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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #1 
As parents of a young person with an eating disorder, we have been through a pretty tough patch (to say the least!!!) and it's not surprising that, once our children are recoverd, these experiences can leave some scars on our own states of mind.

My 22-year old son is now fully recovered from anorexia (after falling sick in 2009, aged 15) but it was a hellish journey that took its toll on my anxiety levels and a whole lot more besides.

After 12 months or so of being OK (when I wrote my books, back in 2012/13), I slipped into what has been diagnosed as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).

It's something I've been struggling with for 2 or 3 years now. At long last, following a succession of treatments and therapies c/o our UK NHS Psychology & Psychotherapy Services - the latest of which is a course of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) from one of our city's top specialists - plus a ton of self-help books plus the genuine, caring support of some of the fantastic friends I've made over the years on this forum since I first joined in spring 2010 (you know who you are!), I think that I'm finally coming out the other side!!

I'm also currently blogging about my experiences with post-ED C-PTSD if anyone is interested! (See below)

As a footnote: my son is nearly 23. Over the past 9 months or so I've been aware of a huge change in him - for the better. He is going from strength to strength. In July he got a 'first' in his BA Degree and is now studying for a Masters. He has a big, active social life and a great group of friends. Most important of all, he has left the eating disorder behind him. I would love to feel that this offers hope to other parents strugging to get their sons or daughters through an eating disorder.

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
FaithKeepsMeGoing

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Reply with quote  #2 
Batty, my daughter fell ill around the same time as your son, and I remember you from the forum back then.  I'm so glad your son is doing so well - congratulations to you for a job well done!  

I think it's pretty normal for caregivers to experience PTSD after going through such a traumatic experience, and I know several parents who experience it after dealing with their children's various illnesses.  I seem to remember mamabear mentioning PTSD on this forum, too.

I don't think I ever had true PTSD, but I was totally exhausted, and once my youngest got back to a safer weight (but not WR, that took a very long time), another of my daughters developed severe, disabling ocd, and I had to jump into that fight.  I'm still helping her fight the ocd, and once she's doing better, I hope I'll just be able to rest a bit. [rolleyes]  Well, I can hope.

Thank you for posting the link to your blog, and I hope and pray that you'll be feeling better soon.

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The Irish tell the story of a man who arrives at the gates of Heaven and asks to be let in.  St. Peter says, “Of course. Show us your scars.”  But the man replies, “I have no scars.”   St. Peter shakes his head and says, “What a pity. Was there nothing worth fighting for?”

toughbattler

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Reply with quote  #3 
Hi Battymatty
I was sorry to hear about your struggles with PTSD. It's a topic I'm interested in myself and believe is very common amongst carers once they emerge from crisis mode, blinking in the headlights. Suspect lots of people suffer in silence, so applaud you speaking out on this. I once heard Prof Stephen Joseph present on PRSD and its one silver lining. He has written an excellent book called What Doesn't Kill You.. which is well worth a read.
He works closely with Prof Stephen Regel at the Trauma Centre in Notts and they have cowritten another book on PTSD., which I also recommend. Sending you positive healing energy to continue the fight xx
AUSSIEedfamily

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Reply with quote  #4 
Dear BattyMatty_UK,

I have come out the other side much better & with no PTSD.

BUT! for the first 6 years of our D's ilness I was simply a bystander dad. My employment as a plant/machinery inspector for an engineering company meant that I did a heck of a lot of working away. So for my situation it was mostly my wife who did doctor, hospital, pshycholgy, psychiarty appointments etc from 2004 until early 2010

In the first 6 months of 2008 I was often away working on lots of different sites/projects. In that first 6 months I had only about 10 weekends at home. For the other part of 2008 & for early months of 2009 I was very very busy at work & even when I was home I was often in the office. Then on the 21st of May 2009 around 9.30 in the morning after being at my desk since around 4.00 AM I had a huge & monumental mental crash. A very important project I was doing that I believed was about 80% completed was suddenly only 30% because of various reasons some my fault some others fault & to make matters worse we were a month over due!! My brain & mind just shut down I still dont know how I drove home from the office!!! Diagnosed with Major Depression with associated Panic & Anxiety disorders I spent three months off work completly then a gradual return to work over 4 months. First month one day a week, second month 2 days a week until the 5th month doing 5 days a week.

Little did I know that just as I was returning to work the ED monster was starting to redevelop in our daughter. Then in early 2010 just a few weeks after I got officially signed off from my workers compo period, ED showed itself BIG TIME!! My previous nearly 9 months of serious & potentially fatal work caused mental health illness was my training & skill aquisition course to deal with the ED monster!!

