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Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #76 
Sounds you have a good plan in place to expose your d to new foods. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Best wishes and remember you are not alonein this battle.
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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. Challenging fear foods and behaviours now.
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #77 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tina72
Hi leahkana,
I´m happy to hear something from you and it sounds as if you are creeping out of the tunnel a bit.
Try to get your husband into the boat, that will be a great help and maybe he will like to be "important" and not so helpless. For men it is often more difficult to stand that feeling not to be able to help the family and save your d. You are able to do that and he can help and you will feel much better when you realise what possibilities you have to help her.
Its quite normal that there are good days and bad days. And that ED sometimes hides a bit and then when you don´t expect it bummm it is suddenly there again (and you think even harder than before). ED tries now and than how powerful you are. If you show ED the door, the good days will be more than the bad days. At the beginning we thought we had only bad days. We started to mark the good days green in our calender, the bad days red and the days between good and bad yellow. So you can see the things developing and have a kind of proof that you are doing the right thing. I´m proud to say that in our home there are only green days now for the third week (knocking on wood). If you experience that getting better you better stand the one or two bad days a week.
Try to be with her and comfort her when the illness appears. Don´t listen to the crazy words she says. Surely she is not fat. Surely the doesn´t hate you. She might say a lot of strange and harmful things. She doesn´t mean it. She often even recognizes it. Its ED talking and not your d. Remember that if she seem to make you cry. Its ED making you cry. Your d is a wonderful person hidden behind that illness. But she is there and she is coming back some day.
If you sleep better without her, try that. If your sleep is better in her room, keep on doing what is best for YOU. You need the sleep.
Try to find an incentive for trying new food. Something outside the house, with friends or family. Take her to the cinema for example. Its like training a dog (sorry for that comparision): Hard words and shouting does not work. Calm words, incentives, love works.
Its a long hard way but its the only way. And if you keep on going you will see better days soon.
I felt so lonely and helpless as you did some months ago. I thought I would lose my only child and my whole family. Seeing that I was not helpless and that I can do something with refeeding made me a lot stronger. It is a damn circle you just can´t get out until you leave it.
You are strong. You are powerful. You have fed your d for many years and you gave her the right things when she was a little baby girl. Deep inside you know what to do. You just need to believe you are able to!
I´m sending you a big hug!
Tina72




THANKS Tina, we are back home, the trip to visit her older sister was with ups and downs , now we have to continue the routine until things get better. As I told before she is having a lot of nightmares becuase of the PTSD, and we hope that therapy will help her. Also she is doing Eating Disorders Anonymous on internet daily. Wealso are having weekly meeting as family to discust the changes that need to be made. God bless you.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #78 
Keep on posting. We are interested in how you are doing. You are not alone!
Tina
tina72

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Reply with quote  #79 
"Also she is doing Eating Disorders Anonymous on internet daily."
I may be a bit too negative or even panicing, but did you see what people are writing there and what they are writing? Can you do this with your d some time to know wether its good for her?
Just thought about that f*** proana websites here in Europe where AN meets and gets new tips from other ED patients...negative ones for sure. They have competitions on the worst BMI there or the most days eating nothing. Contact with other ED patients can be very triggering and keep her holding on to it. Just a suggestion, I don´t know this site and maybe I´m just too negative about it.
Tina72
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #80 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tina72
"Also she is doing Eating Disorders Anonymous on internet daily."
I may be a bit too negative or even panicing, but did you see what people are writing there and what they are writing? Can you do this with your d some time to know wether its good f or her?
Just thought about that f*** proana websites here in Europe where AN meets and gets new tips from other ED patients...negative ones for sure. They have competitions on the worst BMI there or the most days eating nothing. Contact with other ED patients can be very triggering and keep her holding on to it. Just a suggestion, I don´t know this site and maybe I´m just too negative about it.
Tina72


