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hmhd60

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi....new here....we've been in this battle for a year now. Hospitalized last Sept for 7 weeks. Recovered for a while, but now restricting, bingeing & purging. Assessed for a residential program & waiting for a bed. However he is saying he will not go. He is so angry.
I'm so tired of being strong. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of crying. I'm terrified for his future. I want my son back.
Thx for listening....
( we're in Ontario Canada)
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi from Dublin,
I am also a Mum of a boy with ED. My son is just 16 and in good recovery. Like your son he had purge type AN ,which as you probably know is a double blow & very difficult to treat.

So first I want to give you hope, my son is doing great. It hasnt been easy, I learnt that this was so dangerous, potentialy life threatening , insidious , & destroys families. I learnt from the good folk here not to mess around & go after this vile ED very agressively , with everything I had.

My S spent 4 months in hospital, when he was discharged he was still purging. I left my job & cleared the diary , made absolutely no plans ,& continued to re-feed him at home plus gave him
24/7 supervision to stop purging ..for about 9 months, i ran my house like an extension of IP . I took him from school for most of the year.
After that we still treated him
With FBT at home & still do but on a diferent level as time goes on ...
He absolutely HATED me ( or ED did) & now he is in good recovery, we are crazy about each other. He does not remember most of it...
So as your S is 17 , give it all you have got for the next year, as he can refuse treatnent at 18 & its a completely ball game...
Please check out " Batty Matty" another member, her blogs & books about boys are wondeful...
Food is the medicine with supervision,
Best wishes

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
hmhd60

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Reply with quote  #3 
I try my best, but he refuses to cooperate. I
Am scared he will run or get violent. I will check out who you suggested. Right now I'm trying the best that I can to keep him as safe & secure as possible. Often that is just being a " yes man". Everything with him is a negotiation. It's exhausting. I left my job last year when he was first diagnosed.
I know he will HATE me when he is admitted ( hopefully this fall), but I hope in time he will
forgive me when he gets his health back.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #4 
Ok I get you.
Time for re-frame. This is not your son.

Your son has been taken over by the monster anorexia. This is a biological brain illness, he or you did not cause it, he has no control over it .
Your son is not refusing to co-operate...the illness is..
Food is the medicine. Use any and all leverage you have to get the food in.
I thought the same as you about putting him into hospital. He did not speak to me for months , he was so hostile ( my sweet kid) ...but as brain healing occured, he came back to us.
Underneath the illness your S is screaming help me...
dont be afraid of what ed us afraid of...
I will post a few links

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #5 


__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #6 
Here is a great videp, I advise you to buy EVa Musby's book

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #7 

https://www.canped.ca/

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #8 
A word of warning , hospital is only the start, he will need a huge amount of support when he is discharged.
Best wishes

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #9 

https://www.kartiniclinic.com/blog/post/tolerating-our-own-childrens-distress/

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Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
poppie

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Reply with quote  #10 
My son is 17. anorexic one year. Weight restored and just beginning to restrict again as exams approach. Recommend the Eva Musby video posted below as well as persistence and doing anything you need to do so that you can cope with the hatred the ED will throw at you. For me this is the hardest part. I've just resigned my job. I want to be fully available in case of relapse so supporting him and then maintaining myself are they only things I need to worry about. Can't do both - too hard. I decided repetition and telling him to trust me, I know what I'm doing, as well as refusing to allow/support certain behaviours worked to get food in and drove his initial recovery. I think trust was the biggest one as it countered the distress he felt. If my son does relapse I plan to go right back to the same things again especially 'trust me'. 

But you probably know all this stuff.
deenl

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hi hmhd60,

And welcome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hmhd60
However he is saying he will not go. He is so angry. I'm so tired of being strong. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of crying. I'm terrified for his future. I want my son back. Thx for listening.... ( we're in Ontario Canada)


Welcome to our community where we all get it. We have all felt what you are feeling. We support each other emotionally and practically.

Please feel free to read around the site or to search for specific topics using the search button on the top left of the screen.

Here is a link to our learning centre with lots of up to date information and to the Hall of Fame with lots of member posts that resonated people.

Ask as many questions as you want or vent away. There is always someone here for you.

