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JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #1 
My d had been heading toward recovery for the past 12 months - slowly but surely getting it together, had a healthy weight, got a job, started eating a bit more freely, a healthy 7kg above her target weight - was still miserable though. 
Suddenly recently she decided to lose weight. Stopped eating almost altogether. Reckons she won't go below the target weight that the doctors gave her when she was unwell.
I flipped - it's awful to watch it happening when you know where it leads. I can't control it - the only leverage I have is her living at home and she has decided that losing weight is more important. So off she goes...has been gone a few nights so far, staying on friends' couches. Although 19, she isn't grown-up enough to set herself up properly. But I just can't do it - be involved and watch her do it all over again. 
Any stories of hope or ideas floating around out there?
:-(

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi,
I feel with you and I´m sad that you have to join ATDT again.
Can you talk to her friends? Maybe they have a good influence on her and don´t know about the ED. It is no comfort to live on friends couches for longer, so maybe you can try to stay in friendly contact and get her home for short visits first, to invite her to do the laundry or something like that.
Or maybe you can try to invite her to a holiday trip when the contact is better and than start talking about ED again. Its horrible when you see they are legally adults and you think there is nothing you can do. But if you try to save the contact you may have a chance.
Our d is 17,5 and we try to be best friends by fighting ED although it might take more time, but we are frightened that she could to the same as your d when she is 18. We will try to let her sign a special contract about health care for the case she could not make it on her own so that we are in charge again even when she is legally adult. There is something like that for elder people f.e. with dementia in Germany. I don´t know if there is something like that in NZ.
Do you have any legal opportunities if she is threatening her life?
Tina
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #3 
Quote:
But I just can't do it - be involved and watch her do it all over again.


JFEI, I've had to draw the same line and hold fast with my daughter numerous times during her long illness.  Sometimes it is all that you can do in the moment.  I held fast to not allowing her eating disorder in my house and requiring her to maintain her health.  Sleeping a friend's couch gets old really fast and sooner or later the friends get sick of them (or the friend's parents!!).  You know where this leads and this may be all that you can do right now until she gets really sick.  My daughter ended up coming home to live with me (because it was her only choice in the end long-term) and she is doing so well now.  She would never have gotten to where she is now if I hadn't said no way to letting her eating disorder live with me.

OneToughMama had a similar situation and her daughter is doing brilliantly now.  I'm so sorry this is happening but I think you are doing the right thing.
melstevUK

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Reply with quote  #4 
JFEI,

No wonder you flipped.  If you can speak to your d and tell her that with her illness there is absolutely no way that she can lose weight and not have the anorexia take a hold again, you could ask her how she is planning to deal with the moment when the anorexia takes over again.  You have a right to be furious - and by losing the plot we show our children that we are human.  At the same time we have to get through to them that we understand this is an illness and ensure that they know we will always be there to keep pushing them through it.  She clearly is not at a stage to see the 'bigger picture' and understand that tolerating the extra weight is important if she is to defeat the illness.  You can remind her that she will no longer be able to work if she has no energy, and suggest that maybe she sits down and you look at a meal plan which will keep her safe in the present moment.  Sometimes the cycle of weight loss seems to be necessary before a true and lasting recovery can take place.  I believe now that appetite and growth and weight are so disconnected that not eating, for a long time, still seems to be the easiest option - and the patient just starts restricting again with no intentional desire to become ill, rather that keeping on eating and maintaining that routine are just too hard and require conscious effort.  

While it is absolutely terrifying to watch the weight go off again - I have been there on several occasions - it seems the brain just is not mature enough and the patient just cannot stand outside the illness enough to really understand the implications of any attempts at weight loss.  

So maybe if you can persuade d to have a reasonable discussion, together you can work out where you are going to go from here.  What medical and psychological supports are in place and what can be pulled in urgently to stop the decline?  What is d going to do when the inevitable happens, if she cannot pull this back now?  If you can just get her to sit with you and stay calm and talk on a practical level - even though inside you will be quaking and anxious and want to scream all at the same time - it will be more powerful if you can approach her with calm and reason.