I didnt yhink about it that way but I will check the site out becuase I have the book and looks pretty good,mbut you never know. im very tired of all this situation, everything can make my D worse, is crazy to be always scare of what anybody say or do, what life without meaning we are living.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #81 
Hi leahkana,
maybe I was just tooo aware, check it out and then you´ll see. I didn´t want to get you more worries but that is something really important. If there are people in a healthy state it even could push your d. But if not, try to stop that. Its only in this state that its so difficult and everything could be triggering. My d didn´t visit those websites for more than 6 months now and is not interested in this Ed things any more (but still a bit caught by it). It gets less with every single bit of normal life that you get back. Try to bring her in contact with normal people of her age.
3 months ago we couldn´t even talk openly at meal times, needed to be careful to mention nothing which could be understand wrong or lead to ED thoughts. That was very exhausting. But now it is quite normal. It will change and your life will not stay at this state, believe me.
Tina72

leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #82 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tina72
Hi leahkana,
maybe I was just tooo aware, check it out and then you´ll see. I didn´t want to get you more worries but that is something really important. If there are people in a healthy state it even could push your d. But if not, try to stop that. Its only in this state that its so difficult and everything could be triggering. My d didn´t visit those websites for more than 6 months now and is not interested in this Ed things any more (but still a bit caught by it). It gets less with every single bit of normal life that you get back. Try to bring her in contact with normal people of her age.
3 months ago we couldn´t even talk openly at meal times, needed to be careful to mention nothing which could be understand wrong or lead to ED thoughts. That was very exhausting. But now it is quite normal. It will change and your life will not stay at this state, believe me.
Tina72



Thanks Tina, I will have a conversation with her about it tomorrow, she had missed last week and she started again yesterday, but you are right, maybe that is teaching her other behaviors , I dont know! But is important . She is having a very dificult day today, she had ECT and really made her very exausted and sick - a lot of nausea - also Im noticing that she is waking up from the shock of the dead of the exboyfriend who abuse her , and she is crying and sad. All this is causing me today big stress and anxiety, but trying to keep it under control and getting distracted with some movies and a lot of chores in the house.
I wish I can give her the oportunity of been with friends her age but here where we live is were she had so many horrible experiences that caused her the PTSD and she dont want to contact nobody from her past. she stay with me all day, I tried to give her a distraccion everyday taking her outside but I can understand that she feels alone and sad without her old life in Tennese and also miss her sister a lot. Everyday is a dificult one, sad and dificult, I pray everyday that I make it and been able to help her the best I can.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #83 
Hi leahkana,
maybe you can find new friends for her when she is a bit better and able to leave the house for a while. What have her hobbies been before ED caught her? What does she like? Maybe there is a way to do something by internet? Is she in regular contact with her sister? Maybe she can help a bit by phoning her up daily or writing in chats?
Tina72
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #84 
This is going to sound crazy but I feel that Im sufocaiting my D , she told me today that she dont have a reason to go on living because I have all control over her life and she lost all. She said she dont care how much she will affect my son and that im the worse person . and yes, I think We are sofucating each other, we are feeding our emotions and things go out of control by any simple word, what ever I say she take it personal and viceversa,. i also had the opportunity to talk to her about the meetings of ED anonimous and she told me that is true that somedays things are dificult to do and read, then we decide that she will do it only 2 times a week only for especific topic,nothing more.
I dnt want to sleep with her anymore to be honest, I feel exausted of going after her and she hate to have me near her. todaycai wrote a message to the nutricionist asking her why she had not contact the spyquatric yet and that can put Anja in risk becuase she dont want to share her weight and BMI to us ( we have legal autorization) and also to the ther doctors, I thing she got kad because she didnt answer, now im worry that she will cancel the service to anja becuase of that, and that will be really bad becuase Anja will go crazy if that happens. Very tierd today, sad day.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #85 
Quote:
Originally Posted by leahkana64
This is going to sound crazy but I feel that Im sufocaiting my D , she told me today that she dont have a reason to go on living because I have all control over her life and she lost all. She said she dont care how much she will affect my son and that im the worse person .


