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HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi,
Haven't been here in a while, but my DD is 18. Graduated from high school. Is taking a Gap year, not going to college this fall. That's good. She's done DBT skills class with me and is in individual DBT, but not very engaged. Says therapy is pointless. It's common sense. She knows what she has to do so why talk about it? She sees a dietician weekly or bi-weekly. Does not share much information with us. And doesn't seem to care what she says or is motivated in any way. 

She is in a relapse. When I tell her she will not be able to do her Gap year traveling like she wants to if she's underweight, she says, "watch me." When I tell her she can't take the car unless she eats, she says, "Fine, I'll have whatever friend pick me up."  She gets angry anytime I bring up food, which is constantly, so our relationship is very frayed.

She's an adult, but living in our house and very defiant. Her dietician has permission to talk with me, but she did not give her DBT therapist that same authorization although we've done family meetings.

I feel like we have been doing all the right things, but now that she's out of high school, working with her own money and defiant, I don't have much leverage. She stopped taking her meds (Wellbutrin was one of them and I feel it contributed to the relapse, but helped with the depression) and she refuses to begin any others. She is just generally resistant to everything. I have also begun to detach becuase her dad and I have done everything we can think of, and she will not actively engage in anything to help herself (even when she was at a healthy weight). Her DBT therapist said she is making progress (she no longer self harms and is not self medicating that I can see.) That's why the ED has popped up again. Whack-a-mole. He said she may have to feel the consequences of her own choices vs. me saving her all the time. Typical problem with someone who is emotionally disregulated... those who love them try to fix them and it keeps a cycle going. He said she may need to be hospitalized to come to a place where she sees her lack of engagement in getting better mentally and with ED costs her opportunities and experiences. He also is an advocate of letting her do her Gap year traveling. The treatment for those with some symptoms of BPD vs. ED are kinda opposite, which is challenging.

Others who have adult children who live at home and are resistant to doing anything therapeutically to help themselves? Who have their own income? I'm open to your ideas on this. Make her quit her job if she doesn't eat enough? Take away her social life like I did when she was younger (life stops)? How do you do those things when they are over 18 and don't need you to give the ok anymore? 

I really want her to just move out and take ownership of her life, but I know that's not compassionate or loving as her mom. I'm burnt out. Her dad is burnt out. 

Thanks for listening and for any experiences/insights you are willing to share.

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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Foodsupport_AUS

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Reply with quote  #2 
As a parent of a now 20 year old we have been stuck in limbo with this for a few years. We struggled with leverage even prior to 18 as ED's response for many years was just to stop eating altogether precipitating yet another hospitalisation. 
Now where are we? D is underweight but functioning mostly well. She feeds herself and weight is relatively stable but not increasing as it should be. I have worked hard at nudging and pushing her to keep in therapy and largely don't monitor or push food. This was hard, but my thinking was, that if insisting on food was going to potentially stop her from eating and cause weight loss it was not going to be helpful in the longer term. D is nowhere physically ill enough to warrant compulsory admission which here is very hard to get. If she is functioning and engaging in treatment I thought this was a better outcome. D does see a psychiatrist regularly who also engages with me. D has voluntarily gone to see a dietitian to help look at gaining some weight but continues to struggle to achieve this. She has regular medical monitoring. On the plus side we have some fights about ED but are not at each others throats most of the time. Generally I would say we get on well. She is attending university whilst living at home. She has a social life and engages well with others. She is achieving well at university and also is working part time. 
We are seven years into this and no where near finished with it. It is disheartening but when I remember where we were three or four years ago things are so much better. 

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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
iHateED

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Reply with quote  #3 
I am so sorry that you are still struggling with your D.   I think every veteran person on this forum knows the very real possibility of relapse and the dread that comes along with it.  Do you have a wish list for what you would like to see happen?  Weight gain?  Is attending a residential program on your wish list?   I guess in your situation I would write down the things that I would want to happen and then I would use any and all leverage to try to accomplish those goals.   What's on her wish list for her future?  She may tell you she can accomplish them without you and she may push you away or tell you she doesn't need you but deep down she knows that you love her and will help fight her illness even when she can't.   Hang in there! 
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #4 
My wish list would be that she would continue to participate and truly give her all in DBT therapy, which I do think is a godsend (I can't make that happen). I wish she would be compliant with LSUYE at home and eat her meal plan while at home. (I could use threats and leverage to try and make that happen, but it could backfire with her refusing to eat at all). I wish that if she won't do that, I would know if the UCSD week or partial or which increased support is the right choice for her. She has always been compliant around eating even before when she was struggling but now, she is just awful because she's older and has the means and the legality to move out or oppose us.

