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stella_44

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Reply with quote  #1 
I know it may sound selfish, but I don't think I can go through all of this again. At the age 12, ny D had severr anorexia, and after years of doctors and hospitals, she recovered. She started to have a good life, with friends and social life. At the beggining of this year, she went to study abroad with her older sister, and everything seemed okay.

So, this morning, her now ex-boyfried (She met him at school) sent me a message saying she was relapsing. When I talked to her, she said he was just not being able to deal with the end of the relationship and that she was okay. But the things is, she does look too skinny and she 's always at parties (He said she has drunkorexia, or somethibg like that) I didn't even know that was somethibg.
My older D said she is okay and she is just having a good time, but they are really close and even on her worse days, her sister would still take her side. I tried to call the school, but the problem is that they don't speak much english. What I could understand is that she has been skipping a lot of classes and that last week she got in a fight, because apparently, they were supposed to read each other's assigment and give grades. And she was not only late with the work, but she gave some girl's a poor grade while drunk, and the girl didn't take too well. Her ex-boyfriend said she's going to parties and getting drunk everyday and that she refuses to eat. And that she's back on counting calories. She said that she told him about what she used to do (not with drinks of course) and he's just playing dirty.
I really wanna believe her, but anorexia lied to me so many times. And now that she's so far, me and her father just doesn't know what to do anymore.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #2 
Welcome to the forum. 

I am sorry but I am a bit confused about the family relationships. You mention a daughter and then mention your sister, so it is not clear if you are talking as a sibling or carer. 

Either way it does sound as though she is ill and struggling to cope with things. I would expect that her behaviour/illness is already on notice to the school she is at, given she is missing classes and has attended drunk. The schools corroboration of alcohol makes it more likely the boyfriend's story is true. 

Working as a family team, I guess the next step is to work out how to support her. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
stella_44

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Reply with quote  #3 
I'm sorry, I meant my older D, her sister.
I believe that if it was high shool they would notice, but in college they don't pay the same type of attention. I just got out of the phone with one of her teachers and she was pretty subtle, but with othwr words, she told me to chill because that's what kids do in college.
I called my older D again this morning and she was ready to say her sister was fine when her friend (It was a video call) told her not to lie. She then told me that sometimes when she gets drunk before everyone else she says she is drinking on an empty stomach. But she believes that's just a lame excuse her sister uses and that I should remember that she always tried to hide her anorexia. That is she was actually sick, she wouldn't say this out loud. And that her sister's ex (The one who told me) is a bad person and that if I keep doing what I'm doing now, she may actually relapse because of me.
She also said that if she was sick she wouldn't drink because of the calories. I tried to explain about that drunkorexia thing and she said I was brainwashed and that was just a name people created.
I'm trying to get in contact with my D (The one with the problem), but apparently ahe went out last night and now she went for a run. (Not really a bad sign, since she's been working now for around 3 years now.)
Honestly, me and my H don't know what to do. It was bad when she was a child and we had control over her. How are we supposed to do that now, when she's an adult living in a different country? And what are tbe boundaries we should respect?
Kali

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hi Stella_44,

Can you go visit your daughter and see what is going on? There is certainly cause for concern based on what you are saying.

Kali

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mjkz

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Reply with quote  #5 
Quote:
but with othwr words, she told me to chill because that's what kids do in college.


I don't know about you but when I went to college, students didn't show up drunk to class and get in fights because they gave a poor grade to someone in their drunkenness.

Quote:
And that her sister's ex (The one who told me) is a bad person and that if I keep doing what I'm doing now, she may actually relapse because of me.


That's isn't true and it sounds like your older daughter might be covering for her (a little guilt maybe at what younger sister is doing-who knows?).  Are you financially supporting her in any way?  Can you contact the school and let them know your concerns?
stella_44

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Reply with quote  #6 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kali
Hi Stella_44,

Can you go visit your daughter and see what is going on? There is certainly cause for concern based on what you are saying.

Kali


I spoke with my husband and if we don't agree that we are both overreacting by the end of the week, that's what I'm going to do.
stella_44

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Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkz


I don't know about you but when I went to college, students didn't show up drunk to class and get in fights because they gave a poor grade to someone in their drunkenness.



That's isn't true and it sounds like your older daughter might be covering for her (a little guilt maybe at what younger sister is doing-who knows?).  Are you financially supporting her in any way?  Can you contact the school and let them know your concerns?


I spoke with ny D and she explained what happened. They had to read each other's work in their own time, not in class. When she read the girl's paper she was drinking with in her room with her sister and some friends. One of those friends told the girl she was drinking, but not drunk. And they all agreed that the grade my D gave was fair. But the girl didn't accept that and was trying to make the student who needed to read my D's paper give her a poor grade out of revenge. So my D started to freak out and spoked with the teacher about being bullied. The teather ended up changing the grade system but did nothing about the bullying itself. So on the other night, my D was at the same party and the girl started a physical fight with her.

And yes, we pay for her credit card. I've been trying to get in contact with the school, but a lot of people there don't speak english and the ones who do, say she's an adult and there is nothing they can do.
mamabear

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Reply with quote  #8 
Stella,

If I were you I would get on that plane and go see your children.
You will know ED the second you smell it.... and it sounds to me like you have plenty to worry about. People who have had or have eating disorders have very high rates of alcohol and drug addiction as well.

If you are paying for her schooling, you have power.

I would not wait.
I'm so sorry

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