LK, this is not your real d talking - it is just ED.  (Hateful, lying s.o.b. that he is.)   Your d is very likely mortified by the things she hears spewing from her mouth.  I know this is in the difficult-to-impossible range, but please try to ignore comments of that nature. Just a quick acknowledgment of her feelings (e.g., "I'm sorry this is so hard,"  or "It sounds like that really bothers you" and then change the subject. 

Your real d is in there, and she loves you.  It is ED who is trying to drive you away, because you are a huge threat to this vile illness.

Hang in there.  You will get your d back.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
tina72

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Reply with quote  #86 
Hi leahkana,
Torie is right, that is ED talking. You wont believe what my d told us in the last months: we are too controlling, our education and upbringing was totally wrong, we were prisoning her in her room, she hates us...I could make a neverending list.
But now she is back again and she even doesn´t remember most of the things she said to us. She didn´t mean it and it was ED talking and not our d.
Try to stay in contact with her. Try to ignore what ED is saying. In your heart you know that she loves you.
ED is trying to split you because it feels that you are the problem, you fight ED. You are the enemy for ED.
You are doing everything right. You didn´t make a mistake. You are the right person and not the worse. But you are worse for ED...[smile]
Tina72
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #87 
Good morning to all, thanks for your words. All them are true. I woke up today with the feeling that the best for all is that I leave the house with my son and let her do her life, I think she needs to really touch the end of this, go really down and find desire to live, but all of this is only dreams in my mind becuase I know my husband will not let me leave and I have novody to take me in another house, but that is my only desire, leave with my son and let her to fight for herself. 
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #88 
Good morning Leahkana,

We all have days like this. I remember one time my husband went quickly to the shops and I was left with the 2 kids. Not long after all hell broke loose. They were physically attacking each other, kicking and shouting. I thought, I can't deal with this. I'm going to leave. I got until the end of the driveway when I realised I was the only adult in the home and leaving was not an option. So I turned around, seperated the two, sent them to their rooms and made myself a strong cuppa.

Do yourself a favour, open the youtube app and watch Queen "I want to break free". It's really funny. And while you're there watch funny cat videos.

Are you religious? I found great comfort listening to Joel Osteen's podcast. They inspire without being preachy.

Do one thing every day just for yourself. I treated myself to a latte every day. Most of the time I made it myself, but once a week my h and I went to a coffee shop and spend some time together sipping our drinks. We walked out refreshed and ready to fight the next battle.

Go and soak in the bath, walk in the park, phone a friend or family member, go and have some fun with your son. Make sure you have an hour each day without ED. No talking about ED, no reading books on ED, no spending time on the internet reading about ED. Just one hour without ED. You'll feel like a new person.

Sending you lots of hugs

__________________
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. Challenging fear foods and behaviours now.
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #89 
I really  need your input now, my D is asking me if we will be better if she is dead? she think that we will be sad for awhile but then we learn to cope with her dead and go on with life. Is "normal" for an ED person to ask this questions? please help.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #90 
Hi leahkana,
thats normal, even if its very hard to stand. We heard this question, too. Tell her that you love her and that she is the most important person in your life and that you won´t get over it and miss her every single day of your life. She wants to hear that. She wants to be sure you love her even with ED. She feels and sees that you are suffering because of her ED and that makes her sad and thinking she is a load for you. When ED people say something like that, they mostly need to hear the opposite. "We love you, even if you are not perfect, even if you are suffering from that horrible desease. You are our kid and we love you unconditionally. We will survive that illness and we will have better times together, soon." Try to fake confidence, until you have some again.
Tina72
Kali

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Reply with quote  #91 
Leahkana64,

I'm so sorry that your daughter is suffering like this.

IMHO, when someone is having suicidal thoughts they need professional help and someone to remain with them the whole time until help can be accessed. I'm sure you have already reassured her that you love her and would be devastated should something happen to her, but if you feel your daughter is a danger to herself, in the US she can be admitted to an emergency room under what they call a 72-hour hold, and evaluated during that time for further treatment. Can you phone her therapist and let her/him know what is going on and see what they recommend? Perhaps the therapist can see her immediately. I know how scary this is since my d. was also suicidal when she was very ill. Any mention of suicide or a plan needs to be taken very seriously. 