So for me PTSD means Pre-Trauma Stress Disorder instead of "Post"

For those interested in our experience see my ATDT post titled Father & Professor collaboration

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mamabear

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Reply with quote  #5 
My d was diagnosed in the fall of 2010 at age 10.5. She is now 16.5. She has been in a really solid recovery for about 3 years now.

When she started really doing well, 3 years in, is when I fell apart. I couldn't get out of bed. I slept all of the time. I felt like my vision was clouded by a grey fog. I had insomnia and lots of headaches. All of my previous injuries of life felt exacerbated. My joints ached and muscles throbbed. It was like three years of fight or flight had affected my brain chemistry and I was SPENT.

I forced myself to get dressed...eat....and started private therapy for me. I started on Wellbutrin. I started going to the chiropractor. I also now get regular acupuncture and myofacial release therapy. This fall I was hospitalized for infectious colitis and then spent so much time in bed that I blew my SI joint out of whack. I lost 20 pounds quickly ( had gained 30 eating with D).

I've climbed out of my PTSD hole. I still take Wellbutrin and may long term. It has helped me get back on a human schedule. I've started to reconnect with people. I'm getting back into my passion of childbirth education, breastfeeding counseling, and have been asked to start a doula group at a local hospital. I feel like ED stripped me of myself there for a long time. Also after D was well my oldest suffered from PTSD. Terrified her sister would relapse.

This is a long haul and I don't think it's possible to come out unscathed.
Be kind to yourselves. This is heros work.

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #6 
Thanks for your input everyone. Very interesting. Tough, I will check out that book. AussieED, you sound like my H when my son was sick. My H was working away, 'holding the fort together'. He still feels a lot of (IMO completely unjustified) guilt about leaving me to cope with the ED. I must say that EMDR, administered and monitored properly, seems to be doing the trick. It is evidence-based. At first I was mega sceptical - it sounded like some kind of weird mumbo jumbo technique, but it does work!

I am finding, as I go on, that the key is to take small steps and draw back whenever you feel like running before you can walk, as I am prone to do!! I say to myself "Woah!!! Time for a cuppa."

For MONTHS... well a couple of YEARS really.... everything felt 'too big' and over the past months I've been withdrawing more and more and becoming dissociated and mega numb without any feelings, negative or positive - and with regular nightmares / night terrors. But as the therapy starts to work I am definitely thawing out and beginning to feel again. It feels really odd and wonderful at the same time! For the first time for ages, I've been able to visit this forum, blog (biz and ED blogs), go out and do stuff, even de-clutter the house! All of this would have sent me scuttling for my duvet and knitting up until very recently, so this is definitely progress and I am so fortunate in having a supportive H.

So positive news, all in all!

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you, toothfairy! The fact that I am here on the forum again means I'm recovering - I couldn't face this forum for many, many months or indeed anything to do with EDs. But I am back, and hopefully our success story will inspire others that there is hope. EMDR is definitely working, re the C-PTSD. I am astonished at how much better and more human I feel! I do hope you feel better soon, toothfairy. We parents have taken a heck of a battering from the evil ED!
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
WeNWinning

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Reply with quote  #8 
So glad the EMDR is working as that is the one treatment I found to be effective.
I am also getting rTMS for PTSD 

Since my D has gotten back into another progressing relapse, I found that my PTSD escalated again.

as well as depression which is rTMS also helps for.

The wiring in the brain from being exposed to these traumas for so many years, is very tough on us and our emotional conditioning. 

but there are treatments that are more effective than talking therapies or even CBT

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berry75

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Reply with quote  #9 
I don't know if you ever really get past the horror of an eating disorder diagnosis.My daughter was diagnosed not long after my mum was diagnosed with terminal Ovarian cancer.At the time I thought there was nothing worse than Cancer.The thought of losing my daughter kept me up at night,searching the Internet for answers and luckily finding this forum.Every morning for months I would have what I now know were panic attacks the minute I opened my eyes,mind racing about all of the things that could go wrong that day.My daughter is doing well but I know I will never be able to let my guard down.I always worry about her relapsing.I think I always will.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
My daughter is doing well but I know I will never be able to let my guard down.I always worry about her relapsing.I think I always will.


