User’s Guide | Rules | Contact a Moderator | Registration or Login Problems? | Eating Disorders Learning Center | F.E.A.S.T.



Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content:
Register Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 2      1   2   Next
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #1 
I thought my Ds behaviour caused by her mood disregulation couldn't get worse and then I get a call from her unit to say that the police will be talking to her (for the second time ) because she has assaulted staff. I just find it so soul destroying that she doesn't progress - she does eat , not everything all the time but it's the relentlessness of this behaviour that gets to me. It's also behaviour that is outside anything that I would have known she would do - we are not a violent family -

I was told that my d is in the hardest category of anorexic patients - and that is difficult for me to take in / And the grief that I feel about what I thought was her path two years ago. I keep my hope that things will change every day but I guess today is worse than others and I have to accept the jagged edges of this illness.

I hope my next post is more hopeful
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #2 
I'm sorry Izzo.  It almost sounds like she is worse at this new unit.  Hopefully talking the police again will have some effect before she ends up getting charged for assaulting someone.
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #3 
So sorry to hear this Izzo. Please remember that your D is acting out due to her distress from her illness, not because she is inherently becoming a violent or difficult person. That same girl you raised is still in there.

I can remember having similar feelings of hopelessness when my D was at her most ill. It is truly heart-wrenching. 

Please take care of yourself, some self care is in order. A cup of tea, or perhaps something stronger? A massage or a walk? 

The unit is doing something right. They have contacted you about their concerns. They have a plan to get the police involved as violence cannot be tolerated. Do they have a plan C?

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
OneToughMomma

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,139
Reply with quote  #4 
Izzo, if it helps any, my d was violent, and frightening and horrible.  We had to phone the police twice.  Do you know she did not remember those events? She doesn't remember being suicidal, either. She was literally out of her mind.

To me that means that she was not herself and was not choosing those behaviours.  Not only did she have no control, she had no recollection at all.

She is now an average girl with anxiety.  She manages her life (as well as any 19 year old!) and lives away from home.

There IS hope.

Take care of yourself.

xoOTM



__________________
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you for your responses and its good to know that I'm not alone in having experienced this with my D.

TF the unit stopped the visits in response to her behaviour (i.e. assault) and then I didn't visit her all weekend. Unfortunately due to the incident taking place on Friday I didn't hear that they were calling the police to see her until last night and I still don't know the full story yet although I think she might have slapped a member of staff due to an NG feed which is totally unacceptable. My D is 15.

I'm going to speak to the Psychs today about the treatment plan and what the next steps will be - I'm just so fed up with my D wallowing at the bottom and waiting for the next incident to happen.  e.g. last week she was stealing cutlery so that she could self-harm and in the absence of plastic cutlery the unit told her that she would have to eat with her hands. This week I visit and she becomes verbally abusive because she won't give her my phone to access social media. 

It has been six months in hospital and no respite with very few glimmers of hope. One thing that has affected her recovery has been the stop/ start taking of the medication. At the last unit she hid the pills and they didn't seem to register it, at this unit she stopped taking pills once she was eating everything orally. Now she has only had two weeks of meds (mood stabiliser) which needs to be built up slowly over time and if she refuses her meds then they will give them to her through the NG. I am praying for a change once the meds start to take effect. 
Hebrides

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 218
Reply with quote  #6 
Oh Izzo, my heart aches for you reading this. Others are right - there is always hope, and your real d is still in there, probably terrified by the way her illness is impacting on her behaviour. It's ironic, isn't it, that they think they the illness gives them control over their lives, but in reality it sends them completely out of control in other ways and becomes the straight jacket from which it is so so hard to find their way out. We have to continue to believe and have faith that they will come through, with love and support from their families and treatment teams. I hope you manage to talk to the team today and get a better idea of what the plan is for moving forward. I can't offer any magic answers, and as you know we are in an (uncannily!) similar situation ourselves, but keep telling her you love her and things will get better (if she will allow herself to listen to you!), and keep trying to look after yourself when you can.

Hugs xx

__________________
Mum to 17 year old daughter with AN,1 year IP from Feb 2015, discharged Feb 2016, WR but mentally nowhere near where she needs to be. Remained stable but rapid weight loss again leading to admission to specialist ED unit Sept 2016. Back round the circle...
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #7 
So glad they are holding steady on the meds.  I know that made a difference with my daughter.