Here is the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Leahkana, it sounds from your posts, as though it is very difficult to manage this situation at home. Is there an option for your daughter to return to residential treatment?

Kali


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leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #92 
My D and my Husband want to try first to do all this at home, I don't know how to change their minds, Im been trying all this time but she said she can do it and she want to be home and he said we can do it and both are adamant on this, is very sad and scary that they think we can take this risk, Im looking for another doctor who can give us a better help at this moment. This is a nightmare that never ends and I don't know what to do because everybody is pulling in different direction and not listening to me at all.I feel like if I start crying I will never stop again. we have a back up plan that if she doesn't get better but worse then she will be back to the hospital but what is worse in this case? how to do it on time? why they don't see what I see, that she is really sick or is me and my craziness???I don't know.
K63

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Reply with quote  #93 
Hi Leahkan , this is such a difficult time and if your d has suicidal thoughts she needs professional help right now. We are parents and can love and support our children / adults but like if your daughter had cancer or any physical illness she would need professionals in that specialised area to look after her. We as parents need support of psychiatrists and psychologists and dietician s when our children have psychiatric illness. It's too much for you and your husband. If you cannot contact someone directly go to your GP and ask him for direction.
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Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #94 
You said your h and d wanted to try and refeed at home first. Stand back and see if it's working. Is she following, or trying to follow her mealplan? Is she slowly, but steadily gaining weight? If not, 'doing at home' isn't working. We were given about a month after IP to see if we can refeed our at home. She slowly started to eat more, every day a little bit closer to her mealplan.

My also said " Please let me die, I just want to die" plenty of times. As the others said, she wants your help. Reassures her that you love her and won't let her die. I think Kali has a good idea to take her to emergency for her suicidal thoughts.

Sending you best wishes

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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. Challenging fear foods and behaviours now.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #95 
"why they don't see what I see, that she is really sick or is me and my craziness?"

You are not crazy. Its part of the illness that the patient and even other people around don´t see and don´t want to know how sick they are. That is one dangerous bit of that damn illness, that its telling the patient and the world that "everything is ok, I´m just a little skinny, I don´t need help, I can do everything on my own". So 99 % of the people turn around and let the patient starve and the ED has won.
But you are the 1%. You are not crazy. You understand how dangerous this illness is.

It´s difficult to know wether her suicidal thoughts are "just thoughts" or wether she is able to do something like that. If you think that are not only words take her to an ER better once too often then too less. ED must learn that you will save her life anyway, so that is no option.

Send you a hug!
Tina72
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #96 
Thanks tina72 , tomorrow. We will do a complete blood test and then the nutricionist and the therapist. Her moods are changing a LOT and she is fighting us like crazy. A lot of treaths and manipulation. On monday when she are suposed to have ECT maybe I will be able to talk to the doctor and make some decisions about what to do next. she is adamant that she will kill herself if she is back to an ED hospital. i dont know if is normal and OK to add every week a small amaount of new food, she finally acepted to drink ensure light everyday and Im giving her omega 3 and meds for ostiopenia, also meds for her stomach problems and the medis for her bipolar. my husband is already exausted and my son is scare all day long, days are horrible and now night are becoming dificult because she is waking up at 3-4 am and dont let me sleep . I dont know how other people had been able to do this, I see my family brken in 100 pieces. She call her sister and talk horrible stuff about me and then my oldee daughter dont talk to me. Can tou recomend me an articule about how they fight and behave when they are this sick, I want my husband to learn more, he is so desperate, Im worry about his health.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #97 

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2006/11/26/magazine/26anorexia.html

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) in 2015 ,had 4 months immediate inpatient,then FBT at home since. He is now in strong recovery, (Phase 3 ) and Living life to the full, like a "normal"[biggrin] teen. This is with thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time. Getting him to a much higher weight, and with a much higher calorie plan than his clinicians gave him as a target, was instrumental to getting him to the strong recovery that he is in now. Food is the medicine.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #98 
Quote:
My D and my Husband want to try first to do all this at home, I don't know how to change their minds,