This is where I am.  When I saw the title of this thread, my first thought was does ED ever go completely away?[frown]  I am far more aware of things now that I wish I wasn't and I don't think that constant vigilance will ever go away.
hopeful_mum

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Reply with quote  #11 
Thanks for sharing all this information BattyMattyUK.  I also have been struggling with mild PTSD (not diagnosed) for the past year or so.  I felt overwhelmed by tasks that I would ordinarily just take in my stride pre-ED.  I had so much emotion, guilt and experiences whirring around my head that it made me jittery and restless.  Thankfully, my sleep has not been disturbed but I have had good and bad days where the bad days seem to come about for no rhyme nor reason.  On a bad day my head is whirring with negative thoughts so badly that my head actually aches and feels so heavy from the strain of it all.  I am ordinarily not a very tearful person but through this time have cried more than any other time in my life.  In the early days of my mild-PTSD I would simply just sit about and hardly do anything.  I would still do the chores around the house but these would often seem overwhelming but I did them just the same as I didn't want to give into my low mood entirely.  I would constantly feel tired and often just have to put myself to bed in the afternoon.  The fact that most of my friends didnt know about my daughter's diagnosis added to my difficulties.  I felt that I was emotionally dying inside but no-one even noticed which I soon began to translate that no-one cared.  This started to effect friendships.  But slowly I started to become involved in voluntary work for a local mental health charity which at the beginning felt totally out of my depth.  But, I persevered and have only recently started to feel more comfortable with this work.  I have also set up a support group which has also helped immensely.  I feel I have come a long way by myself which I am very grateful for but I will be starting counselling this week to help me with a few issues that I cant seem to resolve by myself. 
The journey from weight restoration is definitely a hard and difficult one.  But I am starting to realise that it is also an enriching experience and I have benefitted so much from it all.  I understand my d who had ED so much better than I ever did prior to diagnosis.  Throughout her childhood I often prayed to understand how to deal with her coz she was so different to my other children.  Through ED I think I finally understand her and have a better relationship with her which I never thought I would be saying a year ago. 

Here's to our journeys going onwards and upwards to a complete recovery for us as well as our loved ones which will bring new opportunities and a deeper understanding of others.
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #12 
Hi Hopeful, Thanks for sharing your experience. That sounds a lot like me! Especially the 'too big' feeling. Everything felt 'too big'. Only now am I able to embark on things that previously would have sent me scuttling for the safety of my duvet. Other things, however, are still 'too big', primarily things to do with work.

Also like you, I hid my difficulties - both during my son's ED and during my own PTSD. And like you I translated it that no-one cared - that they assumed that because the ED was gone, I was back to normal again when I was far from normal!!!

You seem to have done a heck of a lot to overcome this, Hopeful. You are a strong person!! And I agree with you that there are positives that have come out of the nightmare. For quite some time I avoided the world of EDs being unable to face anything ED, but more recently I've found myself sticking a toe in the water e.g. coming back onto this forum, because we post-ED parents have a lot to offer those who are currently embarking on this hellish experience. Just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have been able to visit the forum at all. The fact that I am here now is proof that the PTSD is evaporating, slowly but surely.

I hope your support group goes well. I am sure you will help loads of people who will benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Bev xxx

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
Jasmine1

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Reply with quote  #13 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkz


This is where I am.  When I saw the title of this thread, my first thought was does ED ever go completely away?[frown]  I am far more aware of things now that I wish I wasn't and I don't think that constant vigilance will ever go away.


same here too!! My daughter is doing well at the moment and just been discharged from community care. The nurse there said that my husband and I need to let go of ED too. If my daughter misses a snack these days we don't have to worry too much as long as she's overall eating well. But of course we still worry and our fears take over - thinking we might be back on the slippery slide again if she misses something. We are really trying to relax about it more.
I also find myself getting really tearful when I stop and think about what we all went through, including her younger sister who had a tough time too 
But also greatful and thankful she is here with us today

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Daughter was age 11 when she started restricting Aug 2014, admitted to paed ward Dec 2014 for low BP, pulse rate and spent 3 weeks there. As they were about to NG tube her, she decided to eat again. After approx. 1.5 years on a meal plan and lots of toil, sweat and tears she is weight restored and has just been discharged from NHS care. It's been a very slow traumatic process but each day we are making progress.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #14 
Sometimes I'm not sure how to get through the aftermath.when I was in the thick of things, I fought, but now I find myself sometimes in tears and struggling.and for us, because recovery came with brain healing but not body healing,we have all paid a heavy price.d was crying yesterday and apologising for what she put us through and I did my best to console her but mostly I just try to work through my residual anger and pain-not just with her,but also with family members who were not what I needed them to be.
It's been the worst three years of my life-and I thought nursing my mother through 4years of terminal illness was awful.im in the midst of doing refeeding with smallboy-it's so easy cause he just eats what I give him.his is weight loss caused by Ritalin,but it shows me that he has probably got the gene for rapid onset weight loss.i don't think I could do this again.
If my ds mental state changed back to anorexic,I don't think I could do what I did.also, she would be an adult so that would change things again.i too live with fear of what could happen- I have three kids, my an d is the oldest, so it could happen to the others.
Some days recently have been very difficult.i get through, but it's just not like we think it will be sometimes I guess.

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #15 
(((Sotired and Jasmine1)))
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
hopeful22

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Reply with quote  #16 
Thanks so much for sharing all of these insights. You are all amazing parents and your words of wisdom always get me through tough times. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone, even though I often feel that I am. My daughter has been doing well for about 4 months. A few weird eating habits, but overall happy, healthy and enjoying her life. Her weight is solid and she eats enough. I still find myself stressed about every meal, but I manage to keep it inside. I sometimes I think I have a bigger problem dealing with the aftermath of the ED than my D does.

Tonight she came home from school and I recognized that look in her eyes that Ihahdn't seen in these last months. She started asking what we were having fro dinner and then didn't want to eat. Rather than being the strong, patient mom I know I am supposed to be, I got angry and lashed out. I find that after all we went through, it is always just below the surface ready to come out. All of those feelings of fear and anger. I am so ashamed that I didn't' handle a minor setback better and keep it in perspective. My rational self knows what to do, but I wasn't in control of my feelings. Rather than help her deal with her stress, I only added to it and forced her to dig in her heels. I feel so terrible and fear that this will never be behind us.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #17 
I don't think your reaction is that uncommon tbh.when things have gone well and then there's a setback it takes us-not our kids,but us the caregivers-right back to the beginning but with the added problem of now knowing just how hard the going can be.
I'm not being flip here hopeful, but honestly, try and forgive yourself,apologise to your d if you feel it's warranted,and just move on.theres another meal coming up and the one after that and after that...if you get bogged down in one over reaction it will stop you doing what you need to get done.yup, it was a crap meal, let's just keep moving forward,would be how I'd put it to myself.you aren't superhuman and there are going to be days like this.
If there is a refusal to eat past a day,take your d in for assessment as they can go downhill faster sometimes after having been weight recoverd and eating regularly.
Good luck moving forward-remember always that you are a good person,doing the best you can.thats all we can ask of ourselves.

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AUSSIEedfamily

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Reply with quote  #18 
Dear hopeful22,

""Feed Back not failure"" even when we are learning about ourselves. We are under a significant level of stress & we deal with it 24 hours a day 7 days a week 52 weeks a year we are not going to get it exactly right all the time every time. Dont beat yourself up over a slight slip of concentration & patience.

If you think it will work try and do some type of apology to your D although avoid completly apologising to the ED.

As others have said you are a great mother doing exceptional work saving your D's life!!

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #19 
Definitely not an uncommon reaction! I'd say it's normal. As I used to say to my son on those occasions when I snapped "Sorry but I am only human..." (by way of an apology). As parents our brains face onslaught often 24/7/365. We go to places that are beyond most people's wildest nightmares. We have to cope with things that are way, way out of the ordinary. And, unlike many illnesses, we have to fight with a child who (care of the ED thinking) doesn't want to get well. And sometimes we have to fight with the treatment team and / or insurers, too.

It is not surprising that, at many points along the line, our brains blow a fuse. This is not an assumption, it is a scientific fact. And that, in the months and years afterwards, we can develop PTSD-like symptoms and depression. There is a very good book called "Depressive illness, the curse of the strong" which describes brilliantly how the brain reacts to extreme stress. It explains why we are strong because we keep on going long after other people might have given up.

So if you ever feel that you have 'failed' by yelling or going crazy, or just curling up in a ball and weeping (like I did on many occasion), remember that this is a NORMAL reaction and that this has happened because you are strong - you've kept on going, kept on trying, kept on loving your child because, as parents, we know that no matter how hard this journey, we can never give up on our child. We will keep on going. We'll learn from any 'yelling blips', put it aside and move on to the next day - and the next. Gosh, you are so very strong, ladies (and gents)!!!!

plate 002.jpg Here's a photo of the day I smashed the dinner service on the kitchen floor - a day when I had a Super Blip!!! (Thankfully I was alone in the house at the time!!)