Just remember that her violence is not a reflection in any way, shape, or form on your parenting.  My daughter was always violent only towards herself but it still hurt because we are not a violent family at all either yet she would do incredibly hurtful things to herself.  It was the ED.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,592
Reply with quote  #8 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Izzo
 I am praying for a change once the meds start to take effect. 


Hang into that happy thought, Izzo.

Sending buckets of positive thoughts your way.  xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #9 
Call me impatient but I'm still not seeing any signs or glimmers of a let up in my D's behaviour - so there was some improvement after the police visit and she managed 24 hours of settled behaviour and all her meals for two days. However I hadn't seen her for a week until I got a telephone call from my D saying that she wanted to see me this weekend and that she had worked hard to achieve this.

When she saw me she was miserable as she wanted to use my phone for social media and then when I was leaving she started to kick off, headbanging etc. Next morning my D tried to abscond, countless ligature attempts and broke a radiator cover (and luckily not the radiator). I then had a horrible phone call from my D talking about a tribunal to get herself moved to another unit - I said she didn't have a chance and nowhere is a better fit than her current unit and she told me to F*** off. Then I got a report from her father who visited her the next day that she hates her psychiatrist (who I really like), and that she plans not to get better under this current regime. This followed by texts from my D blaming me for bringing her into the world littered with F words. I just replied that if she writes texts like that I won't top up her phone and that if she breaks anything else in the unit it will be coming out of her pocket money. 

Anyway a new rule is in place that my D doesn't get a visit unless she has been settled for 24 hours. Fingers crossed that it'll provide some much needed motivation although it seems as though my D hates me so much right now that she couldn't really care if I visit or not. 

She has put on 2KGs in the past two weeks which is quite a rapid increase after a month of stagnation - so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it - she is now almost 90% WFH so getting there but this is painful.....




melstevUK

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,605
Reply with quote  #10 
Izzo,

How utterly heartbreaking and miserable for you.  Is she taking any medication?  How are the staff reacting to these behaviours?  Can I ask what you did when she started her headbanging and kicked off again?  
Just looking at finding ways to help move things on.  It must be incredibly distressing to have her sending these kind of texts and I know it is difficult to believe that this is just the illness because these are still your d's actions and words coming out of her mouth.

I think all you can do is keep reiterating that you understand how hard this is, how unhappy she is but that these behaviours are unacceptable.   Calmly and firmly, over and over again so that she actually hears what you are saying.  If she is in such a state she is unlikely to take anything in at the time.

The fact that the unit has got 2kgs on her means they are doing something right and you just have to push on with them and the weight gain.   They were right to call the police.  

I wonder if there are other girls as well as your d who are exhibiting these violent behaviours.  It would be one way that they are all competing with one another.  If this is the case, maybe try saying something like 'I do not care what other girls are doing but you are my d and this has to stop'.  

Keep venting.  This is what we are here for.  Others will be along soon.

__________________
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
Torie

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 4,592
Reply with quote  #11 
Oh dang, Izzo, what a lousy, rotten time you are having.  Ugh.

It must be so hard to ignore all the verbal abuse, coming on top of all the unacceptable behavior.  I suppose it's a good sign that she hates the psych and really great that they have gotten some weight on her.

Also good that your real d wanted so badly to see you.  A shame for you both that Ed decided to spoil the visit.  

I can see that you are being strong and wise and I'm so sorry for the toll that must be taking.  Please take care of yourself - you deserve so much better than this.

Hang in there and remember that we're with you in spirit. xx

-Torie

__________________
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #12 
Hi Melstev

My ds medication has been very stop start because she has been unwilling to take it - she is on a mood stabiliser called lamotragine but it takes several months to build up very slowly before it becomes therapeutic - she has had several attempts to build up but when she started eating everything and there was no need for an NG feed she stopped the medication - now she is given the meds through the NG feed whether she has eaten everything or not - I think it will be A few more weeks until she is on adequate meds to see the effects.

When my daughter starts to head bang when I leave I just go and the staff calm her down - they don't use PRNs or IMs at all as they want to teach them to calm down by themselves so that means the melt downs last longer -

Anyway. I got an apology from my D tonight and she seems quite happy which is good - it's just that she's so unpredictable.

Yes there are other patients there that self harm and kick off but I was expecting that because it is an HDU and they specialise in challenging behaviours and EDs.