I feel like we are working with an addict - who we desperately want to help become well and who doesn't care if she becomes well herself. She has severe depression, too, even when weight restored - so I think part of her thinks she's done everything asked and nothing has gotten better. And depression-wise, I think that's mostly true. I think she's discouraged and thinks nothing will ever change. I guess, I too, wonder that.

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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hi,
we have a nearly adult d and I know these problems. With young adults it is not that easy, you have to be partners and not only parents. Bans and "life stops" things will not work any more. Try to find some positive incentives: there must be things she wish to have/to do in the future. You like to go on a trip to Europe? You can do this if you gain some weight. You would like to have your own car? We help you to get it if you gain weight. Something like that. That helps her to fight ED. The can say to ED: its not my wish to gain weight, but my parents blackmail me with that car...
Tina72
Kali

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hi Hateedwithapassion,

So sorry you are dealing with this. It is difficult with a young adult. 
She is at the point in her life where she should be building independence but is not able to because of her illness and perhaps this fuels the defiance.

So I would pose a couple of questions:

How underweight is she and is there a point at which her team will recommend a higher level of care?

Can you think of any ideas about how to make life more pleasant at home regarding your relationship with her? It is great that your d. is home this year so that you can be sure that she is safe. It is not so great if she is oppositional. Is there any way to plan on doing some nice/fun things with her which might improve your relationship and bring you closer? With a YA, my opinion is that it is all about building a close relationship so that they feel comfortable confiding in us and eventually as they mature a little more, the balance seems to shift to being able to work more collaboratively together to keep them safe and healthy. After 18, the real foundation of the leverage we have is all about the relationship we have been able to create. 

How are meal times at your house? Are they structured family meals? Does she eat at home? Can you change up some things if it is not working well at the moment? I found that clear expectations about eating and creating a safe environment really helped. Flowers on the table, really well thought out menus with the food being as good tasting and attractive as possible (I upped my cooking game), music in the background, good conversation, pretty china on the table, anything to take the focus off the elephant in the room (anorexia) seemed to help d. eat better. We had no luck with LSUYE, when I tried enforcing it I had food thrown at me and food hidden under the plate, etc. But when I created a loving, supportive and safe environment as I described, things went much better and the food was eaten. This was first after months of residential and other treatment and weight restoration, though. When she hesitated or wanted to stop eating I encouraged her to take more and then changed the subject and talked about something else while she did. Sometimes I did separate it out. She might say "I want to drink water" and I might answer, "That is what the ED is telling you to do but you need to drink juice if you want to be able to get better and do some of the things you would like to do in your life." 

Does she have any hopes and dreams for her future that you could use to inspire her to work with you to achieve remission in her illness? Does my d. want to go to college? If she weighs enough we will pay her tuition. Does she want to travel? If she weighs enough she can. D. is mostly financially dependent on us so we do have the option to shut it all down if she is struggling too much to maintain her weight.

Do you think that attending the week program for adults at the Center for Balanced Living could be helpful for you and your d. and family to improve things around mealtimes at home and try to help her move forward?  

I have also used Tina72's suggestions about finding positive incentives to encourage d. to work on maintaining a good weight and that has been successful. 

As far as following the meal plan I found that I had to be the driving force. For a very long time, it was not something she could do independently. I made the food and called her down to eat it. I posted the weeks menu on the fridge so she knew what to expect. I kept tabs on her schedule and made sure that there was time set aside for meal times and that she ate most meals either at home or with a support person if she was out. I was in contact with the nutritionist to get an idea of where we were and what I had to do with the menu. As she moved ahead we started to create the weekly meal plan together and eventually we shopped together and she started to help cook and prepare the food as well. 

These were some of the things I thought about and did during the year my daughter was home while she was 18. At the end of that year she was well enough to go to college and begin her independent grown up life. The goal is to try and replace the eating disorder with a life worth living, as they say in DBT.

