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Izzo

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Reply with quote  #1 
I thought my Ds behaviour caused by her mood disregulation couldn't get worse and then I get a call from her unit to say that the police will be talking to her (for the second time ) because she has assaulted staff. I just find it so soul destroying that she doesn't progress - she does eat , not everything all the time but it's the relentlessness of this behaviour that gets to me. It's also behaviour that is outside anything that I would have known she would do - we are not a violent family -

I was told that my d is in the hardest category of anorexic patients - and that is difficult for me to take in / And the grief that I feel about what I thought was her path two years ago. I keep my hope that things will change every day but I guess today is worse than others and I have to accept the jagged edges of this illness.

I hope my next post is more hopeful
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Izzo,
So sorry to read this.
She is only 14  or 15 Right?
Do you think this bad behaviour is because you didn't visit this weekend?

Do you think she will take any heed of the police visit?

Izzo, I would be on to the unit to ask what is the treatment plan now.

ie.. change of meds, one to one , cbt,dbt..

I am sorry Izzo, I really don't know what to say. I am sorry this is so tough for you and D.
X

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) ,  Now Phase  2 , making progress every day. Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #3 
I'm sorry Izzo.  It almost sounds like she is worse at this new unit.  Hopefully talking the police again will have some effect before she ends up getting charged for assaulting someone.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #4 
So sorry to hear this Izzo. Please remember that your D is acting out due to her distress from her illness, not because she is inherently becoming a violent or difficult person. That same girl you raised is still in there.

I can remember having similar feelings of hopelessness when my D was at her most ill. It is truly heart-wrenching. 

Please take care of yourself, some self care is in order. A cup of tea, or perhaps something stronger? A massage or a walk? 

The unit is doing something right. They have contacted you about their concerns. They have a plan to get the police involved as violence cannot be tolerated. Do they have a plan C?

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
OneToughMomma

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Reply with quote  #5 
Izzo, if it helps any, my d was violent, and frightening and horrible.  We had to phone the police twice.  Do you know she did not remember those events? She doesn't remember being suicidal, either. She was literally out of her mind.

To me that means that she was not herself and was not choosing those behaviours.  Not only did she have no control, she had no recollection at all.

She is now an average girl with anxiety.  She manages her life (as well as any 19 year old!) and lives away from home.

There IS hope.

Take care of yourself.

xoOTM



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D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
Izzo

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Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you for your responses and its good to know that I'm not alone in having experienced this with my D.

TF the unit stopped the visits in response to her behaviour (i.e. assault) and then I didn't visit her all weekend. Unfortunately due to the incident taking place on Friday I didn't hear that they were calling the police to see her until last night and I still don't know the full story yet although I think she might have slapped a member of staff due to an NG feed which is totally unacceptable. My D is 15.

I'm going to speak to the Psychs today about the treatment plan and what the next steps will be - I'm just so fed up with my D wallowing at the bottom and waiting for the next incident to happen.  e.g. last week she was stealing cutlery so that she could self-harm and in the absence of plastic cutlery the unit told her that she would have to eat with her hands. This week I visit and she becomes verbally abusive because she won't give her my phone to access social media. 

It has been six months in hospital and no respite with very few glimmers of hope. One thing that has affected her recovery has been the stop/ start taking of the medication. At the last unit she hid the pills and they didn't seem to register it, at this unit she stopped taking pills once she was eating everything orally. Now she has only had two weeks of meds (mood stabiliser) which needs to be built up slowly over time and if she refuses her meds then they will give them to her through the NG. I am praying for a change once the meds start to take effect. 
Hebrides

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Reply with quote  #7 
Oh Izzo, my heart aches for you reading this. Others are right - there is always hope, and your real d is still in there, probably terrified by the way her illness is impacting on her behaviour. It's ironic, isn't it, that they think they the illness gives them control over their lives, but in reality it sends them completely out of control in other ways and becomes the straight jacket from which it is so so hard to find their way out. We have to continue to believe and have faith that they will come through, with love and support from their families and treatment teams. I hope you manage to talk to the team today and get a better idea of what the plan is for moving forward. I can't offer any magic answers, and as you know we are in an (uncannily!) similar situation ourselves, but keep telling her you love her and things will get better (if she will allow herself to listen to you!), and keep trying to look after yourself when you can.

Hugs xx

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Mum to 17 year old daughter with AN,1 year IP from Feb 2015, discharged Feb 2016, WR but mentally nowhere near where she needs to be. Remained stable but rapid weight loss again leading to admission to specialist ED unit Sept 2016. Back round the circle...
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #8 
So glad they are holding steady on the meds.  I know that made a difference with my daughter.

Just remember that her violence is not a reflection in any way, shape, or form on your parenting.  My daughter was always violent only towards herself but it still hurt because we are not a violent family at all either yet she would do incredibly hurtful things to herself.  It was the ED.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #9 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzo
 I am praying for a change once the meds start to take effect. 


Hang into that happy thought, Izzo.

Sending buckets of positive thoughts your way.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Izzo

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Reply with quote  #10 
Call me impatient but I'm still not seeing any signs or glimmers of a let up in my D's behaviour - so there was some improvement after the police visit and she managed 24 hours of settled behaviour and all her meals for two days. However I hadn't seen her for a week until I got a telephone call from my D saying that she wanted to see me this weekend and that she had worked hard to achieve this.