I really feel for you - that lurching sensation as you are aware that things are going backwards is awful beyond belief.  But she will come through this, keep believing.  

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JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you for the excellent feedback guys.
I'm torn between letting her stay here so I can use the contact I have to keep her talking and safe, and taking a hard line resulting in her leaving town to live at a friend's house in the wops for a few months. I like the idea of having a convo re "how are you going to keep safe when the AN inevitably kicks in?"



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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
OneToughMomma

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Reply with quote  #6 
Dear JFEINZ,

My heart goes out to you.  I remember viscerally how awful this is and I have tears in my eyes for you.

This is a decision only you can make, but I CAN tell you what we did.

I agree with you--I would not allow ED in my house, and we told our d she could only come home if she agreed to continue treatment. Hardest thing I've ever done.  Despite having a relatively stable place to stay, she chose to come home. 

If you do decide to stand firm, at 19, I would have a written contract for my d to sign, outlining exactly what you expect her to do and what you will do.  A search around will give you a few examples, I'm sure (sorry, I'd do it for you but I'm in a hurry at work).

Here is our story. 

Sending you all my best.

xoOTM

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D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
K63

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Reply with quote  #7 
Hi JFEI, sorry to hear you are going through this again. I can identify where you are at. My d is 20 slowly recovering struggling at times but aware of her struggles but I am exhausted 3. 1/2 years on and only the other day I said to my h that I can't keep doing this if she doesn't follow the rules and the plan from dietician. I feel like crying just thinking about it but for the sake of my marriage and other children I would have to say you live at home you ablde by rules of house and no ed allowed . Hopefully the living on friends couches won't be attractive for long and she will be able to pull it back . Is she still going for Theraphy and does she still see a dietician . Can you talk to her friends parents and ask them to say to your d that they can keep her only for a night or two but no longer. Take care of yourself I can feel your exhaustion.
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Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #8 
Oh, the incredibly helpful mhs decided she's not benefitting from therapy so they ended it. Or she did. I'm not allowed to know. Grr.
I've allowed her back home with conditions but couldn't negotiate eating - hard cos the professionals gave her a goal weight so she believes that as long as she stays above that she's fine. I don't feel it will last long - I'm too tired to battle it. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom before she can make the right choice.

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #9 
Quote:
Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom before she can make the right choice.



The farther she falls, the longer you will have to watch her suffer.  She can't make the right choice at this point.  I couldn't watch it happen all over again.  I had to make it all or nothing so if I couldn't have stipulated eating, my daughter still had to couch surf until people got sick of her and she ended up choosing to come back home and abide by the house rules.  Yes, I do understand being too tired to battle it but to me the only battle was do I let her stay eating disordered in my house.  I couldn't allow it and actually having her away for days at a time on other people's couches helped me recharge my batteries and become even more determined that she wasn't going to go downhill again.


The only battle right now is do you allow her to starve and go downhill at your home.  Not an easy one to decide or fight.
PeachdreamNZ

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Reply with quote  #10 
We all know what a joke that target weight is.  If she thinks she can fall to that weight and then stop its more than likely she will awaken the ed with a new vengence[frown]  I can't imagine how frustrating it must be with older children who you just can't get to do the right thing!  Was there anything in particular that prompted this new diet?  Stay strong, thinking of you guys.
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D now 15yrs and well above target weight. Crossing everything we are now on the road to a full recovery.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #11 
Not sure if you are checking the site at all,but I just wanted you to know that p and I are thinking of you guys.hopefully your girl is back on track now but if not,text me and we can try a coffee and brainstorm session.have had massive trouble getting onto the site so that's why I haven't posted before now sorry hon
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JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #12 
Things are better and worse...the D is eating again but back to a very limited range and now refuses anything I make so makes all her own food. Which, in case anyone was wondering, is NOT normal eating! I wish her therapist realised that! I think it was triggered by therapy ending - they decided she was better. Despite her being on huge levels of mood meds and still being miserable andtired the whole time. Also has no friends which doesn't help.
Some potentially positive changes have come from it though - she's back with a therapist, has quit job and is planning to enrol in a course. May be the making or the breaking of her. I'm exhausted and sick and just holding on by my fingernails.

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #13 
Where did her mates go?ugh,you are between a rock and a hard place with trying to help your d,but at least she is seeing a therapist again and has enrolled in a course-made such a difference to my girl.living in helped her appreciate me more too lol.hopefully,it will help your girl to find direction and be willing to do what it takes yo stay there.
I know you are tired and heartsick but you have people here who want to help hon-I'm just a text away.if you want to do coffee I'm around this weekend.
🤗 hugs

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toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #14 
So Sorry,
Could Tabitha help you? Would it be worth consulting with her? Just a thought, Best wishes
http://tabithafarrar.com/


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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #15 
My understanding is that Tabitha works with adults over 25 from my reading on her site.
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #16 
She sounds really good but I think isn't in NZ? Also my sweet poppet refuses treatment if I suggest it. And although she thinks she's 25, is only 18. Legally adult, emotionally about 12.
I'll read further on her site though - it looks useful.

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #17 
SoTired - the mates drifted off a bit. I think they are friends of convenience rather than caring much. I think a course wI'll help.
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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
Linda2

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Reply with quote  #18 
Hi J. 

My advise is to go very slowly.
Our daughter is 22 now. Last year she dipped back in and ended up living in the city. It  was awful. 

My opinion is that ED thrives on guilt and anger. The person has no self-esteem at all so become hopelessly dependent on ED. They feel so bad about themselves that they won't allow anything good to happen. 
We are very fortunate at the moment that our daughter lets us support her even though ED is challenging her hard out. What I am doing (or: try to do) is staying calm and de-stress myself every time I am feeling my stress peak (mindfulness/ intentional relaxation and breathing exercises). I am trying to make sure I do that before I interact with my daughter. I think it makes a difference.

Sending you much love and strength, because I know how hard it is and how exhausted you get.
xxo and hugs,
Linda2

mjkz

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Reply with quote  #19 
Sounds like some positive things have happened!!  Is she buying her own food?  If she is making her own food and it is not normal eating, you can stop buying the stuff she is eating which unless she is buying her own will necessitate her making other choices and maybe more normal eating.  I know my daughter would only eat salads for the longest time and I just stopped buying the stuff for salad so she had to choose something else.
JustFlippinEatItNZ

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Reply with quote  #20 
Our update...still plodding on with D refusing every helpful thing offered and me feeling frustrated and annoyed every time she makes a poor decision. At the mo she's hungry because we've run out of the 5 items that she will eat, so even though the cupboards are bursting, "there's no food here". Her anxiety is pretty bad as well, and she moves to the opposite end of the house to wherever I am. I've found a free course of 8 counselling sessions that I'll start soon - planning to focus on where to set the boundaries and how to stay patient when she's refusing help. Any other topic suggestions from those of you who've had your own therapy sessions? 

Very frustrated today because I met a lovely social worker who can work with the daughter on the things she needs such as getting out of the house and goal setting around study/work as well as strategies to deal with the depression and anxiety, but the D is refusing to sign up. Any advice on getting sufferers to accept help? 

Ta!

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17yo D, AN since Sept 2014. BMI 19.
Onward and upward - a gram at a time.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #21 
You could require her to see this social worker in order to live with you.  I require my daughter to do the bare minimums to stay healthy in order for me to pay for her upkeep.  I would keep avoiding her safe foods and keep seeing your counselor. You also might find Al-Anon family group meetings very helpful.  They really help support you emotionally and help you learn ways to let go of all the emotional baggage when a loved one makes a bad decision.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #22 
How is it going, JFEI?  Thinking of you and your girl.  xx

-Torie

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BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #23 
Me too. How are things going? xxx
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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #24 
I'm also following your story as I have a child in pretty much the same situation. We are at our wits end, too. I'm really sorry. I would love to say - find a place to live because ED is not welcome here. But my D is so fragile and messed up, I'm so afraid of where she would end up and what else she could get mixed up in. 

I hope things have gotten better for you and your D since you last wrote.



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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #25 
I text jfei a few days ago.without speaking too much out of turn,she is very busy at work and her d is not doing great.i will text her again in a couple of weeks to see if she wants to coffee.
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