Hope things will get better for your d.

Kali


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HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you for your replies. Tina and Kali, I think what you wrote above is correct.

My D was swearing at me about another argument over food yesterday. She was being terrible, so I took the car away from her - it's ours and we pay for it. We drove her to work and picked her up. That pissed her off. That put her into a full-fledged freakout and now she is refusing to eat at all. She says she has no motivation or any reason to do it anymore if she has nothing. She wants to do a GAP year program overseas for a few months (she has the money to do it) and I tell her she wont' be able to if she's not healthy. Now she says she doesn't care about that either. It's spiraled from bad to worse. I've also tried positive tactics. I've even offered to pay for each meal - crazy, I know. Just to get her started. Then she becomes absolutely horrible and disrespectful to our faces, and while I know it's ED, I still have a family and another child, and there have to be boundaries and consequences around that treatment of others. But what do I do now? The damage has been done and she wouldn't eat breakfast this morning before work. I don't want to take work away - it's all she has.

Things are about as bad as they've ever been, and I worry about her safety. She looks at me as if she wants to stab me. With hatred. And I'm really just tired of dealing with a kid who we love so much but who is so oppositional. My husband is done with her - has no compassion and wants me to take everything away from her: car, phone, privileges. I know this might lead her to not caring about anything and doing more dire things. He doesn't care - feels manipulated. Feels we can't coddle this anymore. It puts me in the middle because I'm scared for her. I'm scared of what she might do pushed into a corner with nothing positive that she can see to motivate her. 

She wants to do a Gap year program abroad. She wants to drive the car. She wants to have her phone. She wants total independence to do what she wants. When I tell her she needs to be healthy to do those things, she says she is and to stop nagging her. When I tell her she's not - her weight is low, she says things like "Yeah, ok - whatever." It pisses me off. There is no rational conversation back and forth with her anymore. There hasn't been for a while. Once she turned 18, she began to say things like, "You can't make me. I'm 18." It's maddening. 

Thanks for your help. What would you do now that I've reacted in a way that has made it worse?



__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #8 
Also, yes - I'm interested in doing a one-week intensive. Center for Balanced Living would be closer to my home that UCSD. And since she's not going to school, we could do it. I'm not sure she would go, though.
__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #9 
Hi,
you have not reacted in a wrong way, I think. The ED has noticed that you are the enemy, thats why it hates you. But its not your d behind that ED that hates you - its ED that hates you because you are trying to stop it. You must try to separate your d from the ED - thats not easy, I know. I got it but my husband still is trying hard to do that. Don´t let her have that Gap year at the moment - that will damage everything. Can you get your family doctor in the boat? He could tell her that she is too ill for this. She will not see that she is ill anyway - thats ED. If she loves her work, try to get her with that: you can´t do your work well when you leave the house without breakfast. You cannot concentrate and than you will make mistakes. You can lose your work if you are not able to give 100 %. Or something like that.
Try to find something you can do with her what she likes and has nothing to do with eating. You must stay in contact even if you are the "bad person". I know its so hard to stand and they say so horrible things to you at that time but that is not your d, its a mental disease. My d today even doesn´t remember what she said to me at that time and it has hurt so much.
What are her hobbies? What does she like really much? Is there a band she likes and you could offer her visiting a concert or something like that? Paying for meals is not a good way, I think. She is feeling guilty for eating anyway and this will increase if you give her money for that.
Tina72
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #10 
It is so hard when they get their first taste of freedom and go haywire.

I think all you can do is maybe switch from treating her as a child to treating her as an adult no matter who she acts.  Set your boundaries and enforce them.  I do agree in some part with her DBT therapist but do it if you can do a supported kind of hit bottom if that makes sense. 

What I did was set up the rules and enforced them.  I made food and made sure my daughter knew it was made but I stopped chasing after her.  The food was there and I would let her know.  If she came to eat, great and if not, then I would eat and put things away.  For every meal she missed however there were consequences.  She couldn't use the car because I wasn't going to take the chance that she would pass out while driving.  I stopped paying for things.  I let her know that her cell phone bill was now her responsibility and she would need to pay for her internet usage.  If she refused to eat all in a day, I would call her work and let them know she was too sick to come in.  I refused to drive her places especially if I got an attitude but said nothing if her friends came to pick her up.  I was rigid about rules around her health though. She had to keep seeing her therapist and physician.  She had to keep getting blood work and if she dropped below a certain weight, she had to go to a higher level of care.  When she refused, I told her she needed to find someplace else to live.