Warm wishes,
D

__________________
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
hmhd60

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Reply with quote  #12 
Thank you for the videos & feedback.
I know what we are supposed to do. However, I can't force / coerce him to do anything. He will become angry and/or violent. While he won't hurt me, our physical
home shows the effects of his rage.
He eats, but it is often under the disguise of bingeing. We try to sway him in another direction, but if you've had a binger, you know that's next to Impossible. ( I've even told him to let me know before, and we will get out of the house ahead of it) Then the vicious circle of self loathing starts.
Once his mind is made up, nothing stands in his way. Last night he went for a walk at 11pm. Luckily, he calls me when he's cooled down.
I feel all I can do right now is keep him safe & secure until a space at the treatment centre becomes available. We do not have a lot of options where we live. It is a waiting game for somebody else's child to recover. However, ours is complicated as we have a timeline before he turns 18 in the spring, and ages out.
I know that some of you will think I'm a horrible parent. I'm hoping that some of you will understand my situation and why I feel so utterly hopeless and powerless. I am doing all I possibly can and its still not enough.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #13 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hmhd60
I know that some of you will think I'm a horrible parent.


I guarantee that no one here thinks that about you.  Period.

Scared, exhausted, perhaps a bit desperate, yes.  We've all been there.

It is safe to be yourself here.  We don't judge. xx

-Torie



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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
poppie

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Reply with quote  #14 
You aren't a terrible parent despite how you feel. Stay with him. Keep repeating that you love him. Repeat that he is worthy and that this will get better. Somewhere in there hidden by the disease he will hear you. Just keep saying it. Hang in there.

Keep posting. I've been there too and it is terrifying. All we can do is persist and repeat . For my boy I give messages about how wonderful it is not to be perfect as that is more honest, true and interesting. His thing is feeling he is not good enough. Mine is not feeling loved. Everyone has one.

I'm really feeling for you. It is awful and so hard. One day at a time
Sotired

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Reply with quote  #15 
One thing you can do is make hurting anyone-or your house off limits.your best bet here is to get your local police involved, to explain to your son that yes,what he is going through is hard,but that doesn't mean he has the right to hurt or destroy people or property.everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home.or if you have a child and family unit to take your son there.i am in nz so I understand about limited resources,but sometimes the help comes from places you wouldn't expect.
We rang the crisis line after a suicide threat ,for example.they asked us to bring our 16 year old into a&e and once there they did an assessment and put her in the locked ward for her own safety.she got transferred to a ward from there as she refused to eat or drink.there she was on 1-1 supervision while she got tube fed.
So the anorexia learned that there were in fact things we could do,that we were not as helpless as it thought.we had our d put under the mental health act three or four times to enforce treatment too.
Look into your crisis help options while you wait for a bed to come up.it may also speed up the help you are waiting for.
You are not a terrible parent you are a good parent in a terrible situation.you are doing the best you can,as we all do,despite what our very sick children think.they aren't in control of their thoughts right now anyway-their brain has been hijacked by anorexia.way way underneath where our real child is, they are terrified and hoping we help them whilst they can't help themselves.
You are doing that .look into any crisis facilities available.any help you can get.
Good luck,

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Sotired42
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #16 
Totally agree with SoTired.  Any violence is unacceptable!!  I used local police and only had to have them come out once.  I called and talked to them prior to needing them to explain the situation and let them know what I needed.  It was the best and most effective phone call and visit to curb the violence.  Well worth it.

My daughter would binge and purge so we had a rule in our house that she got three meals and three snacks all from me and was not allowed to get food without supervision.  When she was binging and purging all the time, I kept only food in the house that had to be cooked (so I would hear if she tried) and nothing I knew she binged on. I shopped daily and just enough for that day.  If she binged, she was responsible for replacing the food and paying for it.  I also required her to have a part-time job or volunteer somewhere to get her out in the community and around people.   It really helped a lot.  We also had a contract which I would suggest for anyone dealing with a YA with an ED.  It very clearly spelled out expectations and consequences.  It was a lifesaver for us and my sanity.  Some here have asked their kids to sign the contract.  I never did because I knew my daughter wouldn't sign but rather presented it to her as the rules of living in my house.  You don't have to walk on eggshells or put up with the violent rages. You do have control over what you accept and live with. 
hmhd60

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We've called the police....tried to get him admitted to be observed....they thought he wasn't a danger to himself or others. I've thought of locking our cupboards, but because of how they're constructed, not a possibility. It's difficult to shop every day or not hv other food in the house, as there are other people living here. I don't buy trigger foods though or if I do, they are well hidden.
He is on the low side of medically stable, but the disease has changed his brain/ personality.
School is starting shortly and I have NO idea what will transpire. I already am stressed thinking about it. Luckily they are aware of the situation, but I think they are getting tired of it and him.
I have everything pinned on a residential
program that he's been assessed for. I feel that would be the best place for him. We just hv to wait for a bed to become available, so there's no set admittance date. Because these programs are voluntary ( SO STUPID!!!!), he can say he isn't going. However, there has been talk of somehow getting him there as " involuntary". Not sure how that plays out, but if need be, I'll drug him to get him there.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Torie

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Reply with quote  #18 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hmhd60
I've thought of locking our cupboards, but because of how they're constructed, not a possibility. It's difficult to shop every day or not hv other food in the house, as there are other people living here.  


