Registered: 1431767540 Posts: 1,935
Reply with quote #126
I always love what you write melstev,it so often strikes a chord with me and what we go through in our house.ive found letting go of guilt so useful.there was a saying for special needs children when I was training "children can't use pity for anything".i often find myself reminding myself that just as children can't use pity,feeling guilty over what I did, what I didn't do, doesn't work for me anymore either.i can't 'use ' it for anything useful.
My d uses her pain to try and manipulate situations and now,instead of feeling guilt, I actually can tell her off for it.when she cries when we are out I tell her now that she chose to come out with us and she doesn't get to bring us all down while we are there.its not fair on us as a family and makes her siblings feel guilty and bad for enjoying themselves.shes had the hard word about that with our family trip coming up.its not her fault she's sick,but it isn't ours either and she has been given enough tools to find a way through now.im not saying she can't feel sad-but not every time we're out.
My father tried contacting me and for the first time in my life I sat and thought"what will I get out of resuming contact with my family?".when I couldn't think of anything positive I said no to meeting up.once upon a time I would have felt tremendous guilt,but I felt some anger and some sadness and then I recommenced just living the best life I can.
Like it or not,dealing with illness on a daily basis and making lots of very hard decisions changes us as parents and as people in our own right.it has made me both more compassionate,but also harder, less inclined to fall for a sob story.
It's made me more aware of what I need to get through things.when d tried yo make me feel guilty about her going up to a friends place because "we just need a break from each other" I immediately reframed it to "that's great that you get to go on a holiday for a few days and catch-up with your friend".i will not take guilt on anymore.
I have done the very best I can for all three of my very challenging children and my sometimes challenging spouse.its ok for me to take rest when it's available.
In the end we have to be kind to ourselves because burning out means we end up disliking everything about our lives and as we only get the one,so far as I know,I want my life to not just have meaning,but also some peace. __________________ Sotired42
Registered: 1268143852 Posts: 1,389
Reply with quote #127
Guilt can be so destructive, can't it? I am guilty of feeling guilty!! So I must learn to let go like MelStev says. I don't know what you mean, MelStev, by people might find you annoying because I've found you incredibly kind, nice, caring, loving and friendly every time I've met you and look forward immensely to our next meeting whenever that may be - funny how we think people may notice stuff about us when they don't, hey?!
My own post-ED-years feelings go up and down. Sometimes I feel almost back to normal (or at least 'as normal' as I reckon I will ever be after the ED years...) and then I have days where I can't even get out of bed (like yesterday, although I did make myself get up, get dressed and do stuff). I have days when I can visit this forum and blog, then days when I can't do anything even vaguely related to the world of EDs. A great deal of the PTSD symptoms have been 'processed' through EMDR, but there is a heck of a lot of vice-like anxiety and depression that remains and which comes and goes. Yes, SoTired, I want to feel peace, especially at this time of year, but it seems very elusive. And then I feel guilty for feeling like this - and then guilty again for feeling like this when I personaly know of other families who are going through much, much worse. __________________ Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
Registered: 1209507043 Posts: 2,606
Reply with quote #128
I am really delighted that you have been able to make this shift - and ironically, with the shift in the dynamic between you and your d I am sure she will start to make progress now. You have been the most amazing parent and you really can do no more and letting go of guilt can be very energising. When you write: " It's made me more aware of what I need to get through things.when d tried yo make me feel guilty about her going up to a friends place because "we just need a break from each other" I immediately reframed it to "that's great that you get to go on a holiday for a few days and catch-up with your friend". This is actually an illustration of a motivational intervention - you have taken a negative expression from your d and turned it into an expression of a positive step and action, which will 'nudge' her along her recovery path. Well done you! You and your d have had such a hellish time - even more than these illnesses thrust upon us - but there comes a time as parents when we have to step back and away from the suffering and stay in our 'zone of wellness' as I call it, and not get pulled back into the emotional whirlpool of that suffering. It is tough to learn to develop that harder skin, but it often results in a more effective relationship. You sound to have made progress over the past few weeks - I am assuming d is out of her wheelchair now. And how fantastic that she can be independent enough to leave the family setting. That has to be real progress. Batty ropping guilt is like anything. It takes practice. You have done an amazing job with your son, you do fantastic creative work, you are a lovely person. If you can't get out of bed - who are you hurting? And Christmas is mainly hype and over-spending - you don't need to do 'perfect' at this time of year any more than another. Forgive yourself!! __________________ Believe you can and you're halfway there. Theodore Roosevelt.
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote #129
Sotired, your last post was really great. If you didn't have kids, I bet you would take over the world or something - I always feel like if the thing can be done, you will do it.
Take care, my friend. xx -Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡
Registered: 1268143852 Posts: 1,389
Reply with quote #130
I've been mulling things over for the past few days, wondering why, after all the treatment I've received for PTSD over the past few years, I still feel like I do. Then yesterday I came across an article (
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201305/when-the-trauma-doesnt-end ) that made so much sense! Today I've blogged about it: https://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/2017/12/again-on-topic-of-ptsd-why-ptsd-therapy.html __________________ Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.