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rose08

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Reply with quote  #1 
So I've been holding it together for 8 months, and today, Christmas Eve, with family and friends about to arrive in a few hours and I feel like I am falling to pieces.  Talk about timing. I just cant stop thinking about what we have gone through, what it means for my D, how it has changed us, how are we going to keep doing this, to some degree, possibly for years to come... I am wallowing in a self pity and I cant seem to lift myself out of it and if I could I would cancel everything as facing my kitchen and food and people right now is filling me with dread.  But I cant, and I need advice, how do I do this?  Have any of you had this delayed reaction.  I just feel like crying.  
Sorry, such a downer post - but I didn't know who else would understand, I just need to get through today and tomorrow. 

Thank you

Rose xx
tina72

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Rose,
I totally understand you. It is so hard to see what we have lost and now be like an actor and celebrate christmas just as there was nothing.
So if you need to look back today, try to see what you have achieved. Try to look back 8 months ago. It is not all good today, but I am sure it is a lot better than then.
You don´t need to fear theses years to come. You know what to do and how to deal with glimpses and little relapses. You have learned so much in the last 8 months. You will never get back to square 1.
Try to see this Christmas as a gift. She is there and she is better. She is alive and you will get that. She had to stand so much, she deserves to have that normal life again. And Christmas is part of it. It is a bit of a promise you give each other. We are a family. We stand together. We celebrate together. We are there for each other no matter what comes. That is the entire thought of Christmas, isn´t it?
We all feel with you and we are there for you if you need to vent. Self pity is o.k. You didn´t deserve this. None of us did.
So do it as you did it the last months: eyes shut and go for it. You will get that.
And maybe you can have some nice time. Maybe you can even laugh about something. Maybe you can see the glimpse of some normal life again.
Try to look forward.
I send you an enormous hug from Germany!
Tina72
eternalhope

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Reply with quote  #3 
Rose, it’s Ok to feel how you do. It’s so overwhelming. Give yourself a break, a breather. Be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself because you think you should feel one way, and you don’t. I understand how facing family can be so challenging, as some may know the hell you’ve been through and others may not. You will get through today. Fake it until you make it. As you celebrate Christmas, try to think about all the blessings.. what you and your family have done to restore your D’s health. I know it’s so hard. But what you have done for your D is a miracale.
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hope you have managed through the celebration.  It's true that you have got to count blessings...small steps towards recovery...and just lower your expectations for a 'perfect holiday'.  

You will have other celebrations in the future that will be less stressful, and life won't always be this challenging.

Most of all, I hope you give yourself the gift of self-care this holiday season.  You deserve it for all the hard, hard parenting work you are doing.

Sending warm thoughts to you,
sk8r31

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
Torie

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Reply with quote  #5 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rose08
 I just need to get through today and tomorrow.


Rose, so sorry it's so hard.  Maybe it would help stand it if you take it one hour at a time?  There aren't all that many hours until the 26th and then you can breathe again and maybe catch up on sleep.

Thinking of you.  It does get better.  It really will.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #6 
So normal to feel this way. Here you are in crisis management, who has time to do other things like celebrate as well? I hope you have managed to struggle your way through. It will get better. 
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
rose08

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Reply with quote  #7 
It's a special kind of forum where even on Christmas Eve you can feel supported and understood. The last guests have left and my D did so well, and in pretty challenging circumstances too... I'm humbled once again by her courage at such a young age. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, I've had a dark few days which have culminated into this. I felt like i was slipping and this forum gently pulled me back to try another day. Yes, fake it till I make it! I do hope we never go back. I wish you and your family's a wonderful Christmas. Love Rose xxx
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #8 
Hooray for another victory over ED!

Glad that you made it through another day, & that your d actually did very well, despite how difficult it must have been for her.

Hope you can put your feet up for a minute or two, and bask in the accomplishment of making it through another challenging event.

You rock!