Some here have locked food in the trunk of the car or in storage bins specially purchased for the task.  My friend had to padlock the fridge closed because her dog had learned to open it.  Does the kitchen door itself have a lock (or could one be installed)?  

I hope a space comes through soon.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
mjkz

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Reply with quote  #19 
Quote:
I have everything pinned on a residential program that he's been assessed for.


That's great unless he says he won't go or you have months to wait.  It doesn't sound like you have a workable situation to wait months.  It sounds like shopping on a daily basis is not workable nor is locking the cupboards.  That doesn't mean he can still have free rein over the food.  Binging is not uncontrollable and there are things he can do to help himself.  I made the kitchen off limits so any food my daughter wanted, she had to go through me first.  You can still set those boundaries and keep calling the police with violence.  The more times they come to your house, the more likely they are to get him evaluated for admission.
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #20 
Hi there,
This illness is vile. I strongly advise you not to have all your eggs in one basket and have a plan A B C D.
Read and learn everything that you can, there are lots of resources here.
Would you consider taking him and the family to the one week family intensive at UCSD, THAT IS WHAT i WOULD DO IN YOUR SHOES, asap...
Best wishes
http://eatingdisorders.ucsd.edu/treatment/oneweek-intensive-treatment-programs.html


__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
BattyMatty_UK

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Reply with quote  #21 
Hi from Yorkshire, UK... My son fell sick with anorexia at the age of 15 (he's now 23 and fully recovered). There's a stack of stuff about how we eventually arrived at Recovery on my blog - please see links below. It might help you to skim through my PDFs, starting with the 2011 (which was when I began writing, a year into my son's treatment). You might just find something useful. If nothing else it'll show you that someone else has 'been there, done it' and got through it!

I pasted all the blog posts into a Word document (and then PDF), a year at a time, because clicking through a blog is a nightmare, especially if you want to read it in chronological order. I've uploaded all the PDFs (2011 - 2016) to the link below.

PS This forum was a TRUE LIFESAVER for us.

Bev xxxx

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Bev Mattocks, mother of 23-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
hmhd60

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Reply with quote  #22 
Hi....so....its been a few weeks of hell, that I know you can all relate to. We've had police & hospital involvement....3 different hospitals....3 different ER visits....lots of desperate phone calls, and finally....we hv an appt with a program that he has been assessed and accepted into. He refused to go before, but he has been asking....begging....for help. So, tomorrow morning it is!! It is not an ideal
Situation, but it is a good program and he will stay there until a bed is available in the residential program.
His night time bingeing & purging is completely out of control.
I just want to exhale.
Again, if there is anyone from Ontario Canada here, I would love to connect with you.
Thanks for all your support. Will keep you posted!!
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #23 
Very best of luck, keep us posted.

__________________
Son,DX with AN, (purging type) age 13 in October 2015 ,  (4 months immediate inpatient) , Then FBT at home since.and making progress every day. He is now in good recovery, and Living life to the full like a normal teen. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to ATDT. Hoping to get him into full recovery and remission one day at a time.
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #24 
Sending very best wishes for moving forward with recovery for your son.

Hope that other forum members in Ontario, Canada can respond soon.

I'm a Canuck originally from the west coast, now living in the US...happy to be in email contact if you wish...just click on my name to send a private message.

Hang in there!

Sending warm support,
sk8r31


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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #25 

Hi from Ontario, Canada.
My 12 yo D was diagnosed  one month prior to her 12th birthday with RAN. We are in this exactly 6 months today. She was admitted to McMaster's Children Hospital in the ED unit for 3.5 weeks. Doing well at this time and WR for 2 weeks so very early days yet. But so much improvement in all her RAN issues. 

So sorry for you and your family to be in this place for so long.  All the advice here is so good.  Please ask all the questions that pop into your mind. This is such a safe place where you will be supported to the nth degree.  If there are specific Ontario concerns, please ask, I will do my best to help out. Others are from Ontario too and can offer a lot of information and should be around soon.

All my best.

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