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tina72

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi my wonderful feast-family,

today I met my cousin who I haven´t seen for a year.
When I met her last year my d was doing really bad and went to IP a week later.
So today we met again and before she even asked how my d is doing she told me that she has informed herself about AN and that she need to tell me that we caused the AN by overprotect our d. She told me that I should not have driven her to school and that it is not normal that we live together with grandparents and that everytime somebody is at home for our d. That it is not normal that I am a housewife and not working and that my d should move far away from us to get some distance.

I know that this is total rubbish. I told her that I will not continue the date under that requirement but she didn´t stop so I turned around and went away.

This was the last family member outside the entire family at my home I had some contact to.
Two friends are left. Everyone else is blaming us.

I know you experienced the same. I know it is wrong. But I am so sad about it.

Tina72
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #2 

Hi Tina,
I am so sorry this happened. It is so hard to educate those who do not wish to be educated. I would have done the same as you and left too. I am proud of you for doing that I know it was hard. I wish I had the right words to take away the pain of that encounter. But you are here with us! Those that really know what it is to have ED at home. You are a great mom! You are a great human being! You saved your D!!
Big hugs and good thoughts to you!

XOXO

Torie

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Reply with quote  #3 
Ack!  What is wrong with people?  I mean, let's say something happened that truly WAS your fault.  Let's say you fell asleep smoking and your d suffered horrible burns.  Would people say - to your face - that it was your fault because ... ?

Maybe your cousin will understand one day.  You are a bit of a trailblazer in Germany, I think, and I'm sure at least a few people will learn a little from your good success.  Over time, the word is getting out about AN and eventually the ignorant and hateful comments will lessen.  So sorry you had to experience this.

Big hugs.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #4 
So very sorry that you had this experience Tina.  Sadly, it is all too common for many of our close friends and family not to understand EDs, or to cling on to outdated and damaging views on treatment.

Knowledge is power, and good peer support can overcome some of these terrible encounters.  Hang in there!

Sending warm support,
sk8r31

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
eternalhope

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Reply with quote  #5 
Tina- I’m sorry, but your cousin had no right to say these things to you. Honestly, it’s more revealing about her than anything. Would you ever be so presumptuous of another’s situation? It’s a terrible
shame there’s so much misinformation and ignorance out there. You have brought your d back from the brink with compassion, patience and understanding.
You have made her your number one priorty. I’m sure it was very difficult to listen to her nonsense, but don’t let it rattle you for a second. She’s just one more ignorant person. She wasn’t even trying to be helpful. I’m so sorry.
Kali

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Reply with quote  #6 
Oh Tina72, I'm so very sorry to hear that your cousin is so ill-informed. And, WOW, incredibly insensitive as well.

I'm sure your cousin would never show up if your daughter had diabetes or cancer and make a statement like that.
I don't know if she can read English but perhaps you could print out and send her some of the family guides if you want to try and educate her and raise her consciousness.

https://feast-ed.site-ym.com/?diagnosisguide

You will know who your real friends are by the ones who are left when anorexia subsides.
And even if we never meet face to face, we are all your friends also.

Kali

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EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #7 
Ugh, how disappointing and maddening. And pitiful, truly. How unfeeling, apart from being wrong. Your energy is better spent on people who can at least be tactful even if they are misguided...
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #8 
I'm sad about it too Tina.  I am just thankful that your daughter is not that ill informed.  I think people want to understand so they grab onto whatever they can understand, right or wrong.

You tried that approach she is describing in a sense when she was inpatient.  It is no coincidence that she got better after you took her out and started treating her the right way.  I'm very sad for everyone involved but so thankful that you did what you did and continue doing what you are doing.  You are your daughter's best hope for long-term recovery and she is so lucky to have you on her side.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #9 
Thank you all so much for your nice words.
It helped me a lot. It is so cruel that there are people a thousand miles away who are nearer than your family.
Thanks for being a true friend, even if I don´t know you face to face. Maybe in future there will be a meeting in Europe and I will be able to thank you all.

Kali, I am sure she would not have said this if it was cancer. My cousin had cancer herself and she should know what a severe illness mean to the family.
Thanks for the link, but I think I will not spend more time or nerves on educating her. Her picture was ready and she was not interested to change it.
What is so sad is that even in IP no one said something like this to us. I am sure they thought all theses old-fashioned Hilde Bruch-stuff and they said other bad things (for example told my d that she is taking the bed of a "real sick" child). But even they did not dare to blame us directly and in a cafe.

I am so glad to have you all out there and I could kick me into my ash for not joining you earlier. Just because of that language problem which seem to be ridiculous for me today. You could have dried rivers of tears so much earlier. Everyone out there who is struggling with joining us, come here. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

By the way, thank you ED for finding these friends and improving my english. You didn´t expect that, did you?