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi Rose,
That is wonderful news!! She did it!! I am glad that the day turned out well for you all.
Way to go!

eternalhope

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Reply with quote  #10 
This is great news Rose. You all made it and she did so well! Get some well deserved rest and as others have mentioned- self care this season!
littleblackdog

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hi Rose. Glad you had a good day. Having other people around might seem overwhelming but it often lifts my spirits even when I thought it wouldn’t and I’m sure your daughter probably feels the same. Sometimes being forced to act normally actually makes you feel more normal. I am not an advocate for relying on alcohol all the time but I do think the occasional gin and tonic at the right time takes the edge off! Have a lovely Christmas.
krausekl

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Reply with quote  #12 
Rose, I can totally relate!  My S is working through treatment and this holiday is very stressful for him.  I was so exhausted prior to the holiday that I did all of my shopping Christmas eve day.  As you continue to celebrate tomorrow, look for the small joys and kindnesses that family have to offer both your D and you.  Even though it is hard, they are also the only ones we can turn to sometimes - for real understanding.  I will be thinking of you tomorrow as you work to plan meals both for your D and family.  I guess we also need to remember that this is good exposure for them, and that it brings them a little bit closer to recovery, doesn't it?  Blessings to you and your family this Christmas!
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #13 
You did great job Rose! Not only to refeed your D, but also to open your home for family and friends over the holiday season. I'm glad it went so well, everytime you do something normal regarding food, you give ED a big punch. Merry Christmas to you and your family [biggrin]
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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #14 
Hi Rose,
I am so glad that all went well and that your d managed all the challenges and you did, too.
You are such a wonderful mum and I hope you get some break and breathing time now, you totally deserve that.
Rose:1
ED:0
Keep on going. You are doing a wonderful job. I am so proud to know you, even if it is only virtually.
Tina72
FaithKeepsMeGoing

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Reply with quote  #15 
Dear Rose, your post really resonated with me.  Christmas Eve has been my holiday to host over the years, and there have been some difficult ones, when I felt, as you so aptly put it, like an actor.  One of those years, I found out on the day before that my husband had to have a biopsy for what his doctor thought  was cancer (it was, but thankfully, he's doing great today), and the other notable was the year that my daughter was struggling with anorexia.  It's so hard to celebrate this season when you feel that the joy has been sucked from your heart.  I felt like an empty shell those years.  I'm so very glad that everything went well for you.  I hope that you were able to even enjoy the holidays.

Never stop hoping, Rose, and all of you.  It's been eight years since one of the worst Christmas celebrations I've ever experienced, but today, after an extended battle for full recovery, my daughter is doing very well.  Recovery is hard work for parent and child, but things can get much, much better.  I pray for all of you!


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The Irish tell the story of a man who arrives at the gates of Heaven and asks to be let in.  St. Peter says, “Of course. Show us your scars.”  But the man replies, “I have no scars.”   St. Peter shakes his head and says, “What a pity. Was there nothing worth fighting for?”

kazi67

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Reply with quote  #16 
Hey Rose
Glad you got through it
It’s so hard isn’t it only us here know how hard each day can be especially when food involved around festive season
I’ve gone from totally non understanding family members to others that are so kind my heart was melting
Makes me cry with happiness when that happens which is much better than when feeling so frustrated and taking it out on everyone [frown]
Here’s to a better 2018 to us all!! x
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #17 
Hello Rose, Glad you survived Christmas. I really 'get' what you went through as I have 'been there' - and not just once... And, yes, reactions can be delayed, in my experience. It's important to share how you feel with someone who you trust and who can deputise for you or help in some way should things get too much. But glad you got through it. xx
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rose08

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Reply with quote  #18 
Thank you everyone for the continued messages, they have kept me going these past few days. Unfortunately I have slipped into a rather deep, muddy hole, even though I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. I think now that we are out of the trenches, so to speak, my mind is trying to process this new normal, and coming up really short.
As a mom it just takes my breath away, even now, even when things are so much better I am still terrified. Then i feel so ungrateful.
I need to find a therapist of my own, there is just too much anger, frustration and sadness for even my close friends to comprehend - one misguided word and I'm liable to snap at them.... I snap alot these days... so I haven't been saying much at all, which is probably not the best tactic either as now it's all bottled up. I'm also so tired of pretending to be ok.... I feel like I have to though. Work, family, friends.
Life keeps happening - which I should be so glad for but I just want to sleep.
I am going to give medication a fair chance - I tried a few months ago but the side effects made me really uncomfortable, jittery....my Dr says I need to try again though as it takes a few weeks to settle.