Thankyou Torie for the response - I'm still waiting for some calm - unit says they can handle her though which is good -
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #13 
It is so rough Izzo but the meds do take time to have any effect.  It sounds like the unit is doing well in getting weight on her and I would expect the behavior to be worse with the weight gain.  All you can really do at this point is to keep doing what you are doing and when you say something, follow through.  You have control over whether you read or answer those texts.  She is in a safe place so if she starts again, I would not even reply.  I think the more the unit clamps down on the unacceptable behavior, the more she is going to act out and try to pull you in.  Keep doing what you are doing, don't engage and let the meds have time to work.  I think you are very wise to leave even if she starts banging her head.  Reward the behavior you want to see continue, not the bad behavior.
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #14 
Thanks Mjkz I needed to hear that
iHateED

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 601
Reply with quote  #15 
I am so sorry for what you are going through with your D Izzo.  I can hear the sadness in your voice but I want to give you some hope that she is in the right facility and they are managing the behaviors appropriately it seems.   If you get a nasty text, don't respond at all, not even with a sarcastic or nasty text back (which is human nature to do right) - just ignore them all until you get a nice one and then respond to that nice one only.  It sounds like her unit has some good rules in place such as calling police, NG feeds and for getting her weight increased.   As time heals her brain, her symptoms and bad thoughts and behaviors will lessen.    So take care of yourself as best you can and know that she is in good hands.
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #16 
Thank you TF and IhateED - It's frustrating because I can understand the real eating disorder symptoms but I find the behaviour difficult to understand/cope with. Still hoping for some improvement - even if it's a babystep. 
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #17 
Hi there - just a quick update.

There are still rules in my D's careplan which state that if she has to be restrained for anything like headbanging there is no visit. This week her father visited her followed by her friend the next day so that was 48 hours without restraint which is a big improvement and I'm pleased!

However I am yet to have any of my visits take place this week because she had to be restrained on the days that I planned to visit (sigh).  I feel quite low about that but I have to count the positives and hopefully she can move forward a bit more over the next few days. I understand that she hasn't needed NG feeds over the week so that's another win.

Off to the country with my younger S for a couple of days for a much needed break although fingers crossed I can visit her before I go. 

XX

Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #18 
Would be great to bring a friend but she has to be visited on the ward (not the visiting room) due to her current impulsiveness and that means being over 18 .. (so just one friend over 18 but that's her best friend) - when I'm with her and her friend I feel a bit like a spare part so I can understand the taxi thing you went through!!

Thankyou TF xxxx

 
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #19 
Today I got a call that I could visit my D so made plans to visit her this lunch - followed by a later visit with my father - I arrived tat the unit and straight away I see D is in a terrible mood - straight away D lies on the bed and starts crying and then starts head banging - I leave fairly quickly I'm now and sitting in the waiting room in despair. Grrrrrrrrr she had a good visit last night with her dad so she must have been ok for 24 hours earlier.

I have also been increasingly getting lectured from my H and father that I haven't been setting boundaries so look at what's happened to my d and that the boundaries set by the hospital are about time too - this is totally undermining and starting to feel so alone with my Ds illness - I understand that boundaries since my D have been difficult but they were never an issue before - another grrrrrrrrrrrr

This is a very ranty and moany post but sometimes this just gets to me /
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #20 
Izzo, you might consider not visiting around meals.  Also you might change it up so she doesn't know who is visiting and see if that makes any difference.  If it happens when you are visiting only, then you have more information to work with on whether it is a boundary issue or what hubby and others are doing that you may not be doing and vice versa.  At this point it might have nothing to do with you visiting, when you visit, etc.  If you can start figuring out those kinds of things, you will be better prepared to help her control her behavior.

I ran into a similar situation where I was visiting around meal times and would get the acting out behavior while other friends and family would visit and not get the acting out.  I got similar messages about boundaries and come to find out it was the time I was visiting and had nothing to do at all with me!!!
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #21 
I hear what you are saying MJkz - actually the times are set either around lunch or just after dinner with nothing in between so my ex also visits at the same time as I am meant - my D may be playing me off against my ex H - so I think it's more complex as we had a difficult divorce.

