Registered: 1498065245 Posts: 26
Reply with quote #1
My d was diagnosed in Feb with anorexia. She was admitted to hospital then and after a month we decided to take her home and continue re feeding and attending weekly outpatient appointments. She started to slide backwards slowly (as I was listening to advice from other sources and not recognizing that the eating disorder was gaining more control). This is all prior to finding this wonderful place.
She was close to hospitalization a couple of weeks ago but after finding Eva Musby's book, site and the advice here, things started to turn around and I felt we were on the right track. Finally! This past weekend d decided to stop eating. She had been working hard the last two weeks and showing love, compassion, support at the dinner table was working. Telling her to trust me etc was working. Now its not. She is flat out refusing to eat that 'disgusting' food that I make her. Tonight I broke down. I am so worn out. I feel that she did what it took to stay out of hospital but is now listening to the eating disorder only. She would rather drink boost than eat. She obsessed all day today about the size of her thighs and the pants she was wearing. She didn't want to go out in public. I know I need to be strong and selfless and all of those things but I feel like I am losing it. I am starting to hate myself. I'm feeling fat. I don't want to eat. The last thing I want to talk about or look at or put in my mouth is food. I feel so inadequate. Anyway, I immediately thought, 'I should have just put in her the hospital two weeks ago'. The Dr had suggested it then because it would not interfer with her school year. There are only 7 kids on the floor and she would get lots of attention. I don't know what to do at this point. I am sorry if I sound heartless and uncompassionate. My heart is breaking seeing my daughter under such torture. I want what is best for her but I don't know if I can adequately give it to her. Both my parents and my husband agree that if I can't help her maybe she needs to be in the hands of the professionals.
Registered: 1431767540 Posts: 1,956
Reply with quote #2
You are not heartless.nor do you lack compassion for your d.im going to do an all-caps for this
:THERE IS NO SHAME IN PUTTING YOUR CHILD IN HOSPITAL -EVER.
Some people here have been lucky enough that their child has not had to go.we were not those people.our d had to go,because once she got to the part in her illness where she wasn't prepared to eat,not being prepared to drink followed shortly after.from there it was a short step to purging.
Every persons experience of this is different and the only thing that matters at the point you are at is that nutrition gets in.if it isn't working at home,then it happens at hospital,but either way anorexia has to learn that food is going in.
Lots of people here have had their child have at least one admission-we had loads.imagine putting your child in 20+ times-that's what we had to do and I don't regret it.our d was a super resistor and this was the only way we could keep her safe.
In this war we use what weapons we have available.if you are worn down and feeling broken and hospital is an option,take it.and if you do-rest.dont spend all your time reading ed books-rest your brain from it for a few days.
You haven't failed by putting her in hospital if that's the road you go down- you have done the right thing for her and for you at this time.
We don't try and cure cancer on our own and we should never ever feel guilty for needing help with a biologically based mental illness either.instead we use all the tools available to us to help our child.i am very passionate in this belief-I'm sure you can tell - but I do truly believe it.
With super resistors you do what works,not what you think anyone else would.their journey is not your journey.
Whatever your decision we are here to support you. __________________ Sotired42
Registered: 1496061527 Posts: 932
Reply with quote #3
so sad that its so difficult at the moment. It may be a reaction of ED on your support of the last weeks. Maybe ED is trying to take over control again. We had such a last hard fight before ED hided in some way like it is actually doing. Maybe this is your last hard fight. If you don´t get her to eat, you have to chose plan b (and if its IP, thats ok). If she refuses to drink too (which my d did before we took her to hospital in January) I think there is no other way. Maybe ED needs this hard reaction, as sotired says, to understand that there is no way to get out from refeeding. Whatever you decide, it will be ok. And if not, you can chose plan c. Let us know wether we can help you. We think at you. Tina72
Registered: 1450168170 Posts: 970
Reply with quote #4
Originally Posted by
sunshine1974 Both my parents and my husband agree that if I can't help her maybe she needs to be in the hands of the professionals. I don't see this as a binary situation. If she is at home then there is a role to be played by professionals. Your doctor should be empowering you in her eyes and should also be checking for medical stability. You mentioned that you have little other professional support. Is it possible to keep ringing, explaining how difficult it is and trying to get that help? Also, if she does go to hospital to get started you still have a huge role to play. She will not come out of hospital cured and you will have to provide support and help for a long period of time. Eating disorders exist on a spectrum and place huge demands on family. There are a whole load of circumstances that determine the most successful path to recovery for any particular patient. I always found having my main plan but with plan b, c and d in the background calmed me and meant that some progress was always possible. Remember to include your own self care in the plans! Warm wishes, D __________________ 2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid. May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles.
Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle. If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination ) We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 4,860
Reply with quote #5
Hi Sunshine - I'm a little confused about both the history and the available options. Your d was in hospital for a month, right? As in, a medical hospital as opposed to a residential treatment center? Was that because of medical instability? And the doc is suggesting a return to this same facility?
On the one hand, it's important to keep in mind that recovery is not linear and that bad days tend to follow good and vice versa. So tomorrow may be much better than today was. This vile illness makes a sport of keeping us guessing. On the other hand, you are exhausted, and your d's illness is taking a toll on the whole family. It seems likely to me that she needs a higher level of care. I don't know what part of the world you are in, but I wonder if something like partial hospitalization (PHP) might be a possibility. Not sure if that is just a US thing or if available elsewhere. The kindest thing, I think, is to take whatever path gets your daughter back to herself the fastest. Very often, that involves a stint away from home. Please remember that we're with you in spirit. xx -Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡
Registered: 1454901521 Posts: 274
Reply with quote #6
Just a quick note of encouragement. When ED sees the food goes in, the anxiety will go up. Just reset and start again. I also feel fat (new clothes I bought sit already tight and today my wedding ring won't go on) and am tired of preparing food. Just keep on presenting the food at the times she needs to take them. Give her incentives when she had some food. You are not inadequate, this illness will suck our confidence and joy out of everything. Just keep strong and take care of yourself. Sending plenty of hugs!!!! __________________ D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
Registered: 1496061527 Posts: 932
Reply with quote #7
I think you are in good company, most of us gained weight during refeeding, I gained more than my d. But since we eat more normally for the last 3 weeks I think this will get well again. You don´t need to feel fat. Your husband may like it that your clothes are sitting more tight . Try to change your wedding ring to the other hand, for example my ring was on the right hand which is bigger and I changed it to the left so its o.k. now. There is a life after ED. We need to trust in that. Tina72
Registered: 1454901521 Posts: 274
Reply with quote #8
Thanks for your kind words, I think gaining weight is part of the process for a lot of us. If that's the price I have pay for her to gain as well, so be it. I'm so glad I can vent my feelings here and that you all understand 😁 __________________ D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
Registered: 1494357582 Posts: 203
Reply with quote #9
Hi Sunshine, I haven't posted in a while because our family went through such a dark and terrible period, I was starting to feel hopeless and depressed. That said, I still checked this forum daily to find strength and see how others were doing. My 11-year-old d was diagnosed with Anorexia in mid march. She had lost 22 llbs. and had a heart rate of 46. We had an FBT therapist and got her to gain 9 back in 4 weeks and then she little by little started refusing food, and what became a nightmare turned into a living hell as she stalled on gaining, and started losing. Although she was medically stable, the more we stood up to the
ED, the worse her behavior became. Previous to ED, we never had any behavioral issues, now we were in a living hell with d secretly exercising, and d threatening not to eat, and following through, on everything from not wanting to go to bed on time to wanting to be left alone and not asked to eat. She was getting more irrational, violent and more and more isolated. So there was a major change in her from the first four weeks, and she wasn't attending school at this point. After an ER visit, and several hunger strikes, and her mental state continuing to deteriorate (and a series of serious power struggle like events that occurred in our household,) we had to do something different. My biggest fear was watching her slowly slip away, as she wasn't sick enough (yet) to meet medical instability criteria for a medical hospitalization, and we had to seek a higher level of care. As for me, I was in a terrible state- not sleeping, anxiety, depression. I lost 20 lbs. and had no appetite, but had to make myself eat infront of her. I felt so guilty. I questioned every parenting decision we ever made since she was born. It was the worst period of my life ever. I wasn't myself. No confidence in anything, and prior to this, I had a great job and was very involved in the community. We admitted her to a behavioral hospital in the Midwest as inpatient, and they found a way to deal with her oppositional behavior (they truly did a wonderful job.) She was there 5 weeks and gained 11lbs, so up 17 in total. We were hoping for her to return home and do a PHP program, but she wasn't ready. Her ED thoughts are still too strong. She said she wouldn't feel safe at home with her ED behaviors and had to watch me in the kitchen, as she didn't trust me to prepare food. So she's at ERC in Denver now, which is halfway across the country for us. I never thought this would be something we would do, but it's saving her life. As for me, I'm becoming myself again. This disease will rob you of everything and your friends will be supportive, but no one really understand unless they have lived through it. This site and all these wonderful people who post have been a life line for me. Thank you all for the support you've give me. There is no shame in needing a higher level of care. I'll use a quote from our therapist- EDs are like snowflakes.. no 2 are exactly alike, so our pathways to recovery may be different.
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 4,860
Reply with quote #10
Hi eternalhope - Thanks for the update, although it makes my heart ache to hear about all the difficulty. You have done a fab job persevering and getting your d to the safety of ERC. I join you in looking forward to her return home.
Keep swimming. xx -Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