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #20 
Batty, thanks for posting this, I saw this the other day and I have to say I cried my eyes out.



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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
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Reply with quote  #21 
My d is doing incredibly well now and I think that we have reached the turning point that she will not go backwards again this time.  She has finally put chicken back into her diet, realising that it makes everything easier.  She is enjoying eating for the first time in years and is accepting that she feels fat but that her brain is playing tricks on her and giving her false messages. She is holding down her job as a paediatric oncology nurse and I am really proud of her.

We have coped through everything and I am always vigilant so while I have lost the extreme anxiety that she will die - for me life has really lost all sweetness.  I know I have had other issues to deal with (death of my father and my h at very young ages) but ultimately I feel I was selfish for wanting a child who was born to suffer so much and I feel guilty about it.  She gave and gives me great joy but she has a depressive brain and has the ed tendencies and when she was in her teens she told me that she used to ask other friends if they ever felt suicidal and they looked her as if she was daft.
I can do nothing but tell her that we are all only on this planet once, that we have to do our best in every way and that helping others makes for a richer kind of life.  She follows my advice, rings me up when she has difficulties over any issue and allows me to comfort and encourage her and get her back 'on track'.

But I am sad for her that life is so difficult and although I can honestly say that in my retirement I am as happy and as well as I can be, I just feel that when I reach the end of my life I will breathe a big sigh of relief and say 'It's over, thank the Lord.'

I look at what is happening in Syria and the tragedy for all those poor people and I know that I have relatively little to complain about in so many ways.  But when you have a brain that is not set at a naturally buoyant level, living every day is difficult.  I never want to get out of bed, even on holiday.  I can enjoy friendships, knitting, my relationship, all the small things but there is a huge hollow interior of sadness that life has been so hard right the way through.  I know I am not clinically depressed as I take antidepressants - which I love because it is really hard to cry on them.

All I ever wanted was a 'normal' two parent family with two or three kids.  Was I unreasonable in what I wanted?  I don't know, but I feel my d has drawn the short straw in terms of her brain and her situation - and that makes me really sad, for her and for me.

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #22 
Oh Melstev, thank you for being so open and honest. I am so sorry you feel the way you do, but so pleased that your D is improving such a lot. Hopefully life will get less stressful for you now that you are retired.

We can't compare our situations with other people's situations. We have been to hell and back - a different kind of hell from others (e.g. Syria). Nevertheless we have been to hell and back.

I know how hard it is to 'feel normal' again, even when our children are doing so well. In an ideal world we should be whooping for glee and going out on the town to celebrate. I remember long ago, probably on this forum, saying that when our children were well we'd go out and drink umpteen bottles of Champagne.

We never did, of course, because there was never a day when we could say "yesterday my child was sick, today he is well". And we were in this thing for so very long. It's a bit like when I was pregnant with my son and quite ill. Then I had a horrendous delivery. I'd always said that immediately after he was born I'd drink a bottle of Champers and eat all the things you're not allowed to eat when pregnant! But I never did either; I just felt so shell-shocked and sore!!

Big hugs, Mel. You know you were always a life-saver for me during those dark days when my son was sick with the ED. I appreciate your help and support so very much; it's beyond words really.

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

'Friend me' on my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/battymatty76
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Reply with quote  #23 
toothfairy - thank you for your reply and kind words and for your Christmas wishes.  I also hope you have a restful Christmas and that you can mentally rest from life with ed for a day at least!  I think of eds as being like the dementors in the Harry Potter books.  They really do suck the joy out of life.

Batty, you have been there for me too and I value our friendship.  It is indeed a question of going to hell and back - and we all wish we had never had to go there.  On better days I can see the positives and acknowledge that my d is a more caring and compassionate person because of her illness and life does not always feel that bad.  But at times that 'quiet despair' gets the better of me.
Thank you for your reply - and sorry about the horrendous birth experience too.  These things never leave us quite the same. 

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Torie

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Reply with quote  #24 
Quote:
Originally Posted by melstevUK
These things never leave us quite the same. 


Amen to that.  At the top of my "least favorite sayings" list is that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Uh, no.  It just turns you into the walking wounded. xx

-Torie

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #25 
Yes, true, Torie. But we are strong as well, if only because we had no choice but to be. The alternative was too horrendous to contemplate.
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver. Please do check out my blog: http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

Get free PDFs of my past blog posts 2011 - 2016: http://bevmattocks.co.uk/blogspdfs.html (Easier to read; more linear than clicking around the blog itself.)

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