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tina72

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Reply with quote  #101 
Hi dolphin,
maybe you have not punished yourself (for what?) but just forgotten. Try not to look back too much: now is now and you can do it better! I´m driving to the seaside tomorrow and will have a little walk there and if you can spend some time and do the same, then we are watching the same water rolling on the beach...I love that idea to share that with you in mind...[wink]
Send you a hug,
Tina72
DolphinUK

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Reply with quote  #102 
Hi Tina, I hope you found some enjoyment from your walk by the sea. I loved how you said we could be connected by the water. It is comforting to feel this? It is so sad that the eating disorders cause so much unhappiness and I am sad that you also feel as I do.

I do find comfort too in the thought that we all understand each other here.
 There is no judgement.

Love Dolphin X

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You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
DolphinUK

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Reply with quote  #103 
I find it interesting that many of us become involved in the world of eating disorders once our children are better. This is often by helping others on a forum like this, or by writing books, by campaigning, writing to governments and health professionals, Speaking at conferences, even organising conferences. Some of us even find ourselves now working in the the world of eating disorders like me. I never thought 10 years ago I would find myself here doing what I do  maybe in a desperate attempt to try to change the system and stop parents having to go through what we have and still are going through?
Despite advances in the last 5 years alone, I feel there is still not enough support for parents/carers within the ED world. I am trying to look at developing a better support system for parents/carers in my work environment that goes beyond a "parents support group"and really identifies what we need and want most when we are trying to feed our children.

X

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You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #104 
I just love Batty's blogs , they have helped me so much.
Here is the latest on PTST ,  I found it to be really thought provoking,
Thanks Batty xx
https://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.ie/2017/08/my-negative-trauma-story-re-written.html



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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #105 
So good to know people actually READ my ramblings!! Thanks, Tooth.

I've got a recovery journal going because it really helps to write stuff down (which is also why I blog about it). This way it kind of ingrains itself inside my head and is also there for me to refer back to.

Reading Dolphin's post above... I yo-yo from feeling that we're all contributing our little bit to making big changes in raising awareness of eating disorders and what they're really like - and building parent support networks and so on.... to feeling as if we're only chipping off the tip of the iceberg and that this thing is so massive and progress so slow, indeed sometimes it's not progress at all (e.g. that some GPs, etc still don't have the first idea about eating disorders as I read on another post on this forum today), that I feel the sheer exhaustion of wondering if things will ever change. And then we get things like PTSD which make it harder for us to do our bit.

But thankfully while we may be incapacitated, there are others that plough on ('plow' if you're American!).

But it can seem so huge that we barely scratch the surface.

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #106 
Hi dolphin,
I walked at the sea with my husband and we had two days nearly without ED (it just hit us with some phonecalls of d). It is not possible by now not to think about it a whole day but we get better in doing something on our own and for ourself. Yes it is sad that we all feel this negativ feelings and suffer this bad stuff. But it is better doing this together than alone, I think. I´m glad that you are all here.
Tina72
DolphinUK

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Reply with quote  #107 
Hi Tina, I am glad you got a little respite from AN by walking by the sea. Nature is so calming and the sea is fabulous for the sole.
I have been away for a couple of days and it was a brief respite too for me.
I have been writing down my thoughts and memories about D and I have fond that this is becoming a helpful way to manage my emotions when I feel totally out of control, to have a chance to write is soothing and helps to contain my thoughts and my over stimulated brain. I have been pouring my heart out in these "letters" to myself and they are way too emotional!
I am having to wait until September to access CBT /EMDR assessment so in the mean time will be continuing with my counsellor so at least I will have some support.

I hope today is a good day [smile]

Much love
Dolphin

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You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
tina72

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Reply with quote  #108 
Hi dolphin,
that is a good idea,I think I will try that, too. September is not so far, that is only a few weeks. We have waited so much in the last months/years. I really hope this will be a good day for you. Summer is fading a bit here in Germany, its not sooo hot any more and I like these days of "Altweibersommer", I think its called Indian Summer that will come soon.
Send you hugs!
Tina72
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #109 
I've just spent a week away in a sweet little country cottage - just me and my bicycle, being super-chilled. Absolutely zero anxiety. Highly recommended!
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
 