I wouldn't even try.  Have you talked to her team yet?  I know I keep asking the same question but you never answer it.  She has a team for a reason.  I would call and talk to her psychiatrist and therapist.  It sounds like you have the releases (although you don't need releases for you to talk to them). Level with them and tell them what is going on.  Tell them what she is saying and tell them that you are to the point of leaving the house because everyone is so exhausted including you.  If she is threatening suicide, don't sit by and let that be a threat.  Have her evaluated every single time she uses that threat (so you don't end up with her actually trying something and also so she stops threatening and holding it over your head).  It sounds like she needs more care than you can provide and since your husband is not the one there caring for her, he really doesn't get much say in this.  Your mental health is important too. 

My daughter also told me numerous time she would die if she had to go back to an ED hospital.  Well guess what?  She was going to die if she didn't so you got nothing to lose by getting her admitted.  Maybe she needs to be a general ward right now to handle the mood swings and suicidal thoughts.  Either way she needs more care than you can give her right now and keeping her home doesn't sound like a great option.

At one point I went to my daughter's team and told them she either needed to be admitted or put into a more structured environment like a day treatment program or a group home.  I knew she was dying at home and I couldn't do anything more than I was doing.  I was also nearing my breaking point and I needed help too.  When I put it to her team how bad things were and how I couldn't take anything more, they admitted her to give me a respite.  I don't regret it at all.  The only things I ever have regretted have been the times when I needed more help and support and fooled myself into believing I could handle it at home.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #99 
Its normal that she is fighting you like crazy and that is a sign that ED is alert and has registered you are fighting it.
Its even quite normal that she says awful things about you, even to other people. But thats ED. She doesn´t mean it. ED recognized that you are fighting it so you are the enemy. Give your husband Eva Musbys book to read (https://www.amazon.com/Anorexia-other-Eating-Disorders-compassionate/dp/0993059805/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501231827&sr=8-1&keywords=eva+musby). All theses behaviours are listed there and explained. Thats the brain disease and not your d.
Its great if you are possible to add a small amount of new food every week. Try to get it a bigger amount, because you have the fight with AN on each amount and if its bigger it counts more. Try to get some smoothies introduced. If she drinks 1-2 smoothies a day, you have almost won. You can add all the good stuff in there.
You know she will not die in ED. She is saying that because she don´t want to go there because they will fight ED there. Maybe a time there will give you a little break to get some power again. And she will see that ED is fighted everywhere so there is no way besides weight recovery.
I quit for a few days for a short holiday now. I think at you and will be back soon.
Tina72
leahkana64

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Reply with quote  #100 
Pretty tired today, have been crazy days, a medication puts her really sick but after we remove it she start getting better of her moods. LASt few days both of us had been really nervous ,we dont know why, today I woke up really in a panic attack, OCD is kicking inside me, last night I felt and now I think I will die becuase of the fall.
I want to know for those who live in USA if any of you know Dr Edward Tyson and what is your opinion on him?
My D is weighing 85 pounds, and eating a little more, but my anxiety of seen the process of recovering so slow is like to much for me. She is not purging or doing any exercise. We take her outside always in a wheelchair , she is bored and desperate, but at the same time unable to do better to recover faster, today me and my husband will have a visit with her therapist, she want to talk with both of us, for sure I will be the guilty one of everything, have been like that always, but I'm happy that at least he will go with me. Also happy to see pretty soon our therapist for my son who is really anxious with all this situation. We will have a conversation with him today and try to find out all his worries. Is very sad to see him like that.
My D finally is also drinking 1/2 cup of ensure in the mornings, she have a lot of stuff to entertain herself but she feel very lost and I don't know what more to do, I tried to take her every day outside at least for a little while but here is pretty hot and that affect both of us.
My D is still processing the dead of the young man who abused her and caused her PTSD, confuse with the idea of forgiving him or expressing her feeling in therapy.
HOW many here are doing this recovery job at home?????
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