My rant about being lectured about boundaries is based on my H and dad not understanding the illness and blaming her ED behaviours on me not setting them in the past....
mjkz

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,405
Reply with quote  #22 
Got you.  One thing I did when my daughter was inpatient and they called to say I could visit was to actually talk to her directly.  The unit would call and since I had an hour drive each way, I got really sick and tired of driving two hours only to have her start beating her head against a wall 10 minutes into the visit.  I would ask her if she wanted me to visit and tell her I was expecting her to make it through the entire visit with no acting out.  If I was going to drive for two hours to see her, she needed to make sure she controlled her behavior for my entire visit so I didn't end up like you did out in the waiting room again after a very short visit.

I found out pretty quickly that forewarning her of my expectations actually helped.  If she said she couldn't do it, then I didn't bother driving all that way.  This is a two way street in a sense.  You make the effort and everything to get there to see her.  It is her responsibility to act responsibly and visit.  I also found that I was a "safe" person to act out on because she knew I would be coming back unlike a friend who went all that way and got kicked out after 10 minutes.  That friend probably wasn't coming back whereas I would no matter what.  It also helped shift some responsibility back on her.
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,232
Reply with quote  #23 
Really feeling for you Izzo. Being blamed by family or friends for ED behaviours makes us feel isolated and unsupported. The fact is your D did not do these behaviours before she got ill, if she had you would have worked on a strategy to deal with it. How dare they blame her illness behaviours on any previous parenting style? We can change providers when confronted by these responses but it is impossible to change your family. 

It sounds as though you may be onto something with D playing you off, or perhaps she struggles to manage her emotions and with you she feels less need to hide them, or even she wants you to know the strength of them. Either way it is very hard to watch and experience. It will get better but it seems to take for ever. 

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Izzo

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 117
Reply with quote  #24 
Thanks Mjkz I will try that -- you are always a great help and a source of good ideas - however the nurse is now saying that my D just doesn't want to see me so now I am not seeing my D at all. I will keep trying to get in touch with her and showing that I'm there but there is nothing I can do. I don't want her to have an incident to prevent me seeing her. She had another incident this morning which means that I wouldn't be able to see her anyway today - perhaps now need to turn to Plan B for behaviour improvement... (whatever that is)

Foodsupport_Aus, thanks for that - Having a D with a serious mental illness makes things so much harder and to have to contend with the criticism as well really angers me too. 

For the record incidents are still reduced and my D is eating everything except drinking the last glass of milk of the day. 


Izzo
Sotired

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 1,935
Reply with quote  #25 
I'm sorry to hear that Izzo,but I can tell you that I've been where you are with my d and sooner or later they need us for something and the drama is over as suddenly as it began.it sounds awful I know,but when it happened-and yes it happened more than once-I actually tried to use it as a break and practiced some self care seeing as I didn't have to rush anywhere.after a day's break I text my d every day,but just once a day.like TF, I always signed it 'love mum'and I then left it there.
I'm not saying I didn't worry, but ours was a long journey and sometimes we needed a wee break from each other.like I said,eventually she needed clean washing or wanted a break from her room and she would text me again.
We would move on and gradually things improved.
I also understand being blamed by others for perhaps in some way causing my ds anorexia-I didn't and you haven't either.hard as it may be, try to ignore the crap other people throw at you.once when I was younger I wrote down what the crappy thing was someone had said to me and then I burnt the piece of paper-it was kind of a cleansing ritual I guess,but it actually worked and got the negative thought that someone else had planted right out of my head.thats just what worked for me though.
Things will get better.this too shall pass.in the meantime look after yourself and be kind to yourself.



__________________
Sotired42
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

F.E.A.S.T. Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders
is a 501(c)3 charitable organization committed to maintaining the Around the Dinner Table forum as a FREE service for any caregiver of a loved-one with an eating disorder.

P.O. Box 1281 | Warrenton, VA 20188 USA

US +1 855-50-FEAST | Canada +1 647-247-1339 | Australia +61 731886675 | UK +443308280031 

This forum is sponsored by F.E.A.S.T., an organization of parents serving parents and caregivers of patients of all ages with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders. Information and advice given on this forum does not necessarily represent the policy or opinion of F.E.A.S.T. or its volunteers and is meant to support, not replace, professional consultation.

F.E.A.S.T. is registered as a nonprofit organization under section 501(c)(3) of the United States Internal Revenue Code.

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Community Rules | Forum Rules | F.E.A.S.T. Principles | YMadmin | WTadmin
Custom Search of F.E.A.S.T. and Forum Content: