User’s Guide | Rules | Contact a Moderator | Registration or Login Problems? | Eating Disorders Learning Center | F.E.A.S.T.



Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content:
Register Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 2      1   2   Next
newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #1 
I’m very new to this and feeling extremely overwhelmed. I only discovered my daughter has an eating disorder 3 days ago when her counsellor told me she is being referred to an eating disorder clinic. I came here searching for information and support. I’m so out of my depth and scared of what to say and do, or not say and so while we wait for forms to be filled out and to get on the waiting list.

Don’t really know if this is the thing to do or if anyone out there will even see this. I just didnt know what else to do.
coffeeandcake

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 11
Reply with quote  #2 
You have come to the right place- this forum is full of people who have been or are exactly where you are, and understand how scared and overwhelmed you are feeling right now.

There are lots of very experienced people who will be able give you the help and support you need here.

I'm not sure which country you are in (I'm in New Zealand) but I think at the moment it's night time in the USA and early morning in the U.K., so people from there might not respond immediately but for sure they will!

So until the wise ones chip in, just know it's ok to feel scared and out of your depth- I still do at times and I've been in this with my daughter for a few years now.
Things will get better!

newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you so much for your post. I hadn’t thought about the time difference (I’m in NZ too) and was starting to think there was not going to be a reply, so that was really nice to see.

Scared and out of my depth is exactly right. My daughter is only 14 and has suffered with anxiety and panic attacks for the past 3 years. I thought that was bad. This feels completely overwhelming.

From the few things I’ve read over the last few days, the ED can follow on or go hand in hand with anxiety. Makes sense. The lack of control she must feel over anxiety, and eating is something she can control. I just didn’t realise she was.

The scary part is I don’t know how long it’s been going on for. Which of course I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on. All the little things were dismissed as ‘teen fussiness’ or just a part of her anxiety. Like the not wanting to eat around people, sleeping badly, tired all the time, etc. I’m so worried how sick she may become. And the hard part is this time from now where I am aware but we aren’t even on a waiting list for any sort of treatment.

Added to that she is sitting year 10 exams next week, so I’m really trying my hardest to get her through that without too much discussion on this issue. She wants to change schools, which I have previously said no to because I felt it was mainly because her gf and best friend go there. Now I’m worried that I haven’t really listened and she is in danger of more self harm if she doesn’t change schools. But I feel like a new school won’t change how she feels about herself. It may only help in a small way with her anxiety.

I feel too scared to say anything about it and she hates (with a passion) having to talk about her feelings. I agreed at the counselling session to only ask if she wants to talk about something and she is free to say no. Which she did. I stuffed up tonight because I heard her with serviettes and went out to catch her hiding food. Which I confronted her about. She got upset and said she just didn’t want me to be worried that she didn’t want to eat. I said the hiding food makes me more concerned than leaving food on her plate would. Asked her to leave food on her plate or discuss not being hungry beforehand. I’m picking I did the wrong thing. But I’m so paranoid now. I even think she might be purging. How do I just let this go?!

The counselling sessions have now ended (only allowed 6), and it feels like I’m out there on my own with her, not knowing how to get through the next bit until we can get treatment.
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #4 
Welcome to the forum, sorry that you have had to find your way here. 

The first part of learning how to deal with her ED is to arm yourself with knowledge. How much of her anxiety is her ED and how much is pre-existing will be hard to tell because in the end it all gets tangled up. Her eating disorder however needs treatment priority over the anxiety, and her anxiety may get worse as part of the treatment. It may be a bumpy ride. 

I would suggest going to the learning centre, and reading as much as you can but particularly the FEAST family guides. Give them to anyone else who is going to be involved in her care. You don't mention which eating disorder they believe your D has, but all eating disorders require regular meals and full nutrition as part of their treatment. If she has lost weight she will need to regain weight. 

Right now I wouldn't even be considering school changes, her eating disorder far and away takes priority. 

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #5 
Thanks for that. I will have to go and have a look through the learning centre.

They think she has anorexia. I was too stunned to ask any questions at the meeting and of course now I have a ton. I did text the counselled the day after but she still hasn’t replied.

Hearing that her anxiety may get worse is very scary. I was hoping if we got the anxiety under control, the eating might follow. Guess that was a bit naive.

I feel like she has definitely lost weight. She was very slim anyway, but now she feels thin when I hug her. The counsellor said she had a goal weight in mind, which was a weight she was a couple of years ago. I had no idea she weighed herself at all!

I can’t help but feel this has become an issue since she started seeing her gf, around 6 months ago. I don’t know I’d thats right or not but I’m beginning to be worried at the amount of time they spend together. But changing anything on that front at this point is surely going to end badly.

Her gf is at the other school and I feel like she is encouraging her to pester me to go there. I could be wrong, I don’t know. She talks of how lonely and miserable she is at her current school. I don’t feel like changing schools would change anything for her. Or if it did, it would only be temporarily.

Previously when she has said she’s tired all the time, I’ve said it’s because she doesn’t eat properly. Now I’m scared to say anything much at all. In the last few days all I can see is how thin she is and how tired. I’m so worried.

Unfortunately, for me, stress causes me to not eat. Ironic. I just feel sick all the time.
deenl

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 891
Reply with quote  #6 
Hi newbie3 and welcome.

Rest assured that we have all felt what you feel. There is a very steep learning curve in the initial stage. Just wondering if you have visited our Learning Centre?

Like you, we certainly wondered how long it had been going on etc. Our son is a very private person and has never had any therapy. He hid food and for some months early on we had to frisk him after every meal. etc. What I am trying to say is that if you have experienced it then chances are that someone here has experienced it too. So ask any questions you have and we will chime in with our experiences and what worked for us. Remember though to take what you like and leave the rest. There is unfortunately, no one size fits all solution so you will need to take the ideas and fit them to your situation. Expect some trial and error. 

Eating disorders are biologically based brain disorders. No one knows exactly the recipe for triggering the illness but we do know parts. First, genes. You cannot get the illness unless you have the genetic tendency. Second, negative energy balance, that is, consuming fewer calories than your body requires. This can happen for many reasons, diet, new braces, sponsored fast, growth spurt, transfer to a new sports team, depression or anxiety. This causes the ED genes to switch on. Thereafter, it is a long, difficult journey back to health but the good thing is that the prognoses is good, especially for the younger patient who will be under the care and guidance of family for longer.

The initial step is nutritional rehabilitation, that is, getting a habit of eating started, 3 meals, 2/3 snacks per day, a good balance of protein, carbohydrates and fats, prioritizing eating no matter what and working towards FULL weight restoration (as your daughter is young this will be a constantly changing figure until she is in her mid 20s) Thereafter, dealing with any co-morbid issues (although where these interfere with eating they may need to be treated simultaneously)

The eating disorder gives the illusion of control. That's all it is, an illusion. Our kids have lost any ability to control their lives. The eating disorder controls everything and is punishing our kids mightily. You may notice that I separate our kids and the eating disorder. This is a mental trick that enables us as caregivers to love our kids and be affectionate and supportive while battling as hard as we can to extinguish the eating disorder behaviors. Some kids experience this difference internally and refer to an 'ED voice' some do not. Our son did not and he hated if we referred to the ED as a separate entity. We simply talked about the illness and the symptoms.

As regards school, some have found it to be a great motivator for their kids to eat, some have found that their kids could not recover and deal with the stress of school at the same time. Either way, the absolute first priority is that your child is full nourished. There can be no possible recovery from an eating disorder without full nutritional rehabilitation.

Now, deep breath. There is almost no way to support your child to health and maintain a calm atmosphere. Really, the minute you challenge the symptoms of the illness the poop will hit the fan. It can really get extreme but the good news is that as you are consistent and persistent it calms after a few weeks. Many parents here have reported their healthy kids telling them years later how relieved they were that their parents made them eat. They were suffering but the ED would not allow them to eat. Their parents insisting was an absolute relief inside even though they were raging, spitting, throwing things etc on the outside. 

Because of anosognosia, that one of the symptoms of malnourishment on the brain, I would recommend not discussing anything with your daughter. They cannot process the logic of our arguments and in my sons case it just caused the ED to flair up even stronger. Here is a link explaining it. Instead, we develop mantras and change the subject.