She went into supported housing and sank like a stone. She ended up inpatient for 6 months and then came back to live with me and agreed to do full-time FBT.  She had a supported hitting bottom and was immediately hospitalized. She hated the supported living and was willing to do whatever it took to avoid it.  She ended up losing her job because she had so many "sick" days.  Her friends got sick of driving her all over the place so that was a rude awakening too. 

I was in a similar position with very little leverage.  I stopped chasing her and started treating her like an adult.  I don't chase an adult to eat and I don't pay for other adult's cell phones, etc.  Luckily she was not planning on traveling but I would have let any travel company or travel experience she was planning on going on her medical history and that she was a health risk due to relapse.  Then I think you have to see what happens.  Maybe focusing on the rest of the family and your own life will make her see there is more out there than just not eating.  I never thought it would work with my daughter because she was so entrenched but it did.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hi,
I so appreciate all of the wisdom here. As of today, daughter has had two small meals since Friday. Refuses to eat this am, so I'm not taking her to the bank to get money to go do things with friends this afternoon. Suggested she Uber there or next time I go, I'll transfer money for her. But I'm not driving her if she is not willing to eat first. She is staying firm and will not.

She just told me she is seeing her DBT therapist at 1 today. I'm driving her there. That's a positive.
I'm hoping there is an intervention of some kind. Mjkz - I'm using the tactics you describe. I'm not going to take her anywhere unless she eats. That includes work. But that's really hard for me since she loves work and taking that away seems harsh. And not great for her employer. She can't drive, so I told her to get her plans in order to get to her shift tomorrow if she is not planning to eat. She seems willing to crash and burn, which is so sad to me. This is a great job - it's good for her to have somewhere she feels competent, and I can't believe she's willing to let it be jeopardized. I am having a hard time with that one.

Praying for something to happen today that gives us wisdom on what to do next. Even with confidence in her therapists etc. I don't feel confident that anyone really knows what the right next thing to do should be. 

__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #12 
Hi,
I think you are doing the right thing. Its hard to see that ED means more to her than work, but thats the case at the moment. But if she doesn´t eat she won´t be able to do this work quite soon. If she loses her job, that is not your fault. She could lose it because of not eating anyway. Nobody can do his job without regular food intake. Maybe she needs that shock to risk that job. Maybe you could talk to her employer and tell him the situation. Maybe he will understand it and he will take her back later when she is healthy enough to work again.
There is no right or wrong way what to do now. Try to find a way to make her eat something. If not, she has to go IP. Tell her you will not watch her starve herself.
I wish you all possible strenght and power to stand this situation and that she will get back on path soon.
Tina72
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #13 
Quote:
She just told me she is seeing her DBT therapist at 1 today. I'm driving her there. That's a positive.


Absolutely a positive.  I think you are doing the right thing.  It would be a shame for her to lose her job but that is her choice.  Life is all about choices and learning from the poor ones so you don't repeat the same thing.  I sometimes think that our kids have a very hard time learning that but at some point she has too and it might as well be now.  I hope she starts making better choices but I think all you can do at this point is set your boundaries and stick to them.  She wants to be treated as an adult so treat her like one.  It will be a learning curve for her (a steep one I hope) but better now than later.  It is one of the hardest things to watch I know.  It tore my heart apart with my daughter but in the end, it was what she needed and quite frankly I needed it too.  We both learned.

If she is still eating as little as you describe, I think you should alert her employer and let them know what is going on so they can make a choice.  She is not safe to be out there doing much if she is starving and her employer needs to know so he/she can made an educated decision as to whether she is well enough to work.  She is a liability if she is compromised and her employer may have to let her go rather than take the risk.  I would let her know that you need to let her employer know what is going on and see if that changes anything.  She may be willing to continue not eating but again, she has a choice in this matter.

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He said she may have to feel the consequences of her own choices vs. me saving her all the time


You are doing exactly what her therapist thinks she needs.

HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #14 
Update: Her DBT therapist recommended partial hospitalization and she has agreed to an intake assessment today. Mental health sucks though, and I'm waiting for someone to call me back so we can set an appointment. Grrrr.... I hate this world of treatment. Prayers that we get a call back quickly, they can get her in quickly, and she gets in the car and out of the car once there.
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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #15 
Good news!
Best of luck today

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #16 
Best of all possible outcomes I think!!!  Good job on sticking to your boundaries.  It really sounds like she needs this.
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Reply with quote  #17 
The bad news that she has to go back to treatment. The good news is that she has agreed and is willing to follow through at this point. I agree with mjkz, the best of outcomes given the circumstances at present. Hopefully she continues to follow through. 
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D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #18 
Thanks everyone. Update: My daughter began partial hospitalization treatment today. Six days a week 10:30-6 pm, with breakfast and snack at home. Rest in treatment. Saturday, breakfast and lunch with snack there, home for dinner and snack. Sunday - home. Her dad drove her. She told him she feels forced to do this and doesn't see it going well. Let's pray that her perspective changes as she goes each day and begins to eat again. It's crazy how a switch went off in her brain to stop almost all eating last Friday - that had never happened before. Scary.

My husband, who hasn't been the best through all this due to just not getting it, told her that everything is one day at a time. Give it your all and go in with an open mind just today. See where that takes you. Do it again tomorrow. Everything builds on itself and the sooner you do that, the sooner you will be done with partial. Then, the sooner you are done with partial, the sooner you can begin to consider your GAP year travels (we'll see about that), and the sooner you enjoy your GAP year, then you can think about if you're ready for college next fall, etc. I thought he presented it in baby steps very well.

Another bright spot in this is an acquaintance who has been in mental health counseling for decades knows the program director of this eating disorder program. She said he is one of the best doctors she has worked with EVER and practically walks on water, in her opinion. He is a psychiatrist and an expert in eating disorders both, so maybe - just maybe - he can convince my daughter to go back on medication and this time, it will be medication that addresses mood and eating issues vs. one or the other. I'm grateful for another person so well regarded to be getting involved in mood stabilization.

Just wanted to share this update. Anyone who is inclined to pray or send good thoughts - I would take them. I'm scared, hopeful, worried, relieved all rolled up.

__________________
17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #19 
Thinking of you and your d and sending positive thoughts your way.  Sounds like you are on the right path.

Please continue to keep us posted.  xx

-Torie

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HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #20 
Update- day 1- first day was rough. When I picked her up, she was crying, refused to speak and said she would not be going back. She said they were going to kick her out of partial if she didn't eat more. Have no idea if that's true. I simply asked her how she would get better if she didn't get added help and she said she didn't care. I kept my mouth shut.

We shopped for 30 minutes and headed home. She then apologized and said they eat dinner and then leave right away, and that's really hard for her. She agreed to go back today. But she did not eat the nightly snack or breakfast here. Refused.

She insisted on driving herself today or she would not go at all. I let her drive, but do not know if that was the right thing. Giving into her threat or having her pull out of treatment? Neither is a good option. So here we are- day 2. I'll let you know.

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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #21 
Day 2 update: Got a call. She wanted to check herself out. Having a fit over eating - says she's not as skinny as others there and yet they are making her eat so much. I had to go there and meet with her, psychiatrist, therapist, PA. She decided to stay, but I also heard some alarming things from the therapist who stayed to talk with me. Red flags?

- She talked about how much of this resistance was a choice and how much is her not being able to do it. My answer: It's not a choice anymore. She can't do it! Her weight is too low. She is too afraid and anxious and the ED voice must be too loud. No 18-year old cries and has a tantrum over apple sauce in front of strangers. It's not a choice any longer. Duh. Old school thinking.

- She mentioned something about us not wanting to be the "food police." I almost lost it. My answer: Um, actually that is exactly our role right now. She looked surprised and said, you think so? I said - yes, absolutely. She is not well enough to choose to eat. And she won't be until she's at a healthier weight.

- She told my D that since she's 18, she has to choose to eat. The program is voluntary, and partial programs assume that you will eat. She asked my daughter - will you agree to try and eat? My D said she would give it her best shot and she did decide to stay. 