Thanks.
Tina


Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #10 
Hi Tina, I'm so sorry about your cousin. And as you said, we all lost family and friends and work opportunities due to this illness. My non ED d just told me how embarrassed she is because I'm a housewife. It just sucks😣. Well, just can't please all. The only people still speaking to us are those who are acquaintances and never knew our d was ill. Now trying to visit them more and making new friends. But as you said, we found some good new friends here.

Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗

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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. Challenging fear foods and behaviours now.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hi Mamaroo,
thank you and I hope you feel ashamed about beeing only a housewife [biggrin].
I am sure your d will appreaciate it when she will get older. My d feels safe and warm at our home because we are a bigger family (grandparents live with us) and there was always somebody there for her. Today she can see that and is grateful about it.
By the way, my other left friend is a housewife, too, and she was called in by the teacher of her little son last week. She thought he has done something bad in school but the teacher told her he wanted to get to know her because her son is the only kid in class who has a real school bread in his lunch box and no buyed sandwich or chocolate bar. Funny, isn´t it? And sad at the same time...
Thanks for the hugs. Send back [smile]!
Tina
Torie

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Reply with quote  #12 
I never liked the term "housewife" in part because it sort of implies there is another kind of wife elsewhere (workwife?).  I wonder if there is a German equivalent to "stay at home mom."   Now that my kids have all flown the nest, I guess that makes me a retired stay at home mom.  Weird world where the rules shift beneath your feet.  My eldest sister is 17 years older than I am, and in her day, it was absolutely expected that women would stay home with the kids.  I came of age during the fleeting stage of history where women truly had a choice.  (I was born in 1957.)  When my eldest started school, we were pretty much all stay at home moms in my community - over the years, that has shifted a lot.  My d's tell me now they are absolutely expected to have a career.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi Torie,
you gave me a big smile with your term of a "workwife" elsewhere...[wink]
In german there is only the term "Hausfrau". But today you have to excuse yourself everywhere for "not working". I can tell you I am working a lot because my husband is running his own company. I think there is a lot of envy with that. On one side the women want to be independent from the men, but on the other side they wish they could have the social system of their mothers back. It is sad that the women today are expected to have a career and that you are not worth anything doing family work. I help my husband, I do all the paperwork, I do our household and that of grandparents living with us and I care for the whole family. I decided to do that with my heart and I never regreted that. But everybody always says "oh, you are not working?".
Most of the women in our surrounding are working to pay the kindergarten and the private schools for their kids. This is senseless. You work to pay for the kindergarten time you would not need if you decide not to work...
I would be proud to be a "retired stay at home mom" in future as you are, Torie.
It was not everything better earlier, but some things were good as they were and they should not have changed.
Thanks that you are here.
Tina
rose08

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Reply with quote  #14 
Dear Tina
Wow. I'm am so sorry to hear about the ignorance you were subjected to, not only incredibly hurtful but "informing herself" was obviously a very selective process as the most up-to-date information out there (easily searchable and evidence based) is that parents do not cause this disease. I know you know this - as do all of us that are on this journey. You are such a kind person, and your posts always show such understanding and compassion. You were right to walk away. I am sorry for your hurt xxx Rose
tina72

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Reply with quote  #15 
Hi rose,
thank you for your compassion. It is so good to come here and vent if something like this happens.
Sadly in Germany it is not unusual that you get that wrong informations. If you look for AN on US wikipedia you are informed about Maudsley in the third sentence. On the german wikipedia site there is no single word about FBT or Maudsley but a lot of old-school-information.
There is still said, that the main reason for Anorexia is based in families that ask too much of the young adults or overprotect them or are in other ways dysfunctional. So I was not so surprised that she has found that information. I was sad because she should have known me and my family better. I was sad because she did not give me any time to tell her my part of the story.
When I came home so sad my d asked me why I am back that soon and I told her what she has said. And my lovely d said: She should be ashamed. You did not do anything bad to me in my whole life. You saved my life. We don´t need her.
I am so grateful that she can say something like that today.
Tina
Torie

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Reply with quote  #16 
Aw, Tina - what a hearwarming response from your d.

I have been wondering what it takes to edit a Wikipedia page.  If I ever figure it out, maybe we can work together to update that page in German? xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #17 
I don´t know how that works, but I would help you immediately. Translation or whatever is needed.
That would be a big step. Ask if I can do something. Send me an email if you want me to translate anything.
Tina
rose08

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Reply with quote  #18 
Your D is very wise and those words are the only truth you need xxx Alot needs to change, old beliefs, so called "studies" from 50 years ago - here in S.A. there is alot of "old school" thinking too. But as you say, if only people take time to really listen and learn and properly research before making judgements - it's really sad. In time I hope she realises this. Stay strong special lady xxx
Kali

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Reply with quote  #19 
Hi Torie and Tina72,

What a GREAT idea to edit the German wikipedia page!

If you go to the page there would be an edit field at the top.
I think you have to log in and create an account in order to edit.
There is code on the page when you go into the field which let's you edit the text, so you would need to do the final edit between the html tags (anything which starts with a < and ends with a />[wink] but that shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Tina if you want to post the english translation perhaps ATDT caregivers who wanted to could weigh in and we can help with the update! Or maybe there are some german speakers who could do that?

https://ang.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikip%C7%A3dia:How_to_edit_a_page

or perhaps there are some statements on the english version of the page which you could translate and copy and paste into the german page if they are more up to date?

Kali

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kazi67

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Reply with quote  #20 
Hi tina72
This post resonates with me so much
It's the misunderstanding or non understanding of this illness I think that makes it so hard then to be blamed for it WTAF!!!! ☹️
Even when you try to "educate" others they just don't get it do they?
It hurts so much to loose relationships over this bloody illness doesn't it
I'm only going into 5 months with my d and she is doing quite well (I'm still ever watching every day, everything she is eating) or not eating and we still have ups and downs tears and meltdowns but overall she is eating and getting back to a normal life yay!
My other non ed d blames me, does not speak with me, tells me I'm negative and I'm the one who needs a physcologist, requires I apologise for treating her badly?? B4 she will talk/contact me (She lives o/s so I don't get this)
At the end of the day, I have to let it go, the most important thing for me at the moment as well as all of us on this crap journey we r on here together is to get our ed d's and sons well
So let go of the people/friends/family who cannot support you, or blame/shame you
We all can do without that!
x
eternalhope

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Reply with quote  #21 
Tina- your English is fantastic! Don’t knock it. Your d’s words were beautiful. You have raised her well. Your are doing the most important jobs in the world- being a great wife and mother, and you’ve put your family first. Good luck with the wiki post. Great instructions Kali.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #22 
Thanks a lot for all your nice words. You are able to dry my tears and make me feel a lot better now. To feel surrounded by friends makes it a lot easier.
Kali, I will try to translate the german wikipedia article into english this weekend. I will send it to you and Torie (and maybe Toothfairy?) and not post it here because that will be too long. If anyone else would like to join us helping to update this article please contact me or Kali or Torie.

I think this would be a big step but I also fear it could create a problem for a lot of other families because actually there is NO FBT trainer available in Germany (we had one but she is in family time now). On the other side I wish to see all the faces of the so called "specialists" in Germany when a lot more parents ask them for FBT. Maybe that will make a change for kids in future.

kazi67, it is great that your d is making progress getting back into life and that you got her to eat. It will take some time and a proper WR but I think you see where the way goes and that it is possible to get her back. I am so sad that your non ED d is blaming you and not speaking to you. I hope she will get it that you were right when she is seeing the prove for that walking around in your house. Maybe you can get together again when your ED d is doing better.
You are right with setting priorities. ED d needs you most now and that is priority. We have to set borders. We cannot please everybody.
To give you some hope, we are 11 months into it (5 month WR) now and I bake christmas cookies with my d today and she is eating them. We had no meltdown for about 2 months now and our realtionship is as good as it was before ED moved into our house. We lost a lot and our life will never be the same. But we got her back. And that is most important.

I would like to hug and kiss all of you. Please feel virtually huged and kissed [biggrin].
Tina
frazzledmum

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Reply with quote  #23 
Tina, you are amazing and incredible! I don't post much here, but read a lot, and I am so amazed that your English is so good, and you post so much, with good advice. I have a friend in Germany whose daughter is doing well and recovering from anorexia and I have pointed her to this forum and mentioned you to her. She too ignored the advice from the Drs in Germany. She has started a parents' group to give information to parents. So you are not the only one and maybe the tide is turning.....

Kali

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Reply with quote  #24 
Hi Tina72,

It sounds great that you are willing to help with the Wikipedia page. I mentioned it to the other moderators and FEAST leadership, and they think it is a great idea. Perhaps we can take some of the language from the FEAST brochures which have already been written to edit the page; that way we don't have to reinvent the wheel as they say. That way we would also have references to cite from.

I think that the computer will do a very basic and not that good translation of the German page, there is a translate feature at the top, and if you can spiff that up a little and email it to me and Torie and Toothfairy if she would like, I'll also share it with the other mods and Feast leadership and we can think about how to change it and what would be appropriate. The English page is not that bad and perhaps we can also borrow some of the language from that since it does talk about FBT.

We also talked about reviewing pages in some of the different languages in the future since we have members all over the world and bringing some of the other pages more up to date with current information.

You and Torie had a really great idea which could help people understand more about the illness when they look it up on wikepedia.

warmly,

Kali








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tina72

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Reply with quote  #25 
Hi there,
I wrote an email to my cousin today and told her my point of view and that she should think one minute about it and that I might eventually be right and then feel ashamed.
I don´t think it would change anything but I felt so much better after that.

frazzledmum,
thank you for your nice words and compassion. It is so great to get that for free here...[wink]
Please tell your friend that she can email me whenever she likes. I know that it is much easier when you can talk in your mother tongue.
I hope for all the kids outside that the tide is turning soon.

I wish you all a nice 2nd advent sunday. It is snowing here in Germany...
Tina72
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