As regards professional support, there are a number of other parents fro NZ who will probably post and know the system and can give you better information than I can. Although most of recovery will happen at home, day in, day out.

Please feel free to vent, ask questions, share. We are here to support you and share the bitter pills of our own experiences and give you perspective by sharing the joys of seeing our (nearly) recovered kids do normal, everyday things. (One of the silver linings is how precious everyday moments can be, although it may take a while to get there)

Warm wishes,

D


__________________
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
deenl

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 891
Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie3
Unfortunately, for me, stress causes me to not eat. Ironic. I just feel sick all the time.


Ditto. But as adults we absolutely need to give the example. We need to eat a normal portion in spite of our anxiety. It is, after all, what our kids need to do. I remember really well eating past the lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach, thinking all the time that I had to do it for my son. The irony did not escape me either.

Warm wishes,
D

__________________
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #8 
A word of warning, if your D has always been thin and the counsellor wants her to weigh the same at 14 as she did at 12 that weight is too low. Children should always be gaining weight right up until the early 20's. If she has lost weight her true deficit in weight is the loss plus what she should have gained. 

We all are very bewildered when we arrive here. There is so much to learn, and this is a very counterintuitive illness. 

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
toothfairy

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,941
Reply with quote  #9 
Hi there,
Good morning from Dublin, Ireland.
This is a steep learning curve, but recovery is possible.
We will try and help you. Ask as many questions as you like.
TF x

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #10 
Greetings from the US.  As others have said, welcome to a place no one ever wants to be but is grateful to find when needed.  Ask your questions and we'll do our best to answer.

toothfairy

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,941
Reply with quote  #11 
My Advice to you now is , not to wait on some waiting list, but to act now.
Food is her medicine.
Take control and re-feed her.
First I recommend the book, Anorexia and other eating disorders by Eva Musby to start.
She also has a good website.
 http://anorexiafamily.com/

and videos 

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
toothfairy

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,941
Reply with quote  #12 

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
toothfairy

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,941
Reply with quote  #13 
I think this is brilliant, it was made by another parent advocate that has kindly allowed me to share.

1. You prepare meals
 
2. Do not allow your child in the kitchen during meal prep

3. Your child should not go grocery shopping.

4. Toilet before meal and no toilet for at least an hour afterwards.

5. If purging is suspected, use an open door policy in the bathroom, or have them count or sing whilst in there. And no flushing

6. Do not negotiate - whatever you serve has to be eaten

7. Use whatever leverage you have - phone, Internet, tv - whatever they hold dear is to be removed if they refuse to eat, until they have eaten. If they're older and are not financially independent, this is your leverage

8. Separate the two - Your child is not the ED

9. Detach yourself from the situation during meals. Do not get drawn into emotional discussions. THIS IS NOT UP FOR NEGOTIATION

10. Remember that your child wants to recover - the ED is stopping them

11. Your child needs your permission to eat. They need you to stand up to ED as they do not have the strength to do so themselves

12. 3 meals and 3 snacks per day (supervised) - do not deviate from this. Add time limits to the meals (as a guide/goal!). Ours (and the hospitals) was 30 mins for meals and 15 mins for snacks. In the early days this could extend A LOT. I made my Ds meal times the same as they'd be at school so that when she transitioned back to full time it would be easier and less anxiety provoking.

13. High calories are needed throughout refeeding with lots of full fat dairy. Some need as much as 6,000 cals with hyper metabolism, but the norm would be minimum 3500-4000 cals often much more (for you to track not your child)

14. When they know you will not negotiate, I promise you will see the weight lifted from their shoulders... If only for very short periods

15. BE THE CAGE that keeps ED away from your child

16. When food is eaten be mum / dad again and have cuddles if they'll let you

17. 24/7 supervision - I slept with my Teen months - this will protect against them purging through vomiting or exercise. Many patients will exercise alone at night for hours on end when nobody else is awake.

18. All sport may need to stop in the early stages, and
for those who compulsively exercised this could be long term.

19. Be consistent, consistent consistent!

20. Don't congratulate them after a meal or say 'well done' - just cheer inwardly! Likewise when (for girls) their period returns!