My Supermom cloak is looking very faded and tattered, I'm going to work on getting a new one ready for 2018. I wish you all the best for the year ahead, new memories to be made, small and large battles to be fought and won - and hope, always, always hope. Rose xxx
Kali

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Reply with quote  #19 
Dear Rose08,

Sorry you are crashing right now. 
Just go with it. Feel sorry for yourself and your daughter, congratulate yourself for getting as far as you have this year, cry, moan, go to a spa, scream, go out with your friends, do whatever you need to do. Restorative yoga is also very nice and relaxing if you can try that. You have done superhuman parenting and it is understandable that you are tired after what you have been through.

Having a therapist was a really big help for me and I highly recommend it. I found a therapist (for a whole year who I met with every two weeks) who primarily worked with eating disordered patients, so she totally "got" what I was talking about as a parent.

Here is a thread you might want to take a look at where parents talk about some of their feelings:
https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/how-are-parents-coping-after-the-eating-disorder-has-gone-8315445#gsc.tab=0

I'm hoping for a brighter 2018 for you and your family.

Kali



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momck

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Reply with quote  #20 
Hi Rose,
I really get how you are feeling. I have been in those dark places. I think that it is a kind of grief and post traumatic reaction to what you have been through. For months you hold it together, getting through one meal at a time, one day. You think of nothing but putting one foot in front of the other. You have no space to think about your feelings or the implications for your D. You just keep everything together. Then, one day, someone says something or something happens that triggers a kind of avalanche; an emotional avalanche and it feels like your "I'm okay. I can manage" house of cards just crumbles into a pool of what feel like endless tears.
I have found that sometimes I just need to let them flow. To be understanding of myself. I have gone so far as to imagine myself putting my own imaginary arms around myself and telling myself "it's okay. Just cry it out. I'm here with you" it's the kind of care we give to our kids just directed at ourselves. Like it or not, we are literally in this mess with them and we need to care for ourselves too.
The good news is, like with all things, the crying passes, the sadness lifts and you get up to fight another day again. We are all far stronger than we think. A few days of tears doesn't diminish that, it's just what you need right now.
I wish you the very best for a happy holiday and like everyone here, wish and pray that 2018 will somehow be better for all of us.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #21 

Rose,
It is so hard. I am chiming in too that I feel that way many times. I am in a deep funk right now too. I am reaching out to support you! The meds sound like a great idea and I am thinking that myself.
Standing with you.
XOXO

 

verytired

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Reply with quote  #22 
Just wanted to chime in with the others that you're not alone in your feelings, especially around the holidays.   It was all I could do to not just burst into tears on New Years Eve.    Facing our 4th year of this disease is just overwhelming to me, I've pretty much just had to shut down emotionally.   Again, just wanted to know you're not alone and I'll be thinking of you.
rose08

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Reply with quote  #23 
Thank you for your messages, it's sad that this seems to be a "normal" thing for mom's of children with ED' s. I never realised how emotional Christmas and New Year would be for me. Scaredmom and Verytired, I hope you are doing ok? I had a heart to heart with my H and he's going to try be more involved in the process and be more supportive practically (cooking twice a week) as well as emotionally available - I explained that sometimes I just want to be a mom to our two kids and wife, with alittle time for me. But feel like I'm a psychologist, dietician, medical advocate with my D's doctors and school, plus I have a demanding job which although great as a distraction from our situation also really drains me..... too many balls to be juggled without dropping some. I am still not used to this life....not sure if I ever will be but I have to figure out a way to make it work. Hang in there ladies - and thank you again xxx
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