DolphinUK

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Reply with quote  #110 
Ok, so I have been away for a little while having EMDR for my past trauma regarding my daughters eating disorder. I have to say it has helped greatly regarding processing the bad memories and putting them where they belong in my brain, in the past. I believe it  a helpful Therapy, at least it was for me.
However, it is not an all encompassing solution to everything my brain is throwing at me and currently I am feeling low in mood and I seem to be left with very low self esteem. I have always struggled with lack of confidence and self esteem issues but recently these are very bad indeed. I was hoping the EMDR might have helped with this as PTSD leaves you with these feelings too.
I am trying so hard to take care of myself more and stop beating myself up about being "good enough" and I am doing things to try to regain my confidence so hopefully they will have a positive effect on my life soon.
In the mean time, whilst I wait, I am reflecting on how much trauma actually messes with your brain. But I do know that there is hope of full recovery and the brain is very good at healing itself and I will keep positive and moving forward.

xxx


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You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #111 
Dolphin, remember how you had to have hope for a full recovery when your loved one couldn't?  We have that hope for your full recovery. Trauma does nasty things to the brain and as we know ([biggrin]) brain healing takes time.  I hope you find the EMDR helpful.  It has been a really great tool in my toolbox as well as my daughter's.  Keep on keeping on!!!
Jasmine1

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Reply with quote  #112 
I don't think I'm the same person I was. I look back at the happy days when we all did things as a family and life seemed so innocent. It's like a darkness that came from nowhere came along and tried to destroy my daughter. Although she is doing well now - it's like something has changed. We went through hell and while I was the one who pretty much gave up my life to save hers I would get constant abuse from her. I know it was the illness speaking and not her but I sometimes felt abused and like no one actually cared. My daughter is possibly on the fringe of aspergers and has self harmed too. I've found parenting her a really traumatic awful experience and there are many days I think about running away myself. I have totally given her my ALL - everything I had inside me- every ounce of love, every penny, every piece of energy. Now I feel like I have nothing left - I hardly work as I was the one who had to sacrifice everything so my husband could keep down his job. All we want as parents is for our kids to be happy and to continually see your child struggle in so many aspects of life means I am continually broken hearted and worry about her future all the time. Will she ever be independent and able to cope, hold down a job, have friends? - I really don't know.
I have another daughter who hasn't had these issues and sometimes she has been the reason I'm still here. It's a joy to see her enjoying her life.
I admire everyone who helps out in the ED community and help others. I hope to one day. At the moment I feel too burnt out and flat.
My daughter is actually doing well at the moment and probably as happy as she can be. She's eating well, a healthy weight, academically great, has 1-2 friends and on the surface everything is great. I am very thankful and know I must appreciate that - but I sort of feel on guard of what's going to go wrong next [frown]




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Daughter was age 11 when she started restricting Aug 2014, admitted to paed ward Dec 2014 for low BP, pulse rate and spent 3 weeks there. As they were about to NG tube her, she decided to eat again. After approx. 1.5 years on a meal plan and lots of toil, sweat and tears she is weight restored and has just been discharged from NHS care. It's been a very slow traumatic process but each day we are making progress.
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #113 
Hi Jasmine, you poor thing. No wonder you are burned out. This is the time to take time out for yourself and not feel guilty for doing so. You must be kind to yourself, be your own best friend and pamper yourself while you allow your mind to heal. I know how very tough it is and how the trauma of battling with an ED for so very long, and often wondering if your child will pull through, can take such a toll. You are not alone in this.

I am so please your D is doing well, that's fantastic news. But many of us here will understand that underlying fear that 'it' will all come back and that we have to keep our eye on the ball just in case.

Do take care of yourself.

And you, too, dear Dolphin.

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
 
DolphinUK

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Reply with quote  #114 
Hi Jasmine,
Batty is correct in what she says about taking some self care. It is vitally important and if you feel that your daughter is in a better place currently then this is a good time to start to do this. It is hard. I know this. It has taken me 3 years to be able to start the process of self care and recovery but by doing this you are in a much stronger place to be able to continue to help your daughter recover. It can sometimes feel like you haven't got time to do this  or feels selfish to do this, because caring for your D is priority and you put your own needs on the back burner, and although this makes sense,and she is the ill person in all this, you DESERVE this too! Without taking care of yourself how you can not continue to care for her? You are doing a truly heroic job and YOU are equally important as a person in your own right. I am learning the process of self compassion and how important this is in recovering from the trauma we have faced and are still facing. You are  an amazing mum and are helping to save your daughters life, it is alright to look after yourself too.

Much love
Dolphin.  