21. Learn from others. I found this website with stories of other parents journey through recovery to be extremely helpful - http://www.maudsleyparents.org/familystories.html

22. Recommended reading: 'Brave Girl Eating' by Harriet Brown

23. Be prepared for resistance, and lots of it! You will find your own way to manage this, but NEVER back down. Any compromise is a win for ED. Remember, you have to see the beast to slay beast!

24. Making decisions / choices is extremely difficult for them (painful to watch). This is true in areas outside of food too. If you've tried to hand over some control of a meal or snack and notice that they are struggling, that is an indication that it is too soon and that you need to be making those decisions for them.

25. Sometimes distraction helps during meal times. That can come in the form of games,TV, music. Whatever it is you control it and it only continues with eating.

26. Lean on us - you have 24/7 support here as FEAST/ATDT  is international



Hope this helps! Best of luck!

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
sk8r31

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,266
Reply with quote  #14 
Sending a warm welcome to you as well...sorry you have a need to be here on the forum, but hoping it offers the support you need to help your d on the road to full recovery.

My d was also dx at 14, and has/had anxiety issues, so I can understand your feelings at present.  The dx came out of the blue for us, after d told us she wanted to eat more healthfully.  She was never at a weight outside of 'normal range' for her height, but her weight loss was very precipitous and necessitated a hospital stay for medical stabilization.

Our journey was made much longer & harder because we did not have access to good, evidence-based treatment in our small community.  Once we were able to access good treatment, & with the support of this online community, we were able to help our d move forward into full recovery.

It is a steep learning curve, but there are excellent materials in the learning resource section of the main FEAST website, and TF has provided some very good video links.  

You may find this article helpful which includes a FEASTie family from NZ.  

Sending strength and support,
sk8r31



__________________
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #15 
Hi newbie - So sorry you needed to join us here.  Ugh.  

It took me a long time to grasp this, but the only thing that really matters right now is getting your d's weight up.  School only matters as it fits into the refeeding - whatever works best for refeeding her is what should be happening with respect to school.  I would definitely not change schools at the moment - if she asks about that, I might say something like, "That's something we might be able to do when you can eat normally again."  Perhaps it will be useful as motivation to eat, but in the early days, the rewards need to be much more immediate.  For example, "When you have finished your breakfast, you can go to school," or, "When you have finished your snack, we can finish the Scrabble game."  Or whatever.

Most here find it best to keep ED-kid out of the grocery store and the kitchen - it is the parent's job to plan meals, shop, cook, and serve.  Your d's only job is to eat what you serve.  Since it will be extremely hard for her to eat enough, it helps to pack the calories in as densely as possible to keep serving size under control.  I was surprised to learn you can add canola / rapeseed oil to everything from yogurt and smoothies to rice and soup.  It you stir it in briskly, you can add quite a bit without changing the flavor or texture.

Please try not to blame yourself for not figuring this out sooner, or for whatever else might occur to you.  It isn't your fault.  And anyway, guilt just wears you down and weakens you ... your d needs you to be as strong as possible to fight this for her until she is able to fight herself.

Please feel free to ask all the questions you like. xx

-Torie


__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 409
Reply with quote  #16 
Hi newbie3,
welcome from Germany! You have found the best internet forum for that and here are so many nice people just waiting to help you.
Ask as may questions as you have. This is a great treasure of ideas and helpful guiding.

You now have to put your big girl pants on and the supermum suit. I know that you are anxious and overwelmed because so we all felt. But you can help her and you can get her back and the way is quite easy, you "just" have to refeed her. I know that this is easier said than done, but you will get it. The first weeks are difficult because her anxiety about food might increase and you will need a lot of try and error to see what food you need to make her gaining weight.
Can you get some help from friends or other family members? Especially at meal times that would be helpful. And get her to GP asap to check her weight, her heart and her blood. If she doesn´t eat or drink for 24 hours that is a case for ER.
Try to do magic plate and cook while she sleeps or is in school. Add butter cream and canola oil to everything possible.

And most important: Do not give up hope! Never! It is hard and it takes time but you will get your nice charming daughter back that way!
Please tell us how we can help you.
Tina72

newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you so much for your all posts. I can’t tell you how nice it was to log in today and see all you wonderful people who had taken the time to reach out. I’d love to reply to all your individual posts, because each and every one was appreciated. I couldn’t work out how to do that, so figured I would just post again.