When she saw me she was miserable as she wanted to use my phone for social media and then when I was leaving she started to kick off, headbanging etc. Next morning my D tried to abscond, countless ligature attempts and broke a radiator cover (and luckily not the radiator). I then had a horrible phone call from my D talking about a tribunal to get herself moved to another unit - I said she didn't have a chance and nowhere is a better fit than her current unit and she told me to F*** off. Then I got a report from her father who visited her the next day that she hates her psychiatrist (who I really like), and that she plans not to get better under this current regime. This followed by texts from my D blaming me for bringing her into the world littered with F words. I just replied that if she writes texts like that I won't top up her phone and that if she breaks anything else in the unit it will be coming out of her pocket money. 

Anyway a new rule is in place that my D doesn't get a visit unless she has been settled for 24 hours. Fingers crossed that it'll provide some much needed motivation although it seems as though my D hates me so much right now that she couldn't really care if I visit or not. 

She has put on 2KGs in the past two weeks which is quite a rapid increase after a month of stagnation - so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it - she is now almost 90% WFH so getting there but this is painful.....




melstevUK

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Reply with quote  #11 
Izzo,

How utterly heartbreaking and miserable for you.  Is she taking any medication?  How are the staff reacting to these behaviours?  Can I ask what you did when she started her headbanging and kicked off again?  
Just looking at finding ways to help move things on.  It must be incredibly distressing to have her sending these kind of texts and I know it is difficult to believe that this is just the illness because these are still your d's actions and words coming out of her mouth.

I think all you can do is keep reiterating that you understand how hard this is, how unhappy she is but that these behaviours are unacceptable.   Calmly and firmly, over and over again so that she actually hears what you are saying.  If she is in such a state she is unlikely to take anything in at the time.

The fact that the unit has got 2kgs on her means they are doing something right and you just have to push on with them and the weight gain.   They were right to call the police.  

I wonder if there are other girls as well as your d who are exhibiting these violent behaviours.  It would be one way that they are all competing with one another.  If this is the case, maybe try saying something like 'I do not care what other girls are doing but you are my d and this has to stop'.  

Keep venting.  This is what we are here for.  Others will be along soon.

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Torie

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Reply with quote  #12 
Oh dang, Izzo, what a lousy, rotten time you are having.  Ugh.

It must be so hard to ignore all the verbal abuse, coming on top of all the unacceptable behavior.  I suppose it's a good sign that she hates the psych and really great that they have gotten some weight on her.

Also good that your real d wanted so badly to see you.  A shame for you both that Ed decided to spoil the visit.  

I can see that you are being strong and wise and I'm so sorry for the toll that must be taking.  Please take care of yourself - you deserve so much better than this.

Hang in there and remember that we're with you in spirit. xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Izzo

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hi Melstev

My ds medication has been very stop start because she has been unwilling to take it - she is on a mood stabiliser called lamotragine but it takes several months to build up very slowly before it becomes therapeutic - she has had several attempts to build up but when she started eating everything and there was no need for an NG feed she stopped the medication - now she is given the meds through the NG feed whether she has eaten everything or not - I think it will be A few more weeks until she is on adequate meds to see the effects.

When my daughter starts to head bang when I leave I just go and the staff calm her down - they don't use PRNs or IMs at all as they want to teach them to calm down by themselves so that means the melt downs last longer -

Anyway. I got an apology from my D tonight and she seems quite happy which is good - it's just that she's so unpredictable.

Yes there are other patients there that self harm and kick off but I was expecting that because it is an HDU and they specialise in challenging behaviours and EDs.

Thankyou Torie for the response - I'm still waiting for some calm - unit says they can handle her though which is good -
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #14 
It is so rough Izzo but the meds do take time to have any effect.  It sounds like the unit is doing well in getting weight on her and I would expect the behavior to be worse with the weight gain.  All you can really do at this point is to keep doing what you are doing and when you say something, follow through.  You have control over whether you read or answer those texts.  She is in a safe place so if she starts again, I would not even reply.  I think the more the unit clamps down on the unacceptable behavior, the more she is going to act out and try to pull you in.  Keep doing what you are doing, don't engage and let the meds have time to work.  I think you are very wise to leave even if she starts banging her head.  Reward the behavior you want to see continue, not the bad behavior.
Izzo

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Reply with quote  #15 
Thanks Mjkz I needed to hear that
iHateED

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Reply with quote  #16 
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your D Izzo.  I can hear the sadness in your voice but I want to give you some hope that she is in the right facility and they are managing the behaviors appropriately it seems.   If you get a nasty text, don't respond at all, not even with a sarcastic or nasty text back (which is human nature to do right) - just ignore them all until you get a nice one and then respond to that nice one only.  It sounds like her unit has some good rules in place such as calling police, NG feeds and for getting her weight increased.   As time heals her brain, her symptoms and bad thoughts and behaviors will lessen.    So take care of yourself as best you can and know that she is in good hands.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #17 
Hi Izzo,

I read this several times earlier and just did not know what to say.

But upon reflection, when my S was in IP he just could not talk to me , He HATED me , could not look at me, could not even have me in the same room.
He was so hostile, he was so shockingly  "taken over" by the illness. I never thought I would get him back. It was horrendous.
As the weight went back on, and with time, he is recovering , and your D will too.

Izzo, She has put on 2kg , that is huge progress.
I am sorry, it is horrific, but She will get better and she will probably not remember any of this.

Hugs Izzo, hang on in there, give it time,

So sorry, this is so miserable.

XXX TF

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) ,  Now Phase  2 , making progress every day. Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT.
Izzo

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Reply with quote  #18 
Thank you TF and IhateED - It's frustrating because I can understand the real eating disorder symptoms but I find the behaviour difficult to understand/cope with. Still hoping for some improvement - even if it's a babystep. 
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