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You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #115 
http://anorexiafamily.com/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/
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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #116 

http://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/PTSD-shows-up-in-parents-of-kids-with-cancer-2460433.php

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #117 
Hi everyone I have not posted for a while. We have WR for about 2 months and I am pushing for more. I thought that I would be ecstatic when she was WR, but I did not feel that at all. It felt a bit like a let down as I still need to keep being vigilant and cannot let go. I am sad and yes feel, no, I know I have PTSD.
I see ED in everyone now. I see people at my d's music classes who I feel habe ED. Any talk of food by others ex."healthy " makes me shake. It is hard to find pleasure in things I used to. D is in a good place. She really is. She is happy and doing well overall. I should feel joy but I know I am just worn out.
Thanks for being there for me.
EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #118 
ScaredMom, I was like that after WR, exactly like you describe. I did some EMDR therapy (weird with eye movements, but it's proven to help with trauma). It helped. I still THINK about ED and AN a lot but it doesn't trigger those emotions and that shaken feeling. Eva Musby also writes about EMDR and others on here have done it after their kids got better and they (parents) were still a mess. Just a recommendation from another mom of recovered (knock on wood) kid.
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #119 
I had over 30 EMDR sessions and they were really helpful - we processed loads of stuff. There is still some stuff that remains, but I think this is because - of course - we can't forget the ED years (unless someone wipes our memory lol!!). I also have a lot of anger at various professionals which I kind of don't want to lose, which I know sounds odd, but I feel that if I let it go then they'd have won in some bizarre way?? EMDR, though, was incredibly helpful. I also use various CBT techniques and mindfulness stuff learned along the way, too. ScaredMom, I hope you start to feel better and can perhaps get yourself some evidence-based therapy like EMDR??
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
 
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #120 
Thank You EC_mom and Batty-Matty,
I take what you have both said to heart.
EC_Mom

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Reply with quote  #121 
Eva Musby has talked about that "tapping" technique--here is the first I've seen of it in "mainstream" sources in the USA.

https://lifehacker.com/eliminate-stress-using-the-tapping-technique-1820166831
melstevUK

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Reply with quote  #122 
It's slightly different for me because I am retired now so I no longer have the pressure of going out to work or doing early mornings which were always a killer for me.  I have enough money for my needs although I still do have financial anxiety at times.  My daughter is doing great - although she suffers from depression and has to decide if she wants to take medication or not.  That is her decision and responsibility now and clearly I support her as much as I can, as any parent does for their children throughout their lives.

I had years of psychotherapy for lack of self-esteem, which was a life-saver, as was an ssri.

However in recent years the biggest liberator for me was to throw away any feelings of guilt - about anything.  I never set out to upset anyone, I have always done my best at home, in the workplace, as a friend and family member and partner.  I can only do my best and my best is good enough.  I have no problems with anything now - I don't do birthday cards, it is far too difficult for me to buy said card/write/post in box.  I buy for my mother, daughter and brothers and one niece because she has an easy date to remember.  My partner does all the cooking because I hate it.  No guilt there either.  I deserve to be looked after after awful surgery a few years back, is my take.  I hate housework and so do the minimum.   I aim to declutter because I know that will make me feel better but letting go of books is difficult.  I do the things I like doing and see friends when I can - but everyone has to take me as I am.  I know when I talk I get excited and interrupt people.  It must be so annoying but it is a habit I can't break and I do apologise.  But again - I am not doing guilt.

It is just such a different way of life after years of plagueing myself on every level, about needing to do more and not being good as I felt was the ideal.  Now I don't care and it is great.

A step which I can highly recommend!  Please try it.

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Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
melstevUK

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Reply with quote  #123 
And I should add that successive governments do their best to make you feel guilty for being alive and human.  I didn't invent cars and I don't believe I am to blame personally for climate change.  I could worry and feel guilty about: my carbon footprint, not recycling enough, eating meat, not giving enough to charity, wasting food, being a burden on the NHS, - the list goes on.  But I don't do it.

It's insidious how putting the blame down the line for the world's problems has increased.  In the past politicians were expected to deal with the world's problems, but now they have a wonderful way of making citizens take the blame for things that have gone wrong in our societies, which have become so huge and complex, particularly with globalisation which has changed everything beyond recognition.

And I really think our kids are getting a raw deal on this level - they have too many things put on them to worry about at an age when they really should be allowed to have a childhood.

Rant over.  

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Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #124 
Hi melstevUK,
I have nothing to add.
You are so right and we should stop blaming ourself for anything.
We should show our kids that we love ourselves and that we don´t feel shame, blame and guilt so they can follow this example.
Great post!
Tina72

toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #125 
http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/when-nobody-knows-your-sorrow-on-parenting-a-child-with-mental-illness/
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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
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