. I've been saying the serenity prayer to myself a lot recently. 
R

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
PeachdreamNZ

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Reply with quote  #140 
ooooooh another trip to the plant show eh sotired?  Count me in[smile]  I love my garden but am finding as my mood gets low I don't do anything in , just want to blob around and feel sorry for myself.  We have had two meltdowns this week, just ranting about wanting to lose weight and not be fat anymore, not actually stopping eating, but all I can do is cry when it happens.  I just can't bear the thought of going down the rabbit hole again and I'm just so scared all the time.  Just hope I can get through this the way you have managed just one day at a time.   It was a great day yesterday for your school gala!  We drove past and saw it in full swing around lunchtime.  JFEI, d said I was pretty certain she would be starting at thrive the week after exams?  If so that is wonderful news!  My oldest, dyslexic d is having her first exam tomorrow and her anxiety has been so bad I had to take her to the doctor last week for some lorazepam.  She walked out on two of her mock exams because of panic attacks so we can't take the risk she will do it again.  Between the both of them I am just constantly on edge at the moment, think I might need to review my own meds!  Have a good week all you Super Mums!
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D now 15yrs and well above target weight. Crossing everything we are now on the road to a full recovery.
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #141 
Yep Peachd - Thrive meeting this week - am counting down the minutes. Scary that E is saying she's fat - it could mean another round of all the messy drama, not what you need while the big one is doing exams! I hope E manages to fend it off. Both mine have their first exam for the season tomorrow - they're surprisingly calm. The younger one will only do one exam, doesn't really need the rest, and will hopefully be in inpatient by then.

Sotired - I hope all is calm and Sunday-night-ish there, ready for the week of school for the younger two. Would focussing on them take your mind of P a bit? Sounds really stressful at the mo. 

We had two days of almost no food, and then spewing in the night last night - not on purpose - gross orange bile cos there was no food in there. Poor bub. I slept on the floor of her room and it was quite cosy - I might do it more often. Then today when we gave her the hard word about no food=no exam tomorrow, and I started planning how we could force her to starship since she had so little food in her, she tried to eat all her meals for the day all at once to get it over with, and has had a sore stretching stomach ever since. She's getting more and more weird with food - I have no idea what twisted things are going on in her head - she's pretty good at keeping them inside, and just showing me the stubborn part. 

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #142 
H shouted at me so made him come to the plant shop and watch as I spent $100 on plants and stones.said I'm sick of him shouting at me every time I want him to do something.i wanted him to take small boy to the pool as I was knackerd from waking up with night sweats but he won't do anything like that.d actually ate a bit better today and ate dinner with us which was nice as she hasn't eaten any meals with us for the most part since she's been home.mainly she did it because my hs sister came over so she couldn't make her dinner early.also I suspect because I said I think she does it so that she doesn't eat for 12 hours.so she had to prove me wrong!
Oh dear peach,sounds like you are doing it hard at the moment.youve got my cell ph no so text if it all gets a bit much.you could come down for coffee.[smile]
Can't believe you are finally nearly there jfei for getting your girl into thrive.[smile]I feel another mums afternoon tea coming on so we can talk about what's going on with us[smile]if we do manage it,you should come too Louise, we all seem to be having a rough time and hey misery loves company[wink]nah,but seriously we should try and meet up,it's a support group I can actually get to!
Hoping for a week that's easier by 2% for all of us,

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Sotired42
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #143 
This weekend? Westgate? Or north Shore so easier for sotired? Or my place if the skinny one isn't here to cramp our style :-)
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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #144 
Can we do north shore this time?we could go to the chocolate cafe.if we meet in the mall then we can make a decision from where to go from there.can do Saturday or Sunday afternoon.round 2pm would fit in with you wouldn't it peachdream.if you would like to join us Louise or Linda,please do.just let me know here and I will give you the details-although knowing us they are likely to be written here!
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Sotired42
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #145 
Hi,this is just a note to the moderators.for some reason butterfly's messages of support from others have started appearing in my inbox.not sure why?anything you can do to help there?
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Sotired42
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Reply with quote  #146 
No idea. Will forward it on to site admin.
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
LeahDean_US

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Reply with quote  #147 
Sotired,

I can't see why you would be getting an email intended for someone else except for user error. How many messages have you received, and are they from different people?

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Sotired

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Reply with quote  #148 
I got one from sk8er31 and one from nelly.they don't appear on my thread,just in my inbox.they both have butterfly's thread title so I'm just a bit puzzled as my thread title is very different.i haven't received any others at the moment,just yesterday's ones.one of life's little mysteries I guess!
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Sotired42
LeahDean_US

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Reply with quote  #149 
Hmmm. You may have subscribed to butterfly7's thread and you are getting notifications of new replies on her thread.

You can subscribe (and unsubscribe) to any thread you are interested in following by clicking on the button below the thread.

Capture.PNG 


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Eating Disorder Parent Advocate
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Former F.E.A.S.T. Executive Director, 2013-2016

Sotired

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Reply with quote  #150 
Thanks Leah.have pressed unsubscribe and will hope that works.i am still newish to technology so certainly not beyond the realms that I accidentally pressed the wrong button...huh,just like I do with my d...
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Sotired42
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