Just thought I should clarify, when I said she wanted to be a weight she was a few years ago, it was the weight my d wanted to be, not a suggestion from the counsellor. The counselllor made a point of saying how that wouldn’t be healthy. Totally agree!

What I’m feeling today is some guilt I have to say. Did I cause this by not insisting on eating together? Have I not tried hard enough to keep her close? How could I not see that this was going on, when clearly a friend of hers was worried, and I effectively dismissed it as part of the anxiety. And hoped the St Johns Wort she was taking was helping. I should add I’m so very grateful that the counsellor was on to it enough to know she needs help. And was able to get through to my d that this is needed, despite her reluctance. I really think she is thinking the assessment that gets done will end up with her not needing any further help. Denial shall we say.

The biggest thing that stood out for me from your posts and the info I read so far was that I’m not really in limbo. I can start helping her now. I don’t have to wait for the assessment. I can start trying to help her eat. Started today at lunch, by making it and having her sit with me with TV on and her phone in hand, for distraction and chatted about the TV program. It was so hard to eat, I have to say. My appetite has definitely disappeared and it’s really hard to eat feeling sick. But it went ok. She ate. And couldn’t hide anything. And didn’t actually go to the bathroom after. Nor did she drink water during it, which is a very rare occurrence.

She wasnt overly keen to sit and eat with me but did it without argument. I can see it probably won’t go like that all the time, once she realises this is how it’s going to be now. I just hope forcing the issue doesn’t end up making things worse. I thought the trying to keep her away from food (like the cooking or grocery shopping) was a good idea. If there is a fear factor, surely taking those things away must help.

It was really good to see that video about bungee jumping, and relating to how scared they feel. It must be so awful!! But it was really helpful to know there are things you can say that will try and help some of the fear. I’m picking she may not even know herself that she has that fear. It’s just how she feels around food.

She has been pretty happy and chatty today. It’s so hard to get your head around what’s going on, that she’s not really ok and there’s all this other stuff going on underneath. After her eating lunch and chatting it was really difficult to try and remember that there’s this elephant in the room so to speak. My stomach dropped again when I thought, one ok lunch does not mean that will continue and she’s ok. [frown] Can I wake up from this nightmare now please? I want to feel strong enough to do this, and I really don’t.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #18 
Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie3
I want to feel strong enough to do this, and I really don’t.


I know that feeling.  We mere mortals are suddenly called upon to do superhero parenting - yikes.  You will be amazed to see how strong you can seem even when you're quaking inside.  Please try to sound confident when you're talking to your d, regardless of how you really feel.  And always remember that we're with you in spirit.  xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #19 
Thanks Torie x
kazi67

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 42
Reply with quote  #20 
Hi newbie3
Sorry you have to be here!
Great advise already given here for you and read up on all the info it really helps
I'm fairly new here too but thought I'd try add a bit to try and help you and give you some hope
It's so very overwhelming to start with and I think I functioned on about 2-3 hours sleep a night when we first started this nightmare as I was reading everything I possibly could to try and get some info
You definately dont need to wait for the treatment plan to start feeding your d
3 healthy meals 3 healthy snacks every day
It sounds good that you got your d to eat!!
That's fantastic! I had to assist my d to drink a glass of water I also had to physically lift the fork to her mouth when she first became sick and now she is eating herself so hopefully if you continue supervising her eating she will continue to improve
I also supervised an hour after to make sure d was keeping food down
I took a term off work to be with her 24/7
It's hard work but definately worth it
The food is the most important thing!!!
Food and love! Lots of food and lots of love!!!
Now my d can think logically the therapy is also helping
Good luck and don't give up!
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #21 
Great job on your first meal for re-feeding. Good luck with the second. How well kids go with re-feeding is very variable - from complete shut down, violence, running away to feeling relieved that someone is taking charge and making them do what they are too scared to. Keep it going. 
__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #22 
Thanks kazi67, it’s been so helpful in the last day just reading some of the advice given by the amazing parents here. I can’t tell you how glad I am that i found this place.