I'm not sure this is the right place. The psychiatrist did get my D to agree to go back on antidepressants and gave a prescription for clonomid, I think, for limited use for anxiety. And another prescription for stomach upset. That is a small win, I guess. 

And that's day 2 so far. My H is furious and not compassionate and says if she does not stay in treatment she can't live at our house. I'm afraid of what he will say to her when he gets home tonight. It's never very emphathetic and he won't listen to me, no matter how much I beg him to be kind and loving.

 

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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
iHateED

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Reply with quote  #22 
Ughh, those do sound like 2 alarming statements by the therapist --- but bravo to you for handling it so well.  What you said in response was just perfect!  In your situation, I probably would not been nearly as strong as I got intimidated by the so-called professionals easily, so good for you! 

I am also sorry that your H is not being as supportive to you and your D.  Like most men, he just wants to FIX IT and is very frustrated that he can't.   Hang in there.
Kali

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Reply with quote  #23 
Hi HateEdwithA Passion

That does sound old school but you did handle it well. If she could choose to eat she would not need to be in the program, right? Your d. really wanted to travel on her gap year and now won't be able to if she doesn't eat enough...does the therapist think that is what she would have chosen if she had the option of being able to eat enough? Plus, it is their job to help create an environment where she will be supported to eat.

Someone on ATDT once wrote that when confronted with that term "food police"
they answered that the mission of the police is to protect and serve and that is exactly what they were going to do for their child.

I tried it once when I was accused of being the food police and it effectively stopped the mental health professional from pursuing any more of that kind of nonsense, and we were able to move on to more helpful things. It tosses the ball back in their court because nobody can argue with those goals when you have an ill child. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And that food police comment on the lips of mental health professionals seems to be designed to make parents feel as though they are doing the wrong thing and therefore somehow inferior.

Stay the course and see if it gets any better. Often they are very unhappy when they first arrive in treatment. Your daughter agreed to eat today and that is a positive.  

Warmly,

Kali

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mjkz

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Reply with quote  #24 
Quote:
She insisted on driving herself today or she would not go at all. I let her drive, but do not know if that was the right thing. Giving into her threat or having her pull out of treatment? Neither is a good option. So here we are- day 2. I'll let you know.


I absolutely would not allow her to drive if she has not eaten the snack and breakfast.  I never let my daughter driver herself to any treatment just because it was too easy for her to walk out and go goodness knows where when she gets upset.  If she doesn't have a car, there is one extra step in there to give her time to cool down.

While I can see why you bristled with the therapist (and quite frankly my response to her would have been why the heck did you call me then if my daughter is an adult and needs no support from me), in some ways she is correct.  Your daughter does have to choose to eat and choose to be in the program.  I do believe at a certain point after our kids have been through enough treatment and are old enough that choice does come into play. That doesn't mean we don't help or support them but they do have to choose to put the effort in.  They might not be able to choose what kind of food and how much but they do have to choose to put that food in their mouths and eat it.  I think that is one of the key things I learned in supporting my daughter as an adolescent and then as an adult.  I can't make that choice for her and I don't care why she chooses to eat-as long as she chooses to do it!!
HateEDwithApassion

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Reply with quote  #25 
Day 5 update: my brave D is eating her meal plan 100%, but it is brutal for the meals she is at home. She is motivated but anxious, crying and melts down. It's much harder than any of us expected so she was hiding the relapse probably longer than we realized.

THE Partial program has turned out to be better than I had expected. The group therapy is with older women which is better for my daughter than other teens. They support her and love on her. She can also see how long some of them have been battling this disease. Decades. And they have encouraged her to work on recovery while she's young. A few are grandmas!!! It's actually shocking.

The meal plan is good and they don't let them
avoid any fear foods. They have to try different snacks each time. They pre-planned weekend meals so I just think have to make them. No questions to her about what to have. Tomorrow, we are on our own. Praying! So... it breaks my heart to see how powerful this is, but I'm also thankful to God that she is willing to try and fight.


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17 yo D. Diagnosed in July 2013. W/R in Sept. 2013 and has remained so. Roller coaster on and off since, mainly with ED under control but co-morbid depression and other negative coping mechanisms making our life hell. Trusting in God for daily strength and wisdom.
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