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Posts: 86
Reply with quote  #1 
So, I had a moment this week.  Not my best or proudest moment to witness, but it has been a long time coming.  I was just DONE.  I am so, so tired of accommodating an eating disorder in my home, its likes and dislikes, its routines, its subtle manipulation, its destructive energy on my son and husband, it's manipulation and gradual theft of my daughter's joy and self worth. 
I am tired of enabling it with special "healthy options", raw date bars, special kinds of breads, spinach pasta and quinoa, the list goes on. Its a false peace, appeasing the beast so it wont attack.  So, new rules.  You eat what we have, if I don't have the "right" bread, tough - you ate it before happily, you will again.  ALL meals are my prerogative. The minute I try give my D some choice it ends badly, no more choices.  Any food not eaten will be made up for in the next meal / smoothie.  And possibly the hardest, trickiest part is for me to show love and compassion when this beast is roaring in my face about how it hates me, all of us, that WE are doing this to her and she will never, ever want to change.  It. Is. So. Hard. 
Sorry this is such a vent - the last few days have been hellish, we are not WR and I feel the longer we are in this no-where-land the harder it is for my D, I know my family are going to suffer more in the short term because of this (they are already) but am hoping this tough love approach will get us to a place of recovery faster xx

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Posts: 3,591
Reply with quote  #2 
Well done. You have done absolutely the right thing. The more you can do this, the faster you will get your D better. It can be hard to brave the beast, but the more you give into it, the more restrictive it becomes. It is up to you how hard or fast you push it, but in the end she will need to be eating all she ate before. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.

Posts: 5,590
Reply with quote  #3 
Vent away.... we hear you and empathize.

I applaud your bravery in " ripping off the bandaid". You are trusting your gut. Accommodating ED at some point just becomes another ED crutch. Your daughter is 12. Normal 12 year olds do not dictate all of their meals and snacks. They eat what you make.

The beast will of course freak out... why? Because it feels threatened. So the more she freaks out, the more you know you are on point and hitting ed in the balls.

You've got this.

Persistent, consistent vigilance!

Posts: 375
Reply with quote  #4 
Hi Rose, well done for giving ED a good kick πŸ˜ƒ.
Don't lose hope if she wont eat what's place in front her. Keep persisting. Keep calm, even if you have to fake it. My d took weeks before she completely followed the mealplan. Initially I just focused on getting her to eat more than the previous day. I used incentives after every meal, such as tablet time or tokens, which went to iTunes cards. it's better to reward behaviour (following the mealplan) than weight goals, because the wreight can be lost again. My d took 8 months before she could follow the mealplan without incentives.

My d also used to scream and insult us. I would tel her that was exactly what the other kids with ED said, showing her quotes from the various ED books I have. They're all singing from the same hymns sheet. Not to scare you, but keep an eye out for violent behaviour. Be ready to block any blows and hide the sharps. Also a good idea is to lock the doors, my d would often run away. Remind her that those behaviours are unacceptable.

Another thing to prepare yourself is there will be times when things go well and times when she is super anxious. When my d started to eat again, she was relatively calm, until she started to feel the weight gain, which starts at the face and tummy and takes a couple of months to redistribute to the arms and legs. Just persist and tell her she is not fat. Another super anxious time is at 95% WR, called the extinction burst. I nearly dragged her to the hospital myself so mad she made me, but of course there was no way the hospital would have admitted her.

One thing, which helped was to place the week's menu on the fridge. It was the same every week. Lamb on Mondays, meatballs on Tuesdays, fish and chips on Wednesday etc. That made mealtimes very predictable and reduced the stress. Now I cook whatever is going to expire the soonest and she doesn't get anxious at all, nor does ask what's for dinner. We even have desert twice a week to challenge fear food.

Make sure that the rest of the family have non ED time. My h and I made the rule no ED talk from dinner time. I would feed ED d first then have a peaceful dinner with h. I took other d every week just the 2 of us and we would just walk in the shops. During the weekend, my h would take her out for lunch. It's tough on the whole family.

Sending you best wishes and lots of hugs πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for a year and WR at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
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