The key thing I’ve taken away so far is that food is the number one priority. It make sense to me now that I can’t heal her anxiety first, because her brain is not capable of being healed until it’s being properly nourished. I had no idea of how affected it must be and how that will impact on her thoughts and feeling and decisions. It’s huge isn’t it.

It goes hand in hand wth how she doesn’t think she has a problem. Denial. I asked her if she wanted to talk about what had come up at the counselling session and she said no. I’m abiding by my agreement to stick to that and so I haven’t talked to her about the ED at all. I’ve just begun making some small changes from suggestions in the forum. Like not involving her in the decisions about tea or cooking it. And we sit together at each meal. She said is very quiet and not happy about it, but hasn’t said anything yet.

Just had the slowest eating race in the world at teatime! I knew I had to finish after her, and I did. She drank lots of water and I hadn’t dished her a large meal, but she did finish it and (dare I say it) she hasn’t been to the toilet yet. We are 45 mins since finishing. Can’t help but feel a little happy about that. Don’t know if I said before but I don’t actually know if she purges, I’ve only discovered the hidden food. I’m super worried that she does purge but I feel I cant confront her yet. I don’t want to rock the boat too much all at once, esp with her exams next week.

I haven’t delved into the snacks or even breakfast. Didn’t want to push my luck. She’s never been into breakfast really, me neither to be honest. Even giving her lunch for school, I don’t know if she eats it. At least I feel like making sure she’s having all her tea is a good start. And kind of an interim thing until we can see some professionals about making a plan going forward. I feel like if it comes from someone else, she will listen and take it on board. I live in hope!
newbie3

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #23 
Thanks Foodsupport_AUS. I’m so hoping that d is in the last category and she’s feeling even a little bit relieved or slightly less scared with some of the food stuff taken out of her hands.
kazi67

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 42
Reply with quote  #24 
You will find heaps of ideas and info here
I'm so glad I found this too I really believe it saved my d from having a hospital stay
It's not easy that's for sure, my d would often cry for hours after eating it was heartbreaking
Try to stay calm and I would also just say it's healthy food to make you stronger and get well we just want you well
My d was concerned about calories but I would just say it's a healthy plate and we are not counting calories
If refusal happened I would take away phone or computer or car use (my d is 18) this worked for us but you may have to try other things to use for leverage
"If you eat your meal you can have your phone etc"
Hang in there it's a roller coaster ride but you will get lots of help/ideas from here
Keep reading we all know how you feel xx
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,593
Reply with quote  #25 
Quote:
Originally Posted by newbie3
She drank lots of water and I hadn’t dished her a large meal, but she did finish it and (dare I say it) she hasn’t been to the toilet yet.


Yay for finishing the meal!

I know it takes a while to get there, but it would be much better if your d had full fat milk or juice instead of water with each meal / snack.  Also, it should not be her choice if she goes to toilet after the meal.  Many here have directed ED-kid to use toilet before the meal so that they can stay with us for at least an hour afterwards.  Of course, they cry, "You don't trust me!!"  The best response I found was "It's not that I don't trust you; it's just what I do."  I was surprised that worked, but like so many things I learned here on the forum, it was a good idea.

A few people have made suggestions including the word "healthy."  I found that the ED brain interpreted "healthy" as "fat."  A really great word is "normal."  They might not want to be healthy, and they most definitely don't want to be fat, but they all want to be normal.  

Keep swimming.  xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

F.E.A.S.T. Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders
is a 501(c)3 charitable organization committed to maintaining the Around the Dinner Table forum as a FREE service for any caregiver of a loved-one with an eating disorder.

P.O. Box 1281 | Warrenton, VA 20188 USA

US +1 855-50-FEAST | Canada +1 647-247-1339 | Australia +61 731886675 | UK +443308280031 

This forum is sponsored by F.E.A.S.T., an organization of parents serving parents and caregivers of patients of all ages with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. Information and advice given on this forum does not necessarily represent the policy or opinion of F.E.A.S.T. or its volunteers and is meant to support, not replace, professional consultation.

F.E.A.S.T. is registered as a nonprofit organization under section 501(c)(3) of the United States Internal Revenue Code.

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Community Rules | Forum Rules | F.E.A.S.T. Principles | YMadmin | WTadmin
Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content: