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mamab

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Reply with quote  #1 
One of my daughters has battled anorexia since she was in middle school (she is now 19).   This daughter is currently in inpatient treatment at ERC,  forced to be there because of a court order.   She has been hospitalized in the past but this time things have been particularly brutal,  both in that she has fought treatment tooth and nail and because I just learned that she has also been purging off and on for the past two years.  I had suspicions a few times but she always swore up and down that she had never/would never do this and I had no evidence.  She was, however, and I was didn't know.  Even during her senior year of high school when I thought things were going so well,  I was being fooled.   Her therapist was being fooled.  I don't trust my instincts any more. 

Today my youngest daughter confided in me that she has been battling anorexic thoughts and engaging in some ED behavior for the past year.  She says she has fought it because of witnessing what this has done to her sister's life but that lately the urges have gotten stronger.  Her weight is normal and she does eat but she is a runner and her running has increased. This did worry me and my husband.   This daughter is extremely driven and a perfectionist who holds herself to very high standards (despite our efforts to encourage her to not be so rigid).  She also has anxiety issues and I had taken her to a doctor about this recently.  Ironically,  her doctor encouraged the running as a way to relieve stress and anxiety.

My heart is broken and I feel like a failure.  Goodness knows,  I have tried to do the right things.  I've sat at tables for meals and snacks, participated in therapy, read and researched.   Yet,  I STILL was fooled about my oldest daughter's purging and now my youngest is struggling.   I feel broken.  I don't feel at all strong enough to handle this with two kids at the same time but, of course,  what choice do I have?    Add to this my own health issues that have developed in the past year and I just feel so weary and depressed.  I've never been a depressed person before;  resilience and optimism had been a strength of mine but years of dealing with one daughter with Aspergers, OCD,  another daughter with anorexia and now another daughter with an ED and I'm left wondering if I can cope.    I'm sorry to whine but it's how I'm feeling today. 
Torie

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Reply with quote  #2 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamab
 I'm sorry to whine but it's how I'm feeling today. 


Whine away, mamab - you deserve to!

When I come to the forum, I always think it is so unfair that our families have been saddled with this brutal illness, and then even among us here, some are tasked with a much heavier burden than others.  So unfair!

It makes sense that you would be feeling tired, overwhelmed, and generally exhausted.   You know what they say on the airlines - that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, because you can't help anyone else if you can't breathe yourself.  So please squeeze in a little time for self care every day.

And please let us know how we can help.  You can do this.  xx

-Torie



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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #3 
Oh my gosh,
I am so sorry , your plate is full.
Is there anybody that can help support you, even for a few weeks with you in your house, like a good friend, a sister , a family member?

As regards treatment. Would it be worth calling UCSD regarding the 1 week family intensive?
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/treatment/adolescent-programs.html

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
sunshine1974

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hi mamab,
I am new here, as of today.  I would love to share my story with you...one that seems to be just the beginning, but I am on my way out the door.  I wanted to respond to you before I forgot.  I too have two daughters with ED's.  Last year my 12 year old was diagnosed with anorexia.  This Feb.  my oldest daughter was diagnosed and hospitalized for anorexia.  I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and toll that this takes on a parent.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I am sure that we are not the only ones here with two children suffering but please feel free to reach out to me.  
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #5 
Just wanted to send a virtual hug & warm thoughts to you.  It really is a low blow to have so much on your plate right now.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and one could say 'why didn't I see this or that', but your younger d has come to you with her challenges & tough as it is to deal with ED with her as well, you are not starting from square one.

Torie is right; oxygen mask on, & as much self-care as you can muster.  This is the time to call in the troops for support.  Anyone whom you trust who can do even small tasks or larger ones such as meal prep...this is the time to ask.  We all have times in our lives to lean on others, and this is the time for you.

Hang in there...you have many cheering you on & sending support.

Warmly,
sk8r31 

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
martican

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Reply with quote  #6 
Mamab,
My heart goes to you! I feel your despair from your post. Can you step away for just a bit to gather up your thoughts and leftover strength in order to face what you gotta do? Feelings can be so overwhelming. Do you have some support? 
hangry

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Reply with quote  #7 
Sending love and sympathy and majorly good thoughts your way. I am so sorry.

Kali

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Reply with quote  #8 
Hi Mamab,

Sending you warm support and a BIG BIG barrel full of HOPE that things will get better for both of your daughters.

Your older daughter is in treatment at a facility with a stellar reputation and they went to bat for her legally to get her to stay there and be treated, which is not easy to do in the US.

Your younger daughter has come to you and told you what is happening. You know what to do to help her.

It seems too much to bear and is NOT FAIR.

Quote:
My heart is broken and I feel like a failure


You are so NOT a failure. 

Kali


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Food=Love
K63

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi mamab, this is just so difficult for you having been battling this with your older d and facing it again . It's just not fair and life is like this but you can do it . Your older d is now ip and being looked after . It is such a horrible illness and I can see for you how upsetting it must be to find out about your older d s purging this illnes makes our kids/ adults lie . With your other d it's good she has comes to you to tell you and that's her way of asking for help. The most important thing right now is to look after yourself first ,this illness takes its toll and after years of looking after your d you are exhausted can you get someone to help while you take a break take time out every day to relax this is a long journey . Go to your GP talk to him and try put a plan in place to help you if it's medication for a while initially and relaxation therapies or yoga or walks whatever works for you . We are only human and we all need help and support.
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Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
mamab

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshine1974
Hi mamab,
I am new here, as of today.  I would love to share my story with you...one that seems to be just the beginning, but I am on my way out the door.  I wanted to respond to you before I forgot.  I too have two daughters with ED's.  Last year my 12 year old was diagnosed with anorexia.  This Feb.  my oldest daughter was diagnosed and hospitalized for anorexia.  I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and toll that this takes on a parent.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I am sure that we are not the only ones here with two children suffering but please feel free to reach out to me.  


Thank you! I will! ❤️
mamab

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Reply with quote  #11 
I'm trying to focus on the positive, that my youngest daughter told me herself. You'd think after years of this roller coaster that I'd have confidence in how to proceed and what to do. However, my youngest isn't the same as my older daughter with anorexia. My oldest lost a ton of weight and greatly restricted her eating. My youngest daughter is eating but has strong, strong exercise compulsions. She likes to run. Ironically, I had recently taken her to the doctor because she had two panic attacks (something that had never happened before) and the doctor said running was a great way to manage stress. My d has starting going on runs, however, 2 - 4 times per day.
Her weight is normal.

I have an appointment set with the therapist. I need to set one w our doctor and a dietician.
It's hard to know where to start. With my oldest, weight restoration/refeeding was the obvious starting point.

Thanks so very much for the kindness!
mamab

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Reply with quote  #12 
My youngest told me that she was only eating a little of her school lunch and throwing away the rest. But she would snack when she got home from school (followed by a run). Dinner seemed ok. This daughter has been vegetarian for a year (she has always claimed for ethical reasons). I allowed this because she always ate.
Now, of course, I'm second guessing myself.

Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #13 
ED loves to make us doubt ourselves. You are doing a great job, being proactive and getting onto things. I guess given she is restricting her meals the first thing is to get onto full regular nutrition and limiting her exercise. In particular because this is probably a purging behaviour for her. You are stronger than ED for both your girls. 
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
mamab

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Reply with quote  #14 
The doubt is there but what never waivers is a desire to see my daughters - all of them - live the fulfilling lives they deserve. I hope that in the future my kids understand that the decisions I made (and even my mistakes) were never done for any other motive than trying to promote recovery.
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #15 
Dear mamab , God bless you. my heart broke for you and all the pain and sufering you are going trough with your children. I can tell you that I feel tha same, a horrible mom that was unable to see all the sings of the ilness and I dont trust myself at all, also I have a horrible time trying to trust my daughter in any way. I see lies and cover ups everywhere in everything she say or do, and that is very hurtfull because we are so attach to each other and our relathionship is very strong.

My daughter was in ERC for months and to be honest at the end was a big dissapoiment to see how they let her leave the program when they had promise me that they will keep her there and help her and never abandon her. hope you have better luck there. my daughter left last week from one of them in Denver.

Big hug to you ❤️
Playball40

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Reply with quote  #16 
I'm so very sorry MamaB.  Please know you're not alone and that I've often had the same feelings that you have (not trusting instincts, feeling defeated...)  I wish there was a way to make all this easier.

On a good note, your youngest recognized the symptoms and came to you.  She may have to find another outlet to relieve anxiety, but at least she's being open.

Hugs to you all.  We're in your corner.

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Caroline
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #17 
ERC was a huge disappointment for us but I'm glad to hear that they are helping at least one of your daughters even if she is not there willingly.  I'm sorry for both daughters struggling but I do have to admit that having refeed the first time has helped make each subsequent time easier.  I've known what to look for and headed things off that I might have missed otherwise.  Each time we have refed, different things have cropped up so each time it has been different but still very helpful.
evamusby_UK

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Reply with quote  #18 
Dear mamab, what a gift you are crafting for your daughters, day after day.  Through so much uncertainty, insufficient scientific knowledge, less-than-ideal support. To be guiding them to "live the fulfilling lives they deserve". It's a hero's journey, and in all good hero stories, the hero travels through despair and the cruellest of doubts.
I'm sending you oodles of kindness.

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Eva Musby, mother, author, produces lots of resources for parents at http://anorexiafamily.com and on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/user/EvaMusby/playlists
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